Archive for ‘Uncategorized’

September 10, 2014

“Great day for prejudice” as Jack the Ripper identified as Jewish foreigner

by philapilus
"No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face"

“No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face”

Across the UK, bigots, xenophobes and racists (so pretty much everyone) were delighted this week, after the Daily Mail announced new evidence which “proves definitively that Jack the Ripper was a Polish Jew”.

Delighted Ripperologists said it was “finally time to break out the flaming torches and go get them stinking Hebes.”

Tim Twanks, a current Whitechapel resident, said “After more than a century of the liberal curtailing of prejudice, and improved education, it turns out the blindly bigoted, squawking, anti-Semitic British public were right all along

“So now we

September 1, 2014

The Martyrdom of a Modern Hero, by George Galloway

by philapilus

 

The thought of that beautiful smile being wiped off his face is more than we lowly commoners can bear…

Bravely stood the proud and noble man; erect, full of purpose, indefatigable as a Persian dictator, though with the moral complexion of a Saint, astride the London streets like a mighty colossus, blessing common people, as was his wont.

But even his great mind was unable to foresee what was coming; a savage beating at the hands of a maniac.

You will be distraught, I know, to hear that this brutally set-upon genius was not some remote ivory-tower intellectual, but one

August 26, 2014

Stephen Hawking dumped into freezing ocean to raise ALS awareness

by philapilus

George W. Bush, P.K. Subban and Lindsay Lohan are some of the well-known people who have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge, a fundraiser for ALS research.

Well done guys! Without doubt the most altruistic thing anyone has ever done, ever…

Stephen Hawking was this morning flown to the Arctic Circle where, after a suitable hole had been cut in the ice, he was removed from his motorised chair and thrown into the freezing polar sea.

The famous physicist’s dunking resulted in his entering a hypothermic coma, which medical experts say “Will almost certainly kill him, but it’s hard to tell, as he never moves or says anything without the computer anyway.”

ALS ‘Ice Bucket challenge’ co-ordinator

June 7, 2013

NSA using Google, Apple and Facebook to find the really good internet porn

by philapilus
Headquarters of the NSA at Fort Meade, Marylan...

More chicken-choking than a battery farm on fire

Civil liberties groups across the world have expressed outrage at news that the National Security Agency has been secretly accessing the systems of several of the most powerful internet companies.

The revelation that the NSA has collected data directly from online giants like Google and Facebook, was made by our sister news organ, the Grauniad, which also discovered that these nefarious espionage tactics had mostly been used to get hold of really high quality porn. 

Journalist Wendy Nailinthehead said

November 19, 2012

John Lewis ad proves UK is ready for apocalypse

by philapilus
English: Snowman

It doesn’t need your money, you stupid bastards; it just wants to live in your freezer

The nation’s tearful response to the John Lewis Christmas advert has proved conclusively that levels of emotional intelligence in Britain have plummeted below the ‘safe’ mark, and the only way forward is to destroy the country, according to a new study.

The Slough Recycling Centre’s Institute for Apocalypse Predictions, today presented its findings in a 300 page report, heavily recommending the unleashing of biologically engineered plague to wipe the slate clean.

Author of the Report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “This advert is essentially a very short programme in which one inanimate pile of frozen water is depicted in a series of tableaux, supposedly going to a shop to buy unnecessary garments for another inanimate pile of

October 31, 2012

Tips for Running the Country, by Pippa Middleton

by philapilus
Hot cross buns. Note: these are square buns fr...

Not just the princess’s sister: Pippa is also well known for her incredible buns

Hello everyone! Following the fab success of my party planner’s guide, ‘Celebrate’, I was approached again by Penguin, and offered another half million pounds to write another book. Isn’t that brilliant?!

After some meetings (which were lovely!), which we held in Claridge’s tearooms, we decided to do a book specially for all those brainiacs who keep us all so safe and happy with their brilliant ruling.

And I don’t mean just my sister! I’m talking about all those dear men  who make all those laws and stuff. I am sure they know what they are doing, but we could all do with a few tips from time to time couldn’t we, and half a million smackeroos sounds good to me, so what the hey, I’ve written a book just for them! Lovely!

October 19, 2012

Osborne pilots new economic plan

by philapilus
English: Virgin Trains Mk3 FO at Euston

“It would be better still if there were some way of making trains cheaper, and having some sort of nationwide network that made transport authorities accountable to government. I don’t even know what you would call that though; some sort of nationy industry-ey kind of thing.”

Champion of the People George Osborne today took advantage of his commuter journey to draw attention to a new government policy for stimulating the economy.

Given the failings of the coalition’s austerity regime, the Chancellor of the Exchequer decided that a new tactic was needed to complement the cuts in public spending. His new policy has been called ‘the not-paying-for-things initiative’.

Mr Osborne boarded a First Class carriage on a Virgin train, despite having only a standard class ticket, a practise which he is hoping will be rolled out across the country in the coming months. Upon arrival at Euston station he was delighted to see assembled members of the press, and spoke up about the plans.

“What I am hoping to show today,” Mr Osborne told reporters “Is that if we all just stop paying for stuff, then we’ll have more money. I was chatting to all those boffins in the treasury, and they kept presenting me with all these complex plans and options, which frankly were impossible to understand. They were just making me feel stressed and worried.

October 17, 2012

Downing Street plays down catfight

by philapilus
English: Fighting Cats

We’ve restaged the action using animals. No politicians’ wives were hurt in this re-enactment.

A late night catfight between the residents of Number 10 and Number 11 Downing Street has caused the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer some embarrassment this morning.

Both Mr Cameon and Mr Osborne were keen to play down the incident, which was captured in a photo and displayed on twitter.

Samantha Cameron and Frances Victoria Osborne apparently bumped into one another outside, whilst taking out the recycling, and after some angry words, the ongoing feud between the two women erupted into a no-holds-barred catfight.

A witness said “Sam came out and was like taking the piss out of how George was booed, right, at the Olympics innit? And Frances was all like, ‘shut yer face, cow’ and Sam was like ‘Make me, you slag’ and then they was at it for real, like hair-pulling and ripping clothes and proper having it out.”

September 17, 2012

Prince William: “Not enough is being said about my wife’s breasts”

by philapilus
prickly paddy melon (Cucumis myriocarpus), Wil...

Everyone likes melons

Prince William, the future King of Britain, has lashed out at the press and at common people around the world, for not showing enough interest in his wife Kate’s nipples.

In a statement released by the Royal couple today, William insisted that if Kate is indeed going to be Queen of the world’s ninety-sixth most important country, then people should jolly well start ogling her chest a bit more.

September 17, 2012

Country in shock at reports of theft in Manchester

by philapilus
English: Map of Manchester from 1801.

It would be incredibly unwise to point out that Manchester appears to have originated from the kind of massive vomit-splatter usually only found at bus-stops and outside all-night kebab shops

Post-Olympic spirit in the UK has plummeted from pride and nostalgia down to dumbfounded disbelief, as an unprecedented report suggests that quite a lot of people are taking things without paying for them – in Manchester of all places!

The city, famed throughout Britain for its culture, and its learned, mellifluous-voiced populace, has always been considered a bastion of crimeless civility.

But evidence shows that more music is pirated in Manchester than anywhere else in the country.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Council for Planning Permission and Musical Piracy Studies, said “It seems scarcely credible, but every hour Mancunians make more illegal downloads than the rest of the country does in a decade. To put that in context, the rate of theft is almost as high as the rate of headbuttings in Glasgow.”

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