Archive for ‘Transport’

April 29, 2015

TfL boss forced to withdraw apology to Southeastern

by philapilus

“NOOOOO!!! PLEASE GOD NOOOOOOOOO!!”

Sir Peter Hendy has been ordered to withdraw his apology to Southeastern trains, after a court ruled that saying the company wasn’t completely awful constituted an attempt to mislead consumers.

Sir Peter, who called the operator ‘shit’ two weeks ago, subsequently apologised and retracted the comment, saying “I am truly sorry for my unfounded judgement. Let me be clear; Southeastern are not remotely shit”.

But after issuing this apology he was immediately prosecuted under The Trades Description Act, which

March 12, 2015

Millions back Clarkson in campaign for ‘freedom of violence’

by philapilus

“I am saddened by this infringement of my human rights” said Jeremy

Across the world this week millions of people have signed a petition in support of Jeremy Clarkson’s crusade for the right to punch colleagues in the workplace.

Having been villified, censured and suspended by the BBC, simply for gently attacking a co-worker, Jeremy ‘Jesus’ Clarkson has become the spearhead of a movement which aims to protect core human rights.

This morning Mr Clarkson said “If we let them stop us from punching each other in the head today, then tomorrow they’ll be telling us not to use racial slurs, and

January 13, 2015

MPs to run everything past children

by philapilus

MPs were surprised and dismayed to learn that ‘It’s quite long, and so will cost lots of money’

The government has announced its intention to run all policies past small children, after discovering that they are intellectually better equipped to spot the huge flaws that evade MPs.

The move comes after a 9-year old boy appeared before the HS2 committee and, according to one MP, “deftly explained in words of one syllable quite how fucking stupid the whole thing is.”

Tory MP Mike Ock said “We were all expecting this precocious little know-it-all to fall apart within seconds before our mighty scrutiny, and then we’d spend the rest of the day patronising the fuck out of him.

“But actually, he turned up, basically said ‘This is a pants plan’ and then went on to show us exactly why. It was

December 8, 2014

DfT: “UK road system ruined by immigration”

by philapilus

Bloody Bulgarians

The Department for Transport has issued nationwide warnings today, after it was revealed that Britain’s entire road system is close to collapse.

The DfT cites mass immigration as the major cause of congestion, with a recent influx of East Europeans causing particular havoc on motorways M1 through M9.

Foreigners jabbering away in their own lingo has brought the M25 to a standstill, whilst the M602 has completely disappeared near Salford because less than 50% of Londoners are listed as white British.

Observers say

November 26, 2014

All Tory MPs “initially trained as cabbies”

by philapilus

“You can get in if you like, but I’m not going South of the bloody river this time of night”

It has emerged that before entering Parliament all prospective Conservative candidates are required to spend at least a year working as taxi drivers.

After cabbies complained about the rudeness of former Cabinet Minister, David Mellor, Conservative HQ retorted that Mellor was “A master of the Hackney Carriage” and knew London “Like the back of his hand.”

Mellor was secretly recorded at the weekend, shouting at a taxi-driver that he could 

October 13, 2014

Osborne offering Eurostar to Cash Converters

by philapilus

Honestly Chancellor, me old mate; £255 is a fair price, and you won’t find anyone willing to offer more on a quick turnaround…”

George Osborne has instructed the Treasury to ask Cash Converters if they would be interested in taking the Eurostar off his hands.

The Chancellor announced this morning that he wants to try and cash-in the UK’s 40% of shares in the lucrative high-speed rail-link “For a quick fistful of folding money, to get the loansharks off my back. Know what I mean?”

The government’s plan to asset-strip the public

July 25, 2014

‘Oh NOW you want to get back together’ say ships

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1e/Flickr_-_ronsaunders47_-_NO_MORE_PLEASURE_TRIPS..jpg

“I’ve moved on. Figuratively speaking that is; I mean, I’ve just been sitting here for forty years. But the answer’s still no.”

Ships, ferries and waterborne vessels of all kinds laughed scornfully today, after passengers asked if they could please rekindle their broken relationship.

After yet another devastating plane crash yesterday, this time in Mali, everybody in the world did their normal thing of screaming and running around like headless chickens, then told airplanes it was over for good, and moments later rang up ships, sobbing and begging to be taken back.

Felicity Fergusson, a ferry who used to take people to the continent, before she and others like her were cruelly dumped, said “I thought our love was going to last forever. I mean, I worked my arse off for you. And along come planes, batting their big eyelashes, plumping up their big engines, and you ran away like I was

July 13, 2014

Motorists baffled by ‘eerily pleasant’ driving

by philapilus
File:Half-empty motorway - geograph.org.uk - 1140736.jpg

In unrelated news, apparently there’s some sort of football match on tonight or something?

Drivers expressed considerable surprise this evening, after the UK’s roads suddenly became relatively pleasant to use, on a day that – coincidentally – some sort of world sporting event is also happening.

Famed for being packed with speeding vehicles driven by complete arseholes, who show no apparent knowledge of the Highway Code or indeed basic human morality, Britain’s roads and motorways have generally been considered “roughly as pleasant as being given eye-surgery by a rabid badger, using only its teeth.”

But this evening, traffic moved at a relatively safe, almost legal pace, and instead of screaming and threatening one another, road-users passed on the country’s highways with barely more than an

May 28, 2014

Pedestrian covers self in cameras to catch out “bastard cyclists”

by philapilus

Universally recognised as the best people ever

After the success of self-appointed superhero-cyclist ‘Traffic Droid’ in capturing footage of bad drivers, a new pedestrian superhero has begun a campaign against “idiots on bikes”.

‘The Footman’, aka Tim Twanks, an unemployed cat-neuterer from Catford, said “It is my mission to bring to justice – or at least severely annoy – the legion of complete arsehole cyclists plaguing London’s streets.”

The Footman said he had been inspired by Traffic Droid’s “insufferable self-righteousness” to film every cyclist he saw going through red lights, failing to stop at ‘Stop’ signs, cycling on the pavement, riding without safety gear, lights or reflectors “and other assorted fuckwittery.”

Footman said “My life was miserable. Lacking

May 8, 2014

London cab drivers to do exactly the same as usual, in Uber protest

by philapilus
For the discriminating passenger who likes a bit of, well, discrimination

For the discriminating passenger who likes a bit of, well, discrimination

London’s black-cab drivers have threatened to continue to do what they always have, and bring the city centre into gridlocked chaos, to protest against the taxi company Uber.

Tim Twanks, head of the Licensed Taxi Drivers Association, said “In early June,  in order to show our deep resentment of TFL’s failure to curb Uber, we will make a concerted effort to be as slow and obstructive as we possibly can. And to drive our cabs slowly and obstructively as well. Very much like we do on a daily basis anyway.

“But this time we’ll mean it.”

Uber, an American multinational that has been favourably described as “probably not, on balance, more unpleasant than any other large faceless corporation”, says that

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