January 15, 2018

Trump proves he isn’t a racist by saying that he isn’t

by philapilus

“Does this face look racist? Let me tell you, this face is not racist, this is not a racist face. I wouldn’t lie, trust me. How could I be lying – I’m white!”

Orange sociopath Donald Trump has silenced critics and proved his non-racist credentials once and for all, after explaining to reporters that whatever he says is absolutely fine as long as he tells you it is.

The White House squatter was under fire for allegedly referring to poorer countries as ‘shitholes’ during a meeting with senior republicans and democrats, but the Trump camp claims such fake news has now successfully been dispelled by “the expert and statesmanlike subsequent emission of flatulence from Donald’s mouth.”

Using his preferred Continue reading

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January 15, 2018

Capsizing of Carillion is clinching argument for privatisation, say tories

by philapilus

HS2 will definitely still be awesome, according to No. 10 

Theresa May’s cabinet have roundly applauded the vindication of the capitalist system, after an enormous private firm supposed to manage billions of pounds worth of government contracts collapsed.

The compulsory liquidation of Carillon in the early hours of this morning – threatening the completion of massive government projects as well as tens of thousands of jobs – has been hailed as Continue reading

December 13, 2017

Alabama slightly prefers Democrat to paedophile

by philapilus
File:Doug Jones Trees.jpg

Neither a paedophile nor a bigot, Jones won for reasons the Republicans cannot fathom

The State of Alabama has grudgingly accepted that it would on the whole probably be better if they were represented in the United States Senate by a Democrat rather than an alleged multiple sex offender and paedophile.

Democrat candidate Doug Jones beat notoriously bigoted ex-judge Roy Moore in a close race, which nevertheless proved that even the Continue reading

November 13, 2017

Gove ‘backs Boris’ as easier to get knife in from behind

by philapilus
180px-official_portrait_of_michael_gove_crop_2

“I’ve just run over some children!”

Michael Gove has said that he is “getting behind the foreign secretary 100%” as “it will give me a much clearer target when I drive my wraith-knife between his shoulderblades”.

Gove, who won the coveted Oleaginous Little Shit of the Year award in 2016, made the comments on Andrew Marr’s self-important show.

Marr, seated upon a sofa shaped like a cloud, and Continue reading

October 18, 2017

Grayling: The future is Brussels…sprouts

by philapilus

Turnip

Chris Grayling has expanded on comments he made at the weekend when he explained that if foreign food prices increase dramatically post-Brexit “everyone can just eat more British produce”.

Pictured holding a turnip, Grayling said today “If we walk away from Europe with a ‘No Deal’ situation it honestly won’t be a problem.

“If imported Continue reading

September 7, 2017

Shock as stupid country realises Rees-Mogg is a reactionary tw*t

by philapilus
File:Hon Jacob Rees-Mogg MP.jpg

Rees-Mogg sat very still for half an hour before being informed that photography has moved past glass plate technology

Mind-numbingly stupid Britons were overwhelmed with shock and surprise yesterday to learn that tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg holds some reactionary views.

Rees-Mogg, who pants-wetting young tory fanboys hope to be the next leader of the Conservative party appeared on ITV’s dreadful This Morning programme and said some Continue reading

August 24, 2017

Sun “in daily trauma” after being exposed to Trump’s gaze

by philapilus
Sunset, Sun, Nature, Sky, Orange, Rays

Too scared to come out anymore

The star at the centre of the solar system has revealed that it has been “suffering constant nausea and anxiety” since Donald Trump wilfully stared at it during last week’s solar eclipse.

The mad old racist of Pennsylvania Avenue ignored Continue reading

August 16, 2017

Trump’s u-turn on earlier u-turn leaves him with head lodged in rectum

by philapilus
File:Donald Trump Signs The Pledge 11 crop.jpg

A grateful world revels in temporarily not having to look at this face

Donald Trump’s political gyrations have caused his own massive unsightly head to become lodged in his rectal passage, the White House has confirmed.

The rambling old man came under fire for failing to condemn Nazis and white supremacists during the riots in Charlottesville at the weekend, insisting that many sides were Continue reading

August 7, 2017

Australia “designed to kill you” confirm scientists

by philapilus
File:Acacia pycnantha Golden Wattle.jpg

The lovely golden wattle is the floral emblem of Australia, and spits a burning acid at passersby that has been described as ‘worse than napalm’ 

Biologists agreed this morning that Australia’s entire ecosystem has evolved to destroy any human who dares set foot there.

Confirmation came after a Melbourne teenager went for a dip in the sea on Saturday and came out with profusely bleeding legs, after being Continue reading

July 31, 2017

C4 Diana doc: Middle England equally desperate to watch and vent outrage at broadcast

by philapilus
File:Princess Diana Cannes.jpg

“It DISGUSTS me that other people want to know the kind of squalid details about her life that I would chew my own leg off to discover.”

The sizeable proportion of the British public that buys the Daily Express has announced that it simply cannot wait to watch Channel 4’s ‘Diana: In Her Own Words’ so that it can subsequently eviscerate the station for showing it.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who has spent the last twenty years making thousands of pictures of the late princess out of dried lentils, said “I will probably be Continue reading