July 19, 2016

Trump’s wife made ‘covert attempt to derail husband’s campaign’

by philapilus

May contain plastic

Melania Trump has admitted that she did not plagiarise Michelle Obama, but was rather “in agreement with her about Barack.”

Mrs Trump said “When I repeated her comments about President Obama, I was actually trying to subliminally remind everyone that Michelle has a sane, competent, and actually even occasionally  inspirational spouse.

“I have Donald.”

She went on to Continue reading

July 19, 2016

Kelvin MacKenzie calls for topless reporters

by philapilus

Standing up for women and their empowerment, bless their little cotton socks

Sun journalist Kelvin Mackenzie has defended his criticism of a Hijab-wearing reporter on Channel 4, explaining “I’m not against the hijab per se, but against the wearing of any clothes other than a thong.

“Unless it’s a man. No men wearing thongs please. Just women, bouncing their Continue reading

July 13, 2016

Cameron visits palace for official resignation

by philapilus

“Doo doodoo …that’s what you’re all in now!”

David Cameron will go to Buckingham Palace this afternoon to accept the Queen’s official resignation, before travelling back to Westminster where he will crown Theresa May.

May, who has become Prime Minister despite not having been voted in by her party, let alone won a majority in a general election, announced she will also take the title of Queen at David Cameron’s last cabinet meeting.

A source close to the new PM said “Theresa stood up, pushed Dave out of his chair, and said ‘Right Continue reading

July 11, 2016

Theresa May to quit leadership race

by philapilus

Arcane 1922 Committee rules mean that after May’s withdrawal the Tory leadership will pass automatically to the corpse of Benjamin Disraeli.

Theresa May is expected to withdraw her bid to become leader of the Tory party this afternoon during a Whitehall press conference.

After Andrea Leadsom quit the race this morning (leaving May as the sole candidate) there were murmurings from the Home Secretary’s camp that Theresa recognised she had been out-manoeuvred.

The probability that she will concede defeat this afternoon was all but certain by lunchtime, as Continue reading

July 7, 2016

Chilcott to head inquiry into moon

by philapilus

When you need something explained, even though it’s obvious, who you gonna call? JOHN CHIL-COTT! Dada-da duhdada…

In the wake of his report on the Iraq war Sir John Chilcott has been asked to chair another inquiry – into whether or not there is a moon.

According to the guidelines laid down for the inquiry, Chilcott has been asked to spend the next year producing a 300 page report.

He will, however, be Continue reading

July 1, 2016

“Now it’s just getting sad” say Tories

by philapilus
File:Loser sign croped.jpg

L is for Labour

The Conservative party said today that Labour was now so impotent that beating them wasn’t even fun anymore.

George Osborne said “We’ve done everything we can to lure them back into the fray. Cameron resigned, Gove stabbed Boris in the back, the Theresa May killbot has been unleashed, and today, just for Continue reading

June 30, 2016

Breaking News: Boris’s mum sends note excusing him from PM duties

by philapilus
johnson sicknote

Not suspicious at all

Boris Johnson’s mum has confirmed that sadly he will not be standing to be the next prime minister, and has sent a note asking that he be excused from all EU referendum fallout.

Johnson – who went very, very quiet after last week’s vote – has said that this is definitely nothing to Continue reading

June 29, 2016

UK doesn’t remember Turkey

by philapilus

Drawing a blank

The United Kingdom said this morning that it can’t quite remember Turkey, asking whether it was perhaps in South America.

After news broke that a city in Turkey had suffered a huge terrorist attack, with scores of people dead, Britain collectively mouthed the country’s name, whilst shaking its head in puzzlement.

Man on the street Geoff Shovel said “Turkey…Turk-ey…? Nope, nope not really ringing any bells. Are you Continue reading

June 28, 2016

Corbyn blamed for Engxit

by unpseudable
jeremy_corbyn_global_justice_now

That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely

Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.

‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.

‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing, Continue reading

June 28, 2016

Hodgson resigns from shadow cabinet

by philapilus

has had enough of Corbyn

Roy Hodgson has resigned from the shadow cabinet following the England football  team’s drubbing at the hands of a country with less people in it than Shropshire.

After England pulled out of Euro 2016 due to being comprehensively beaten, Hodgson said he “no longer had faith in Jeremy Corbyn, and I will no longer serve in Continue reading

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