Posts tagged ‘Facebook’

April 28, 2014

‘Oh my god will you just STOP sending me sodding Candy Crush invites?’ says everyone

by philapilus

‘This could be the end of a beautiful friendship’

There was a huge Facebook backlash yesterday, as thousands of members finally lost it after being invited to play Candy Crush Saga for the 458th time.

Many users left the site altogether, others posted statuses such as “Ask again and I will kill you”, “If I didn’t accept when you first asked me two months ago, why the sh*tt*ng f*ck would I now?” and the succinct, if desperate, “I will hunt you down and run over your legs with a lawn-mower”.

Inventor of Candy Crush Saga, Dr Ken Unterman, said “I had an awful childhood. Now it’s your turn to suffer. And guess what? Here come seven new versions of the game! Screw you all.”

Wendy Nailinthehead, an

February 5, 2014

Facebook predicts your imminent death

by philapilus

Thanks for playing

Facebook confirmed today that it is using a montage of your postings and on-site activities, the so-called  ‘Facebook Movie’, to bring you a gentle, hopefully moving, summation of your life – primarily because you are about to die.

A spokesperson for the social media giant said “You may have seen a number of your friends posting a video, with

October 24, 2013

Facebook allows users to post video of Clegg-beheading

by philapilus

 

David Cameron

Dave ‘Headsman’ Cammers

Having just made a U-turn on an earlier U-turn over the posting of videos depicting beheadings, Facebook is once again courting moral controversy, after announcing it will be allowing the posting of grainy, domestic footage showing the decapitation of Nick Clegg by David Cameron.

The beheading, which sources close to the prime minister say has been on the cards for some months, will take place later today, in response to Clegg’s declaration of disagreement with the tories over the ‘rolling back’ of green levies.

It will be videoed by an aide using his iPhone, stolen by the NSA, leaked by a whistleblower, and then uploaded to Facebook all around the planet by around 10pm GMT.

A spokeswoman for

August 16, 2013

Happiness “not guaranteed” by sitting alone watching others have fun

by philapilus
British journalist and writer Polly Toynbee, p...

Polly discovered via a friend’s status that everyone had been invited to the party except her.

A groundbreaking article published by the Public Library of Science has suggested, for the first time, that sitting at your computer staring at pictures of other people having more fun than you, might not be the path to true inner peace and well-being.

The study into the correlation between social networking and existential despond was conducted by Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Who Gives A Toss.

McEyebrau said “What we have found is that if you take an average person, make them stare for hours at pictures of their friends having a good time at some event or other to which the subject has not been invited, whilst playing Eric Carmen’s ‘All by Myself’ on a loop in the background, then the subject will often experience what we social scientists call ‘unhappiness’.”

Polly Toynbee, the Guardian’s resident

June 7, 2013

NSA using Google, Apple and Facebook to find the really good internet porn

by philapilus
Headquarters of the NSA at Fort Meade, Marylan...

More chicken-choking than a battery farm on fire

Civil liberties groups across the world have expressed outrage at news that the National Security Agency has been secretly accessing the systems of several of the most powerful internet companies.

The revelation that the NSA has collected data directly from online giants like Google and Facebook, was made by our sister news organ, the Grauniad, which also discovered that these nefarious espionage tactics had mostly been used to get hold of really high quality porn. 

Journalist Wendy Nailinthehead said

May 2, 2013

Nazi Germany “Full of people pretending to be pot-plants”

by philapilus
A mass rally on Tempelhof field, 1 May 1935

This crowd were pretending to be a large garden-centre. Obviously.

A new history of the Third Reich by Nigel Farage has made the bold and novel claim that the vast majority of people in the country were swept up in a faddish craze which is only now beginning to be understood.

In Why it’s Fine to Goosestep Farage states that, contrary to the popular belief that Germany was in thrall to a bunch of racist chubnuts, the 1930s and 1940s were characterised by “A really jolly craze, in which people pretended to be pot-plants. I believe it was as widespread then as Gangnam is now. Whatever that is.”

His thesis came to light after he was able to explain that a Ukip candidate was not, in fact, making a Nazi salute in a photograph discovered online, but was imitating a pot-plant, whilst

April 11, 2013

Wanker of the week

by unpseudable

There’s gold in there somewhere.  Probably

A huge variety of nominations for this week’s wanker of the week. Ken Loach made a passionate case for Margaret Thatcher. Meanwhile, Morrissey put his vote in for Margaret Thatcher. The city of Liverpool, backed by the majority of the north of England, Scotland and Wales suggested Margaret Thatcher. Facebook and Twitter made a combined nomination of Margaret Thatcher. George Galloway brought some further variety, suggesting Margaret Thatcher. This then prompted a surprise counter bid purportedly from Margaret Thatcher for George Galloway.

Ultimately, though, none of the literally ones of contenders could match:

November 7, 2012

Stallone confusion words in the expression of

by unpseudable

Nic really gives a veneer intellectual group

Yesterday some news organizations that Sylvester Stallone has announced the lineup for the third Expendables movie. However, it was clear to anyone actually reading reports that it was something out of a foreign language publication Stallone (or who was updating his Facebook page) has just gone through a program of self-translate, ensuring that made very little sense at all.

Except clearly no one actually from the original story, let alone someone who knew Spanish to translate. And, as if he knew it, barely made mention of dubious grammatical nature of the statement

To put this into context, a helpful assistant at TMB central has put the first two paragraphs of this article through an auto-translate programme. See – it’s shit. (For clarification, please see below.*)

August 7, 2012

‘Mars isn’t all that’ says NASA

by philapilus
Mars Rover Curiosity, Right Side View

It doesn’t even go very fast; you can’t do wheelies or anything

Since the landing of NASA’s robot rover ‘Curiosity’ yesterday morning, initial elation and optimism has turned to disappointment and ennui, tinged with regret.

“It’s just a massive anti-climax really,” said Mission Organiser, James K Tirk, “We have spent years getting to this point, driven by the burning question: has life evolved elsewhere in our solar system?

“But we have invested so much effort, hope – not to mention an unbelievable amount of money – in this endeavour, that we all realised yesterday that unless we find something like an entire civilisation of chitinous super-insects, bent on destroying the Earth, it is going to be a massive let-down.”

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