Archive for July 13th, 2012

July 13, 2012

Syrian massacre provokes outcry

by philapilus
"The first British Hydrogen bomb is dropp...

“Not a single fucking goat in sight! What the hell is wrong with these people?”

The emerging story about the massacre in the Syrian village of Tremseh, that may have left up to two hundred people dead, has caused outrage today.

Whilst responsibility for the atrocity is unclear, with activists blaming the government, and the government in turn blaming rebels, an article outlining the sketchy facts led to thousands of furious responses when it was posted on the BBC website this morning.

“We have received almost five hundred complaints an hour,” said Mike Ock, of the Press Complaints Commission, “and we are upholding the universal content of these complaints in an official letter to the BBC. Because this rather unpleasant and distressing story has almost totally detracted attention from the fact that two goats have been surfing in California.”

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July 13, 2012

Joke religion to broadcast bollocks

by unpseudable

The man without whom there would be no Battlefield Earth. Just think about that.

As if existing and having famous members wasn’t enough, the Church of Scientology now plans to launch a TV station.

Scientology spokeswoman, Karen Pouw, said, “The Church (that’s right, I said “Church”) plans to establish a central media hub for our growing world network of churches, and to move into religious television and radio broadcasting in our continued scheme to take over the world.  Err… I mean, spread the important message about Thetans and all that shit.”

Experts suggest that it could be similar to the Christian Broadcasting Network run by Pat Robertson.  Only scarier.  “Imagine really good looking people talking for hours about unremitting bollocks, interspersed with the film Battlefield Earth, then you’ve pretty much got it,” said Rick Ross, cult expert.  “Hollywood’s the obvious place for them to be.  I mean, it is the home of entertainment.  Besides which, there are more blithering idiots per square mile there than anywhere else in the world.  But of course, by broadcasting such irredeemable balls they can reach all the other blithering idiots everywhere.  It’s terrifying.

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July 13, 2012

“M4 absolutely fine, probably” says Greening

by philapilus
This was blown up during civil unrest a few ye...

‘Actually I think that the HA has done a terrific job.’ said the Secretary of State for Transport

As the Boston Manor Viaduct reopens, after just three days of repairs by the Highways Agency, Transport Secretary Justine Greening called a press conference this morning to reassure road users.

“The reopening of the M4 over the viaduct showcases the excellent work of the Highways Agency. They have managed – under no external pressure from the government whatsoever – to repair the viaduct much faster than they had previously announced they would.

“I can assure all drivers that the road is now completely safe. The restrictions on any vehicle over 7.5 tons is a formality, and does not indicate the bridge might be unsafe. The same goes for the big yellow sign with warning lights, inviting overweight passengers to get out for a stroll, and to rejoin the vehicle in which they were travelling once they are past the completely successful repairs.”

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July 13, 2012

Steve Wright will be new Radio 1 breakfast presenter

by articulatedsheep

In a surprise move, the BBC have announced that veteran, moustachioed DJ Steve Wright will host Radio 1’s flagship breakfast show, replacing Chris Moyles, who steps down in the autumn.

Station controller Norbert Dentressangel told TMB, “We’re looking forward to the fresh, modern sound that Steve is going to bring to Radio 1 – keeping the nation’s premier music station at the cutting edge of youth culture.”

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