Archive for ‘USA’

April 17, 2014

Sharks “had legs and a prehensile trunk”, new fossil reveals

by philapilus

A new fossil found in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas has debunked the myth that sharks have remained unchanged since before the time of the dinosaurs.

A fascinating new fact about sharks, it is not

The findings, published in the weekly journal Nature, reveal that “Ancient sharks had three legs, long elephant-style trunks, and were covered in thick, luminous yellow fur.

“They also had a growth on the tip of the dorsal fin, shaped exactly like a small chicken.

“We don’t yet know what the evolutionary purpose of this was.”

Sharks were previously

March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

March 22, 2014

First impressions of Hell, by Fred Phelps

by philapilus

In yet another exclusive scoop, TMB brings you the first musings on the afterlife of late Westboro Baptist Church pastor, Fred Phelps:

Well, first I thought “Goddamnit, if there ain’t been some kinda disgraceful mistake! Here I am in the wrong Goddamn afterlife!”

Then it hit me; obviously I was such a faithful servant of God, He’s sent me down here for three days, like He did Jesus when he come off the cross. Yessir, just like Jesus came down to kick the crap outta the sinners before being resurrerectered, so ol’ Fred’s gotta do the same.

Anyway, I’m at this big pearly gate, and this goddamn faggot says to me, “Welcome beloved brother” and tries to give me a hug! I says “Get your filthy homosexual hands off

March 18, 2014

Sanctions on 6 Russians fail to deter Putin from swallowing Crimea

by philapilus

Russia’s credibility has reached the ‘jumping the shark’ stage. “AAYYYY!”

Experts say that the international community’s robust and vigorous imposing of sanctions on Russian diplomats has not yet managed to change Russia’s plan to annex the Crimea.

The region, which voted overwhelmingly to become a Russian republic at the weekend, was described by Vladimir Putin as “Mouth-wateringly succulent, with a lingering aroma of aniseed”.

Mr Putin told the Russian parliament that “The democratic wish of the Crimean people to be devoured, must be respected.

“Speaker of the

March 7, 2014

Gambler sues casino after ‘drunken’ win

by philapilus

“Take the money back, you bastards, I was drunk! It’s not my fault!” is an oft-heard cry in Vegas’s backstreets, where casino enforcers break the knees of unwilling winners

A gambler who won $500,000 dollars during a drunken session at a Las Vegas casino, has refused to accept that his win was legitimate, and is suing the casino to take the money back.

Businessman Mark Knobman said today “I was clearly utterly intoxicated. They let me gamble all night long, even though I was drunker than an Irishman on his birthday.

“I mean, I obviously had no control whatsoever, and should not now be made responsible for my

March 5, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Bell on the Crimea

by philapilus

Once again we present a brilliant, biting satire, syndicated from sister-paper ‘The Grauniad‘! Stefan Bell, the so-called ‘greatest 18th-century throwback’ satirist of his generation, is using his razor-sharp wit, subtlety and unsurpassed drawing skills to really

March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

March 3, 2014

Major surprises at 86th Oscars

by philapilus

McQueen ‘Triumphant’ in 12 Years A Slave

Pundits say last night’s Academy Awards will go down as the most surprising in the history of the golden statuette, after upsets in all the main categories.

The Oscar for Best Picture went to 12 Years a Slave, Steve McQueen’s sequel to his 1963 film, the Great Escape.

McQueen both directed and starred, again playing Virgil Hilts, recaptured by the Nazis and forced into slavery, attaching those plasticky things to the end of shoelaces, which sort of stop them unravelling.

Best Director went to

February 25, 2014

Arizona to become “1950s World” theme park

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/George_Takei_Sulu_Star_Trek.JPG

“In the 1950s they’d NEVER have sunk so low as to let a Goddamn Jap pilot a spaceship”

The State of Arizona is set to become the world’s biggest tourist attraction, under ambitious plans that will see the clocks turned back to the mid-20th century.

All that is needed is for Governor Jan Brewer to sign a bill, SB 1062, into law which will allow business owners to refuse service to gay people, and the process of setting up the statewide theme park will be complete.

Randy Jerkoff, Director of the ’1950s World’ initiative, said “Everyone loves the 1950s. China was weak, cars were brilliant, women wore dresses, young people had proper-length hair, and there wasn’t so much as a whiff of a single hippie, let alone the godawful social revolutions to come.

“Well from now on, when you come to Arizona, you

February 24, 2014

CNN drops Piers Morgan: “Basically he’s a total asshole”

by philapilus

Britain said today it doesn’t want him back, and asked America if it could kindly just drown him in the Atlantic

Piers Morgan has had his CNN talkshow cancelled, after the news network “finally realised what a smug-faced scumbag” he actually is.

Piers Morgan had previously made a statement saying “CNN and I are parting on the best of terms.

“They are, I’m sure,  delighted with the excellent work I have done on finally laying to rest Larry King’s once-popular show, and I am particularly proud of

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