Scottish government intitiative to increase consumption of meths and turpentine

by philapilus

It is hoped the new minimum price will cut per capita daily intake down to roughly this amount

The Scottish Nationalists have unveiled a bold strategy to get completely wankered Scotsmen off booze and back on to cheaper, more dangerous substances.

The move comes after calls from the medical profession, the police, charities, and even the alcohol industry, for a cull on the swelling numbers of unruly, pissed-up twats, who are currently destroying any chance the country has of entering the modern era.

Unveiling a new fifty pence minimum price for a unit of alcohol, Alex Salmond – whose political supremacy proves just how dire the national drink problem is – said “Och, wha’ ye dinnae ken iz the extent o’ tha trooble. Yon’ pissers iz go frae sprits an beer frae morn bin nacht. An’ they dinnae keel o’er frae long, long yeers. Iz a drrrain on tha’ cuntry’s feenance. E’en us Scoats iznae prood o’ sum’ o’ they. Tha’ ought tae shew ye quate how bad it iz noo.”

Speaking in English, and therefore almost certainly displaying a greater level of intellectual ability, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Tyre-dump Research Centre of Offensive Stereotypes and Alcoholism, said “Allow me to elucidate what Mr Salmon is trying, in his primitive dialect, to say.”

“The Scotsman, a mean and tough breed, tends to  consume more alcohol per capita daily than any five rugby players you can name, and owing to his hardy constitution, manages to survive to a great age whilst doing so. Sometimes well into his fifth decade; which is of course quite high for a third world country.

“This new policy aims to force the impoverished peasant into considerably more harmful ways of pickling his small, underdeveloped brain, and should cut healthcare bills in half, whilst simultaneously providing a great boon to the undertaking industry. Which is good news for the Scottish one out of Dad’s Army.”

Health Minister Nicola Sturgeon said “This new policy may sound harsh, but we simply do not have enough batter and budget vegetable oil to feed all the alcoholics currently beleaguring the health services.

“Once we get them dying in their droves on garage forecourts, with lighter fluid dribbling from their nostrils, we should be able to get back to merely epidemic-level alcoholism. And we know how to deal with that. Sort of.”

But not everyone is convinced that making alcohol expensive is the best way to kill off the notoriously hardy Scot.

Tim Twanks, an unemployed supplier of soft drinks to Scottish pubs, said “The problem is that if you get them on meths, they will quickly develop an immunity. They are like cockroaches. And then what? Try and wean them onto petrol? Swimming-pool disinfectant?”

He shook his head sadly. “This has not been thought through at all. Before you know it there’s going to be a run on creosote, and then it’ll be like Newcastle all over again.”


The Morning Babel would like to apologise for the inherent racism of this syndicated article, reprinted verbatim from that awful rag with ‘Mail’ in the title.

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