Archive for July, 2012

July 31, 2012

Mitt Romney to Executive Produce new string of Rambo movies

by philapilus
Mitt Romney

Romney might even have a cameo role as Rambo’s superior officer, allowing him to speak directly to the audience about why red Russia must be stopped.

Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney has announced his intention to reboot the Rambo franchise, with a new series of films in which the quintessential hero lays waste to America’s enemies.

The films, currently planned as a trilogy, will feature an impossibly muscled man wearing a bandana tied round his head, firing all manner of heavy-calibre weaponry, and racking up bodycounts equal to the Black Death. The main antagonist will be Russia.

Romney’s campaign manager, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Mitt will be financing and executive producing these films, which will all be about veteran soldier John Rambo kicking the shit out of Russkis.

“Them commie bastards is going to get what’s coming to them. They’re gonna be all like ‘We’re gonna take over the world’, and Rambo’s gonna be all like ‘Not on my watch, Red’ and the audience will be all like ‘Awwww yeah!'”

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July 31, 2012

Furore over Chinese swimmer’s Gold medal

by philapilus
English: How to fold a paper fortune teller 12...

Training to be an official Olympic judge takes nearly a whole morning. It can even run on into the afternoon if you take breaks.

A bitter dispute has erupted between the American and Chinese teams, after Ye Shiwen’s extraordinary victory in the 400m medley.

Ye completed the race very quickly, which surprised the Americans who were hoping they might finish the race even more quickly, and therefore be the ones who could stand on top of the podium and have their song played.

“It’s not fair,” said US coach OJ Simpson, “everyone saw that that little Chin clearly had arms the size of Popeye’s, and everyone could see the outboard motor attached to her fanny. This was the most unnatural win since the steroid-taking tortoise beat the hare.

“The Olympics shouldn’t be about people being so chemically enhanced that they are unbeatable. They should be about US athletes, who never, ever, ever, ever cheat, beating the rest of the world into bloody submission.”

Ye’s coach, Chow Yun Fat, insisted however that her performance was entirely natural. “Ye won the race through nothing more than iron determination, a body honed from the womb through a strict regimen of enforced exercise, and the motivation of knowing that her family were suspended from ropes over a vat of acid during the race.

“Which was entirely coincidental. But these indulgent roundeyes think Chinese athletes cheat, just because we don’t stuff our faces with Burger King like they do.”

Doping allegations are a very serious matter at Olympic level, where even eating a Polo mint at any time during the fourteen months before an event is an automatic disqualification, and is punishable by removal of the hands and feet.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the newly-formed Slough Sixth Form College of Olympianerology said “Part of the issue is that races are so fast now that you can’t really tell who won anyway, even with all these computers and gadgets and shit.

“Generally the officials just pick the winner out of a hat, or make one of those origami paper fortune-teller thingies and write all the countries’ names on the flaps. Those are awesome. If I had learned how to make one of them I could be an Olympic judge by now.”

Norbert Spunkbrain, a decorator from Tunbridge Wells whose knowledge of sport is based on twenty years of reading the Sun, said “It’s  all stupid though isn’t it?. Why don’t they let everyone just take whatever they want? If they all take the best enhancement possible, then that cancels out the benefit of the drug. And gives us a level playing field.

“And then when our boys and girls are trounced by superior athletes who have spent their lives trying to be better than the seven other people from the entirety of humankind at the top of the sport, we can hang our heads in shame with pride, and know that we are proper, honest losers, not cheating ones.”



July 30, 2012

Bottom-feeding Brits “can’t do sport for shit”, say morons

by articulatedsheep

According to a report released today by Britain’s morons, Great Britain’s failure to win 8,000 gold medals by the end of day three of the Olympic Games is a “colossal failure” that can only be partially remedied by the so-called athletes involved being put to death.

Don’t know what you’re looking so happy about, you only came twelfth

Britain currently languishes in 20th place in the medals table, clearly demonstrating that all the British people who have been spending their entire lives to constantly train enough to even compete at this echelon of international elite sport have basically been wasting their time.

“Tom Daley? Shit Daley, more like”, said Roger Twat, who speaks with the authority of a man awarded a 25 metre swimming badge in 1976. “Call that diving? He ought to be ashamed of himself.”

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July 28, 2012

Burley: Opening ceremony should have featured “more flaming torches and marching”

by articulatedsheep

Gaffe-prone Tory MP Aiden Burley has sought to clarify his comment on Twitter last night that the Olympic opening ceremony was “multi-cultural crap”.

