Archive for ‘USA’

October 1, 2014

Unarmed man in lift with Obama

by philapilus

Only last year someone in the State of Arizona was arrested for driving whilst not holding a semi-automatic weapon. Experts warn that there could be a ‘non-carrying epidemic’ if swift action is not taken.

Barack Obama’s bodyguards are facing yet another accusation of negligence today, after an unarmed man got into a lift with the US president and rode with him for 6 floors.

Agents admitted they had been completely unaware that construction worker Jim Casey was not carrying a concealed weapon, and that the safety of both the president and his typist had been

September 8, 2014

John Major storms through US Open to take 18th Grand Slam title

by philapilus

It’s even more impressive that he won without taking his jacket off

Former British Prime Minister Sir John Major said he was “Over the moon” about his victory in the US Open on Sunday, which saw him join Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert in 4th place on the list of greatest women’s singles title-winners.

He beat Caroline Wozniacki 6-3 6-3 to take victory – an impressive feat for a 71 year old ex-politician, playing against a professional tennis superstar at the top of her game.

Speaking with characteristic humility, Major said “Of course I’m

August 27, 2014

Arizona calls for mandatory firearm training for infants

by philapilus

Perfect for a child

Citizens in Arizona are campaigning for tightened gun legislation, after the killing of a gun instructor by his 9 year-old student.

The shocking and completely unforeseeable accident, in which a small child failed to control the recoil of a fully automatic Uzi submachine gun, has galvanised communities, and led to demands for laws making it illegal for 9 year-olds not to know how to handle weaponry.

Founder of

August 22, 2014

IS: ‘Our motivations are holy, pure, noble, and maybe a teeny little bit financial’

by philapilus

It’s almost certainly NOT about being unable to pull

A spokesman for theocratic fundamentalist Jihadists, Islamic State, has explained that the $132m ransom it initially demanded for the return of murdered journalist James Foley was “Absolutely definitely in line with the Koran, and I’ll probably even remember which bit in a minute.”

Foley’s slaughter, apparently “Motivated by the need to do God’s bidding”, is mentioned in a new television ad-campaign IS has launched to prove that its actions “Are profoundly just, and not simply the work of a bunch of misogynist, hypocritical, backward cunts”.

Set against a backdrop of Butlins-style holiday camps, the ad features a

August 19, 2014

Assange: ‘I’m probably OK to come out now, yeah?’

by philapilus

“I don’t get out much, but I thought the press would be the best people to ask about my chances for freedom, given their unimpeachable code of honour and great integrity.”

Julian Assange yesterday invited reporters to the Ecuadorian embassy, saying “I just wanted to see if you guys reckon I can come out of hiding yet?”

The Australian fled to the embassy two years ago to avoid extradition to Sweden on charges of sexual assault. He also fears incarceration by the US over the Wikileaks revelations.

Assange exhorted journalists to “Be honest; I really don’t want to make a boob here”, adding “but like, all that stuff was a

August 11, 2014

US trying to reanimate Saddam

by philapilus

In the hierarchy of American foreign policy options, creating a Frankenstein’s Monster traditionally sits somewhere between drone-strikes and the deployment of the entire US armed forces for an indefinite period of time.

President Obama has authorised the Pentagon’s medical science divisions to attempt a radical new procedure that it is hoped will bring the corpse of Saddam Hussein back from the dead.

The US has intervened in Iraq for decades, using sanctions, military occupation, drone strikes, political strong-arming, and even flooding the country with porn and jam – all without success.

The President held a press conference and announced that it was “Now time for a different approach.

“In line with our long-held policy of not really having a strategy and making

June 13, 2014

Tony Blair: ‘Iraq civil war will vindicate our actions’

by philapilus

We might as well just go over there again; third time lucky and all that

Tony Blair said today that the escalating disaster in Iraq has definitively vindicated “that whole thing a couple of years back where we rode in and saved the day, and then everything was fine.”

After Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani called upon Shia Muslims to fight back against the Sunni insurgency, the former Prime Minister said that a civil war would be “the truest demonstration of democracy possible.”

Blair said “Look, it’s like this; I know what you’re all thinking – ‘maybe that invasion wasn’t the absolutely greatest idea in human history after all’.

“But I want you to rest easy, and have a clear

June 5, 2014

Death of Alexander Shulgin proves drugs are bad, say authorities

by philapilus

Unlike, say, a plastic bottle containing 2 litres of vodka mixed with meths, these *might* make you seriously ill.

The Department of Health and the Home Office issued a joint statement this morning, in which they pointed out “an undeniable link” between Dr Alexander Shulgin’s work in psychoactive drugs, and his death on June 2nd.

The government’s spokesperson on drug policy, Percy Spoke, said “This is clinching proof of what we have been saying all along; drugs kill people.

“Far from being a form of sensory experimentation no more inherently dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol, ecstasy-use is the sort of body-poisoning that catches you unawares, and BAM! You’re cut down in your prime, at the premature age of 88.”

Dr Shulgin, a respected

May 30, 2014

Chilcott inquiry to publish gist of two post-it notes from Bush-Blair talks

by philapilus
File:Blair Bush Whitehouse (2004-04-16).jpg

The Cabinet Office has magnanimously agreed not to suppress images in which the two men appear together, provided you can’t see their trousers

After 5 years and £7m, the Chilcott enquiry has reached a deal with the Cabinet Office to make public the gist of two post-it notes, summarising a bit of a chat Tony Blair and George Bush had, in which the word ‘Iraq’ was nearly mentioned.

Sir John Chilcott and Sir Jeremy Haywood agreed that of the 130 recorded conversations between the former Prime Minister and US  President, the two ‘yellow stickies’ gave the public all the information it demanded, whilst still ensuring important sensitive information was protected.

Sir John Chilcott said “Well, I’m the first person who wants the public to get the whole truth; I

May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

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