Shock at claims that donations in exchange for influence give influence to donors

by philapilus
Pound Sign (£) created with the Nimbus Sans ty...

Money can't buy you Gove - or any other Conservative MP. Probably.

Widespread and very nearly genuine shock was expressed this morning by all three of the major parties, after the Sunday Times published Peter Cruddas’ claims that giving lots of money to the Conservatives made you their bestest new friend.

“Cruddas was secretly filmed by Sunday Times journalists posing as journalists from a different newspaper,” said an unreliable source this morning, “who asked him what kind of access to top Tories could be expected in exchange for sizeable donations to the Conservative party.”

Cruddas’ response, according to a close friend (admittedly not one of Cruddas’s, though) was “Ok; 10 large will get you the PM’s private phone number and lunch; 50 will get you a leisurely afternoon shooting the breeze by the pool with Dave, while Nick Clegg mixes you cocktails; 100 k will give you a romantic candlelit evening with Cameron, and a back-rub from George Osborne; while for a full quarter-mill you get anything and everything you want. And I do mean anything…”

At which point he winked, waggled his eyebrows, and said “Know what I mean?”

David Cameron vigorously denied the allegations, stepping out of the sauna – and quickly shutting the door behind him – saying “This idea, that rich people giving money to us could possibly affect policy, is totally untrue. Complete balderdash. Laughable. Ahaha.

“If anything we’re less likely to listen to you if you make large donations to us. I personally make a point of looking closely at our list of donors and then crossing all their names off my Christmas card list. And when I am on the campaign trail, I will only speak to bona fide non-Conservatives, who would never dream of voting for me.

“What? In the sauna with me? No, no one. Just me. Little old me, on my tod. All the towels? No, they’re all for me. I like a lot of towels after a good steam. Yep, it’s just me in there.”

Ed Miliband, superman of the left, now that they have absolutely no influence on anything, said “This is typical, we have always said that the Tories are a party of the rich, who are all rich, and get money from the rich, and listen only to the rich and then provide for the rich. Sickening. Cash for influence is disgusting. I might throw up right now.

“What? Trade Union donations? No, no, that’s different. That doesn’t get them any influence at all. No, that’s just…well, it’s definitely not the same. That’s more like charity. Did I mention that the Tories are all rich?”

The Liberal Democrats also very nearly made noises that could have been considered threatening, if indeed they had been heard, but unfortunately they said whatever it was that they said slightly too quietly. Pity.

A teary-eyed Cruddas immediately resigned from his post, saying “Oh my god, what have I done? They’re going to blackball me at the Carlton! I’ll be blanked at the Henley Regatta! My wife’s credit-line at Harrods will be called in!

“My life is not worth living!” he sobbed.

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