Archive for ‘Television’

July 13, 2014

Motorists baffled by ‘eerily pleasant’ driving

by philapilus
File:Half-empty motorway - geograph.org.uk - 1140736.jpg

In unrelated news, apparently there’s some sort of football match on tonight or something?

Drivers expressed considerable surprise this evening, after the UK’s roads suddenly became relatively pleasant to use, on a day that - coincidentally - some sort of world sporting event is also happening.

Famed for being packed with speeding vehicles driven by complete arseholes, who show no apparent knowledge of the Highway Code or indeed basic human morality, Britain’s roads and motorways have generally been considered “roughly as pleasant as being given eye-surgery by a rabid badger, using only its teeth.”

But this evening, traffic moved at a relatively safe, almost legal pace, and instead of screaming and threatening one another, road-users passed on the country’s highways with barely more than an

June 19, 2014

MPs delighted as man who asked difficult questions retires

by philapilus

big nasty man with clever brain has to go away now

Politicians breathed a sigh of relief yesterday, after Jeremy Paxman presented Newsnight for the last time ever.

Many MPs heralded “A new dawn” and “A golden age for politics”, and enthused over the possibilities of giving interviews in which they will no longer have to say anything they don’t want to.

Michael Howard, who famously tussled with the presenter over a refusal to answer a question which threatened to reveal what a

May 13, 2014

General public asks to consult on Richard and Judy death-pact

by philapilus

Tough on sofas, tough on the causes of sofas

After Judy Finnigan and Richard Madeley announced their decision to assist one another’s death in the event of serious illness, TV viewers across the UK have asked if they can be part of the decision-making process.

Unemployed daytime-television aficionado Tim Twanks said “I have seen a LOT of Richard and Judy over the years, and as such I feel I should be offered an equal say in the matter of their assisted deaths.

“My recommendation is that we euthanise them both. Now.”

Asked why he had continued to

May 2, 2014

Clarkson: “Top Gear should be more like Pimp My Ride”

by philapilus

But he always seemed like such a fair-minded, thoughtful sort of chap

Jeremy Clarkson has defended his use of the N-word in un-aired Top Gear footage as “Part of my strategy to appeal to the more ‘streetwise’ youth demographic.”

Clarkson had initially denied using the word, but later admitted it and apologised, whilst insisting he had “done everything a human being could possibly do to avoid using it, short of ripping off my head and shitting down my own neck-hole.

“Seriously, it was physically and mentally impossible for me not to use the word, and I should not be judged for it now.”

But this morning, Clarkson again

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 24, 2014

British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a

March 18, 2014

Missing plane MH370 was carrying the news

by philapilus

“Stop the press. Literally.”

After 10 days of not being able to find the news, news agencies around the world have realised that most – in fact probably all – of it was on board the missing jet, MH370.

The Malaysian Airlines flight vanished without trace on 8th March, the exact same date that almost all the news disappeared. Until now this was thought to be a coincidence.

But news-sleuth, Crapname Morse, said “After wide-ranging searches, undertaken by the international community, we have concluded that the missing news was on board the missing plane, which is why there hasn’t been any other news since it went off the radar.

“Our only

March 3, 2014

Susanna Reid’s knickers move to ITV

by philapilus

“No one cares about Bill Turnbull’s, no matter how many pairs he has”

Ardent followers of the news have declared their intentions to switch from BBC to ITV, in protest against the corporation’s “continual dumbing down and anti-government bias”, in a switch which it is claimed has “Nothing to do with Susanna Reid’s knickers”.

Watchers insisted today that it was a complete coincidence that ITV has just successfully poached the popular BBC presenter for its new breakfast programme.

Last year a study found that Susanna Reid, who occasionally wears short dresses, and crosses her legs, is the favoured morning news presenter of most British men, for her “excellent, fluent and no-nonsense delivery of information in an objective manner.”

The study found “absolutely no correlation” between fans of Reid’s hard-nosed journalism, and the vast number of Google searches performed every day for flashes of

February 25, 2014

Arizona to become “1950s World” theme park

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/George_Takei_Sulu_Star_Trek.JPG

“In the 1950s they’d NEVER have sunk so low as to let a Goddamn Jap pilot a spaceship”

The State of Arizona is set to become the world’s biggest tourist attraction, under ambitious plans that will see the clocks turned back to the mid-20th century.

All that is needed is for Governor Jan Brewer to sign a bill, SB 1062, into law which will allow business owners to refuse service to gay people, and the process of setting up the statewide theme park will be complete.

Randy Jerkoff, Director of the ’1950s World’ initiative, said “Everyone loves the 1950s. China was weak, cars were brilliant, women wore dresses, young people had proper-length hair, and there wasn’t so much as a whiff of a single hippie, let alone the godawful social revolutions to come.

“Well from now on, when you come to Arizona, you

February 25, 2014

Ghosts pay tribute to worthy adversary Spengler

by philapilus
Alt_Telefon

You can try, but he won’t be answering

Tributes from the ghost community have been flooding in, after the tragic early death of parapsychologist, Egon Spengler.

The ghosbuster passed away today after longstanding health problems.

Departed spirit, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, described Spengler as “A true gentleman, a valiant foe, and one of the smartest people who ever killed me. Killed me again, I mean.”

Evil godlike-being, Gozer, said “He

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