Archive for ‘USA’

January 28, 2015

Michelle Obama chastised for offending bigoted misogynists

by philapilus

Apparently it’s impossible for anyone to form a rational opinion that isn’t full of either religious or anti-religious shit.

The First Lady of America, Michelle Obama, has been criticised for not wearing a headscarf whilst visiting Saudi Arabia this week.

Fans of fundamentalism, liberal apologists, and cerebrally challenged people with internet connections, have all lambasted Barack Obama’s wife, accusing her of cultural insensitivity, especially in the wake of the death of Saudi monarch, King Abdullah.

Wendy Nailinthehead, an unemployed person somewhat larger than her own doorway, tweeted “It’s

January 21, 2015

Obama uses State of the Union Address to remind everyone Republicans are c*nts

by philapilus

“Let me spell that for you: C-U-N-…”

President Obama has used his annual State of the Union Address to remind Americans that the collapse of his personal trajectory, from shining star to damp squib, doesn’t mean that the Republicans have in any way stopped being “A bunch of utter c*nts”.

The President said to Congress “I admit that I appear to have frittered away the goodwill of the nation, and gone from hero to zero with impressive speed. And I know that generally ‘Yes We Can’ has kind of turned into ‘Sorry, Actually It Turns Out I Can’t’.

“But I’d like everyone to remember that the alternative is a party of total assholes, whose

January 16, 2015

Meryl Streep receives 107th Oscar nomination

by philapilus

She was nominated last year for waving

Hollywood actress Meryl Streep is celebrating her 107th nomination for an Academy Award, for her portrayal of Meryl Streep in ‘Into the Woods’.

Streep, who has been favourably referred to as “The most consistently overrated actress of her – or any other – generation”, said she was delighted that once again she had been nominated for turning up on a set somewhere.

The Oscars ceremony, now in its

December 23, 2014

North Korea temporarily unable to access Kim Jong-un pictures

by philapilus

Coping without the famous Putin vs Kim Jong-il dance-off video has been particularly gruelling

North Korean internet ground to a halt yesterday and the country remained offline for nearly ten hours, causing severe disruption to citizens’ enjoyment of articles about Kim Jong-un.

The secretive country has a vibrant and growing internet culture, consisting entirely of websites featuring the Dear Leader posing with cats, ‘FAIL’ Gifs of service personnel pratfalling in front of him, and ripped-off adult films in which his chubby little face is poorly super-imposed over Peter North’s.

As the row over the Sony cyber-attack deepens, many commentators have suggested the

December 10, 2014

CIA “is not a very nice organisation” shock

by philapilus

Couldn’t give a fuck about Monet

There has been widespread shock at the discovery that the CIA is a secretive military intelligence organisation, which frequently makes use of extreme violence – and not, as was previously thought, the American branch of the Courtauld Institute of Art.

At a press conference yesterday, President Obama described revelations of brutal ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’ used on terror-suspects as “Excessive, inhumane, and shameful.

“Such torturous methods are not at all in keeping with the principles of art history as practised by an august part of London University.”

There followed

November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most inspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared inspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of shoppers in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately

November 6, 2014

World responds to US Republican victory

by philapilus

“The amount that we do not care what you think is impossible to express in any other way”

After the Republican party took control of the Senate in the mid-term elections, the rest of the world collectively sent the US an email, saying “Oh for fuck’s sake, America.”

All around the globe, people – many of whom aren’t very well-informed about US politics -chastised the American public for not being very well-informed about US politics, and for electing a bunch of right wing nutjobs.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, Head of USAology at the Slough School of Despondency said “It’s miserably depressing that a country where the majority are spiralling ever

October 1, 2014

Unarmed man in lift with Obama

by philapilus

Only last year someone in the State of Arizona was arrested for driving whilst not holding a semi-automatic weapon. Experts warn that there could be a ‘non-carrying epidemic’ if swift action is not taken.

Barack Obama’s bodyguards are facing yet another accusation of negligence today, after an unarmed man got into a lift with the US president and rode with him for 6 floors.

Agents admitted they had been completely unaware that construction worker Jim Casey was not carrying a concealed weapon, and that the safety of both the president and his typist had been

September 8, 2014

John Major storms through US Open to take 18th Grand Slam title

by philapilus

It’s even more impressive that he won without taking his jacket off

Former British Prime Minister Sir John Major said he was “Over the moon” about his victory in the US Open on Sunday, which saw him join Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert in 4th place on the list of greatest women’s singles title-winners.

He beat Caroline Wozniacki 6-3 6-3 to take victory – an impressive feat for a 71 year old ex-politician, playing against a professional tennis superstar at the top of her game.

Speaking with characteristic humility, Major said “Of course I’m

August 27, 2014

Arizona calls for mandatory firearm training for infants

by philapilus

Perfect for a child

Citizens in Arizona are campaigning for tightened gun legislation, after the killing of a gun instructor by his 9 year-old student.

The shocking and completely unforeseeable accident, in which a small child failed to control the recoil of a fully automatic Uzi submachine gun, has galvanised communities, and led to demands for laws making it illegal for 9 year-olds not to know how to handle weaponry.

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