Archive for March 24th, 2012

March 24, 2012

“No, we’re not going to fucking Ecobuild” say harassed public sector workers

by articulatedsheep

Responding to a ceaseless tide of publicity material circulated to promote last week’s Ecobuild conference in central London, the UNISON, PCS and GMB unions have issued a joint statement to the conference organisers.

“Our members would like to make it clear,” says the statement, “that no, we do not intend to go to Ecobuild. Yes, we are aware that it is going on. Yes, you have very successfully achieved ‘market penetration with potential delegates’ by putting an insert into every single fucking trade paper and magazine with even a tangential relevance to people involved in sustainable development. Yes, well done for managing to send seemingly billions of marketing e-mails on the subject on an almost hourly basis. Yes, all this has even provoked us, in darker moments, to think, ‘Hmm, maybe we should go to this Ecobuild thing, it sounds quite interesting’, only to suddenly begin to doubt our own sanity.”

“But no. No, we are not going to Ecobuild.”

“Please, fuck off.”

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March 24, 2012

New deep-water well west of Shetland “will be absolutely fine” say BP

by articulatedsheep

The Government have granted BP permission to drill for oil in deep waters west of Shetland, having been satisfied by the oil company’s assertion that, “you know, law of averages and everything, how likely is it that the same thing is going to happen again? You know, seriously.”

BP’s detailed submission to Government featured a photograph of an oil-covered sea bird with a big cross through it, above a caption reading “UNLIKELY. WE THINK.”

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