Archive for ‘War’

March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

March 24, 2014

British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a

March 18, 2014

Sanctions on 6 Russians fail to deter Putin from swallowing Crimea

by philapilus

Russia’s credibility has reached the ‘jumping the shark’ stage. “AAYYYY!”

Experts say that the international community’s robust and vigorous imposing of sanctions on Russian diplomats has not yet managed to change Russia’s plan to annex the Crimea.

The region, which voted overwhelmingly to become a Russian republic at the weekend, was described by Vladimir Putin as “Mouth-wateringly succulent, with a lingering aroma of aniseed”.

Mr Putin told the Russian parliament that “The democratic wish of the Crimean people to be devoured, must be respected.

“Speaker of the

March 10, 2014

Kim Jong-un in landslide victory against Nobody

by philapilus
Kim Jong-Un clapping

“Actually it’s brilliant news for Everybody that he won. He’s great!” said Nobody.

In the most closely-fought North Korean election in recent history, Kim Jong-un managed to defeat Nobody, to remain his district’s deputy to the supreme people’s assembly.

In the run-up to the ballot it seemed that Nobody was an extremely strong contender. One expert said “I would say it is almost 100% certain that Nobody will defeat Kim Jong-un this Sunday.”

Although many Western outsiders were surprised to see Nobody’s name on the ballot paper alongside the Supreme leader’s, North Korea does in fact have a long history of putting Nobody up against incumbent totalitarian leaders.

The Supreme

March 5, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Bell on the Crimea

by philapilus

Once again we present a brilliant, biting satire, syndicated from sister-paper ‘The Grauniad‘! Stefan Bell, the so-called ‘greatest 18th-century throwback’ satirist of his generation, is using his razor-sharp wit, subtlety and unsurpassed drawing skills to really

March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

February 10, 2014

Taliban captures budgie

by philapilus

‘Terrified’

After releasing a video last week showing what they claimed was an imprisoned British military dog, the Taliban says it has now captured an RAF budgerigar.

Taliban footage shows the bird, allegedly kidnapped during a night raid,  imprisoned in a makeshift container – an upturned colander glued to a plastic Disney Princesses party plate – and appearing to be in considerable distress.

A masked Taliban fighter then speaks, saying “Victorious Mujahideen once again triumph over you! We have warrior-budgie, and we keep where you never find it, and not necessarily in cave this time!

“We will execute your infidel bird , then wrap  corpse in  American flag, douse with petrol and

January 28, 2014

“Angry Birds is No. 1 terrorist training tool” says NSA

by philapilus

‘Just like 9/11 all over again…’

US and British spy agencies have justified their data collection from computer game ‘Angry Birds’ on the grounds that the game is a covert method of recruiting and training terrorists.

Mr NotHisRealName, from the National Security Agency, said “Of course we’re spying on everyone who plays Angry Birds! Just think about it: righteously furious, airborne assailants, slingshotting themselves into infidel pigs. What about that doesn’t spell ‘suicide bomber training’ to you?”

Mr Spokesman, from definitely non-existent UK agency MI6, said “This is the reality of

January 9, 2014

Chris Smalling’s ‘Suicide bomb plot’ foiled

by philapilus

“The source of all evil in the world” according to Richard Dawkins

The Manchester United and England defender Chris Smalling has been apprehended by the anti-terrorism squad, after attempting to kill everyone at a party.

Smalling intially insisted that he had just been trying to make “a joke in extremely poor taste”, but officers discovered that his ‘Suicide Jagerbomber fancy-dress outfit’ was in fact loaded with deadly explosives.

PC McGarry No. 452 said “On searching Smalling’s luxury apartment we found masses of anti-Western, extremist Manchester United material.

“This ranges from zealous football tracts, like Alex Fergusson’s autobiography, to

January 4, 2014

Department for Education are ‘lions led by donkeys’

by philapilus
Sources inside the Department for Education have revealed today that Michael Gove is modelling his entire political strategy on “the fuckwitted tactics of WWI British generals”.

The claim comes after Gove made a scathing attack yesterday on 25-year old sitcom Blackadder Goes Forth, for “trying to suggest that the (admittedly quite large) losses of British troops was  somehow the fault of their great leaders, rather than obvious cowardice on the part of the working class soldiery”.

Gove went on to say that

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