Archive for ‘USA’

August 19, 2014

Assange: ‘I’m probably OK to come out now, yeah?’

by philapilus

“I don’t get out much, but I thought the press would be the best people to ask about my chances for freedom, given their unimpeachable code of honour and great integrity.”

Julian Assange yesterday invited reporters to the Ecuadorian embassy, saying “I just wanted to see if you guys reckon I can come out of hiding yet?”

The Australian fled to the embassy two years ago to avoid extradition to Sweden on charges of sexual assault. He also fears incarceration by the US over the Wikileaks revelations.

Assange exhorted journalists to “Be honest; I really don’t want to make a boob here”, adding “but like, all that stuff was a

August 11, 2014

US trying to reanimate Saddam

by philapilus

In the hierarchy of American foreign policy options, creating a Frankenstein’s Monster traditionally sits somewhere between drone-strikes and the deployment of the entire US armed forces for an indefinite period of time.

President Obama has authorised the Pentagon’s medical science divisions to attempt a radical new procedure that it is hoped will bring the corpse of Saddam Hussein back from the dead.

The US has intervened in Iraq for decades, using sanctions, military occupation, drone strikes, political strong-arming, and even flooding the country with porn and jam – all without success.

The President held a press conference and announced that it was “Now time for a different approach.

“In line with our long-held policy of not really having a strategy and making

June 13, 2014

Tony Blair: ‘Iraq civil war will vindicate our actions’

by philapilus

We might as well just go over there again; third time lucky and all that

Tony Blair said today that the escalating disaster in Iraq has definitively vindicated “that whole thing a couple of years back where we rode in and saved the day, and then everything was fine.”

After Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani called upon Shia Muslims to fight back against the Sunni insurgency, the former Prime Minister said that a civil war would be “the truest demonstration of democracy possible.”

Blair said “Look, it’s like this; I know what you’re all thinking – ‘maybe that invasion wasn’t the absolutely greatest idea in human history after all’.

“But I want you to rest easy, and have a clear

June 5, 2014

Death of Alexander Shulgin proves drugs are bad, say authorities

by philapilus

Unlike, say, a plastic bottle containing 2 litres of vodka mixed with meths, these *might* make you seriously ill.

The Department of Health and the Home Office issued a joint statement this morning, in which they pointed out “an undeniable link” between Dr Alexander Shulgin’s work in psychoactive drugs, and his death on June 2nd.

The government’s spokesperson on drug policy, Percy Spoke, said “This is clinching proof of what we have been saying all along; drugs kill people.

“Far from being a form of sensory experimentation no more inherently dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol, ecstasy-use is the sort of body-poisoning that catches you unawares, and BAM! You’re cut down in your prime, at the premature age of 88.”

Dr Shulgin, a respected

May 30, 2014

Chilcott inquiry to publish gist of two post-it notes from Bush-Blair talks

by philapilus
File:Blair Bush Whitehouse (2004-04-16).jpg

The Cabinet Office has magnanimously agreed not to suppress images in which the two men appear together, provided you can’t see their trousers

After 5 years and £7m, the Chilcott enquiry has reached a deal with the Cabinet Office to make public the gist of two post-it notes, summarising a bit of a chat Tony Blair and George Bush had, in which the word ‘Iraq’ was nearly mentioned.

Sir John Chilcott and Sir Jeremy Haywood agreed that of the 130 recorded conversations between the former Prime Minister and US  President, the two ‘yellow stickies’ gave the public all the information it demanded, whilst still ensuring important sensitive information was protected.

Sir John Chilcott said “Well, I’m the first person who wants the public to get the whole truth; I

May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

May 8, 2014

London cab drivers to do exactly the same as usual, in Uber protest

by philapilus
For the discriminating passenger who likes a bit of, well, discrimination

For the discriminating passenger who likes a bit of, well, discrimination

London’s black-cab drivers have threatened to continue to do what they always have, and bring the city centre into gridlocked chaos, to protest against the taxi company Uber.

Tim Twanks, head of the Licensed Taxi Drivers Association, said “In early June,  in order to show our deep resentment of TFL’s failure to curb Uber, we will make a concerted effort to be as slow and obstructive as we possibly can. And to drive our cabs slowly and obstructively as well. Very much like we do on a daily basis anyway.

“But this time we’ll mean it.”

Uber, an American multinational that has been favourably described as “probably not, on balance, more unpleasant than any other large faceless corporation”, says that

May 8, 2014

Pro-Russian activists: “There’s no point NOT having a referendum now. That would be stupid.”

by philapilus
240px-Yes-check-black-border.svg

‘We even pre-ticked them to save time’

In a move guaranteed to calm everything right down in the Ukraine, pro-Russian rebels have said they will go ahead with Sunday’s referendum on autonomy.

The activists issued a statement saying “Look, we’ve already printed all the ballots and everything. If we don‘t do it now it will be almost like all the bloodshed and violations of international law weren’t worth it.”

The decision was made just one day after what critics are calling ‘the moment Putin blinked’, when the Russian President mumbled that Ukraine’s attempt to decide its

April 30, 2014

US introduces new ‘nearly capital punishment’ sentence

by philapilus

Now just makes a really annoying buzzing sound until your brain gives up out of desperation

Courts throughout the United States have been given the go-ahead to hand down ‘not quite death’ sentences, after a successful trial run yesterday, with Oklahoman prisoner Clayton Lockett.

Lockett eventually had a heart attack, after a lethal injection nearly – but crucially not quite – killed him.

The new sentence, known as ‘nearly capital’ or ‘not quite death’, has been brought in to act “as even more of a deterrent than the existing deterrent of just killing people.”

Senator Randy Bumfukowizc, who pushed

April 17, 2014

Sharks “had legs and a prehensile trunk”, new fossil reveals

by philapilus

A new fossil found in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas has debunked the myth that sharks have remained unchanged since before the time of the dinosaurs.

A fascinating new fact about sharks, it is not

The findings, published in the weekly journal Nature, reveal that “Ancient sharks had three legs, long elephant-style trunks, and were covered in thick, luminous yellow fur.

“They also had a growth on the tip of the dorsal fin, shaped exactly like a small chicken.

“We don’t yet know what the evolutionary purpose of this was.”

Sharks were previously

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