May 31, 2018

Global catastrophe imminent as someone signs something

by unpseudable
zombies

Inevitable

The zombie apocalypse clock moved yet another minute closer to midnight this week as the US ‘president’ signed a bill to allow terminally ill patients to try experimental drugs.

The move by the bloated imbecile brought hope to the terminally ill and doomsday preppers alike.

“Having been brought up on a steady diet of disaster movies I know just what this means,” responded survivalist and film critic Larry Gorman. “I mean, haven’t they even seen I Am Legend? It had Will Smith in it for fuck’s sake. This is going to be awesome.”

Critic of the move, Prudence Sober, said Continue reading

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April 25, 2018

Macron pretends not to notice tyreswings and smell of faeces in White House

by philapilus

 

“No need to be afraid, that’s just the sun! See? The sun. SUN. Can you say sun? Nearly! Good try!”

President Macron has made a valiant effort to avoid embarrassing the American people by pretending not to have noticed that the current White House squatter is a shrieking baboon.

 

At a news conference today the French president stoically acted the part of a man doing politics with another world leader – rather than that of horrified witness to the rank den which the violently aggressive primate has made inside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Macron said “We have been having Continue reading

March 25, 2018

TMB EXCLUSIVE: Leaked memo following John Bolton’s appointment in the Trump administration

by articulatedsheep

With news having emerged in the last week that charmingly-described “ultra-hawk” John Bolton is to be appointed as President Trump’s National Security Adviser, TMB reveals this incredibly – and in no way made-up – memo from senior Department of Defense individuals revealing the likely interventions that Bolton is likely to make as he pursues his long held belief that the USA should indiscriminately attack any and all other countries.

Continue reading

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March 22, 2018

Putin wins 2024 presidential election

by philapilus

“Do something about it then…”

Russian premier Vladimir Putin was celebrating today after achieving victory in the next (and as yet unstarted) presidential election cycle.

Putin’s win has been described as “decisive” and “conclusive”, with a record-breaking 103% of the vote, according to the Continue reading

February 6, 2018

Donald Trump stoically shoulders blame for stock market turbulence

by philapilus
Image result for donald trump

Trump arriving on his space hopper

In a typical display of great statesmanship, Donald Trump has told America that he will personally accept all responsibility for the huge losses the US stock market has seen over the last two days.

Trump said “Remember when stocks were riding high and the economy was doing really Continue reading

January 27, 2018

TMB’s guide to the Tory leadership election

by articulatedsheep

We now know that definitely – definitely! – Theresa May is about to be subject to an imminent challenge to her leadership. Quite apart from anything else it would be ridiculous – ridiculous! – if she were to stumble on, hopelessly, messily, chaotically, for another four and a half horrifically drawn out years.

Obviously, that would be absurd. She is about to be subjected to a leadership challenge. Let’s believe that, for a few beautiful hours. Let’s not sully that hope. Please.

So, what does the leadership process involve? Like all the finest traditions of the British Constitution, it hinges on a committee chaired by a man called Graham who no-one has heard of. The 1922 Committee of backbench Tory MPs – so-called, because it is the year to which the majority of Tories yearn to return – plays a pivotal role. MPs wishing to challenge May’s leadership can do so by submitting a letter to the Committee’s Chair (who are we kidding – Chairman). But what happens then?

Here are the key principles.

1) 48 MPs must deposit letters (anonymously) with Graham Brady MP, Chair of the 1922 Committee, to automatically trigger a leadership contest;
2) MPs can “withdraw” their letter at any time *unless* Brady shouts “NO TAKEBACKS!” at the precise point when the letter is originally handed to him;
3) The deposited letter is null and void if MP in question is crossing their fingers behind their back while giving the letter to Brady;
4) Letters must be written on vellum and in classical Greek;
5) Brady can at any time “dare” an MP to rescind their anonymity, which will give the MP in question the option of “double dare”ing Brady himself to reveal the identity of another letter writer. Brady can accept the double dare (thereby commencing the “dare” process with that other MP) or submit to a “physical challenge” specified by the original MP. This can lead to an unstoppable cascade of dares and double dares, which last happened in the 1990 leadership contest which led to Margaret Thatcher’s departure;
6) The letter can be accompanied by a freehand drawing of the person the writer most wants to be Tory leader. If so the letter counts double, but if the drawing is deemed by Brady to be worse than one he could draw himself, the letter will only count half;
7) Proceedings can be immediately and unexpectedly terminated if Sir Christopher Chope MP shouts “NO!” in a very loud voice, at which point Brady must declare that the entire process up until that point has been a dream.

 

 

January 26, 2018

David Davis’s Brexit Update

by philapilus

 

Hi everyone!

 

It’s David Davis here, back with some great news about the Brexit plans!

Now, I know some of you will have been confused by Philip Hammond’s recent comments, about how our relationship with Europe will be more or less the same – but let me assure all those of you who so rightly  voted Leave that this is NOT the case!

I have made sure Michel Barnier is Continue reading

January 22, 2018

Farage considering donning the Nigelsuit one last time

by philapilus

“Quick! Hold him down and inject the sedatives straight into his neck!”

Nigel Farage has reopened the Faragecave, and is dusting off the Nigelsuit, according to sources close to the UKIP MEP.

UKIP went into a nosedive this morning, after leader Henry Bolton’s refusal to resign over texts his horrible racist ex sent, leading party stalwart Neil Hamilton to fire up the Nigelsymbol from atop a Wetherspoons pub.

Although the Continue reading

January 18, 2018

£44m for Calais ‘fair and reasonable’ says Daily Mail

by philapilus

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden” was the headline the Mail ran with

The Daily Mail has expressed its support for the UK’s decision to accept more migrants from Calais and give the city £44m to beef up border controls.

In a comment-piece this morning, usually cantankerous thought-spewer Richard Littlejohn said “This seems eminently fair. Why shouldn’t we help those wanting to benefit from being a part of our country, when they Continue reading

January 17, 2018

Hunt ‘delighted’ nurses leaving NHS as social care numbers will increase

by philapilus

‘Hunt’ has now replaced the c-word as a term of abuse, and ‘you total Hunt’ is second only in its offensiveness to calling someone a ‘massive Gove’

Jeremy Hunt has said that he is “absolutely thrilled” that nurses are leaving the NHS in record numbers, as it means “that more and more unemployed, depressed ex-nurses will have to rely on social care.”

Hunt’s new brief, after Theresa May’s cabinet reshuffle, was expanded to include Social Care, and it is understood from sources in government that “Mr Hunt had grown bored of destroying the NHS and Continue reading