Archive for ‘War’

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

June 13, 2014

Tony Blair: ‘Iraq civil war will vindicate our actions’

by philapilus

We might as well just go over there again; third time lucky and all that

Tony Blair said today that the escalating disaster in Iraq has definitively vindicated “that whole thing a couple of years back where we rode in and saved the day, and then everything was fine.”

After Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani called upon Shia Muslims to fight back against the Sunni insurgency, the former Prime Minister said that a civil war would be “the truest demonstration of democracy possible.”

Blair said “Look, it’s like this; I know what you’re all thinking – ‘maybe that invasion wasn’t the absolutely greatest idea in human history after all’.

“But I want you to rest easy, and have a clear

June 11, 2014

Catastrophe in Mosul as OH LOOK, FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Presumably Mosul didn’t make it past the qualifiers, because they’re not in any of the groups as far as we can see

Around half a million refugees have fled the city of Mosul after Islamist militants did something or other that will probably sort itself out and be absolutely fine, because IT’S THE FRICKIN’ WORLD CUP!

Middle East experts said today “The next few weeks are going to be amazing, with absolutely and completely non-stop football; football games, football analysis, football interviews, football adverts, and everyone brilliantly never shutting-the-fuck-up about the football.

“It’s going to be

June 6, 2014

“Would you say you’re about to die any moment now?” BBC asks D-Day veterans

by philapilus
D-day veterans on Sword Beach as a military aircraft flys past

Oh, get on with it

Reporters covering the ceremonies for the 70th anniversary of D-Day, have spent the morning interviewing the handful of veterans who are still alive – principally about when this state of affairs will cease to exist.

BBC defence correspondent Caroline Wyatt said “I am here in Normandy with Major Lesley Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, one of the last surviving field commanders from the Landings.

“Major, you’re very, very old; do you think you’ll die in the next few minutes? Maybe even during this interview? Are you sure? Well, what if you tried a bit harder, perhaps?”

The bewildered huddle of

June 5, 2014

Ritual humiliation of Merkel planned for D-Day anniversary

by philapilus

Merkel tries to remain stoic, after learning Silvio Berlusconi has been invited

World leaders are meeting in France tomorrow for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landings, where it is understood they will line up and take it in turns to break wind in the face of Angela Merkel.

Visiting dignitaries will walk along a short length of red carpet, marked off with gilded rope, at the end of which will be seated the German chancellor, perched on a crude stool.

Each representative will then turn their rear towards Merkel, and let loose up to three anal salutes, which she will be compelled to give the appearance of savouring.

David Cameron, who will be the third Briton to cut the cheese in Merkel’s

May 30, 2014

Chilcott inquiry to publish gist of two post-it notes from Bush-Blair talks

by philapilus
File:Blair Bush Whitehouse (2004-04-16).jpg

The Cabinet Office has magnanimously agreed not to suppress images in which the two men appear together, provided you can’t see their trousers

After 5 years and £7m, the Chilcott enquiry has reached a deal with the Cabinet Office to make public the gist of two post-it notes, summarising a bit of a chat Tony Blair and George Bush had, in which the word ‘Iraq’ was nearly mentioned.

Sir John Chilcott and Sir Jeremy Haywood agreed that of the 130 recorded conversations between the former Prime Minister and US  President, the two ‘yellow stickies’ gave the public all the information it demanded, whilst still ensuring important sensitive information was protected.

Sir John Chilcott said “Well, I’m the first person who wants the public to get the whole truth; I

May 21, 2014

Prince Charles congratulates Putin on “admirably German” handling of Ukraine

by philapilus
File:Duke and Duchess of Windsor meet Adolf Hitler 1937.jpg

“And might I just add; we’re huge fans of how you’ve handled the neighbours, Herr Adolf”

Prince Charles has caused a considerable stir this morning, after it emerged he had praised the Russians’ actions over the Ukraine crisis.

The Prince of Wales said that Putin’s annexation of the Crimea and belligerent military pressure on Ukraine were “Very akin to the robust handling of neighbouring states by the Germans, which was so admired by my Great Uncle Eddie.

“My son Harry is also a huge fan of

May 8, 2014

Pro-Russian activists: “There’s no point NOT having a referendum now. That would be stupid.”

by philapilus
240px-Yes-check-black-border.svg

‘We even pre-ticked them to save time’

In a move guaranteed to calm everything right down in the Ukraine, pro-Russian rebels have said they will go ahead with Sunday’s referendum on autonomy.

The activists issued a statement saying “Look, we’ve already printed all the ballots and everything. If we don‘t do it now it will be almost like all the bloodshed and violations of international law weren’t worth it.”

The decision was made just one day after what critics are calling ‘the moment Putin blinked’, when the Russian President mumbled that Ukraine’s attempt to decide its

April 25, 2014

“Holy f***, did you see those planes?!” asks Better Together campaign

by philapilus

The Russians are extremely keen for Britain to avoid the devolution of any further powers to the regions, let alone grant one full independence…

“Shitting Christ, the Russians are coming!!!!” screamed the opponents of Scottish independence yesterday, after two Russian bombers made a completely ordinary flight near British airspace.

Chief of the Air Staff, Sir Lesley Fanshawe Haines-Haines, said “I can confirm that we sent RAF fighters up, and wagged our fingers very sternly at the Sovie- sorry, the Russian planes.

“Basically, if it wasn’t for the RAF, they were going to bomb Scotland back into the Stone Age.

“Seriously people; a

March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

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