Archive for ‘Transport’

March 11, 2014

Bob Crow remembered

by philapilus
File:Boris Johnson Leo Johnson.jpg

“Me? Out celebrating? Certainly not! This is a very sad…HAHAHAHA, I’m sorry, I just can’t keep a straight face…”

After the death of Bob Crow in the early hours of this morning, many public figures have paid tribute to the RMT boss:

David Cameron: Bob was someone who stood up for what he thought was right, even though he was wrong, just like the bunch of cunts in the opposition. Especially Ed Balls. Bob would have converted though. So if you liked Bob Crow, or even if you didn’t, obviously vote Tory.

Ken Livingstone: I’ll always remember showing Bob my fantastic collection of newts. I said to him, ‘Bob, these are my newts’, and he said to me ‘Ken, that’s certainly a big collection of newts’ and I said ‘I’m so very glad you think so, do you like newts?’ and he said ‘No, not really’ and I said

February 26, 2014

DfT encourages cyclists to use motorways

by philapilus

If motorists and cyclists all took each other out, think how tranquil and beautiful our motorways could be…

In a somewhat unusual move, the Department for Transport has announced plans to legalise the use of bicycles on motorways, but only during peak times, and provided cyclists use the fast lane wherever possible.

The move follows an unusual incident in which police stopped a man cycling along the M25, having slavishly followed the directions of his SatNav, rather than the law, or common sense.

DfT spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “We have traditionally prevented cyclists from entering the motorway, because of the extreme likelihood of them being hit by a lorry and smeared across several miles of

February 18, 2014

Pavement squiggles ‘keeping the demons in’ says BBC

by philapilus

‘Inter-dimensional spiritual warzone ahead’

In an important piece of reporting, that experts have confirmed “is definitively not suggestive of it being a slow news week”, the BBC has successfully uncovered why workmen spray strange graffiti onto the pavement.

Phil Noose, chief news-fill correspondent, said “You might think that all those yellow and red numbers, dotted lines and poorly-formed letters amateurishly sprayed onto the tarmac represent some sort of workmen’s shorthand, indicating where pipes and cables are, and so forth.

“But the truth is far more complex and disturbing. Those shuffling, swearing, gorilla-like men, with their hard-hats and pneumatic drills, are engaged in

February 7, 2014

RMT celebrates decisive victory

by philapilus
Bob Crow said he was delighted this morning, after two days of extensive striking by London Underground staff achieved “more than we ever dreamed possible.”
As news broke that literally all the demands of staff had been met, and that furthermore every employee would be given a Ferrari, and that they definitely weren’t going to be fired anymore, union members celebrated the genius and leadership of Crow.
Speaking from a five-star hotel on the moon, where he was munching five-star moon-lobster, the rotund unionist and darling of Britain’s lovably insane right wing press said “Obviously I
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February 5, 2014

Joyful London declares ‘Bob Crow for Mayor’

by philapilus

‘You utter bastards’

Many Londoners were ecstatic this morning in their support for Bob Crow and striking Underground workers, and called for immediate elections, to install the rotund trade unionist as mayor.

Striking London Underground employee, Cob Brow, said “Bob is the best of us. He nestles us in his rolls of flesh like a mother hen taking chicks under her wing.

“If it wasn’t for this brilliant and meaningful strike, which will achieve all our goals in one fell swoop, we would be hurled into the indifferent maw of the BoJo monster.”

But not everyone shared this

January 7, 2014

New 60 mph speed limit ‘threat to humanity’

by unpseudable

Blah, blah, blah, fast cars, blah, blah, blah, cute little bunny, blah, blah, blah, finished it off with a tyre iron

Proposals for a 32 mile section of the M1 to be restricted to 60 mph have been hailed by drivers as a potential precursor to the coming apocalypse.  Whilst the move is ostensibly being put forward to tackle air pollution, some see it as the ushering in of a new satanic totalitarian state.

Nick Dobend, spokesperson for Driving Is Cool, Keep Speediness, said, “This is the thin end of the wedge, opening up the way for the government to take our homes and children, and – God forbid – our cars.  It’s yet another example of the nanny state meddling in people’s God-given right to drive as they wish.  We predict the collapse of western civilization by Thursday morning. 

December 2, 2013

People still not riding to work on unicorns, says report

by philapilus
English: Tank!

How many KFC staff do you see rocking up in one of these?

The RAC Foundation has produced a report showing that most people are continuing to use traditional modes of transport, such as cars or buses, rather than riding on griffins, unicorns, or pegasi.

A spokesperson said “To our complete surprise, commuting in England and Wales is still generally done by car, train, bus… you know, things like that.

“Fewer than 1% of all commuters ride mythical creatures, less than 250 people within the M25 area arrive at the office on a combine harvester, and almost no one within urban conurbations sails to work in 19th century paddle steamers.

“This goes to show that when it comes to commuting, this

November 21, 2013

London Underground workers to be redesignated as gladiators

by philapilus
A deserted Temple Station platform - rush hour...

On the Tube no one can hear you scream

TfL has unveiled exciting new cuts to London Underground, which will involve closing every single ticket office, bringing staff out from the relative safety of their glass-fronted booths, and then pitting them against the aggressive, murderous hordes of London commuters.

At a press conference this morning, Mayor of London Boris Johnson said “Actually I… I… I think that this is going to be hugely popular, and um, you know very… very um, entertaining.

“It’s going to, you know, save us several million quid, and make for some great Youtube footage of our chaps and chapesses being, well, set upon I suppose.”

The revamp will also see lines run 24 hours a day at

October 29, 2013

Southern England blown into Atlantic by storm

by philapilus
The North-South divide in the United Kingdom

Experts say that it will take months for the St Jude-battered country to return to it’s normal colour

The entire South of England, as well as parts of Wales and the West country, were last night being towed back to the mainland, after monster storm St Jude ripped them loose and hurled them hundreds of miles out to sea.

Although the search has been called off for still-missing parts of Hampshire and Kent, rescue-ships were jubilant this morning to discover the Isle of Wight, which had been swirling round and round in a whirlpool about 80 miles off the coast of Ireland.

Estimates of the economic cost of the storm, which veteran weatherman Michael Fish called ‘the embodiment of evil personified’, have been increasing hourly, but Minister for

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