Apocalypse update: Murdoch visit spells doom for Sun newspaper

by philapilus
 
The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed in Sun

Apparently the overrated, godawful artist who painted this knew what he was talking about after all...

The ongoing apocalypse seems to be ticking along nicely and going according to schedule, with the timely appearance of the prophesied “Foul Beast descending from the Sky, which will tear apart the Sun; lo, and with its wretched bile and falsehoods will harvest the souls of its followers.”

Rupert Murdoch flew in to the UK last night, and today will pay a friendly, morale-boosting visit to the headquarters of the Sun newspaper.

The newspaper’s staff initially rent their clothes asunder, spread ash upon their foreheads, and cried out in vain, but have now resigned themselves to the inevitability of being “torn asunder in the gnashing maw of the beast. Verily; devoured by its hunger and swallowed will they be, and within its vile belly will they cry in torment, then shall they be excreted as small screaming dungballs, much like unto the droppings of an rabbit.”

The Second and Supplementary Book of Revelation – said to have been written by John the Revelator when he was even more off his tits than usual – has been bang on the money so far, with all its predictions coming to pass.

Professor McEyebrau, head of the Slough Venereal Disease Clinic’s department of theology, said “I really don’t understand why these journalists are making such a fuss, and saying they are being betrayed. It says in the Bible, quite clearly, that the followers of the foul and evil beast from the underworld would be turned upon and destroyed by their master.

“They took jobs writing drivel for a media-mogul from Australia. What did they fucking expect?”

With the continuing collapse of pretty much everything, notable apocalyptic signs of the last few weeks include; more delays than normal for commuters, higher alcohol prices, Nick Clegg, more cases of heatstroke than you’d expect for the time of year, the Royal Family revealing themselves to be Worshippers of Mammon, and – obviously – the entirety of the BBC television schedule.

One prophesied and cataclysmic event likely to take place over the next few hours is “The opening of the gates of Hull, and the pouring-forth of the maniacal, filthy residents thereof, spreading across the rest of the land like a plague.”

Alan Johnson, MP for the area, has confirmed that he remains powerless to prevent this, and warns that it is only a matter of time.

Professor McEyebrau – who, like most religious people, has spent the last three weeks wearing a t-shirt with ‘SMUG’ written on it in big letters – pointed out that the Book is so accurate, and so highly detailed in its predictions, that there is even a direct personal reference to Oliver Letwin:

“Yea, and in that awful time an oleaginous small phallus will speak unto the people saying ‘told you so’, and the people will retort that he shouldst fornicate away and expire.'”

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