Diamond to forgo ginormous bonus: ‘That makes it all ok then’, says everyone

by philapilus
Ed Balls

Seriously, that’s his name. We aren’t even joking.

The news that Bob Diamond, the former CEO of Barclays who resigned last week, is not going to get his £20m bonus, has turned away the wrath of everyone in the country, according to an important study.

Diamond, who is at the centre of the rate-fixing scandal that has brought the otherwise unsullied, golden reputation of bankers down into the dirt, left his job having done unbelievably unethical things with interest rates.

“If interest rates were little children, Diamond would be guilty of paedophilia,” commented Tim Twanks, an unemployed commentator, “and the rest of Barclays would at least be guilty of being in some sort of child-porn ring. And the public would have been unknowingly deflowering minors, thinking they were of age…actually hang on, can I start this again? I think I picked the wrong metaphor.”

“Diamond has obviously been very naughty,” said Marcus Agius, Chairman of Barclays, ” but he will of course still get a chunk of his multi-million pound salary for the year, his benefits and naturally his pension contributions. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair.”

Research conducted by YouGov shows that 98% of the population thinks that Diamond not getting the bonus has effectively made it all better, and that Barclays is now, well, just great again.

Apparently no one wants him to be tied to a lightning rod in an electrical storm, electrocuted for forty five minutes, and then hosed down with acid, until all that is left is a smoking, melting corpse. Which will then be given millions of pounds.

Meanwhile George Osborne has refused to apologise to Ed Balls for allegations he made last week that the Labour MP – whose name is actually seriously ‘balls’ – was involved in the Barclays rate-fixing scandal, when he was City Minister.

Tory MP Andrea Leadsom has joined the ranks of those calling for Osborne to retract his comments, leading randy Liberal Democrat MP Mike Hancock to comment “This could lead to a serious rift in the Conservative party.

“Maybe if the rift gets really serious, Leadsom and that Louise Mensch might end up in a catfight, and one of their blouses will rip, and I’ll get to see some titties. I mean, Andrea isn’t all that, but I am not a picky man.”

He rubbed his hands excitedly, and said “Does anyone know where I can buy eight gallons of baby oil round here?”

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