September 26, 2016

Corbyn faces new leadership challenge

by philapilus
owen_smith_2013_cropped

Smith called for unity. Moments later his nose grew by more than 17 inches

Jeremy Corbyn has been told by a large majority of Labour mps that he has lost the confidence of his party and must face a leadership challenge. Again.

On Monday morning, and less than 48 hours after beating off challenger Owen Smith to win the leadership of the party democratically for a second time, Corbyn was informed by 75% of labour MPs that he must stand aside or fight a bitter election. Again.

Former challenger Angela Eagle, who is Continue reading

September 18, 2016

Kinnock: Corbyn worst disaster for Labour since me

by philapilus
348px-kinnock_neil

‘What an obnoxious arse Corbyn is – just like me’

Neil Kinnock has warned that if the Labour party re-elects Jeremy Corbyn as leader it will face its biggest crisis since he threw away the 1992 general election.

Speaking to BBC’s Panorama, Lord Kinnock said “Corbyn is not someone who can win a general election, and he will be a disaster for this party.

“And speaking as someone who failed to win a general election and was a disaster for this party, I know what I am talking about.”

Kinnock is Continue reading

September 12, 2016

Gravely ill Clinton “still preferable”

by philapilus
File:Hillary Clinton Testimony to House Select Committee on Benghazi.png

Embalmed and stuffed: but still better

Medical experts said today that even if Hillary Clinton was very ill indeed she would still make a better president than Donald Trump.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Washington school for Overanalysing Presidential Candidate Health, said “We’ve been running multiple computer simulations of how a sick Hillary Clinton might fare in office, ever since it emerged yesterday that she has pneumonia.

“Using complicated algorithms we’ve examined every possibility of every health issue Secretary Clinton could potentially Continue reading

September 7, 2016

Walls are answer to everything, agrees everyone

by philapilus

Is there anything walls can’t do?!

Everybody said this morning that walls are just brilliant, and offer by far the best solution to any problem.

The consensus was reached after the UK announced it would be building a wall to keep migrants away from the main road to the port of Calais to protect haulage lorries from aggressive boarders.

Geoff Shovel, Chief Engineer of the Calais Wall said “Walls are the clear choice for Continue reading

September 1, 2016

Trump to rid US of people within 1 hour

by philapilus

“And you’re going, and you, and you, and you, and you there next to her, and you, and definitely you with the dark face, and you, and…”

Republican candidate Donald Trump has vowed to empty the United States of its entire population within his first sixty minutes as president if he is elected.

The strange-haired, rotund demagogue had earlier in the week visited Mexico, where strangely he failed to do his normal shouty anti-Mexican thing.

Hours later however he was in Arizona thrilling crowds with a speech about his much-publicised border wall with Mexico, and promising to deport Continue reading

September 1, 2016

Cyclist causes gridlock by indicating

by philapilus

This was the last time anyone used the signal for stopping

A cyclist has caused enormous traffic jams throughout central London after making a hand signal before turning left.

The anonymous cyclist raised his left hand and pointed left just before turning left off Aldwych onto Kingsway – the first recorded time the gesture has been used since 1972.

The driver following him was so shocked that he stalled the car, as did the Continue reading

August 25, 2016

Jeremy Corbyn bulldozes own home to make point

by philapilus

“I’m thinking of cutting my nose off to teach my face a lesson. What do you think?”

Jeremy Corbyn has drawn attention to homelessness this morning, by driving a bulldozer straight through his own house.

The move followed his publicity coup in raising awareness of seat-shortage on trains, after he was filmed earlier in the week sitting on the floor of a partially empty train near some free seats.

Standing amidst the ruin and rubble of Continue reading

August 25, 2016

Farage and Trump to go on date

by philapilus

“Look I know you’re not happy about it, but he just…*gets* me, Melania, and that’s all there is to it.”

Nigel Farage and Donald Trump have agreed to go for a pint and maybe a dinner at Pizza Express, after hitting it off earlier in the week.

Farage spoke at a Trump rally, likening the glorious American future under Trump to the glorious British future post-Brexit, highlighting the glorious lack of ethnic minorities and money.

A Trump aide said “As Donald watched Nigel a light came into his eyes, and he began to gently Continue reading

August 22, 2016

Man to get tattoo because he is different

by philapilus

“And I suppose if anyone spotted my new tatts and assumed I was an MMA fighter, that might be quite cool. That’s not why I’m doing it though.”

A Reading man has decided to get a tattoo, because he is so different from everybody else, and will benefit in an as yet unspecified way from being able to demonstrate this visually.

Tim Twanks confirmed his plan this morning, telling co-workers that he had booked in a session at local tattoo parlour ‘Skininking’, to finally get the Japanese dragon on his chest.

“Actually I was quite surprised that there was a place that did tattoos so nearby, what with them being so rare,” said Twanks, “and even more impressed when I went in and they knew what a Japanese dragon looked like without me even Continue reading

August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and Continue reading