Archive for ‘War’

March 25, 2015

Isis in deadly battle with Tusken raiders

by philapilus

“F*ck you, crazy Isis bastards; we’ve got a f*cking X-Wing”

Isis have become locked in deadly combat with the Tusken raiders, after the Jihadis began using Tatooine as an entry-point to Libya.

The spread of Isis throughout the region has typically been marked by the brutal subjugation of local peoples, but experts think that the religious fundamentalists were probably unaware of the presence of an alien race in Tunisia.

Military Analyst, Randy Fukwitz, said “Whilst the sand-people are mostly uninterested in what completely mental humans do in the name of their imaginary magic friends, they

March 2, 2015

CAGE sways Mail over ‘nice guy’ Jihadi John

by philapilus
File:Seeboden Treffling Burg Sommeregg Foltermuseum Guillotine 24082007 31.jpg

The mass beheadings that characterised the French Revolution started because a palace guard gave Robespierre a wedgie, and then flicked his earlobe – FIVE TIMES

The Daily Mail said it has “changed its editorial view” of Mohammed Emwazi, the terrorist known as Jihadi John, after reviewing the press conference held last week by advocacy group, CAGE.

The Islamic State militant was the subject of a tribute by CAGE director, Asim Qureshi, who praised Emwazi’s “Beauty, gentleness, softness, lovingness, kindness, sexiness, impressive trouser-snake, skill with a blade, and come-to-bed eyes.”

Mail editor Paul Dacre said today “The editorial team have watched the recording, and we were all really moved. Especially when Qureshi started crying because of how poor Jihadi John had been forced – utterly against his own will – into beheading people because

February 9, 2015

People who complain about American intervention demand American intervention

by philapilus
File:Angela Merkel 2 Hamburg.jpg

“Merkel ought to get Obama’s bloodlust up: imagine Ann Diamond arriving on your doorstep – and she’s still not forgiven you for tapping her phone”

People unencumbered with brainpower who have spent years telling everyone how terrible the USA is, have decided it would be really good if America could wipe out IS and/or Russia as soon as possible.

Former ‘Anti-Yank’ Tim Twanks said “For years my friends and I have sat around at dinner parties, having lengthy conversations about the evils of the American military-industrial complex, and complaining about

January 30, 2015

WW1 soldiers ‘melodramatic pansies’ over gas attacks

by philapilus

“Well they can still bloody walk can’t they? What are they complaining about??”

The BBC has claimed that during the First World War soldiers fighting in the trenches were “A bunch of screaming pansies” when it came to poison gas.

In an article on its website celebrating the centenary of the first major gas attack, journalist Stanley Aubergine said “Basically, if you read over the evidence, these so-called ‘men’ were quaking in their boots as the green deadly vapour rolled unstoppably over the blood-soaked earth towards them.

“Our farmboys and factory workers should really have shown a bit more backbone, and not

January 7, 2015

Satire stopped forever to please fundamentalists

by philapilus

Such a good argument

After the brutal slaughter of civilians at French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, the international satirical community has conceded that hardline fundamentalists have clearly won the intellectual argument.

The murders, apparently committed by Islamic extremists, have shown political pomposity-pricking humorists everywhere that having a bit of a laugh at horrible people is just not on.

Satire-recusant Tim Twanks said “There is literally nothing worse in the world than having a bit of a laugh at someone who’s an arsehole.

“Seriously. If you’re a

December 10, 2014

CIA “is not a very nice organisation” shock

by philapilus

Couldn’t give a fuck about Monet

There has been widespread shock at the discovery that the CIA is a secretive military intelligence organisation, which frequently makes use of extreme violence – and not, as was previously thought, the American branch of the Courtauld Institute of Art.

At a press conference yesterday, President Obama described revelations of brutal ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’ used on terror-suspects as “Excessive, inhumane, and shameful.

“Such torturous methods are not at all in keeping with the principles of art history as practised by an august part of London University.”

There followed

November 23, 2014

UK responds to SAS killing jihadis: “AWWWWWW YEAHHHH!!!”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/31/NTS_-_BEEF_-_WATUSI.jpg

BOOM! It’s just like we’ve got a massive penis

It was revealed today that the SAS has been carrying out strikes on ISIS, and has killed around 200 jihadis in just four weeks, leading most British men to say “AWWWWWWW YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”, really very loudly.

A defence source confirmed that “SAS squads are being

October 22, 2014

“And your plan is…?” Russia asks Sweden

by philapilus

‘Ah, um, ohh…yeah that’s…that’s quite…Jesus it’s a biggy…Um, you know what? Actually, you can sail anywhere you like! Who cares about stuffy old nonsense like territorial waters? Not us!’ said Sweden

As the Swedish armed forces continue to search for what they claim is a Russian submarine in the waters near Stockholm, Russia has asked Sweden exactly what it is planning to do about it anyway.

Russian Foreign Minister, Ivan Everhaditov, said “Let’s say, hypothetically, that one of our subs is in your territorial waters.

“In fact, let’s say, hypothetically, it surfaces, and the crew comes out on deck, pull down their pants and

September 22, 2014

“You’re not actually PM anymore” Cameron tells Blair

by philapilus
Leaders from the three main political parties were forced to make An Intervention this morning, after unhinged

WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM ANNUAL MEETING 2009 - Tony Blair.jpg

Has been very busy recently writing long emails to God instructing him how to run the universe

megalomaniac Tony Blair rang up the Ministry of Defence and ordered ground troops into Iraq and Syria.

A recording of his phonecall to the MoD revealed Blair instructed the UK armed forces to “Unleash a fiery hell” upon the Islamic State militia, adding “We’re going in again boys; I’ve led you to military triumph before, and I’ll do it again!”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said “David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband went round to Tony’s and knocked on the door. He answered it wearing a toga, paratrooper boots

September 22, 2014

Derbyshire dam “accidentally destroyed” in historic aircraft flypast

by philapilus

In 2012 one of the planes accidentally killed a standful of veterans at a memorial airshow, an action welcomed by Iain Duncan Smith’s DWP.

Tragedy struck during an RAF flypast yesterday, when the last two remaining World War Two Avro Lancasters accidentally bombed and obliterated Derwent Dam.

An excited crowd of enthusiasts and spectators had assembled at the dam – the practise site for the famous ‘Dambusters’ raid – all of whom were drowned when the planes unleashed a massive payload of bouncing bombs.

Wing Commander Sir Leslie Fanshawe Haines-Haines, the RAF liaison for all commemorative displays and historical re-enactmants, said “Bloody bad luck, what? No idea the bloody bombs were still on the bally planes!

“Shame about

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