Meaningless gesture solves problem

by articulatedsheep

Experts have declared that the annulment of Fred Goodwin’s knighthood means that the global economy has been put back on the path to certain, permanent recovery.

The move – widely praised by the markets – has resulted in united praise for tough, no-nonsense David Cameron, further confirming his reputation as the kind of man who takes the political road less travelled rather than the easy, populist option.

Apparently it is extremely satirical, clever and amusing to call him "Gideon"

Reacting to the news, the FTSE index of 100 leading shares rose by almost 57%, with the Dow rising a more modest, but still impressive, 34%.

Major financial institutions took the opportunity to announce that they had now seen the error of their ways, and were prepared to pay back every penny of the billions of pounds they have borrowed from our government by next Friday “at the very latest”.

“I think that we can all agree,” said an extremely moist Ed Miliband, “that this tough action was exactly what was required. Let’s not forget – this whole mess was caused by Fred “The Shred” and his cabal of evil, greedy bankers. It certainly wasn’t anything to do with successive Governments, starting in the 80s, rolling over onto their backs for the City and creating regulatory regimes that were woefully unfit for purpose.”

“And it certainly wasn’t anything to do with the idiotic and essentially unworkable ‘tripartite’ system of financial regulation set up by Gordon Brown in 1997 which – lest we forget – was co-designed and implemented by none other than my good friend the shadow chancellor, Ed Balls.”

Reaction amongst Britain’s bankers has been swift and contrite. “Good heavens!” said one prominent fund manager, drinking from a jeroboam of champagne while he stuffed handfuls of uncut diamonds into a stripper’s thong. “This, as they say, has got us bang to rights. We certainly won’t do anything wrong in the future if there’s a risk we might get our titles taken away. I mean that’s obviously worse than twenty years in prison or being hounded out of the country by an angry mob with flaming torches, as would happen if we lived in a sane world.”

Fred Goodwin himself is understood to have disappeared into a puff of foul-smelling smoke on hearing the news, while emitting an unholy shriek of despair.

Lord Archer, meanwhile, is keeping very, very quiet.

Asked to comment on these developments, chancellor, self-made man and all-round bon viveur George Osborne said, “Look, I should… what was that? On my nose? No, it’s snow. Snow. I’ve just come back from Davos. I was ski-ing. Look, it’s snow, alright?”

%d bloggers like this: