Archive for ‘USA’

March 24, 2015

Credulous simpletons tricked into trawling through faeces

by philapilus

The report warns that you may feel some discomfort when passing larger bars

An American research group has managed to convince people unencumbered with weighty IQs that they should carefully sift their own poo, looking for particles of gold.

The US Geological Survey team produced a report pointing out the minute amounts of precious metals that are present in human crap, leading morons to start defecating into sieves.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the author of the report, said “It’s hilarious. I keep getting all these letters from idiots complaining they ‘ve been

March 6, 2015

Han Solo crashes Millennium Falcon on LA golf course

by philapilus

Silver fox; yes. Credible action hero; not so much…

Veteran Rebel Alliance pilot and smuggler, Han Solo, has been injured after crashing his vintage spaceship in Los Angeles.

A spokesman for the Mos Santa Monica spaceport said “Solo reported engine failure shortly after leaving the runway, but successfully managed a textbook crash landing on a nearby golf course.

“He really is

February 23, 2015

Oscars 2015: Douglas Hurd ‘Surprised but delighted’ with Best Director Gong

by philapilus

 

 

Oddie missed his night of glory, having been refused entry to the ceremony after turning up pissed in a Hawaiian shirt

Lord Douglas Hurd expressed astonishment at his “completely unexpected” Oscars win last night, for directorial debut ‘Birdman’, his fictionalised account of the life of Bill Oddie.

Unable to attend the ceremony because of onerous government duties in Westminster, Hurd’s acceptance speech was read out by avid twitcher and bearhunter, Chris Packham.

“Douglas says; ‘I never thought for a moment that the biggest film award ceremony in the world would show such interest in the life of a former Goodie, but am

February 19, 2015

Boris to be even more British

by unpseudable

Boris’ inability to whistle the Star-Spangled Banner reveals where his loyalties lie

With the news this week that Boris Johnson plans to approach the US ambassador with the intention of relinquishing his American citizenship, reports are coming in that Matthew Barzun, the ambassador himself, has beaten the capital’s mayor to it.

Barzun yesterday announced that he would contact Johnson personally to fast-track his application.  “I only just heard about this to be honest.  I tend to ignore pretty much everything Boris says as a matter of course, obviously, but eventually an aide brought it to my attention.  Apparently he believes the process to be unnecessarily laborious – that we just don’t make it easy enough.  Well, that won’t do.  I’m going to contact the mayor this very instant and guide him through the business.  We could get rid of- get it resolved by the end of the week.”

Johnson made a statement

February 10, 2015

Earth’s core made of Creme Egg filling

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of the calamitous aftermath resulting from a giant meteor colliding with Earth

A team of scientists investigating the Earth’s core have made the remarkable discovery that it is, in fact, entirely composed of the weirdly addictive, sugary gunk that you find inside a Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leader of the American and Chinese project, said “The scientific community has variously believed that the centre of the Earth was

February 9, 2015

People who complain about American intervention demand American intervention

by philapilus
File:Angela Merkel 2 Hamburg.jpg

“Merkel ought to get Obama’s bloodlust up: imagine Ann Diamond arriving on your doorstep – and she’s still not forgiven you for tapping her phone”

People unencumbered with brainpower who have spent years telling everyone how terrible the USA is, have decided it would be really good if America could wipe out IS and/or Russia as soon as possible.

Former ‘Anti-Yank’ Tim Twanks said “For years my friends and I have sat around at dinner parties, having lengthy conversations about the evils of the American military-industrial complex, and complaining about

February 6, 2015

Publishers hoping To Kill a Mockingbird sequel will feature wizards and vampires

by philapilus
File:Atticus and Tom Robinson in court.gif

“Maybe Atticus Finch has given up the unprofitable underdog lawsuits, and now runs a Secret Service school for turning delinquent kids into superspies? And his best friend is a giant robot.”

Publishers waiting to get their hands on Harper Lee’s manuscript Go Set A Watchman, said today they are hoping it will be very much in keeping with the current zeitgeist, with a plot that brings together wizards, angry dwarves, and a love triangle between a werewolf, a vampire and a zombie.

According to a spokesman for HarperCollins; “The sequel, which was actually written at the same time as To Kill A Mockingbird, will ideally continue the story of the impetuous Jean Louise ‘Scout’ Finch, and follow her enrolling in Pigverrucas School of Wizardry, battling other children as part of a

January 28, 2015

Michelle Obama chastised for offending bigoted misogynists

by philapilus

Apparently it’s impossible for anyone to form a rational opinion that isn’t full of either religious or anti-religious shit.

The First Lady of America, Michelle Obama, has been criticised for not wearing a headscarf whilst visiting Saudi Arabia this week.

Fans of fundamentalism, liberal apologists, and cerebrally challenged people with internet connections, have all lambasted Barack Obama’s wife, accusing her of cultural insensitivity, especially in the wake of the death of Saudi monarch, King Abdullah.

Wendy Nailinthehead, an unemployed person somewhat larger than her own doorway, tweeted “It’s

January 21, 2015

Obama uses State of the Union Address to remind everyone Republicans are c*nts

by philapilus

“Let me spell that for you: C-U-N-…”

President Obama has used his annual State of the Union Address to remind Americans that the collapse of his personal trajectory, from shining star to damp squib, doesn’t mean that the Republicans have in any way stopped being “A bunch of utter c*nts”.

The President said to Congress “I admit that I appear to have frittered away the goodwill of the nation, and gone from hero to zero with impressive speed. And I know that generally ‘Yes We Can’ has kind of turned into ‘Sorry, Actually It Turns Out I Can’t’.

“But I’d like everyone to remember that the alternative is a party of total assholes, whose

January 16, 2015

Meryl Streep receives 107th Oscar nomination

by philapilus

She was nominated last year for waving

Hollywood actress Meryl Streep is celebrating her 107th nomination for an Academy Award, for her portrayal of Meryl Streep in ‘Into the Woods’.

Streep, who has been favourably referred to as “The most consistently overrated actress of her – or any other – generation”, said she was delighted that once again she had been nominated for turning up on a set somewhere.

The Oscars ceremony, now in its

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