More experts enter Falklands fray

by philapilus

Following the intervention of actor-turned International Relations expert Sean Penn, celebrity and self-styled ‘Better-than-Beethoven’ musician, Roger Waters, has also weighed in with his fantastically well-informed views on the Falklands debate.

The ex-bassist for Pink Floyd, a band famously typified by drug-use, insanity and self-absorption, Roger Waters is clearly extremely well-qualified to comment on issues of sovereignty and post-colonial relations and peace-keeping.

Not only did he write ‘The Wall’ (you know, Floyd’s fourteen hour long whinge, the lyrics of which make ‘Ummagumma’ sound like fucking Shakespeare), but reportedly  he also nearly managed to destroy the band with his acrimonious and egomaniacal power-mongering.

Adolescent sentiment and dictatorial personality aside, Waters is also looking more and more like an even uglier Richard Gere.

“All of which makes him the perfect spokesman for the Argentinians, as far as we are concerned,” said Sir Arthur Theremin, Minister for Annoying Argentina. “Given the somewhat dubious moral position we are in with regards to las Malvi- sorry, sorry, what am I saying? With regards to the Falkland Islands, what we really need is for Argentina to base its own equally dubious argument on the witterings of aging celebrities.

“The way things are going, their next salvo will be to present the UN with evidence saying that lunatic has-beens Michael Jackson and Jimmy Saville were both working on treatises arguing for the return of the territories to Argentina before they died.”

“And then we’re home-free.”

Argentinean Foreign Minister, Evita Maradonna, said “We feel we are making our case exceptionally well. The President had a good long look at an American documentary about Kim Jong-il, and how he brought world-opinion around to his side by enlisting egotistical shit-brained celebrities as spokespeople.”

She looked uneasy for a moment and continued “Weirdly it was all done with puppets, and there was some confusing story about a group of violent homosexuals living in a mountain, but we figured, ‘hey, it’s America’. We didn’t bother watching the end, as the President has a morbid fear of puppets. But anyway, that’s our plan.

“Our next move will be to have Tim Robbins come out and call for a savage nuclear strike against Britain by the US. We cannot lose.”

Roger Waters – who seems still to believe he is Pink Floyd – has been flying around the world playing to packed stadiums of people who, unbeknownst to him, are paid to attend his awful concerts, but has taken some time out to dabble in politics.

“His next move,” said Waters’ agent, Luke ‘The Sponge’ Golddig, “will be to tell South Africa to bring back Apartheid and re-imprison Nelson Mandela.

“After that we are going to restage the Live Aid concert. Only this time, halfway through, Waters will burst onto the stage, release  an inflatable armadillo into the sky, and then shoot Geldoff in the leg, following which he will read out a long and incoherent list of reasons for keeping the current distribution of wealth intact, citing laziness and irresponsibility amongst the starving.”

“It will be excellent.”

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