Problems with your melons?

by philapilus
English: Chest X-ray showing bilateral breast ...

Today the brilliant website of the Daily Mail has once again raked over the story of how French-produced breast implants are dangerous and prone to fail, in an article which it has tastefully bordered with about 300,000 photographs of celebrities’ cleavages.

The “continually emerging” story of how a French manufacturer of silicone breast implants has been using low-grade material with a higher risk of bursting, has got everyone up and down the country thinking about tits this morning – even more than usual. It is definitely not just an excuse to write about breasts over and over and over.

The impact on the country at large has been as enormous as a great heaving pair of bosoms under a wet t-shirt. Some women have been nervously holding their milk bags, and wondering what ruptured silicone feels like through a layer of human flesh, whilst men have been getting incredibly excited by how many times the word ‘breast’ is appearing in an article they can legitimately read at work.

The company behind the scandal, Poly Implant Prothèse, has produced titty-bigifiers, some of which have ended up in the fine Bristols and augmented mammaries of British women. Many of these women plan to go to court, where they will probably sit and complain for a bit, perhaps wearing something low-cut to show off their firm, rounded big’uns. With maybe a pendant, or long necklace that drops gently between the rising curves of their splendid bazookas.

Asked to comment, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley fired an air pistol at reporters outside his home this morning, shouting “Fuck off, it’s Sunday!” a calendar error which an aide described as “stemming from the world’s biggest bender last night. Holy fuck, you should have seen him putting it away.”

Other Members of Parliament took a keener interest however. “I think we need to take this seriously; I think what we really need are photographs of the affected chests,” said randy Liberal Democrat, Mike Hancock, “and lots of photographs of other boobs to compare them to as well. Basically I am calling for a large, comprehensive database project, providing me with images of all the excellent large boobs in the country; those with, and those without, implants. But I don’t want any mingers in there. Just nice big titties, preferably on women under thirty. Or over sixty-five: mmmmmmmmmmm.”

A spokesman for the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency, the MHRA said “It seems likely that the soft silicone implants may have links to higher rates of cancer, and the rupturing can cause agonising pain. But the fundamental thing is – oh what the hell, no one is even paying attention: boobs boobs boobs boobs and boobs. Happy?”

Mike Hancock joined a group of MPs and concerned citizens (yeah, you know the ones) in signing a petition calling for the Government to force Poly Implant Prothèse to meet any medical costs arising from faulty implants. He became increasingly concerned as it was explained to him that, for many women, removal of the implants might be a necessity.

“But like, they’ll still have big boobies, right?” he said, his poor little bottom lip quivering.

Interesting facts about implants:

Churchill was the first Prime Minister to have breast implants

Mother Theresa prayed every day for a bigger pair of breasts and broke down in tears when an anonymous donor paid for her to receive implants

Scooby Doo was originally drawn with massive breasts, which were removed in the (never-screened) pilot episode; in the (also never-screened) final episode he had implants put in to replace them

Dawn French had breast implants put into her buttocks because “it just feels right”

Prince Andrew sleeps on a bed made of breast implants

Christopher Hitchens once donated a large sum so that a famous woman (who he refused to name) would be able to have breast implants.

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