The Lib Dems: we don’t need your shitty votes

by unpseudable

Haven’t you got something better to do in your sad life? I suggest you get a life.

With the Lib Dems increasingly weakened in the polls, and with potential for crushing losses at the next general election, Sir Bob Russell MP elaborated on his party’s new strategy.

“Basically, it’s to piss everyone off.  As much as possible.  For far too long we’ve been seen as the ‘nice’ party.  Well, we proved you wrong there, didn’t we?  It’s time we turned up the heat, and really started showing how nasty we can be.”

To this end Sir Bob Russell MP, who having been knighted is now a ‘Sir’, has been playing his part.  In response to a constituent’s query about why he signed Early Day Motion 2612, which calls for a new royal yacht for the Queen, Sir Bob took his party line.  “Are you serious? Don’t you have more important things in your life to be worried about without bothering me with this?” He wittily replied.

In his letter, Sir Bob went on to explain: “If you had [read the Motion] you would have seen that I am one of the sponsors.  Thus I was one of those who was behind it being Tabled in the first place.”  The word “thus” is cleverly chosen here to make it sound like Sir Bob knows what he’s talking about.  But of course this is all part of the new Lib Dem policy.  Only one MP is required for an EDM to be tabled – a further five can co-sponsor it, but it doesn’t thusly mean that they had any influence in the tabling.

Nick Clegg welcomed Sir Bob’s contribution to the effort.  “Well, obviously I’m proud to number Sir Bob as one of the people who knows me.  He’s a trailblazer in the effort to take the piss out of the electorate.  Well done.  Oh, and you’re all complete and utter tits.  And bottoms.  Thanks.”

Long before it became policy Sir Bob sent a similar letter to another constituent concerned about the upcoming royal wedding, and whether public funds would be used.  “Haven’t you got something better to do in your sad life? Bit of a spoilsport, aren’t you!?” He wrote. “What a miserable person you must be!” And, signing off, “I suggest you get a life and stop whinging!”

Sir Bob was quick to issue a statement. “What is the fucking problem? Complain, complain, complain – that’s all I get from you pricks.  Now, why don’t you just fuck off and leave me to vent my spleen at my idiot constituents in the way I see fit.  You’re there all the time, going ‘ooh no, you can’t say that.’ Well nobody gives a shit what you think, you’re not a fucking sir, are you? Not like me: I’m a shitting knight. Listen, they’re my fucking constituents and I can treat them how I bleeding well like,” wasn’t it.


TMB political factfile:  An Early Day Motion, or ‘EDM’, is a definitely not even remotely pointless document which allows one or more Member of Parliament to express their thoughts and beliefs about things. Other Members can then sign them if they agree with the sentiment of that particular Motion.  But if Daniel Kawczynksi tabled it then almost nobody will.  Some of the most definitely not even remotely pointless subjects in recent years have been the death of celebrity chef Rick Stein’s dog, John Sergeant’s departure from Strictly Come Dancing, and Early Day Motions.

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