London elections: your vote, your choice

by articulatedsheep

This Thursday will see the fourth set of elections for a London Mayor. Because everyone and everything in the world that is important either is in, or relates to, London, we are going to ignore the fact that 109 councils in the rest of England are also having elections (along with the Welsh Assembly) to provide you with a quick and easy guide to decide who to cast your ballot for on Thursday, on the assumption that you live in the capital.

This is a multiple choice test.

When I think about what makes London best, I think about:

  1. Our proud traditional of Islamic fundamentalism;
  1. London’s new fleet of £1.6 million-each Routemaster buses;
  2. Some guff about the environment (ie birds, insects and shit);
  3. Nothing that’s happened since 1948, that’s for sure.

The one thing that would make London better would be:

  1. An immediate increase in the GLA precept to £8000 per year per household, and a 4p reduction in fares by the year 2035 (in real terms);
  2. Four more years of some messy haired philanderer shambling about making jokes;
  3. More environmental stuff (ie, trees, flowers etc);
  4. For all the darkies to be rounded up, shoved in the back of Bedford lorries, driven to a remote quarry and napalmed.

When I am called upon to make a toast at a social gathering, I make it:

  1. “To international socialism, and the struggle of our comrades in Venezuala and Cuba to vanquish their imperialist enemies”;
  2. “To the extremely discreet and understanding doctors of Harley Street”;
  3. “To Mother Earth”;
  4. “To the immortal memory of our glorious and eternal Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler”.

We should tackle violence and anti-social behaviour by:

  1. Reaching out to disenfranchised communities by siphoning hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of taxpayers’ money to slush funds and special interest groups. Allegedly;
  2. Going on holiday for several weeks and ignoring the problem;
  3. All forming a circle and singing “Age of Aquarius”;
  4. Ruthlessly crushing subversive elements with the iron will and ruthless resolve of a Panzer division rolling into Poland.

My vision of London in fifty years time is:

  1. A city with a first-rate transport system where everyone lives in peace and harmony, except the Jews;
  2. Cable cars. Fucking everywhere;
  3. Some hippy-dippy bullshit;
  4. A cross between the Robert Harris novel “Fatherland” and the film “Logan’s Run”.

So, who should you vote for?

Mostly 1s – Labour

Mostly 2s – Conservative

Mostly 3s – Green. Or you may as well vote for Siobhan Benita for all the good it will do you.

Mostly 4s – Liberal Democrat.

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