Archive for March 21st, 2012

March 21, 2012

Women absolutely love being knocked about a bit

by articulatedsheep

By intrepid Daily Mail correspondent, Carol Sarler (whose original article can be found here)

I am an idiot. An idiot – at the very least – for suggesting that it might somehow be alright for men to physically assault women.

I could be so good for you. Or not.

But, in many respects, it’s not that surprising. When my boss called me into the editorial suite this morning and said, “Quick Carol – bash out some rubbish about Dennis Waterman hitting Rula Lenska. And make it as morally reprehensible as possible – we need to get those page views up”, I knew there was only one course of action I could take.

Although there can never be any reasoned excuse for brute force, please bear with me while I try to tortuously build one.

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March 21, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: God in the dock?

by philapilus

English: Broken glass, off Queen's Road, Titan...

The Lord God Almighty has found Himself the target of a vast array of lawsuits this evening, after tabloid newspapers explained that footballer Fabrice Muamba had been miraculously resurrected after his cardiac arrest last Saturday.

Many of the families of the 1200 or so other people who have had heart attacks since Saturday, but who died without subsequently being miraculously brought back, are formally accusing God of rank favouritism.

“The fact that the Lord is a huge Bolton Wanderers fan is simply no excuse,” said lawyer Penelope Pitstopovic “I am representing just a few of the many families angered by the way sport has been allowed to stray into religion. We want justice. Failing that, we want a lot of money.”

Meanwhile the UK’s most popular man, Andrew Lansley, said “What? God did it? That’s just great! All we need to do is re-categorise all of the population who are sick as Bolton Wanderers players, and leave it up to the Lord! This could save us a lot of money. I knew we didn’t need the NHS…”

 

March 21, 2012

Olympics “totally not about making money”

by philapilus
Cropped transparent version of Image:Olympic f...

These five rings represent the amount of zeros automatically added to the cost of anything once it has been tenuously linked to the Olympics

Relief flooded the hearts and minds of Britain’s Olympic-loving population today as it was confirmed by the Minister for Hulture, Media and Sport, the Rt.Hon. Jeremy Cunt, that the Olympics was far beyond the petty, squalid realms of money.

The Ron Jeremy Cunt’s soothing words came after a row blew up yesterday over the decision of the Games Organiser, Locog, to charge torchbearers £200 to be allowed to keep their torches.

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