October 18, 2017

Grayling: The future is Brussels…sprouts

by philapilus

Turnip

Chris Grayling has expanded on comments he made at the weekend when he explained that if foreign food prices increase dramatically post-Brexit “everyone can just eat more British produce”.

Pictured holding a turnip, Grayling said today “If we walk away from Europe with a ‘No Deal’ situation it honestly won’t be a problem.

“If imported Continue reading

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September 7, 2017

Shock as stupid country realises Rees-Mogg is a reactionary tw*t

by philapilus
File:Hon Jacob Rees-Mogg MP.jpg

Rees-Mogg sat very still for half an hour before being informed that photography has moved past glass plate technology

Mind-numbingly stupid Britons were overwhelmed with shock and surprise yesterday to learn that tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg holds some reactionary views.

Rees-Mogg, who pants-wetting young tory fanboys hope to be the next leader of the Conservative party appeared on ITV’s dreadful This Morning programme and said some Continue reading

August 24, 2017

Sun “in daily trauma” after being exposed to Trump’s gaze

by philapilus
Sunset, Sun, Nature, Sky, Orange, Rays

Too scared to come out anymore

The star at the centre of the solar system has revealed that it has been “suffering constant nausea and anxiety” since Donald Trump wilfully stared at it during last week’s solar eclipse.

The mad old racist of Pennsylvania Avenue ignored Continue reading

August 16, 2017

Trump’s u-turn on earlier u-turn leaves him with head lodged in rectum

by philapilus
File:Donald Trump Signs The Pledge 11 crop.jpg

A grateful world revels in temporarily not having to look at this face

Donald Trump’s political gyrations have caused his own massive unsightly head to become lodged in his rectal passage, the White House has confirmed.

The rambling old man came under fire for failing to condemn Nazis and white supremacists during the riots in Charlottesville at the weekend, insisting that many sides were Continue reading

August 7, 2017

Australia “designed to kill you” confirm scientists

by philapilus
File:Acacia pycnantha Golden Wattle.jpg

The lovely golden wattle is the floral emblem of Australia, and spits a burning acid at passersby that has been described as ‘worse than napalm’ 

Biologists agreed this morning that Australia’s entire ecosystem has evolved to destroy any human who dares set foot there.

Confirmation came after a Melbourne teenager went for a dip in the sea on Saturday and came out with profusely bleeding legs, after being Continue reading

July 31, 2017

C4 Diana doc: Middle England equally desperate to watch and vent outrage at broadcast

by philapilus
File:Princess Diana Cannes.jpg

“It DISGUSTS me that other people want to know the kind of squalid details about her life that I would chew my own leg off to discover.”

The sizeable proportion of the British public that buys the Daily Express has announced that it simply cannot wait to watch Channel 4’s ‘Diana: In Her Own Words’ so that it can subsequently eviscerate the station for showing it.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who has spent the last twenty years making thousands of pictures of the late princess out of dried lentils, said “I will probably be Continue reading

July 17, 2017

Martin Landau surprisingly reanimated

by unpseudable

After being saddened by his death, the world of Hollywood was this week stunned by renowned actor Martin Landau apparently coming back to life.

Landau

Landau earlier today

“It obviously wasn’t the uncommon reanimation that shocked me,” said recently deceased film critic Barry Norman. “I mean, I’ve seen that in literally thousands of films. No, it was more the irony that it was Landau who rose from the grave rather than legendary zombie movie director George Romero.”

Romero, who also sadly passed away this week, stubbornly refused to come back to life. “I just don’t see the point,” he is reported to have said, Continue reading

July 12, 2017

Vatican: Glutenous bread “more fleshy”

by unpseudable
bread

An artist’s representation of Jesus

The Roman Catholic Church this week ruled that gluten-free bread can no longer be used in Mass.

In a letter to bishops, Cardinal Robert Sarah stated that gluten-free bread “just isn’t Jesusy enough, you know? The texture is all different – not like flesh at all, in my experience.”

Sarah (who is obviously a man – this is the Roman Catholic Church), went on to add, “I mean, what’s the point of a metaphor if people don’t stick to it rigidly?

“N-not that it’s a metaphor of course, oh no: Jesus was literally – literally, mind you – made of bread and wine. Continue reading

July 9, 2017

Trump: time to work for – I mean with Russia

by philapilus
160303220529-gop-march-3-trump-2-780x439

‘I’m channeling you, oh great master Vladi”

Donald Trump made another unforced error this weekend after accidentally revealing “a firm belief that it is time to work for Russia.”

Trump made the comment after having met Russian president Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit, a meeting described by Trump as “an honour”, and by the Russians as “incredibly amusing”.

After accidentally revealing Continue reading

July 4, 2017

Ed Sheeran: I do it for Twitterlove, not money

by philapilus

Ed Sheeran, the singer-songwriter who both your mum and dad really like, said today that the literally enormous amounts of cash he has accrued mean nothing at all if he has to put up with people being rude on Twitter.

Ed_Sheeran_(8508821340)

Your applause means nothing if it isn’t written in less than 140 characters

“Sure, I’m rich and incredibly adored by legions of children and middle aged people around the world,” said Sheeran, “but every time some troll on Twitter Continue reading