“Please please me like you used to” say Egyptian female corpses

by philapilus
Mummy of Queen Ahmose Inhapy

Phwooaarrrrr! Be honest; who wouldn't hit that?!

Egypt may be on the cusp of passing a revolutionary piece of legislation, dealing with a thorny area of morality no government has yet dared contemplate.

As the twentieth and twenty-first centuries have brought the world ever closer to full-scale zombie apocalypse, all kinds of new codes of ethics have had to be considered: when is it ok to shoot a toddler in the face? How many times do you have to repeat your father’s name with tears in your eyes before you decapitate him with your ornamental coal-shovel? When you flee the city, is it ever ok to leave behind your annoying son, the one you pretend to love as much as your daughter, (but who really just pisses you off, and drove you to have a vasectomy)?

But so far only Egypt has tried to develop a humane, enlightened policy to consider how Z-day will affect the issue of that strongest demonstration of love and affection; sex.

Egyptian women have long been clamouring for a law allowing their husbands to copulate with their bodies shortly after they die, and this proposed ‘Farewell Intercourse’ legislation has found many ardent supporters.

“Think of it as the ultimate, tender goodbye between lovers,” said the zombified corpse of Doria Shafik, “This is a real victory for women. The first thing I realised when I was dead was that actually I wanted a really good shag. And brains. Yep, brains…BRAINS…”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I have some shuffling and moaning to do.” she said, and lurched slowly off towards a frightened looking group of teenagers.

The former Ester Akhnoukh Fanous added “Egypt’s National Council for Women is calling for a day of national celebration if the law passes. It takes the most enlightened progressive thinkers, people like the Muslim Brotherhood, to come up with such radical humanitarian legislation, and I think this is something that should make every Egyptian proud.”

Naturally press reaction in Britain has been typified by conservatism and fuckwittery.

Nadine Dorries wrote a piece for the Daily Mail calling for “A war on evil Egyptian darkies, with their primitive lesser minds” whilst Polly Toynbee said in the Guardian “Nothing changes. We hypocritical Western liberals are always imposing our values on everyone else. Isn’t what we do much, much worse than necrophilia?”

A very few commentators have suggested that perhaps you don’t have to be a condescending, foaming-at-the-mouth racist to think that women’s bodies being penetrated after death might be a bit of a blow for feminism in Egypt, but happily everyone is ignoring them.

The zombified Fanous gnawed intestines thoughtfully and said “Our dead sexual organs pass from dryness, to cold stiffness, and then to warm, runny decay and ooziness, but they still need just as much satisfaction. It is lovely to know that The End doesn’t have to stop us getting our end away.”

 She sighed happily, “It’s a dream come true, being a woman in modern Egypt. Especially if you are dead.”


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