February 17, 2017

UK ‘united on Brexit’ thanks to Blair

by philapilus
File:Tony Blair 2.jpg

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

Tony Blair has managed singlehandedly to unite Britain and heal the wounds brought about by the Brexit debacle.

Blair’s exhortations to the British people to rise up against Brexit managed to convince everybody that what the country really needed to do was exactly the opposite of whatever it was told to do by an egomaniac with a Messiah complex.

Tim Twanks, Remain campaigner, said “I was Continue reading

February 17, 2017

Charles Manson ‘considering national security advisor role’

by philapilus
File:Manson-June-2011.jpg

Manson with his CV

A spokesperson for Charles Manson has confirmed that the 82 year old is considering Donald Trump’s offer to replace Michael Flynn as national security advisor.

Trump fired Mr Flynn on Monday, after it transpired that the White House was not Continue reading

February 15, 2017

Nuttall defends ‘died at Hillsborough’ claim

by philapilus
File:Paulnuttall.jpg

Nuttall also died during the Falklands war, and was sitting next to Diana in the car crash that claimed both their lives

Paul Nuttall, the man who is running Ukip while Nigel Farage is towelling off Donald Trump, has hit back at critics who say he did not in fact die during the Hillsborough stadium disaster.

Speaking at a carboot sale this morning, Mr Nuttall said “These so-called fact-checkers are trying to tell me that I didn’t die during what might have Continue reading

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February 10, 2017

‘NHS unacceptable’ says man who ran it into the ground

by philapilus
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Jeremy is also fascinated by bottled water

Jeremy Hunt has said that the problems with the NHS are ‘unacceptable’, and has offered himself his warmest congratulations for making it so.

The Health Secretary said “I have spent five years helming the good ship NHS, finding iceberg after iceberg to ram, and finally I have managed to tear its hull to pieces. It is letting on water fast, and has finally been upgraded from ‘we’re in trouble’ to ‘oh shit we’re all going to die’.

“I couldn’t be happier.”

Hunt was Continue reading

February 6, 2017

Breaking News: Toff slightly faster than other toffs

by philapilus

Sporting superstars

The world has been rocked to its very core today, after it was revealed that toff Prince Harry is better at running than both his toff brother Prince William and his toff brother’s wife, toff Princess Kate.

Royal Commentator Arthur Theremin said today “This changes everything. Black could be white, up could be down, 2 and 2 might make 17. This is literally the most important thing happening anywhere in the world.

“The US president’s attempts to Continue reading

February 6, 2017

FGM rates prove humanity still full of utter bastards

by philapilus

‘What the fuck is wrong with people?’

The horrific revelation that English medical professionals deal with a victim of FGM every hour has confirmed that humanity is still chock full of evil little shits.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Counting Bastards, said  “Credulous fuckwits are hacking off bits of the genitalia of little girls for so-called cultural and religious reasons, and they don’t show any sign of stopping anytime soon.

“That shit still happens. In 2017.These Continue reading

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January 31, 2017

People who voted for stupid thing ‘not to blame if it was protest vote’

by philapilus

“All I said was ‘hey let’s just keep going’, but you should have ignored me; it’s not my fault I’m a moron”

People who have voted for something really fucking awful are not to blame when it happens provided the vote was only a protest vote, according to themselves.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who voted for an enraged baboon to usurp the office of President of the United States said “It’s not my fault that we now have a shrieking primate in charge of the country, waggling his turkey-neck and waving his tiny hands.

“I only voted for him in protest against the Continue reading

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January 23, 2017

Trump claims tornadoes ‘sent by God’

by philapilus
File:USPresidentialSeal.jpg

In four years time there will be an actual person who can legitimately use this, rather than an intemperate caveman with the intellect and sex appeal of a dying whelk

Pretend President Trump has suggested that God is responsible for the deaths of 18 people in the Southern United States after severe weather and tornadoes ripped through Georgia and Mississippi.

Trump previously cited God’s decision to personally favour him by stopping the rain during his inaugural speech*, explaining that “the weather from now on will reflect the Almighty’s positive feelings towards me.”

But after the violent storms caused chaos, the Continue reading

January 23, 2017

Bashful May admits Trident ‘has developed A.I.’

by philapilus
File:Trident II missile image.jpg

Trump will definitely unleash nuclear devastation soon, but most of the bombs will be aimed at the houses of people he doesn’t like within America’s own borders, such as the Clinton residence

Theresa May has been forced into making the embarrassing revelation that Britain’s nuclear weapons system has developed artificial intelligence and now chooses its own targets.

Downing Street finally admitted today that Mrs May had been told about a missile that went off course during a Trident test last year, but further admitted that “The system simply chose its own target.”

MOD spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, clarified the statement, telling reporters “We can confirm that Continue reading

January 18, 2017

Moths name turd-like pupa after Trump

by philapilus
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Despite what you might think looking at him the horrible creature didn’t come out of someone’s ass – and nor did the pupa

Lepidopterists discovered today that moths have honoured Donald Trump by naming a newly-discovered pupa after him.

Attacus Atlas moth Atticus Flinch* said to assembled taxonomists “I found the pupa this morning underneath a leaf, and decided I just had to name it for the president elect.

“Like Donald, the pupa we are calling Twattacus donaldtrumpi has a strange yellow hairy mop at the top, which looks fake as shit and stuck on, but is apparently part of the sack. Also like Donald, the pupa looks Continue reading