November 27, 2016
Oh el Comandante! Sad, saddest of days that he should be taken from us! The tears that I weep know no stoppage, except to write this, for – great man that I am – I shall lay aside my personal grief to bestow upon you my memories of Fidel.
When Castro and I met I could tell at once that the tall, handsome, romantic, revolutionary figure I cut impressed him greatly. He could barely bring himself to look at me, feigning indifference to hide his jealousy.
It’s not all about me
My powerfully sexual presence naturally would Continue reading
November 25, 2016
Ex prime minister Tony Blair has ordered himself a brand new suit of shining armour, which he will wear whilst saving Britain from itself over the next few months.
Blair said today “I am here for you my children, here as your saviour once more. Here to lead you from the benighted valleys of Brexit and tory government back into the heavenly joys of New New Labour.
“I won’t be going back into the frontline of politics because frankly the pay is peanuts, but I will be saving the politically homeless (not to be confused with the real homeless, who are scuzzy and smelly and poor) from Continue reading
November 23, 2016
We never really thought we’d actually miss him, but…
Philip Hammond’s first budget statement raised consternation today, after he was forced to admit that there didn’t seem to be a lot of money about.
The new chancellor addressed the House, saying “Mr Speaker, um, I’m not sure whether this will go down very well, but here goes anyway.
“Look, I really hope no one’s going to give me a ribbing over this, but it seems Continue reading
November 15, 2016
“She got them there white teeth they all got, parbly stoled them someplace, an she only got ten fingers, what kinda woman is that anyhow?!”
A country which this week decided its next president should be an ageing, insane moron has expressed widespread shock after a racist Facebook post went viral.
The plucky but little-known ‘USA’ had just held an election intended to find a leader imbued with the nation’s most quintessential qualities, resulting in victory for bigoted reality TV star and failed businessman, Donald Trump.
But despite being delighted to elect an overt racist as Leader of the Free World, many Americans were shocked when Marylou Nailinthehead, from Hicksville West Virginia, wrote a racist message about Continue reading
November 6, 2016
Quite possibly this will all be worthless anyway, if we end up in the post-money, barter-based economy of Armageddon
Financial advisors have advised people seeking finances to borrow heavily this Tuesday.
Tim Twanks, Financial Advisor at Financial Advice Services, a financial advice company, said “It is our view that Tuesday 8th November 2016 is the very best day to take out an enormous personal loan, using your house or even your children as security.
“Because Continue reading
November 6, 2016
[Edit.note: can’t wait till election finishes and we don’t have to look at this fat bigot’s face anymore]
The world admitted its enormous disappointment today, after it transpired that a protestor at a Trump rally had not brought a gun, let alone managed to get a few well-aimed shots off.
Austin Crites was tackled by security agents for waving a ‘Republicans Against Trump’ placard during the rally in Reno, but was discovered to be unarmed and harmless.
“I’m not saying I could ever sanction the idea of an assassination attempt,” said Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, “But if Crites had Continue reading
November 1, 2016
Loved every snap of gristle and gasp for air
Lord Heseltine has boasted openly about his wilful pleasure in suffocating animals for the first time.
The revelations of his animal cruelty began with a recent admission that he had shot 400 squirrels in his garden – many of which had been specially bussed in and stapled to a wall while he and Douglas Hurd pounded them with a vintage Maxim machine gun.
Heseltine reminisced wistfully on the One Show about the slaughter, “‘Feed me, Dougie, feed me!’ I shouted, as Continue reading
October 27, 2016
Like Tantalus this was dangled before you, only to recede as you reached out for it.
As the last ever BBC series of the Great British Bake Off finished with triumph for Candice, the country was returned to the unadulterated horror that is our daily existence.
Superfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “For a few brief moments each Wednesday evening, I managed to escape the monotony of life in this drab, grey country of tory overlords and Continue reading
October 27, 2016
Like a giant floating phallus
The Russian warships currently en route to flatten Syria have definitively proven how hard the country is, it has been revealed.
Russia’s deployment of a fleet is just the latest in a series of bold antagonistic moves, all of which have combined to make everyone think that Russia is really cool, muscly, and Continue reading
October 19, 2016
Experts confirmed today that the majority of global disasters and crises are directly caused by the rise of the onesie.
Specialists from the Slough School of Catastrophe spent ten years running trillions of computer simulations on disaster-causation, and discovered that the single common denominator is the awful garment.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, who headed up the study, said “The unitary body outfit was invented for Continue reading