Cameron describes Balls as “fucking cunt” in Commons outburst

by articulatedsheep

In a stormy Prime Minister’s Questions today, David Cameron described Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls as a “fucking cunt” who “deserves to be thrown head-first into an enormous cauldron full of raw sewage while weighed down

Cameron: “statesmanlike”

with lead ingots”.

The Prime Minister, who, as usual, arrived at the Commons on his magnificent white charger Xanthippus, said that the outburst was a response to Mr. Balls’ frequent provocation, including ten minutes at the beginning of today’s PMQs where the Shadow Chancellor stuck his tongue behind his lower lip and made “straining sounds”, while holding up a sign reading, “U R A SPASTIC LOL”.

Mr. Cameron also retaliated by loudly saying, “Shut up, shut up, shut up” every time a Labour MP started speaking, only to stop as soon as the MP stopped talking, and then immediately start again as soon as they tried to restart.

He furthermore made a “series of exaggerated yawns” while “ostentatiously looking at his watch” as Ed Miliband asked a tedious question about Britain’s balance of payments or some shit.

Called on by Commons Speaker John Bercow to apologise for what he termed, “unparliamentary language”, Mr. Cameron said, “Mr. Speaker, you are quite right. I should apologise. My sincere apologies to all the world’s fucking cunts, who now have to count Ed “Fatface” Balls in their numbers.” He then turned around and grinned smugly at Tory backbenchers while nodding slowly.

Sensing that the ante had been upped, Labour questions for the remainder of the session were all a variation on the theme of, “Would the Prime Minister explain to the House why he is such a colossal noob, and a wanker to boot?”

Mr. Cameron batted these jibes away by saying, “I would remind the Honourable Gentlemen that I have had all their mums. I didn’t enjoy it but they were basically begging for it.”

Labour MPs responded by shouting that the Prime Minister was “a massive twat”, who would “be lucky if he didn’t get a decking” before the afternoon was out.

Towards the end of the half-hour of PMQs, Tory backbencher Zac Goldsmith asked, “Would the Prime Minister confirm that he was as surprised as I was to read recent, authoritative research, definitively proving that the entire Labour front bench are gaylords?”

Mr. Cameron responded, saying, “I would like to thank my Honourable Friend for that question. It is indeed beyond doubt that every member of the party opposite is a huge homo. In fact, the House may care to see some pictures that I have drawn of the Honourable Member for Islington North taking it up the arse from Leonid Brezhnev.”

Experts have confirmed that Britain’s parliamentary democracy is still the best in the world and that political discourse in the UK really is soaring to unprecedented Olympian heights of erudition, so that’s all right.

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