Archive for ‘Television’

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 24, 2014

British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a

March 18, 2014

Missing plane MH370 was carrying the news

by philapilus

“Stop the press. Literally.”

After 10 days of not being able to find the news, news agencies around the world have realised that most – in fact probably all – of it was on board the missing jet, MH370.

The Malaysian Airlines flight vanished without trace on 8th March, the exact same date that almost all the news disappeared. Until now this was thought to be a coincidence.

But news-sleuth, Crapname Morse, said “After wide-ranging searches, undertaken by the international community, we have concluded that the missing news was on board the missing plane, which is why there hasn’t been any other news since it went off the radar.

“Our only

March 3, 2014

Susanna Reid’s knickers move to ITV

by philapilus

“No one cares about Bill Turnbull’s, no matter how many pairs he has”

Ardent followers of the news have declared their intentions to switch from BBC to ITV, in protest against the corporation’s “continual dumbing down and anti-government bias”, in a switch which it is claimed has “Nothing to do with Susanna Reid’s knickers”.

Watchers insisted today that it was a complete coincidence that ITV has just successfully poached the popular BBC presenter for its new breakfast programme.

Last year a study found that Susanna Reid, who occasionally wears short dresses, and crosses her legs, is the favoured morning news presenter of most British men, for her “excellent, fluent and no-nonsense delivery of information in an objective manner.”

The study found “absolutely no correlation” between fans of Reid’s hard-nosed journalism, and the vast number of Google searches performed every day for flashes of

February 25, 2014

Arizona to become “1950s World” theme park

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/George_Takei_Sulu_Star_Trek.JPG

“In the 1950s they’d NEVER have sunk so low as to let a Goddamn Jap pilot a spaceship”

The State of Arizona is set to become the world’s biggest tourist attraction, under ambitious plans that will see the clocks turned back to the mid-20th century.

All that is needed is for Governor Jan Brewer to sign a bill, SB 1062, into law which will allow business owners to refuse service to gay people, and the process of setting up the statewide theme park will be complete.

Randy Jerkoff, Director of the ’1950s World’ initiative, said “Everyone loves the 1950s. China was weak, cars were brilliant, women wore dresses, young people had proper-length hair, and there wasn’t so much as a whiff of a single hippie, let alone the godawful social revolutions to come.

“Well from now on, when you come to Arizona, you

February 25, 2014

Ghosts pay tribute to worthy adversary Spengler

by philapilus
Alt_Telefon

You can try, but he won’t be answering

Tributes from the ghost community have been flooding in, after the tragic early death of parapsychologist, Egon Spengler.

The ghosbuster passed away today after longstanding health problems.

Departed spirit, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, described Spengler as “A true gentleman, a valiant foe, and one of the smartest people who ever killed me. Killed me again, I mean.”

Evil godlike-being, Gozer, said “He

February 25, 2014

PISTORIUS ON TRIAL: the series!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus
Oscar_Pistorius,_the_first_round_of_the_400m_at_the_London_2012_Olympic_Games

Running prosthetics, or WEAPONS OF DEATH attached to a MURDERER?!?! We’ll help you decide!!!!

Do YOU like DRAMATIC NEWS made EASY TO UNDERSTAND and EXCITING????

PISTORIUS! The NAME that’s at the HEART of the ENIGMA wrapped in a CONUNDRUM that’s a DID HE/DIDN’T HE that can hold its own against ANY TRIAL of the last 100 YEARS!!!!

PISTORIUS! You’ve heard the RUMOUR, the OPINION, the GUESSES, now hear…THE TRUTH!!!!

PISTORIUS! The EVIDENCE is COMING OUT, the

February 7, 2014

Showbiz News: Leno’s chin bows out

by philapilus

‘Like a misplaced camel’s hump’

Jay Leno’s chin has announced its retirement, after 22 years of presenting the Tonight Show.

The chin recorded the show’s last ever episode, which featured a star-studded selection of guests, and thanked viewers for their loyalty.

The chin’s agent said “Jay Leno’s chin will be spending some time away from Leno, as creative differences have led to a rift over the last few years, and they both feel that they need their

February 5, 2014

Big Benefits Row voted best television programme of 2014

by philapilus

‘Phwooaarr!’ as John Major used to say. Not just a hottie, but she knows what she’s talking about, too.

Channel 5′s Big Benefits Row, and its presenter, Matthew Wright, have been given special one-off  awards by BAFTA, in recognition of the enormous and profound impact on the issue of welfare reform that the programme achieved.

A statement from BAFTA said that “Matthew Wright presided over a calm, measured, and insightful debate, which he masterfully arbitrated.

“The titular ‘row’ was more of an exercise in Socratic method, with Wright helping an audience of extremely well-qualified celebrities to reach such important and unarguably correct conclusions, that Iain Duncan Smith himself has

January 30, 2014

Jim Davidson voted celebrity ‘people most want to disappear’

by philapilus

‘It’s how we got rid of the Chuckle Brothers’

The public unanimously agreed yesterday that Jim Davidson was the celebrity who they most wanted “to fuck off and never come back”.

Davidson was announced as the ‘winner’ of Celebrity Big Brother; the nation’s official way of trying to keep someone segregated from the rest of the country, and shut up in a house for as long as possible.

Media Analyst Rick Head said

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