P&O sets unprecedented standards for care of indentured crew

by philapilus


Photograph of a slave boy in Zanzibar. Nationa...

P&O's apprenticeship scheme is second to none

P&O Cruises have today announced their extremely beneficent intention to pay their sub-human galley slaves a whopping 75p per hour, plus – if they are good – they might be allowed to keep some of the tips.

Unlike most cruise-ship companies, who keep their manacled oarsmen in harsh conditions (with no food until sundown, and only brackish water to drink), P&O has always been a humanitarian trailblazer, allowing a daily toilet break, and a weekly change of loincloth.

Tim Twanks, public relations advisor for P&O, said “The scores of pennies which we bestow upon the unwashed trogladytes below deck more than compensate them for the relatively easy chore of pulling on 12 foot long wooden paddles, for eleven hours a day, whilst a leather-clad overseer lashes them with a whip.”

“We think that our generosity in this matter is already ahead of the game, especially when you consider these coolies come from some of the scummiest bits of the world.

“What we pay is a king’s ransom, compared to what they would be earning if they were searching the bins of Rio’s slums for rotten cabbage. Hopefully they’re very grateful.”

In addition to the pennies, the galley staff may even be allowed to keep some of the stale bits of leftover food that the rotund, pink British tourists drop through the latticed floor, whilst stuffing their faces.

Provided, of course, that they meet strict performance targets of around 99%.

David Dingle, boss of P&O, said “This equitable scheme means that as long as our oarsmen manage to get a hearty recommendation from every single one of our several thousand tourists, they will, in all probability, be given second or third dibs on anything that falls into the Stygian gloom of their rowing stocks.”

Rick Head, a 32 stone decorator from Staines and yearly tourist on P&O ferries said “The darkies get 75p an hour? What on earth do they need that for? Back where they’re from they could probably keep all their wives for a month on that! It’s daylight robbery!

“Except on ships, if you can have robbery on ships. I don’t know what that would even be called.”

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