Archive for ‘War’

December 10, 2014

CIA “is not a very nice organisation” shock

by philapilus

Couldn’t give a fuck about Monet

There has been widespread shock at the discovery that the CIA is a secretive military intelligence organisation, which frequently makes use of extreme violence – and not, as was previously thought, the American branch of the Courtauld Institute of Art.

At a press conference yesterday, President Obama described revelations of brutal ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’ used on terror-suspects as “Excessive, inhumane, and shameful.

“Such torturous methods are not at all in keeping with the principles of art history as practised by an august part of London University.”

There followed

November 23, 2014

UK responds to SAS killing jihadis: “AWWWWWW YEAHHHH!!!”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/31/NTS_-_BEEF_-_WATUSI.jpg

BOOM! It’s just like we’ve got a massive penis

It was revealed today that the SAS has been carrying out strikes on ISIS, and has killed around 200 jihadis in just four weeks, leading most British men to say “AWWWWWWW YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”, really very loudly.

A defence source confirmed that “SAS squads are being

October 22, 2014

“And your plan is…?” Russia asks Sweden

by philapilus

‘Ah, um, ohh…yeah that’s…that’s quite…Jesus it’s a biggy…Um, you know what? Actually, you can sail anywhere you like! Who cares about stuffy old nonsense like territorial waters? Not us!’ said Sweden

As the Swedish armed forces continue to search for what they claim is a Russian submarine in the waters near Stockholm, Russia has asked Sweden exactly what it is planning to do about it anyway.

Russian Foreign Minister, Ivan Everhaditov, said “Let’s say, hypothetically, that one of our subs is in your territorial waters.

“In fact, let’s say, hypothetically, it surfaces, and the crew comes out on deck, pull down their pants and

September 22, 2014

“You’re not actually PM anymore” Cameron tells Blair

by philapilus
Leaders from the three main political parties were forced to make An Intervention this morning, after unhinged

WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM ANNUAL MEETING 2009 - Tony Blair.jpg

Has been very busy recently writing long emails to God instructing him how to run the universe

megalomaniac Tony Blair rang up the Ministry of Defence and ordered ground troops into Iraq and Syria.

A recording of his phonecall to the MoD revealed Blair instructed the UK armed forces to “Unleash a fiery hell” upon the Islamic State militia, adding “We’re going in again boys; I’ve led you to military triumph before, and I’ll do it again!”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said “David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband went round to Tony’s and knocked on the door. He answered it wearing a toga, paratrooper boots

September 22, 2014

Derbyshire dam “accidentally destroyed” in historic aircraft flypast

by philapilus

In 2012 one of the planes accidentally killed a standful of veterans at a memorial airshow, an action welcomed by Iain Duncan Smith’s DWP.

Tragedy struck during an RAF flypast yesterday, when the last two remaining World War Two Avro Lancasters accidentally bombed and obliterated Derwent Dam.

An excited crowd of enthusiasts and spectators had assembled at the dam – the practise site for the famous ‘Dambusters’ raid – all of whom were drowned when the planes unleashed a massive payload of bouncing bombs.

Wing Commander Sir Leslie Fanshawe Haines-Haines, the RAF liaison for all commemorative displays and historical re-enactmants, said “Bloody bad luck, what? No idea the bloody bombs were still on the bally planes!

“Shame about

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

August 22, 2014

IS: ‘Our motivations are holy, pure, noble, and maybe a teeny little bit financial’

by philapilus

It’s almost certainly NOT about being unable to pull

A spokesman for theocratic fundamentalist Jihadists, Islamic State, has explained that the $132m ransom it initially demanded for the return of murdered journalist James Foley was “Absolutely definitely in line with the Koran, and I’ll probably even remember which bit in a minute.”

Foley’s slaughter, apparently “Motivated by the need to do God’s bidding”, is mentioned in a new television ad-campaign IS has launched to prove that its actions “Are profoundly just, and not simply the work of a bunch of misogynist, hypocritical, backward cunts”.

Set against a backdrop of Butlins-style holiday camps, the ad features a

August 12, 2014

Russia sends not-at-all suspicious aid convoy to Ukraine

by philapilus

“You couldn’t fit a platoon, a small armoured car, an anti-tank artillery piece and enough supplies and ammunition to last three months into one of these. And we should know, we checked!”

Russia insisted today that the 300 lorries full of food and medicine it is sending to Ukraine “Really don’t need to be checked very thoroughly at all.”

Vladimir Putin, whose country has clashed with the West over Russia’s attempt to dominate the region, said that the vehicles “Are full of socks, vodka, and pickled fish, and definitely not packed with special forces and munitions.”

But Western military intelligence warned that the 45,000 troops currently massing on the

August 11, 2014

US trying to reanimate Saddam

by philapilus

In the hierarchy of American foreign policy options, creating a Frankenstein’s Monster traditionally sits somewhere between drone-strikes and the deployment of the entire US armed forces for an indefinite period of time.

President Obama has authorised the Pentagon’s medical science divisions to attempt a radical new procedure that it is hoped will bring the corpse of Saddam Hussein back from the dead.

The US has intervened in Iraq for decades, using sanctions, military occupation, drone strikes, political strong-arming, and even flooding the country with porn and jam – all without success.

The President held a press conference and announced that it was “Now time for a different approach.

“In line with our long-held policy of not really having a strategy and making

August 7, 2014

Iraq: followers of Christopher Hitchens flee, as Dennet’s supporters take Qaraqosh

by philapilus

After his death many of Hitch’s followers interpreted his death-rattle as an incitement to terrible Jihad against the Dawkinsist minority.

The crisis in Iraq moved one step further to full-scale civil war yesterday, after thousands of Hitchensites fled from the ruthless Daniel Dennettian militants.

UN experts said that up to a quarter of the country’s Hitchensites were in flight, after Qaraqosh was captured yesterday.

Iraqi Dennettians have unleashed a wave of violence, in their war to secure a pan-Middle Eastern state founded on the principles of Daniel Dennett.

But whilst many devout followers of the Hitch are

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