Archive for ‘War’

September 7, 2015

Cameron to announce card and flowers for refugees

by philapilus

“They’re only coming for our ludicrously generous state benefits – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with their own homes” said the complete c*nts of the British right-wing press, until 5 minutes ago 

David Cameron will lay out his new strategy for dealing with the mass migration problem this afternoon, which is expected to involve having a quick whip round for a commiserations card and a bouquet of flowers from a petrol station.

Sources close to the Prime Minister say he “will praise the courage of Syrian refugees, before promising to send the posey of flowers – and possibly a pack of Rich Tea biscuits that he’s had in the cupboard for ages and which no one has eaten.”

Mr Cameron will also, it is hinted, ask any

August 17, 2015

Bin Laden’s tape collection “includes the Bangles and Steeleye Span”

by philapilus

“All around my hat I will wear the green ribbon…”

Experts analysing the vast tape collection of Osama Bin Laden have revealed that the Al Qaeda leader “was a huge fan of bands like the Bangles, the Mamas and the Papas, and British folk rock outfit, Steeleye Span.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Sound Studies went through more than 1500 casettes, and found that Bin Laden’s musical tastes tended to focus on anything recorded before Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’, which was the most recent album that he owned.

“‘Nevermind’ was almost worn out,” said McEyebrau “So he’d obviously listened to it a lot. We think he

June 28, 2015

“ISIS delighted by gay marriage verdict” says CNN

by philapilus

CNN also revealed this ISIS cell “taking time out from its busy programme of repression and violence to celebrate hot man-on-man action”

CNN has said ISIS is “completely thrilled” by the US Supreme Court’s decision to legalise gay marriage nationwide.

The revelation came after star correspondent Lucy Pawle reported spotting the fundamentalist religious organisation’s flag at a gay pride event in London.

A spokesman for CNN said “I know you’re all probably quite surprised by this, but ISIS are huge fans of gay marriage. Or ‘marriage’ as we should all just get used to calling it.

“Yeah, ISIS are kind of

May 28, 2015

Blair takes up new role as Middle East ‘war envoy’

by philapilus

Just an all-round great feller

The former British prime minister Tony Blair has said his decision to step down as peace envoy to the middle east was motivated by “the offer of a much more interesting role as war ambassador to the region.”

Blair’s tenure as peace envoy was always troubled by accusations that he was the wrong man for the job. Partly because he had previously been involved in destroying quite a bit of the Middle East, and partly because he achieved fuck-all in 8 years.

But after quitting the post yesterday, he told reporters “I’ve assessed my options to contribute to the world and decided – by which I mean ‘have been offered a much better salary’ –  to spread war and discord instead.

“Sort of like a

May 21, 2015

ISIS to assume curatorial duties in Palmyra

by philapilus

Deeply fond of culture

Islamic State militants announced today that they would be taking over the curating and preservation of the UNESCO World Heritage Site of Palmyra, the ruins of which are amongst the most important in the ancient world.

The IS spokesman for antiquities, Abdul ‘the beheader’ Aziz, said “People think that all we do is go around barbarically destroying anything that doesn’t fit a very specific and medieval version of Islam. But that’s not true.

“For instance, as an archaeologist, I am fascinated by the Temple of Bel, even if it is a place of heathen worship, and… oh hang on, sorry, I think that explosion was probably the temple. Well, to be fair, we probably had to do that one.

“But just look at all the

May 20, 2015

Prince Charles and Gerry Adams in suspected ‘bodyswap’

by philapilus

“Well now, dis is a bit o’ a gamechanger, so it is”

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about

April 28, 2015

RAF to buy Spitfire as riposte to Russian display of might

by philapilus

This is probably fine, right? Nothing to worry about?

As Russia prepares for the world’s biggest ever military parade, the RAF has announced its intention to purchase a renovated WW2 Spitfire, in a retaliatory show of force.

Whilst Russia’s WW2 celebratory parade will showcase new tanks, ICBM missiles, devices for torturing Ukrainians, and hundreds of T-1000 terminators, Britain will be saving really hard to bolster its own arsenal with a 70-year old plane made of aluminium.

An MoD spokesman said “The RAF – like all our armed services – has

March 25, 2015

Isis in deadly battle with Tusken raiders

by philapilus

“F*ck you, crazy Isis bastards; we’ve got a f*cking X-Wing”

Isis have become locked in deadly combat with the Tusken raiders, after the Jihadis began using Tatooine as an entry-point to Libya.

The spread of Isis throughout the region has typically been marked by the brutal subjugation of local peoples, but experts think that the religious fundamentalists were probably unaware of the presence of an alien race in Tunisia.

Military Analyst, Randy Fukwitz, said “Whilst the sand-people are mostly uninterested in what completely mental humans do in the name of their imaginary magic friends, they

March 2, 2015

CAGE sways Mail over ‘nice guy’ Jihadi John

by philapilus
File:Seeboden Treffling Burg Sommeregg Foltermuseum Guillotine 24082007 31.jpg

The mass beheadings that characterised the French Revolution started because a palace guard gave Robespierre a wedgie, and then flicked his earlobe – FIVE TIMES

The Daily Mail said it has “changed its editorial view” of Mohammed Emwazi, the terrorist known as Jihadi John, after reviewing the press conference held last week by advocacy group, CAGE.

The Islamic State militant was the subject of a tribute by CAGE director, Asim Qureshi, who praised Emwazi’s “Beauty, gentleness, softness, lovingness, kindness, sexiness, impressive trouser-snake, skill with a blade, and come-to-bed eyes.”

Mail editor Paul Dacre said today “The editorial team have watched the recording, and we were all really moved. Especially when Qureshi started crying because of how poor Jihadi John had been forced – utterly against his own will – into beheading people because

February 9, 2015

People who complain about American intervention demand American intervention

by philapilus
File:Angela Merkel 2 Hamburg.jpg

“Merkel ought to get Obama’s bloodlust up: imagine Ann Diamond arriving on your doorstep – and she’s still not forgiven you for tapping her phone”

People unencumbered with brainpower who have spent years telling everyone how terrible the USA is, have decided it would be really good if America could wipe out IS and/or Russia as soon as possible.

Former ‘Anti-Yank’ Tim Twanks said “For years my friends and I have sat around at dinner parties, having lengthy conversations about the evils of the American military-industrial complex, and complaining about


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 330 other followers