Archive for ‘Technology’

July 15, 2014

MoD ‘unsure’ whether stealth fighter is at Farnborough or not

by philapilus

Fuck knows where it is

After reports that Britain’s new £70m stealth fighter, the F-35, would not make it to the opening of the Farnborough International Airshow, the MoD has been forced to admit that it has no idea where the plane actually is.

Air Vice-Marshal Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines said “Well, we did put about this rot about having to delay its debut because of some engine fire in a test model, but to be quite frank with you, we haven’t an earthly clue where the bally thing is.

“Damn plane is stealth, isn’t it? Bloody problem right there, if you think about it, what? Once the old stealth mode’s on, can’t find the blighter.

“I mean, we’re saying it won’t be

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

May 7, 2014

Beginning of Universe recreated in lab by Christian physicists

by philapilus
'Let there be light'

‘Let there be light’

An astonishingly detailed recreation of the evolution of the universe has been unveiled by a team of internationally renowned religious scientists.

The group, led by Reverend Professor Woody Dicks, have created a computer simulation, which they say matches the available data with such breathtaking accuracy that it is considered “completely impossible” for it to contain a single flaw.

Dicks said “We even solved the problem of Dark Matter, which has puzzled the atheists for years. But if you watch the simulation carefully, you’ll see that right at the start of the video, it’s really, really, really dark.

“Good, eh?”

The simulation begins with an

April 28, 2014

‘Oh my god will you just STOP sending me sodding Candy Crush invites?’ says everyone

by philapilus

‘This could be the end of a beautiful friendship’

There was a huge Facebook backlash yesterday, as thousands of members finally lost it after being invited to play Candy Crush Saga for the 458th time.

Many users left the site altogether, others posted statuses such as “Ask again and I will kill you”, “If I didn’t accept when you first asked me two months ago, why the sh*tt*ng f*ck would I now?” and the succinct, if desperate, “I will hunt you down and run over your legs with a lawn-mower”.

Inventor of Candy Crush Saga, Dr Ken Unterman, said “I had an awful childhood. Now it’s your turn to suffer. And guess what? Here come seven new versions of the game! Screw you all.”

Wendy Nailinthehead, an

April 15, 2014

Cyberthieves commit suicide after reading through Mumsnet data

by philapilus

Police have confirmed that Heartbleed hackers have been killing themselves in droves, after actually reading some of the data they stole from the Mumsnet website’s sorority.

About to unleash hell on another member who thinks disposable nappies are a bad idea

A suicide note left by super-hacker, Hackassassin, said “I am a 32-stone, unemployed, X-Box addict. Dark cycnicism, and engaging in online squabbles about Game of Thrones and Titanfall have been my stock in trade, and subsequently I have suffered from nihilistic, self-loathing depression all my life.

“But it wasn’t until I read through the Mumsnet messages that I truly knew existential despair. Goodbye, cruel

January 24, 2014

Facebook “finest campaigning force for good known to man”

by philapilus

Facebook has discovered that this activity, which it has provisionally called ‘whaling’, has been going on for centuries!

After a recent Facebook campaign drew attention to the plight of pilot whales, which are brutally slaughtered by Faroe islanders in an annual killing spree, the social media site has been labelled “the only way anyone will ever find anything out from now on”.

Wendy Nailinthehead, self-described ‘born again environmentalist’ said “Normally I spend my evenings eating Wotsits, watching Downton Abbey, and wanking in the bath, but yesterday I saw this Facebook page about bloodthirsty Danish people killing whales

“It takes place in the land of Faraway Islands, or something, and it’s just really nasty. Well, I took immediate action. I fired off a ‘Like’ for the page campaigning against it, and commented ‘DISlike’, with an 

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

December 10, 2013

Miller explains decision to stand down at 2015 election

by articulatedsheep

Andrew Miller, MP for Ellesmere Port and Neston, has explained his reasons for standing down from his seat at the 2015 General Election.

Miller: "was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben"

Miller: “was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben”

Mr. Miller, currently chair of the Commons Science and Technology Select Committee, has represented the Cheshire seat since 1992.

“I am actually mechanical, and am operated by a tiny man who sits in my belly, controlling my movements via a complicated system of weights and pulleys.” said the MP, explaining his decision. “As you will appreciate, keeping up this ruse for more than twenty years has been particularly wearing, and I think I deserve a bit of a rest before moving on.”

Miller, whose long-standing interest in science issues is said to derive from the need to understand and better refine his complex internal workings, is constructed from a fibre-glass shell, which covers a lightweight aluminium endoskeleton. Ancillary power is provided by a cluster of lithium batteries which need to be surreptitiously recharged via a cable located under his left arm.

November 18, 2013

Public asks Google and Microsoft: ‘Why the shitting hell didn’t you do that before?’

by philapilus
2 x IBM PC XTs

Microsoft said yesterday that it has ‘rethought’ the ‘Great For Kiddyfiddle Pics!’ slogan used to advertise early versions of its Operating System.

After Google and Microsoft announced joint measures to make it harder to find images of child abuse online, literally everyone has responded by saying in unison “Ok…so why exactly didn’t you do that before, you fucking pricks?”

A spokesman for the partnership project, Percy Spoke, said “Our set of new algorithms will ensure that many inappropriate searches no longer return images of sexual abuse, and instead a big shiny message will pop up, saying ‘Oh you naughty thing, you!’

“We thought we might include a funny GIF of a well-known and trusted celebrity waggling a finger. Someone everyone loves, and who has worked with children; you know, someone like Jimmy Savile.”

As the incredibly

November 6, 2013

Microsoft warns of imminent ‘computer-based apocalypse’

by philapilus
Kismet, a robot with rudimentary social skills

‘It never really occurred to us *not* to give him machine guns for hands’

Microsoft has today issued a statement warning that it has discovered a vulnerability in its systems, which will bring about the decimation of the human race at the hands of giant killer-robots.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Unfortunately our operating sytems have been hacked, and the terminals taken over, by an artificial intelligence which controls a certain percentage of the US military’s offensive and defensive capabilities.

“Um, all of it, in fact.

“Very large robots, which were developed for shelf-stacking in the supermarket and warehouse industry, and

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