James Cameron plumbs lowest depths – and also explores ocean’s bottom

by philapilus
Korea-Sea cucumber-Haesam hoe

Ocean wonders: as beautiful as it gets. Unfortunately.

Film director James Cameron has gone to the very lowest levels mankind can reach – making truly appalling movies, the rank sentimentality of which is only slightly less egregious than the total absence of any engaging plot or characters.

And he also just took a submarine to the deepest part of the ocean as well.

Cameron – or James ‘that guy who made a couple of good films in the eighties and has steadily been churning out dross ever since’ Cameron, as he is known in Hollywood – is one of the world’s most discussed film directors.  Discussions, for instance, like:

“Did you see that new James Cameron movie, about blue people?”

“Yeah, shite wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, total dross.”

Long-time colleague of the director, Sigourney Weaver, said “Of course we were all terribly excited when James got in a metal tube and sunk to the bottom of the Mariana trench, the lowest point on the surface of the Earth.

“But then, sadly, he came back up again. Which was very annoying. We’d already cracked open the bubbly, and quickly had to pretend it was to celebrate his safe return.”

She sighed dejectedly and said “He didn’t even get the bends, which might have cheered us up. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want at all.”

On re-emerging from the submersible, Cameron was said to be “Smugly self-satisfied to the point where you want to slap him round the head with a balloon full of pig-urine till it bursts”, according to a disinterested observer.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, Head Sinkingthingsologist of the Slough Crematorium College of Oceanography and Hairdressing, said “Of course, exploring the seas is terribly important. There could be cures for cancer down there. Or an octopus with nine legs. I mean, what would you even call such a thing?

“Yes, you’re probably right; nonapus or bizarre freak of nature would do. But these days most explorations are done in unmanned submersibles which have more room for scientific equipment and can stay down longer.

“The Yanks and the Nips have both sent down unmanned subs with cameras and really cool wavy robot arms, perfectly capable of doing all that needs to be done. Which, let’s face it, isn’t much, because it’s pitch dark and there’s bugger all there.”

He looked embarrassed and said “To be honest the only reason we don’t just lower down an underwater Nikon and a bucket tied to the end of a piece of rope is because they don’t make rope in seven-mile lengths.”

Cameron insisted his dive was for scientific reasons, much to the amusement of scientists. Although he did receive funding from the National Geographic, which just goes to show that if you are enough of a self-absorbed tosser you can get away with anything.

McEyebrau said “Manned-trips, or ‘ego-trips’ as we call them, are now the preserve of that intrepid group of travellers, the stupidly-rich. If he really wanted to do something to further scientific causes he could have donated money for the kids with the worms eating their eyes, or poured acidic facewash onto a rabbit. Anyway. Clearly he just fancies himself as some kind of ocean bottom-explorer.

“Ha, I just said ‘bottom explorer’!” he tittered.

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