That’s more like it

“I’m admit, there were good parts,” he said. “Obviously the Olympic flame is always welcome – but why couldn’t they have made more of it? And why not have some nice big red banners alongside it, emblazoned with some sort of symbol? There’s this Sanskrit symbol for ‘good luck’ that I think would look an absolutely picture, picked out in black in a white circle on that red backdrop. For example.”

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July 26, 2012

Telegraph picture editors on hunt for “perfect” female A-level result celebration photograph

by articulatedsheep

Hacks at the Daily Telegraph have begun their annual search for a large photograph of attractive eighteen year-old private school girls to plaster over the front cover of their 17 August edition, ostensibly to illustrate a story about A-level results.

Absolutely not what we are looking for


Work started in earnest last week, with all leave being cancelled and photographers being urged to work “around the clock” to identify high quality, nubile young women for their readership to unashamedly lech over. Letters have gone out to girls’ schools across the country, asking headmasters to send photographs to a specially convened “judging panel” – to include Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, Jim Davidson, Michael Aspel and actor Tom Conti – of possible candidates.

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July 26, 2012

Answer to gun violence “more guns”, according to Americans

by articulatedsheep

A consensus on gun control is emerging in the US in the aftermath of a shooting in a suburb of Denver in which a dozen people died. It is now generally thought that the principal way to combat gun violence is to ensure that more people have more, and more powerful, guns.

“It’s a logical solution,” said President Barack Obama. “The more people who have guns, the more people will be able to fight back when some madman decides to empty his magazine randomly inside a packed movie theatre.”

“Let’s face it, if everyone in that cinema had had a gun, there wouldn’t just have been one person firing indiscriminately in a darkened room – there would have been 200 people doing it.”

“Obviously that makes much more sense.”

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July 26, 2012

“You are all cunts”: Romney

by articulatedsheep

US Presidential hopeful has continued his bid for the White House with a whistle-stop visit to the UK in the runup to the Olympic Games, which he has so far used to hurl insults at Britain and the British.

“Thank you, but I already have enough microphones of my own”


“You folks have this quaint phrase,” he told assembled reporters, “something about not being able to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Well, I look at these Olympics that you’re organising, and I think to myself – not so much a piss-up, more of a fuck-up.”

“You’re a bunch of fucking losers, basically.”

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July 26, 2012

Sebastian Coe’s evil plan begins to unfold

by philapilus
English: 14 kiloton atomic explosion, from a 1...

Coe and Opening Ceremony organiser Danny Boyle have promised the London 2012 Olympics will “go off with a bang…”

Rumours abound this morning that yesterday’s supposedly accidental slight to the North Korean women’s football team, was actually an act of outright provocation.

North Korean players’ profiles were shown on video screens next to the South Korean flag, which led to a walk-off by the players, and a delay in the match by an hour. The Olympic organisers issued an apology to the North Koreans, and insisted it was an honest mistake.

But Mike Ock of BBC Sport said “I have been speaking to the technicians involved in producing the video display. What has begun to emerge is a very disturbing picture of intentional offence.

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July 23, 2012

“I had a nightmare, a terrible nightmare!”

by philapilus
DSC_6364 Sebastian Coe on big screen

The stuff of our worst nightmares

Britain woke up this morning from a terrible dream, walked to the bathoom where her lover Bobby Ewing was having a morning shower, and burst into tears, saying; “Oh it was awful! I had this terrible dream, that seemed to last for years and years and years!

“When I woke up I thought for a godawful minute that we had been stupid enough to host the 2012 Olympics here in London! I dreamt that in 2005 we won the Olympic bid, and that we spent seven years of gruelling misery getting ready for it.

“It seemed so real!”

Bobby held the UK tightly in his arms and said “It’s ok, it’s ok. What happened?”

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July 18, 2012

People who don’t try to prolong life dying sooner

by philapilus

Groundbreaking research, published in the Lancet, has suggested that people who don’t spend an inordinate amount of time trying to be healthy and to live longer, tend to be less healthy, and sometimes don’t live as long.

The compelling report, written by researchers from across the world, challenges conventional wisdom, in stating that obese people who do no exercise and sit around eating bucketfuls of cheesy wotsits, are more likely to die of things related to, say, being inactive and overindulging.

Co-author Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Shoe Recycling-Bin School of Lardarses, said “What our report demonstrates, is that a person’s health is related to how healthy they are. And whether or not they live healthily. And whether they try to avoid ill-health.”

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