Shock as people paid to fight have a fight

by philapilus
 
English: Fight

this has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with violence

The Uk has once again managed to fill the headlines of its godawful newspapers with phrases like “British brutes brawl (a)broad” and “Brit bruiser-boys behave badly” or even “Boxing brats’ break-out battle; backhanded blows beggar belief — both banned by boxing board berhaps?”

Mild-mannered David Haye, and the perfectly gentlemanlike Dereck Chisora, inexplicably had some sort of disagreement at a Press Conference.

The two very large, aggressive men – both trained to hit people and encouraged to think this is a very good thing – seem to have felt that their differences could only be reconciled with violence. A surprising outcome there, and no mistake!

After the fracas, both men stood around waiting for cheers, a large wadge of cash and for some sort of expensive belt to be awarded to one of them. When this was not forthcoming, they became confused and angry, and began to ask the crowd of journalists for spare change.

Boxologist Mike Ock, of the Boxology department of Slough Sewage Treatment Plant University, said “Why are you asking me about boxing? You really don’t know what boxology is, do you?”

Boxing promoter Len Pugman said “This is the sort of thing that gives the sport a bad name, when two people paid to fight get into a fight. 

“What they definitely haven’t done is intentionally created a massive media storm, guaranteeing that if they do have a professional fight people will be more interested in it than usual. This has nothing to do with that whatsoever.

“But if it happens I can probably get you some tickets, for a little sweetener?”

The Daily Mail, paragon of virtue and good reporting, appears to feel that the whole event was so epic a tale as to deserve immortalisation as some sort of tragic play on the Euripedean model. The paper published the enormously interesting transcript of the entire event online, and it is currently being pored over by Kenneth Brannah and Tom Stoppard.

Jeremy Cunt, the Hulture and Sport Secretary said “These two men should face a lifelong ban for their actions. We need to set an example; violence is absolutely not an appropriate option.

“I think that for boxers, trainers, associated industry persons, fans and the television audience of boxing, there is absolutely no blurring whatsoever of the clear separating line between the enjoyment of watching a professional sportsmanlike game, and the sordid pleasure of watching two humans try to destroy one another physically.”

An aide rushed in and whispered hurriedly into the Hulture Secretary’s ear. Mr Cunt turned pale with shock then said “And I have just been informed that one of the men threatened the other. This is appalling. So much worse than trying to pummel him into an unconscious or even vegetative state. Unforgivable.”

Ex-heavyweight champion, Gok Wan, is said to be trying to forge reconciliation, and searching for a peacable solution to the animosity and bad blood, looking for a non-violent way to bring the two men into a loving, harmonious accord.

“My plan,” said Mr Wan, “is to get both sides to come forward and have a fight to sort it all out, in an arena, getting paid a huge amount of money. Then we can put an end to this rivalry and violence.”

He looked confused for a moment then said “You know when you have those weird dreams that you’re sort of aware are happening, but actually you can’t get out of them? Those dreams where you are suddenly inexplicably doing something you don’t normally do? I have this really bizarre feeling…”

But before he could finish his sentence he was brutally attacked by heavyweight contender Susannah Constantine (of Trinny and Susannah fame), and the two fell into a grappling, whirling ball of violence. 

Christ on a bike, it makes you weep.

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