Archive for ‘USA’

June 10, 2015

Walmart ‘Mom fight’ video wrecks both theory of evolution and creationism

by philapilus

It really is the only way

The normally opposing worlds of science and religion have been brought together today in joint recognition of their failure, after it became clear that not only does humanity display no traits of being highly evolved, but it is also too despicable to have been divinely ordained.

The revelation came after a video of two women fighting on the floor in an Indiana Walmart went viral, proving indisputably that both the prole-ish participants, and the gleefully voyeuristic internet audience, are all just absolutely vile.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, ex-evolutionary scientist said “I have argued for years that

June 9, 2015

FIFA offering London Mayoralty to most ‘convincing’ bidder

by philapilus

“I’ve got this terrible pain in my head, right here. I hope it’s not the early onset of dementia and regrettable associated amnesia!”

The disgraced FIFA organisation has offered to ‘help secure’ the position of Mayor of London “for whichever of the candidates does the best job of convincing our board of their case.”

Embattled president Sepp Blatter said “By ‘case’ we obviously don’t just mean a case full of cash! No; we’d like to help whoever shows us that they have the whole package. We want to see someone who can really push the brown envelope. Someone willing to put a bit of elbow grease into our han- into the job.”

The offer “to assist in an advisory capacity” in the 2016 mayoral elections, comes after FIFA announced its diversification “into other lucrative markets, you know, in case the football thing doesn’t

June 8, 2015

Cameron’s tough-talk to cabinet on EU ‘unrelated to warning from Obama’

by philapilus

The Prime Minister said “Do not fuck with me on this, because you will lose and you will die. I am definitely completely in charge here. Disagree with me and I will end you.”

But critics have suggested that Mr Cameron is acting tough to save face, after a weekend in which Barack Obama “heavily suggested” Britain should not cut defence spending, and that he “looked forward” to Britain staying in

June 2, 2015

‘Robot cheetahs definitely not a bad idea’ say scientists

by philapilus

They live only to serve us. Probably.

Scientists presenting a robot cheetah at the DARPA Robotics Challenge this weekend have said there is no chance that the autonomous deathbots represent any kind of threat.

Head roboticist Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “These sleek, mechanised beings can move at great speed, avoid obstacles with ease, and tear through flesh and bone as easily as you or I might through blancmange. They’re almost certainly harmless though. Probably. I mean, why

May 28, 2015

Blair takes up new role as Middle East ‘war envoy’

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/84/Tony_Blair%2C_UK_Prime_Minister_%281997-2007%29_%288228591861%29.jpg/623px-Tony_Blair%2C_UK_Prime_Minister_%281997-2007%29_%288228591861%29.jpg

Just an all-round great feller

The former British prime minister Tony Blair has said his decision to step down as peace envoy to the middle east was motivated by “the offer of a much more interesting role as war ambassador to the region.”

Blair’s tenure as peace envoy was always troubled by accusations that he was the wrong man for the job. Partly because he had previously been involved in destroying quite a bit of the Middle East, and partly because he achieved fuck-all in 8 years.

But after quitting the post yesterday, he told reporters “I’ve assessed my options to contribute to the world and decided – by which I mean ‘have been offered a much better salary’ –  to spread war and discord instead.

“Sort of like a

May 19, 2015

Texas turf-war between rival Segway gangs

by philapilus
File:Segway PT (2006)-02.jpg

Lock up your daughters

Nineteen people have been killed and more than 100 arrested, after a vicious gun-battle between rival Segway gangs in Texas.

Police confirmed that opposing factions, the Gadget-addicts and the Green-businessmen Gang, met in a large Walmart carpark to settle a turf dispute. An ensuing gun-battle between hundreds of Segwayers was described by witnesses as “All out war”.

Police chief Randy Fukwizc said “The Segwayers chose the

May 18, 2015

A day in the afterlife: Dean Potter

by philapilus

SO much more fun if you know you’re likely to crack your head open at the bottom

Well, just got here today, and the prospects seemed really exciting. It’s no Yosemite, but it is very high up.

First thing I did was scale the pearly gates, which is quite hard as there’s not much grip on pearl. Was ace, although this bearded dude kept jangling his keys and shouting at me to come down and walk in like everyone else. I was like ‘No way dude!’

So I got inside, and there’s

May 5, 2015

Scandinavian gunmen open fire at US ‘Draw Thor’ competition

by philapilus

We can’t show Thor wielding it, for fear of reprisals

Norse mythology extremists have been killed by police, after opening fire at contestants attending a ‘Draw Thor’ competition in Dallas yesterday.

The masked gunmen were shot dead by a traffic policeman, in an exchange of fire following a savage attack, which mercifully left no one harmed other than the perpetrators.

The event’s organiser, controversial anti-Thorian and free speech advocate, Frank Castle, said “This kind of religious extremism is absolutely intolerable in

May 3, 2015

Pacquiao-Mayweather fight, blow-by-blow

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/49/Pacman.svg/456px-Pacman.svg.png

Pacman got less of the money than Money did

Manny Pacquaio v Floyd Mayweather is over, but only TMB’s boxingologists can give you the complete breakdown:

Both men entered the arena in the normal way, using their feet, which, being located at the end of their legs, made for adequate bipedal locomotion. Next they climbed into the roped-off bit, which seemed to go pretty well too.

Neither boxer fell over.

A shouty man shouted for a bit, and then the fighters started hitting each other.

The first round opened with

April 22, 2015

Paris Hilton “unaffected” by chihuahua’s death

by philapilus

“I’m just going to dump it in this fucking hedge here”

Paris Hilton has said she is “not remotely bothered” after the death of her 14 year old chihuahua, Tinkerbell, saying to reporters “why should I be? It’s just a fucking dog.”

Hilton, a famous and robust sex mannequin, who has survived numerous porkings, added “If I mourn the loss of any of my lifestyle accessories, it is that fucking earring I dropped down the loo four years ago in the toilets at Burger King. They were made of solid gold, and frozen semen dyed pink.

“I’m certainly not cut up over some yappy little thing that I had to get one of my assistants to clean up after every time it shat.”

Hilton, who has

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