Welshmen “thought penguin was a lass from Swansea”

by philapilus
Humbolt Penguin at Whipsnade Zoo.

Gwyneth Evans, MP for Aberystwyth, utterly condemns the blatant racism of this article, angrily retorting 'Qweuack, qweuack qweu qweu QWEEUUUAAACK'

Two intoxicated Welshmen who broke into an Australian theme park and abducted a penguin, have protested against prosecution charges on the grounds that they mistook the creature for a Welsh woman.

The men who have not yet been named – but are almost certainly called something like Dai Evans and Gareth Jones – are being charged with trespass, and stealing and keeping a protected animal, as well as drunken fuckwittery.

Dai and Gareth – or Hugh and Morgan, or Lewellyn and Brynn, or whatever they were called – have issued a statement, written with a thick Welsh accent, saying “We are so very sorry, see? But it didn’t half look like a beautiful lady from the valleys, see? Small, sleek, very furry and smelling of fish; we were convinced she was a flower amongst Welsh women. We said to one another ‘There’s lovely, isn’t it?’ We had no idea it was a penguin. Deary, deary me.”

Bruce Mitchell, of the Australian Racially Stereotypical Lawyers Association, said “G’day mate. Thing is, these two blokes are what we in God’s own country call ‘retards’. They both had too many coldies, got drunk as chundering possums, broke into the park, and did a Ned Kelly act with a penguin.

“Strewth, you can see why they thought it was one of their Sheilas; they speak a sort of gibberish that sounds like penguins chattering after all. What a pair of dills.”

Australian animal charities have stressed concern for what the drunken men might have been doing to the penguin, during the hours before it was recovered, but as both men were too inebriated to remember, the charities decided “Probly best to leave it, mate, and go for a bonzer barbie on the beach. She’ll be right.”

This is not the first time Welshmen have got into trouble abroad with animals:

  • In 2005 Owen Jones was found in a compromising situation with a llama in Peru, though he insisted he was dyslexic and had thought it was a lamb.
  • In 2007, Kai Jones (no relation) was arrested in Poland after five ewes were discovered in his bedroom – which he claimed he was simply using as bedwarmers against the cruel Polack weather, in the absence of a sheepskin blanket.
  • And in 2010 the entire Welsh rugby team (all called Jones (no relation)) was arrested after a tour of a New Zealand sheep-petting zoo resulted in an extraordinary number of cases of…well, you probably know where this is going.

And that’s not even mentioning the Prince of Wales, whose personal history in this area has been described by a former aide as “frighteningly dark…”

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