Budget: winners and losers

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that the big winners in the 2012 Budget will be corpulent plutocrats who frequently wear top hats and smoke huge cigars, while the big losers will be everybody else.

Detailed figures published by the Treasury this morning have set out a full breakdown of measures being put in place by the Chancellor to grind the poor further into the dirt. These include:

        A £2 billion subsidy for fine champagne for people mentioned in Burke’s Peerage;

–        Free membership of two West End clubs for all sons of the nobility;

–        A cash injection for Britain’s struggling silver-topped walking cane industry;

–        A national rollout of steel-soled boots with which the moneyed elite can stamp on the faces of homeless people while chortling heartily;

–        The reinstatement of the principle of jus prima noctis, which will now allow the directors of all FTSE 100 companies to sleep with any employee on their first day in the job;

–        The construction of a large fleet of entrepreneurial limousines, in which captains of industry will sit in comfort while being conveyed to a variety of agreeable City lunches, insulated from the slow breakdown of civilisation occurring around them.

Mr. Osborne said, “These important measures will help to get Britain moving again.”

Commenting on suggestions that changes to child benefit will see a “cliff edge” being created that will see parents earning around £41,000 suffering a dramatic cut in income, Mr. Osborne further said, “We’ve been very alive to this problem. We weren’t sure how to deal with it, until we started to think about it as a literal cliff edge – then the problem was obvious. Basically, Government policy is now that we are going to throw all children off cliffs. Two birds with one stone – no more child benefit and hugely reduced expenditure on education.”

The Chancellor’s stated aim to bring down the deficit will mean that further cost-saving measures will have to be taken. The Budget indicates that the following money-raising initiatives will be put in place “as soon as is practicable”:

–        Teams of thugs to go around the houses of anyone earning less than £35,000 and take anything which might have a decent resale value;

–        Pensions to be reduced to 7p per year, with those over 65 being exhorted by the Government to “go on the game” to make up the cash shortfall;

–        The closure of all public transport;

–        More taxes on “stuff that poor people like” (exact details to be confirmed).

Opinion has broadly been in favour of these measures. Graham Twat, the chairman of Greedy Bastard Development plc, spoke to TMB as he oversaw the demolition of an orphanage to make space for the highly speculative construction of a large number of executive apartments. “This is good news for people like me,” he said, wrenching the engagement ring from the hand of a weeping housewife who happened to be passing. “Us businesspeople are all utter bastards who think nothing of pissing on those less fortunate than ourselves and have no conception of the responsibilities inherent in living in a civilised society. So, as you would expect, I am cock-a-fucking-hoop.”

“Incidentally, when I said that I think nothing of pissing on those less fortunate than myself, I wasn’t speaking figuratively.”

Some campaign groups, however, have been angry in their condemnation of the Government’s approach. Sandy Wet, from the grassroots “Boo to Things That Are Nasty” campaign, said, “We are against things that are nasty, and in favour of things that are nice. The Budget is nasty, so we are against it. Instead, we think that the Chancellor should have done something nicer. Any questions?”

Labour Leader Ed Miliband has thrown his considerable weight and gravitas behind campaigns opposing many of the measures in the Budget. Speaking from the cockpit of a space shuttle which he was about to pilot on a solo, suicidal mission to eliminate the threat of a huge asteroid on a collision course with Planet Earth, Miliband said, “I will not rest until the Government puts in place a dampener or tapering mechanism for recipients of tax credits. Watch out Osborne – I’m coming to get you.” Miliband later carried out a daring spacewalk in the Earth’s upper atmosphere, crushing the two-mile-wide asteroid with his bare hands and hence saving all humanity.

The Budget also sees a 20% VAT rate being placed on pies, previously exempt from the tax. Observers fear that this could lead to appalling consequences in the North. “We could be left in a situation,” said one gruff Yorkshireman, “whereby Wakefield will only be left with seven branches of Greggs. These are tough times.”

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