Archive for ‘Television’

October 13, 2014

New Bob the Builder has tattoos and big arsecrack

by philapilus

“Can we fix it? Welllllll I dunno; not sure if I can get the parts, and I’m fully booked up till February now”

Mattel has announced a redesign of its Hit Entertainment character, Bob the Builder, causing an outcry amongst the franchise’s wide fanbase.

The new incarnation sees Bob’s physique – specifically his oversized, melon-like head and scrunched up little body – redesigned to more realistic proportions, and then covered in poor-quality tattoos.

Mattel say Bob will also sport “a deep-arse cleavage, and will

October 9, 2014

GBBO win for ex-PM Major

by philapilus

The judges singled out Major’s ‘Maastricht Muffins’ as one of this year’s highlights

Sir John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” after his victory in yesterday’s final of the 2014 Great British Bake Off.

Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood agreed that the former Conservative prime minister had been “Ahead of the competition from the start.

“His technique and

October 8, 2014

Dad’s Army movie to star Brand, LaBoeuf, and other A-listers

by philapilus

The dour, miserabilist Scot, Private Frazer, will be played by Alex Salmond, who has been whining ‘We’re doomed!’ over and over for a couple of weeks now

An all-star cast has been announced for the  big-screen remake of Dad’s Army, ending months of excited speculation.

Director Oliver Parker said “The feel of the classic sitcom, which followed the comedic mishaps of elderly Home Guard recruits in WW2, will permeate the new film, and our cast reflects that.

“The lead part of

September 8, 2014

Britain “Completely fine with austerity if it means we’re like Downton”

by philapilus

“I will work for free if you let me touch the building – even if its only the outside”

Frances O’Grady’s attempt to rouse the British masses against rising inequality has backfired, after the TUC leader warned Britain was becoming like Downton Abbey – at which point the whole country said “Well that’s all right then!”

Unemployed builder Tim Twanks said “I’ve been fucking mad about the social unfairness and the divide between rich and poor since I lost my job. But I hadn’t twigged it was all just like it is in Downton. Now I feel quite upbeat about the whole thing.

“My daily financial misery is

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

August 26, 2014

Salmond ‘wins’ independence debate that no one listened to

by philapilus

“I will crush his pudgy little head”

Political commentators have agreed that Alex Salmond should be declared the victor of last night’s televised Scottish independence debate “for the sake of balance”, after the First Minister’s previous drubbing at the hands of Alistair Darling.The general feeling amonsgt attending journalists and pundits was that “As no one heard a word either man said – because we all fell asleep the moment it started – we thought we’d just give it to Alex this time, to even things out.”

Terry Thomas, political analyst for some shitty newspaper with ‘Mail’ in the title, represented the general consensus when he said “I fell asleep during the first one too, but gave it to Alistair because he’s thinner, and I fucking hate little fat men. But then my sister, who is fat, told me that was

August 7, 2014

Brits ‘now too stupid to sleep’

by philapilus

“This just helps me make sure I don’t miss anything on my iPad”

A new study by Ofcom has found that adults in the UK no longer know how to switch off electronic devices and close their eyes for a bit.

The report found that more time is spent using technology than sleeping, which experts have labelled “Unbelievably fucking stupid”.

Mike Ock, High-tech Thingy Researcher for Ofcom said “I am typing this on my 4G phone. I haven’t switched it off or closed my eyes in five weeks.

“I keep seeing things that

August 5, 2014

Bat symbol seen in London skies

by philapilus

Let’s just hope he didn’t have one of his notorious panic attacks and hide behind his girlfriend again…

Londoners were shocked and awed last night, after a powerful beam of light projected the Bat signal into the brooding clouds above Westminster.

The cloud symbol, which is the traditional and established method of contacting the elusive caped crusader in times of dire need, was visible from an impressive 15km away.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who has ‘DC comics 4eva’ tattooed across her chest, said “I immediately ran down to Victoria Tower Gardens to catch

July 13, 2014

Motorists baffled by ‘eerily pleasant’ driving

by philapilus
File:Half-empty motorway - geograph.org.uk - 1140736.jpg

In unrelated news, apparently there’s some sort of football match on tonight or something?

Drivers expressed considerable surprise this evening, after the UK’s roads suddenly became relatively pleasant to use, on a day that – coincidentally – some sort of world sporting event is also happening.

Famed for being packed with speeding vehicles driven by complete arseholes, who show no apparent knowledge of the Highway Code or indeed basic human morality, Britain’s roads and motorways have generally been considered “roughly as pleasant as being given eye-surgery by a rabid badger, using only its teeth.”

But this evening, traffic moved at a relatively safe, almost legal pace, and instead of screaming and threatening one another, road-users passed on the country’s highways with barely more than an

June 19, 2014

MPs delighted as man who asked difficult questions retires

by philapilus

big nasty man with clever brain has to go away now

Politicians breathed a sigh of relief yesterday, after Jeremy Paxman presented Newsnight for the last time ever.

Many MPs heralded “A new dawn” and “A golden age for politics”, and enthused over the possibilities of giving interviews in which they will no longer have to say anything they don’t want to.

Michael Howard, who famously tussled with the presenter over a refusal to answer a question which threatened to reveal what a

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