New deep-water well west of Shetland “will be absolutely fine” say BP

by articulatedsheep

The Government have granted BP permission to drill for oil in deep waters west of Shetland, having been satisfied by the oil company’s assertion that, “you know, law of averages and everything, how likely is it that the same thing is going to happen again? You know, seriously.”

BP’s detailed submission to Government featured a photograph of an oil-covered sea bird with a big cross through it, above a caption reading “UNLIKELY. WE THINK.”

“I mean, we can’t make any guarantees,” said a phlegmatic executive, who may or may not work, or have worked, for BP or one of its contractors, thereby providing TMB with a useful ‘uncertainty of object’ defence should one of said companies feel that this article was in some way defamatory.

The executive surreptitiously fed a large wad of papers into a shredder – papers that were entirely unconnected to this story – before continuing, “But if you were going to hold me to a figure, I think that the risk of a catastrophic blowout on any experimental, or commercial, wells in this area would be… I don’t know… 5%? Maybe 15%. Actually, let’s round it up to 20%.”

Asked whether BP had put in place detailed monitoring measures to ensure that subcontractors used the appropriate materials for the construction of the wells, which will be placed in areas notorious for their inhospitable maritime conditions, the executive’s eyes widened for a moment, before he scribbled a couple of sentences down on a nearby pad of paper.

“Yep. Yep, we’ve definitely done that.” he then said.

BP experienced a PR disaster following the catastrophic blowout at the Deepwater Horizon platform in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010, but have managed to win back public, and Government, support, with a targeted marketing campaign pushing key messages such as, “Well, you need oil for your car, and medicines, and stuff made of plastic, so what are you gonna do?”, and “Oh, do fuck off, this whinging is all getting extremely tedious”.

Chief Executive Tony Heywood, who was criticised for kicking oil-covered sand in the faces of downtrodden Louisiana residents while touring the disaster zone, and for suggesting that BP should mop up the spill with a massive pile of £50 notes that BP “happened to have lying around”, has since been replaced at the top of BP by a completely different middle-aged man whose entire professional career has been spent in the petroleum industry. But he is an American, so that’s probably fine.

Government has expressed its confidence that BP has learned important lessons from the Gulf spill. Climate Change minister Ed Davey said, “These important developments demonstrates this Government’s commitment to securing a carbon-neutral future for the UK by drilling under some of the roughest seas in the world to pull out oil that will, in any case, run out in thirty years’ time.”

“I would say that we will use this precious three-decade window of opportunity wisely, by seeking to diversify our energy mix, investing heavily in renewables and promoting innovative measures of energy generation such as tidal and geothermal power.”

“But no, we’re not actually going to do any of those things.”

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