Archive for ‘USA’

May 19, 2015

Texas turf-war between rival Segway gangs

by philapilus
File:Segway PT (2006)-02.jpg

Lock up your daughters

Nineteen people have been killed and more than 100 arrested, after a vicious gun-battle between rival Segway gangs in Texas.

Police confirmed that opposing factions, the Gadget-addicts and the Green-businessmen Gang, met in a large Walmart carpark to settle a turf dispute. An ensuing gun-battle between hundreds of Segwayers was described by witnesses as “All out war”.

Police chief Randy Fukwizc said “The Segwayers chose the

May 18, 2015

A day in the afterlife: Dean Potter

by philapilus

SO much more fun if you know you’re likely to crack your head open at the bottom

Well, just got here today, and the prospects seemed really exciting. It’s no Yosemite, but it is very high up.

First thing I did was scale the pearly gates, which is quite hard as there’s not much grip on pearl. Was ace, although this bearded dude kept jangling his keys and shouting at me to come down and walk in like everyone else. I was like ‘No way dude!’

So I got inside, and there’s

May 5, 2015

Scandinavian gunmen open fire at US ‘Draw Thor’ competition

by philapilus

We can’t show Thor wielding it, for fear of reprisals

Norse mythology extremists have been killed by police, after opening fire at contestants attending a ‘Draw Thor’ competition in Dallas yesterday.

The masked gunmen were shot dead by a traffic policeman, in an exchange of fire following a savage attack, which mercifully left no one harmed other than the perpetrators.

The event’s organiser, controversial anti-Thorian and free speech advocate, Frank Castle, said “This kind of religious extremism is absolutely intolerable in

May 3, 2015

Pacquiao-Mayweather fight, blow-by-blow

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/49/Pacman.svg/456px-Pacman.svg.png

Pacman got less of the money than Money did

Manny Pacquaio v Floyd Mayweather is over, but only TMB’s boxingologists can give you the complete breakdown:

Both men entered the arena in the normal way, using their feet, which, being located at the end of their legs, made for adequate bipedal locomotion. Next they climbed into the roped-off bit, which seemed to go pretty well too.

Neither boxer fell over.

A shouty man shouted for a bit, and then the fighters started hitting each other.

The first round opened with

April 22, 2015

Paris Hilton “unaffected” by chihuahua’s death

by philapilus

“I’m just going to dump it in this fucking hedge here”

Paris Hilton has said she is “not remotely bothered” after the death of her 14 year old chihuahua, Tinkerbell, saying to reporters “why should I be? It’s just a fucking dog.”

Hilton, a famous and robust sex mannequin, who has survived numerous porkings, added “If I mourn the loss of any of my lifestyle accessories, it is that fucking earring I dropped down the loo four years ago in the toilets at Burger King. They were made of solid gold, and frozen semen dyed pink.

“I’m certainly not cut up over some yappy little thing that I had to get one of my assistants to clean up after every time it shat.”

Hilton, who has

March 24, 2015

Credulous simpletons tricked into trawling through faeces

by philapilus

The report warns that you may feel some discomfort when passing larger bars

An American research group has managed to convince people unencumbered with weighty IQs that they should carefully sift their own poo, looking for particles of gold.

The US Geological Survey team produced a report pointing out the minute amounts of precious metals that are present in human crap, leading morons to start defecating into sieves.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the author of the report, said “It’s hilarious. I keep getting all these letters from idiots complaining they ‘ve been

March 6, 2015

Han Solo crashes Millennium Falcon on LA golf course

by philapilus

Silver fox; yes. Credible action hero; not so much…

Veteran Rebel Alliance pilot and smuggler, Han Solo, has been injured after crashing his vintage spaceship in Los Angeles.

A spokesman for the Mos Santa Monica spaceport said “Solo reported engine failure shortly after leaving the runway, but successfully managed a textbook crash landing on a nearby golf course.

“He really is

February 23, 2015

Oscars 2015: Douglas Hurd ‘Surprised but delighted’ with Best Director Gong

by philapilus

 

 

Oddie missed his night of glory, having been refused entry to the ceremony after turning up pissed in a Hawaiian shirt

Lord Douglas Hurd expressed astonishment at his “completely unexpected” Oscars win last night, for directorial debut ‘Birdman’, his fictionalised account of the life of Bill Oddie.

Unable to attend the ceremony because of onerous government duties in Westminster, Hurd’s acceptance speech was read out by avid twitcher and bearhunter, Chris Packham.

“Douglas says; ‘I never thought for a moment that the biggest film award ceremony in the world would show such interest in the life of a former Goodie, but am

February 19, 2015

Boris to be even more British

by unpseudable

Boris’ inability to whistle the Star-Spangled Banner reveals where his loyalties lie

With the news this week that Boris Johnson plans to approach the US ambassador with the intention of relinquishing his American citizenship, reports are coming in that Matthew Barzun, the ambassador himself, has beaten the capital’s mayor to it.

Barzun yesterday announced that he would contact Johnson personally to fast-track his application.  “I only just heard about this to be honest.  I tend to ignore pretty much everything Boris says as a matter of course, obviously, but eventually an aide brought it to my attention.  Apparently he believes the process to be unnecessarily laborious – that we just don’t make it easy enough.  Well, that won’t do.  I’m going to contact the mayor this very instant and guide him through the business.  We could get rid of- get it resolved by the end of the week.”

Johnson made a statement

February 10, 2015

Earth’s core made of Creme Egg filling

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of the calamitous aftermath resulting from a giant meteor colliding with Earth

A team of scientists investigating the Earth’s core have made the remarkable discovery that it is, in fact, entirely composed of the weirdly addictive, sugary gunk that you find inside a Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leader of the American and Chinese project, said “The scientific community has variously believed that the centre of the Earth was

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