Archive for ‘USA’

June 13, 2014

Tony Blair: ‘Iraq civil war will vindicate our actions’

by philapilus

We might as well just go over there again; third time lucky and all that

Tony Blair said today that the escalating disaster in Iraq has definitively vindicated “that whole thing a couple of years back where we rode in and saved the day, and then everything was fine.”

After Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani called upon Shia Muslims to fight back against the Sunni insurgency, the former Prime Minister said that a civil war would be “the truest demonstration of democracy possible.”

Blair said “Look, it’s like this; I know what you’re all thinking – ‘maybe that invasion wasn’t the absolutely greatest idea in human history after all’.

“But I want you to rest easy, and have a clear

June 5, 2014

Death of Alexander Shulgin proves drugs are bad, say authorities

by philapilus

Unlike, say, a plastic bottle containing 2 litres of vodka mixed with meths, these *might* make you seriously ill.

The Department of Health and the Home Office issued a joint statement this morning, in which they pointed out “an undeniable link” between Dr Alexander Shulgin’s work in psychoactive drugs, and his death on June 2nd.

The government’s spokesperson on drug policy, Percy Spoke, said “This is clinching proof of what we have been saying all along; drugs kill people.

“Far from being a form of sensory experimentation no more inherently dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol, ecstasy-use is the sort of body-poisoning that catches you unawares, and BAM! You’re cut down in your prime, at the premature age of 88.”

Dr Shulgin, a respected

May 30, 2014

Chilcott inquiry to publish gist of two post-it notes from Bush-Blair talks

by philapilus
File:Blair Bush Whitehouse (2004-04-16).jpg

The Cabinet Office has magnanimously agreed not to suppress images in which the two men appear together, provided you can’t see their trousers

After 5 years and £7m, the Chilcott enquiry has reached a deal with the Cabinet Office to make public the gist of two post-it notes, summarising a bit of a chat Tony Blair and George Bush had, in which the word ‘Iraq’ was nearly mentioned.

Sir John Chilcott and Sir Jeremy Haywood agreed that of the 130 recorded conversations between the former Prime Minister and US  President, the two ‘yellow stickies’ gave the public all the information it demanded, whilst still ensuring important sensitive information was protected.

Sir John Chilcott said “Well, I’m the first person who wants the public to get the whole truth; I

May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

May 8, 2014

London cab drivers to do exactly the same as usual, in Uber protest

by philapilus
For the discriminating passenger who likes a bit of, well, discrimination

For the discriminating passenger who likes a bit of, well, discrimination

London’s black-cab drivers have threatened to continue to do what they always have, and bring the city centre into gridlocked chaos, to protest against the taxi company Uber.

Tim Twanks, head of the Licensed Taxi Drivers Association, said “In early June,  in order to show our deep resentment of TFL’s failure to curb Uber, we will make a concerted effort to be as slow and obstructive as we possibly can. And to drive our cabs slowly and obstructively as well. Very much like we do on a daily basis anyway.

“But this time we’ll mean it.”

Uber, an American multinational that has been favourably described as “probably not, on balance, more unpleasant than any other large faceless corporation”, says that

May 8, 2014

Pro-Russian activists: “There’s no point NOT having a referendum now. That would be stupid.”

by philapilus
240px-Yes-check-black-border.svg

‘We even pre-ticked them to save time’

In a move guaranteed to calm everything right down in the Ukraine, pro-Russian rebels have said they will go ahead with Sunday’s referendum on autonomy.

The activists issued a statement saying “Look, we’ve already printed all the ballots and everything. If we don‘t do it now it will be almost like all the bloodshed and violations of international law weren’t worth it.”

The decision was made just one day after what critics are calling ‘the moment Putin blinked’, when the Russian President mumbled that Ukraine’s attempt to decide its

April 30, 2014

US introduces new ‘nearly capital punishment’ sentence

by philapilus

Now just makes a really annoying buzzing sound until your brain gives up out of desperation

Courts throughout the United States have been given the go-ahead to hand down ‘not quite death’ sentences, after a successful trial run yesterday, with Oklahoman prisoner Clayton Lockett.

Lockett eventually had a heart attack, after a lethal injection nearly – but crucially not quite – killed him.

The new sentence, known as ‘nearly capital’ or ‘not quite death’, has been brought in to act “as even more of a deterrent than the existing deterrent of just killing people.”

Senator Randy Bumfukowizc, who pushed

April 17, 2014

Sharks “had legs and a prehensile trunk”, new fossil reveals

by philapilus

A new fossil found in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas has debunked the myth that sharks have remained unchanged since before the time of the dinosaurs.

A fascinating new fact about sharks, it is not

The findings, published in the weekly journal Nature, reveal that “Ancient sharks had three legs, long elephant-style trunks, and were covered in thick, luminous yellow fur.

“They also had a growth on the tip of the dorsal fin, shaped exactly like a small chicken.

“We don’t yet know what the evolutionary purpose of this was.”

Sharks were previously

March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

March 22, 2014

First impressions of Hell, by Fred Phelps

by philapilus

In yet another exclusive scoop, TMB brings you the first musings on the afterlife of late Westboro Baptist Church pastor, Fred Phelps:

Well, first I thought “Goddamnit, if there ain’t been some kinda disgraceful mistake! Here I am in the wrong Goddamn afterlife!”

Then it hit me; obviously I was such a faithful servant of God, He’s sent me down here for three days, like He did Jesus when he come off the cross. Yessir, just like Jesus came down to kick the crap outta the sinners before being resurrerectered, so ol’ Fred’s gotta do the same.

Anyway, I’m at this big pearly gate, and this goddamn faggot says to me, “Welcome beloved brother” and tries to give me a hug! I says “Get your filthy homosexual hands off

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