Archive for ‘Technology’

September 30, 2015

North Carolina redefines the concept of age

by unpseudable
Neil Young

You see, it can be confusing *

North Carolina’s legal system has successfully transcended logic with the recent prosecution of two children as adults for exploiting children who were themselves.

Facing up to ten years imprisonment for the possession of revealing selfies, the accused ultimately accepted plea bargains, requiring them to do community service.

Prosecutor, Nick Dobend, expressed his thoughts on the result: “Well, of course I was gunning for a custodial sentence, but we sure did teach them kids a lesson! Oh yeah, I know all those whiny liberals think it must be some kinda big hoax. But they don’t seem to get that these laws are there so that we can prosecute our children.

“Protect or prosecute? Well, one or the other.

June 18, 2015

Millions unable to enjoy porn properly because of broadband speed

by philapilus

‘Half the time there’s no point even plugging the fucking thing in’

Consumer watchdog Which? has discovered that the vast majority of UK homes are not getting the broadband speed they are paying for, seriously limiting their enjoyment of HD adult material, online gambling, and pictures of goats (the latter not necessarily separately from the adult material).

With evidence suggesting that BT and TalkTalk failed to provide the advertised top speed to even 10% of their customers, Which? has brought the matter to Ofcom, who are now investigating the UK’s lack of access to “the really nasty stuff”.

Which? spokesman Percy Spoke said “Our tests found

June 2, 2015

‘Robot cheetahs definitely not a bad idea’ say scientists

by philapilus

They live only to serve us. Probably.

Scientists presenting a robot cheetah at the DARPA Robotics Challenge this weekend have said there is no chance that the autonomous deathbots represent any kind of threat.

Head roboticist Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “These sleek, mechanised beings can move at great speed, avoid obstacles with ease, and tear through flesh and bone as easily as you or I might through blancmange. They’re almost certainly harmless though. Probably. I mean, why

April 28, 2015

RAF to buy Spitfire as riposte to Russian display of might

by philapilus

This is probably fine, right? Nothing to worry about?

As Russia prepares for the world’s biggest ever military parade, the RAF has announced its intention to purchase a renovated WW2 Spitfire, in a retaliatory show of force.

Whilst Russia’s WW2 celebratory parade will showcase new tanks, ICBM missiles, devices for torturing Ukrainians, and hundreds of T-1000 terminators, Britain will be saving really hard to bolster its own arsenal with a 70-year old plane made of aluminium.

An MoD spokesman said “The RAF – like all our armed services – has

December 23, 2014

North Korea temporarily unable to access Kim Jong-un pictures

by philapilus

Coping without the famous Putin vs Kim Jong-il dance-off video has been particularly gruelling

North Korean internet ground to a halt yesterday and the country remained offline for nearly ten hours, causing severe disruption to citizens’ enjoyment of articles about Kim Jong-un.

The secretive country has a vibrant and growing internet culture, consisting entirely of websites featuring the Dear Leader posing with cats, ‘FAIL’ Gifs of service personnel pratfalling in front of him, and ripped-off adult films in which his chubby little face is poorly super-imposed over Peter North’s.

As the row over the Sony cyber-attack deepens, many commentators have suggested the

December 16, 2014

Microbes from 2km below the ocean floor “just like us”

by philapilus

You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit

The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.

Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely

December 3, 2014

Hawking unexpectedly recants anti-AI position

by philapilus

“This-one-helps-me-around-the-house” said Professor Hawkins

Stephen Hawking this morning retracted his drastic warnings about the chances of Artificial Intelligence wiping out mankind, and announced that in fact AI is “The-most-completely-brilliant-thing-ever.”

Hawking had called a press conference to explain more fully the dangers of technology, but as soon as he started speaking the renowned physicist’s electronic chair unexpectedly lurched forward toward a precipice.

Speaking through his electronic voice computer Hawking said “No-no-no-please-no-I-take-that-back-AI-is

November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most inspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared inspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of shoppers in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately

November 28, 2014

Ukip: ‘Immigration not as big a deal as we thought’

by philapilus

Not a minaret

Ukip admitted today that they had vastly overestimated the extent of the “infiltration of other cultures”, after it transpired that 82% of all things they had thought were mosques weren’t.

A spokesman said “Turns out Westminster Cathedral isn’t a mosque! Nor is Blenheim Palace, the London Eye, or Stonehenge.

“Even Charlie Brooker is not a mosque. We’ve

October 28, 2014

Met Office gets supercomputer to access best adult sites

by philapilus

Like a big swirly nipple

Weather forecasters have hailed the announcement of a new Met supercomputer as “An end to the drudgery of the job, and of making do with the Sunday Sport during ‘toilet’ breaks”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough Institute of Meteorology said  “The £97m computer will allow minute fluctuations in weather to be predicted with an extraordinary degree of pinpoint accuracy, whilst simultaneously allowing you to ogle – and indeed Google – Needy Milfs.

“Cracking stuff.”

The Met Office decided


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