Penguins “sick depraved bastards” revelation

by unpseudable

“You are sick! Sick! I can’t even look at you!”

Research newly unearthed by the Natural History Museum from Captain Scott’s expedition to the Antarctic reveal just how totally fucked up the animal kingdom can be.

George Murray Levick, a scientist with Scott’s expedition 100 years ago was so shocked by what he saw he could only face reporting the hideousness in Greek. Some male Adélie penguins, he reported, have sex with dead females. In fact, they’d sometimes fuck ones who died the year before. Furthermore some would lure females and chicks, screw them and sometimes even kill them.  And probably then fuck them again.

Some would even have sex with other males.

“They just fuck left, right and centre.” Wrote Levick. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. That’s all they do. Well, sometimes they eat. And sleep. The rest of the time it’s just a whole lot of fucking. Look, there are some going at it right now. Oh my God, I think I’m going to be sick. That one’s actually falling apart. Dead is dead, you sick fuck!”

While this is shocking news to the lay community, it comes as little surprise to seasoned naturalists.

“Oh yes, Adélies – sick little buggers,” says David Attenborough. “But they’re not the only ones. Emperors are pretty perverted too – oh, March of the Penguins didn’t show you any of that did it? But sex isn’t all – I was once set upon by half a dozen Gentoos. Oh, I can still see their beaks, pecking away! Actually, that was slightly sexual. And I heard of a Macaroni Penguin getting done for fraud last year. Oh, and certain Rockhoppers do partake in prostitution. It’s well recorded.”

The Really Wild Show’s Chris Packham reveals that all is not well amongst the otherwise gentle fauna of our own islands. “I was once mugged by badger. The little fucker had a knife. And squirrels are mean little pickpockets. As for the weird sexual shit, you really don’t want to know what pipistrelle bats get up to. Seriously, I’m still having counselling…”

Terry Nutkins is reportedly still too traumatised by the debauchery of the house sparrow to make a statement.

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