Archive for ‘War’

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

August 22, 2014

IS: ‘Our motivations are holy, pure, noble, and maybe a teeny little bit financial’

by philapilus

It’s almost certainly NOT about being unable to pull

A spokesman for theocratic fundamentalist Jihadists, Islamic State, has explained that the $132m ransom it initially demanded for the return of murdered journalist James Foley was “Absolutely definitely in line with the Koran, and I’ll probably even remember which bit in a minute.”

Foley’s slaughter, apparently “Motivated by the need to do God’s bidding”, is mentioned in a new television ad-campaign IS has launched to prove that its actions “Are profoundly just, and not simply the work of a bunch of misogynist, hypocritical, backward cunts”.

Set against a backdrop of Butlins-style holiday camps, the ad features a

August 12, 2014

Russia sends not-at-all suspicious aid convoy to Ukraine

by philapilus

“You couldn’t fit a platoon, a small armoured car, an anti-tank artillery piece and enough supplies and ammunition to last three months into one of these. And we should know, we checked!”

Russia insisted today that the 300 lorries full of food and medicine it is sending to Ukraine “Really don’t need to be checked very thoroughly at all.”

Vladimir Putin, whose country has clashed with the West over Russia’s attempt to dominate the region, said that the vehicles “Are full of socks, vodka, and pickled fish, and definitely not packed with special forces and munitions.”

But Western military intelligence warned that the 45,000 troops currently massing on the

August 11, 2014

US trying to reanimate Saddam

by philapilus

In the hierarchy of American foreign policy options, creating a Frankenstein’s Monster traditionally sits somewhere between drone-strikes and the deployment of the entire US armed forces for an indefinite period of time.

President Obama has authorised the Pentagon’s medical science divisions to attempt a radical new procedure that it is hoped will bring the corpse of Saddam Hussein back from the dead.

The US has intervened in Iraq for decades, using sanctions, military occupation, drone strikes, political strong-arming, and even flooding the country with porn and jam – all without success.

The President held a press conference and announced that it was “Now time for a different approach.

“In line with our long-held policy of not really having a strategy and making

August 7, 2014

Iraq: followers of Christopher Hitchens flee, as Dennet’s supporters take Qaraqosh

by philapilus

After his death many of Hitch’s followers interpreted his death-rattle as an incitement to terrible Jihad against the Dawkinsist minority.

The crisis in Iraq moved one step further to full-scale civil war yesterday, after thousands of Hitchensites fled from the ruthless Daniel Dennettian militants.

UN experts said that up to a quarter of the country’s Hitchensites were in flight, after Qaraqosh was captured yesterday.

Iraqi Dennettians have unleashed a wave of violence, in their war to secure a pan-Middle Eastern state founded on the principles of Daniel Dennett.

But whilst many devout followers of the Hitch are

August 5, 2014

Israeli-Palestinian truce brokered to piss off Baroness Warsi

by philapilus

Principled (well, for a given value of ‘principled’)

A fragile ceasefire has begun between the Israeli armed forces and Hamas, after both sides agreed it would be “an excellent way of making Lady Warsi look like a dick”.

Baronness Warsi resigned as a Foreign Office minister this morning, in protest at the government’s ‘let’s just pretend it isn’t happening’ policy on Gaza.

Israel and Palestine issued a joint statement shortly afterwards, which said “Whilst we love nothing better than murdering each other until the corpses fill the streets, we are going to put this on hold for a little bit, just to make Warsi look like a total idiot for resigning just as

August 5, 2014

Bat symbol seen in London skies

by philapilus

Let’s just hope he didn’t have one of his notorious panic attacks and hide behind his girlfriend again…

Londoners were shocked and awed last night, after a powerful beam of light projected the Bat signal into the brooding clouds above Westminster.

The cloud symbol, which is the traditional and established method of contacting the elusive caped crusader in times of dire need, was visible from an impressive 15km away.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who has ‘DC comics 4eva’ tattooed across her chest, said “I immediately ran down to Victoria Tower Gardens to catch

August 5, 2014

Miliband, Clegg deface War memorial, urinate on Unknown Soldier’s grave

by philapilus

Ed took a dump right on top of it

Middle England was in uproar yesterday, after Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg attempted to ruin the centenary commemoration of the First World War.

After laying wreaths reading ‘Fuck Hisstry’ and ‘Them soljers was well gay’, the Leader of the Opposition and the Deputy Prime Minister tried to sabotage the service in Westminster abbey, heckling the speakers with shouts of “Wankers!” and “Bummers!”.

As angered veterans tried to eject them, the

July 30, 2014

Israel and Palestine “giving war another chance”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Damaged_housing_gaza_strip_april_2009.jpg

“Let’s stick together, come on, come on, let’s stick together”

The opposing armed forces of Israel and Hamas have agreed to give conflict another go, saying that there is just too much history between them to give up on it now.

After suffering a night of heavy bombardment that saw scores of people dead, Palestine said this morning “We’ve been together so long, and I don’t want to just walk away from all that.

“What kind of a heartless bastard would I have to be not to repay Israel in kind for last night? After which hopefully it will retaliate again, and we can stay together, doing this for the rest of our lives.”

Israel said “There comes a time when

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

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