Archive for March 1st, 2012

March 1, 2012

Pearce available for odd jobs

by articulatedsheep

Ashen-faced England supremo Stuart Pearce has announced that, if the FA aren’t interested in taking him on as manager following the European Championships this summer, he would be more than happy to rewire Wembley Stadium or replace the dodgy boiler at the FA’s headquarters.

Cheer up, it might never happen

“My Gas Safe certification came through last week,” said a diffident Pearce, “so, you know, if they need me to get in there, happy to do it. I mean, I’d like to do it, but it’s up to them, ultimately.”

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March 1, 2012

Shapps: “I am an egregious twat”

by articulatedsheep

Grant Shapps used an appearance on this morning’s Today programme to remind the nation that he is an odious, egregious wanker with no concept of even the most basic principles of morality.

Announcing that the Government’s localism policy was in fact the exact feeble tissue of dissembling falsehood that everyone thought, Shapps used his appearance to explain a number of other ways in which every local authority in the country was now his bitch.

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March 1, 2012

World ‘oh, what dyou call it? Made of paper, with all writing on it…?’ Day

by philapilus
Engraving of an Erudite Researcher

Christ alone knows what this guy is doing...

Today, all across the world, people will either be trying to remember what it was like when they had books, or – in the greater majority of cases -wondering what it would be like to be able to afford them.

As the world officially celebrates the fact that stuff gets written down, and that some of it isn’t complete balls about wizards or join-the-dot hidden codes in paintings, everyone you know will pretend that they read books regularly.

Adjectives like ‘voracious’, ‘passionate’, and ‘avid’ will be used by people to describe their reading habits, even though it is about five years since they last gave up on trying to get through the Hobbit, and have read nothing longer than the back of a cereal packet since then.

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