Pearce available for odd jobs

by articulatedsheep

Ashen-faced England supremo Stuart Pearce has announced that, if the FA aren’t interested in taking him on as manager following the European Championships this summer, he would be more than happy to rewire Wembley Stadium or replace the dodgy boiler at the FA’s headquarters.

Cheer up, it might never happen

“My Gas Safe certification came through last week,” said a diffident Pearce, “so, you know, if they need me to get in there, happy to do it. I mean, I’d like to do it, but it’s up to them, ultimately.”

Pearce, who has reportedly been “hanging around” the FA since he retired from professional football as a player some years ago, has been given repeated things by FA bosses to keep him busy in the meantime, such as driving the team coach, acting as a groundskeeper’s assistant at Wembley and managing England’s U21 squad.

“To be honest, it’s a bit awkward.” said one FA source, who agreed to remain anonymous so long as we didn’t reveal that he was David Bernstein. “Every time a vacancy crops up in the organisation, ten minutes later Stuart shuffles into my office, and just sits down in front of me, chewing gum and with a hangdog expression on his face. Then it all starts with, ‘You know David, I don’t think I’ve got the experience at this stage to take on the job of catering manager, or cleaner of the ladies’ bogs, or the man who raises and lowers the Union flag on the top of the building every morning and evening, but I’m happy to take a shot at it until you can find somebody with the level of experience you need.’”

“I’m not even sure that we pay him.” continued a perplexed Bernstein.

England’s mixed performance against Holland last night, in which the team conceded a goal immediately after having scored at the other end (known in footballing circles as ‘doing an Oxford United’) had created some concern that Pearce would be gently eased out prior to the Euros and replaced by a permanent new manager, but the FA’s general uselessness at being able to conduct a basic recruitment process for anything, coupled with the fact that Pearce now appears to be the only person in possession of a set of keys for the Wembley home dressing room, seems to suggest that he is safe for at least the next few months.

Pundits have been divided on Pearce’s performance so far. “Obviously, is too early to say,” said Jose Mourinho, taking a break from advertising dubious investment products. “But, you know, Pearce, he wears suit pitchside when watching matches, not like Capello, in tracksuit. So, you know, is good.”


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