Archive for March 28th, 2012

March 28, 2012

Government issues entirely proportionate advice on fuel shortages

by articulatedsheep

Draw close, dear friends, and hear tell of the bygone age when petrol was but £1.10 a litre

The Government has defended itself against charges that advice it has given to motorists in advance of expected fuel shortages is “scaremongering”.

The Unite union has announced, following a successful strike ballot, 90% of Britain’s oil tanker drivers will shortly be going on strike. No date for the stoppage has been announced, and there is no indication of how long it might last.

Government guidance, which will be wrapped around bricks and personally thrown through the front window of every home in the country, is titled, “This shit is going to make ‘The Road’ look like a fucking picnic”.

The guidance suggests that concerned drivers should immediately “kill everyone they love” because the post-fuel shortage world will be “viciously brutal – a landscape more depraved and horrendous than a Japanese prisoner of war camp in the ninth circle of Hell. On fire.”,  and that “the sweet release of death will be a kindness compared to the inferno of savagery that will soon sweep over the carbonised corpse of what we once knew as Britain”.

The guidance further suggests that people form themselves into baying mobs to grab what foodstuffs still remain on shop shelves, “before it’s all too late”.

The guidance concludes with the words, “And may God have mercy on our miserable souls.”

Shoving a blonde, blue-eyed toddler to the ground in a frantic dash to get to the one petrol station in London where prices are still lower than 144.9ppl, the Prime Minister said, “This is it. The balloon’s gone up.”

“Make no mistake – as the direct result of a couple of thousand people going on strike for a few days, our civilisation will quickly descend into outright, inhumane barbarism.”

“Anthropophagy, the sacrifice of innocents to the all-powerful ‘oil god’, desperate bargains being done with the Great Humungous in return for safe passage through the wasteland. All these things – currently, in modern Britain, confined to small areas of Humberside – will be par for the course across the nation.”

The National Association of Petrol Retailers said, “We are currently retrofitting all forecourts in the country with machine gun nests to protect our members from the hordes. We did ask for the army to man them, but they said something about being all tied up in the next couple of weeks driving tankers.”

At the time of going to press, Ed Miliband, apparently Leader of the Opposition, had come out either angrily against the strike action, or guardedly in favour. Or both. Or neither. It’s difficult to say.

Meanwhile, George Osborne, chairing a meeting of the shadowy Bilberberg Group in the depths of the secret Nazi moonbase, said, “Gentlemen, the final piece is in place. Operation ‘Endgame’ is ready to be implemented.”

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March 28, 2012

BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

by philapilus
Obese man early 20th century

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, “MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.

***

TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.