Archive for ‘Uncategorized’

June 7, 2013

NSA using Google, Apple and Facebook to find the really good internet porn

by philapilus
Headquarters of the NSA at Fort Meade, Marylan...

More chicken-choking than a battery farm on fire

Civil liberties groups across the world have expressed outrage at news that the National Security Agency has been secretly accessing the systems of several of the most powerful internet companies.

The revelation that the NSA has collected data directly from online giants like Google and Facebook, was made by our sister news organ, the Grauniad, which also discovered that these nefarious espionage tactics had mostly been used to get hold of really high quality porn. 

Journalist Wendy Nailinthehead said

November 19, 2012

John Lewis ad proves UK is ready for apocalypse

by philapilus
English: Snowman

It doesn’t need your money, you stupid bastards; it just wants to live in your freezer

The nation’s tearful response to the John Lewis Christmas advert has proved conclusively that levels of emotional intelligence in Britain have plummeted below the ‘safe’ mark, and the only way forward is to destroy the country, according to a new study.

The Slough Recycling Centre’s Institute for Apocalypse Predictions, today presented its findings in a 300 page report, heavily recommending the unleashing of biologically engineered plague to wipe the slate clean.

Author of the Report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “This advert is essentially a very short programme in which one inanimate pile of frozen water is depicted in a series of tableaux, supposedly going to a shop to buy unnecessary garments for another inanimate pile of

October 31, 2012

Tips for Running the Country, by Pippa Middleton

by philapilus
Hot cross buns. Note: these are square buns fr...

Not just the princess’s sister: Pippa is also well known for her incredible buns

Hello everyone! Following the fab success of my party planner’s guide, ‘Celebrate’, I was approached again by Penguin, and offered another half million pounds to write another book. Isn’t that brilliant?!

After some meetings (which were lovely!), which we held in Claridge’s tearooms, we decided to do a book specially for all those brainiacs who keep us all so safe and happy with their brilliant ruling.

And I don’t mean just my sister! I’m talking about all those dear men  who make all those laws and stuff. I am sure they know what they are doing, but we could all do with a few tips from time to time couldn’t we, and half a million smackeroos sounds good to me, so what the hey, I’ve written a book just for them! Lovely!

October 19, 2012

Osborne pilots new economic plan

by philapilus
English: Virgin Trains Mk3 FO at Euston

“It would be better still if there were some way of making trains cheaper, and having some sort of nationwide network that made transport authorities accountable to government. I don’t even know what you would call that though; some sort of nationy industry-ey kind of thing.”

Champion of the People George Osborne today took advantage of his commuter journey to draw attention to a new government policy for stimulating the economy.

Given the failings of the coalition’s austerity regime, the Chancellor of the Exchequer decided that a new tactic was needed to complement the cuts in public spending. His new policy has been called ‘the not-paying-for-things initiative’.

Mr Osborne boarded a First Class carriage on a Virgin train, despite having only a standard class ticket, a practise which he is hoping will be rolled out across the country in the coming months. Upon arrival at Euston station he was delighted to see assembled members of the press, and spoke up about the plans.

“What I am hoping to show today,” Mr Osborne told reporters “Is that if we all just stop paying for stuff, then we’ll have more money. I was chatting to all those boffins in the treasury, and they kept presenting me with all these complex plans and options, which frankly were impossible to understand. They were just making me feel stressed and worried.

October 17, 2012

Downing Street plays down catfight

by philapilus
English: Fighting Cats

We’ve restaged the action using animals. No politicians’ wives were hurt in this re-enactment.

A late night catfight between the residents of Number 10 and Number 11 Downing Street has caused the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer some embarrassment this morning.

Both Mr Cameon and Mr Osborne were keen to play down the incident, which was captured in a photo and displayed on twitter.

Samantha Cameron and Frances Victoria Osborne apparently bumped into one another outside, whilst taking out the recycling, and after some angry words, the ongoing feud between the two women erupted into a no-holds-barred catfight.

A witness said “Sam came out and was like taking the piss out of how George was booed, right, at the Olympics innit? And Frances was all like, ‘shut yer face, cow’ and Sam was like ‘Make me, you slag’ and then they was at it for real, like hair-pulling and ripping clothes and proper having it out.”

