“I was completely off my tits” says Prince

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

"This is rally good shit, homies"

An aide to Prince Harry has issued an important correction to all the newspaper stories which reported that the Prince had been ‘choked up’ on his recent Commonwealth tour.

Apparently Harry had actually admitted to being ‘coked up’, but due to an over-reliance on Microsoft spellcheck – stemming from piss-poor education – virtually every Fleet Street Royal Correspondent had managed to misrepresent the Prince.

“What he said was that he had been heavily using class A drugs. Pretty much for the entirety of his visit,” said the aide, “mostly coke, but also some heroin. And, of course, weed. Why else do you think he went to fucking Jamaica?”

At a press conference towards the end of the tour, Harry said “Yers, we had a rally, rally good time. Good show all round. Smashing chaps. Played polo. Got utterly mashed. More than I was at Eton, even. Great bowls of charley everywhere. Top form.

“And the horse they get out here is better than anything I got at Sandhurst. I mean bally good stuff.”

The prince, third in line to the British throne, said he had had one of those typical grandson-grandmother chats, where the grandson is sent off on a luxury holiday at the expense of the taxpayer to wave at all the darkies and tell them how super it was to be able to come over and patronise them.

“Grandmother was all like: ‘Go and big me up, would you, Harry?’ and i was like: ‘Yers ma’am; righto!’ Triffic stuff.”

Buck house has yet to issue a response to the Prince’s – aha – trip, but has had to make a formal apology for the fact that Harry kept referring to “thrashing that coloured fellow Insane Bolt in a rally good race; bigging up the white man, yers? Too many blackies winning medals and getting up themselves.”

Princeologist, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the University of the Slough branch of H. Samuels, said “This prince is not afraid to go out there in public and get utterly wrecked. And I think this is fundamentally a good thing. Something we can all celebrate.

“Those who enjoy bending at the knee can revel in the fantastic way he rubs their faces in his faeces, doing stuff you or I would get incarcerated for. And those who seethe jealously at the unfairness of the world and want to see the toffs taken down a peg or two can scream at their TVs ‘This is why we should get rid of them! Can’t you see?!’ 

“So it is cathartic for the whole country.”

But Rick Head, an unemployed gigolo from Norwich, said “Personally I can’t understand any of this jubilee stuff. Do I get sent overseas on a jolly…?”

After a moment’s silence he said “No, I wasn’t being rhetorical, I was wondering if I could have one too, please?”

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