English men are inexplicably down in the dumps

by philapilus
English: Plastic pizza saver - used to keep th...

If your job involves the use of these, then for God’s sake don’t go in today; barricade your doors, and stay under the covers till at least mid-week.

This morning women all over the country reported noticing that men seemed really quite miserable, and that most had a misanthropic, murderous scowl on their faces that was worse than the usual one.

Despite the fact that the sun was shining over most of the country, the male mood was a worrying seventy per cent lower than usual, according to figures which are impossible to check.

An astonishingly large proportion of the bit of the country’s population whose genitals dangle, turned up for work this morning wearing badges that read ‘If you talk to me, I will kill you’.

Wholly random attacks on foreigners were also up a surprising 1304%, with Italians being the most targeted. Many hairdressers, cafe proprietors, and sales assistants in expensive clothing stores, reported being jostled, shouted at, punched in the face, and in some cases, rounded up and thrown under trains in large groups.

Nintendo games featuring Mario, pizza delivery menus, and cups of capuccino were seized by hordes of usually mild-mannered office workers, piled up in the streets, and set fire to. Which didn’t work very well, as most coffee is a bit wet and not very flammable.

Mondayologist Professor Hamish McEyebrau, head of Vortex of Misery studies at Slough Public Toilets College of Social Research, said “Monday morning is traditionally considered the scourge of the typical English male.

“With their innate hatred of work, inexplicable sense of entitlement to four day weekends, and tendency to have massive hangovers, Englishmen as a race have developed serious allergies t0 the beginning of the week.

“But what we are seeing here is something dangerously unstable even by our usual standards. Chances are that if you know any men, they are going to be a hair’s breadth away from psychotic violence all day today.”

He added “Of course, I am talking about men who aren’t involved in the sciences or arts, men who drink lager, men who like cars, and men who get incredibly nervous and aggressive about the thought of putting their willies inside other men.

“I was fine this morning, myself. Did anyone else see Julius Caesar on BBC4 last night? Terrific, wasn’t it?”

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