September 17, 2012

Prince William: “Not enough is being said about my wife’s breasts”

by philapilus
prickly paddy melon (Cucumis myriocarpus), Wil...

Everyone likes melons

Prince William, the future King of Britain, has lashed out at the press and at common people around the world, for not showing enough interest in his wife Kate’s nipples.

In a statement released by the Royal couple today, William insisted that if Kate is indeed going to be Queen of the world’s ninety-sixth most important country, then people should jolly well start ogling her chest a bit more.

September 17, 2012

Country in shock at reports of theft in Manchester

by philapilus
English: Map of Manchester from 1801.

It would be incredibly unwise to point out that Manchester appears to have originated from the kind of massive vomit-splatter usually only found at bus-stops and outside all-night kebab shops

Post-Olympic spirit in the UK has plummeted from pride and nostalgia down to dumbfounded disbelief, as an unprecedented report suggests that quite a lot of people are taking things without paying for them – in Manchester of all places!

The city, famed throughout Britain for its culture, and its learned, mellifluous-voiced populace, has always been considered a bastion of crimeless civility.

But evidence shows that more music is pirated in Manchester than anywhere else in the country.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Council for Planning Permission and Musical Piracy Studies, said “It seems scarcely credible, but every hour Mancunians make more illegal downloads than the rest of the country does in a decade. To put that in context, the rate of theft is almost as high as the rate of headbuttings in Glasgow.”

September 10, 2012

Conservatives bond over runway plans

by philapilus
File:Qantas b747 over houses arp.jpg

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it the Tories about to spin into a nosedive, crashing and burning in a heavily built-up area?

As Cameron’s new cabinet settles down to its first full week of business, an air of optimism and fraternity (not to mention, sorority) is said to be presiding over Whitehall.

Whilst some tensions remain between the Lib Dems and the Tories, and indeed within the parties themselves, the one thing everyone has managed to agree on, is what to do about Heathrow Airport’s proposed third runway.

Long thought to be a contentious issue, it has become apparent that the problem has been resolved once and for all.

September 6, 2012

Judge “utterly bored” of life on the right side of the law

by philapilus
English: Mr. Justice Edmund Sheppard, ca. 1874...

“I was thinking I could wrap the ends over the lower half of my face, so that no one could identify me from CCTV. What do you reckon?”

Judge Peter Bowers surprised attendees at a hearing in Teeside Crown Court, when he admitted he was extremely jealous of the man he was meant to be sentencing.

Throughout the trial the judge was reportedly yawning with boredom whilst the prosecution wittered on about the emotional damage done to victims, but was on the edge of his seat with excitement whenever the crimes were described.

According to one of the jurors “When the guilty verdict was handed down, the judge shook his head at us, and called us a bunch of straight-laced fuckwits.”

The records show that Bowers turned to the accused and said “Ok, you did a crime, you robbed some houses. But I for one think you are fucking cool, man. I mean, totally badass.

August 30, 2012

“We all know wheelchair jousting would be bloody hilarious” says Mayor of London

by philapilus
Boris-johnson

A discombobulated mayor; Johnson discovered this morning to his horror that the Paralympic Games were not going to be anything like Robot Wars, and furthermore that he still has to attend.

Boris Johnson has today qualified his remarks about Paralympic basketball, in a statement which has only added to the ire of campaigners for disability awareness.

Johnson had previously said that basketball in wheelchairs was “So much better than the usual, you know, the other – the, oh what’s it called, you know the able-bodied sort. The main thing, or one of the main things, that makes the Paralympics one so good is how violent it all is, lots of bloody good smashing of metal on flesh, and cracking of bones. Good solid stuff. More like rugger. But with robots.”

But after receiving heavy criticism, the Mayor today attempted to play down the earlier comment, saying “Look here, the whole thing, um, the key thing, or one of the things that the Paralympics does is that – well, all these chaps are so brave, not just chaps, obviously not just chaps, but the, you know, the ladies as well. They are all terribly brave.

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