Archive for ‘Technology’

April 15, 2014

Cyberthieves commit suicide after reading through Mumsnet data

by philapilus

Police have confirmed that Heartbleed hackers have been killing themselves in droves, after actually reading some of the data they stole from the Mumsnet website’s sorority.

About to unleash hell on another member who thinks disposable nappies are a bad idea

A suicide note left by super-hacker, Hackassassin, said “I am a 32-stone, unemployed, X-Box addict. Dark cycnicism, and engaging in online squabbles about Game of Thrones and Titanfall have been my stock in trade, and subsequently I have suffered from nihilistic, self-loathing depression all my life.

“But it wasn’t until I read through the Mumsnet messages that I truly knew existential despair. Goodbye, cruel

January 24, 2014

Facebook “finest campaigning force for good known to man”

by philapilus

Facebook has discovered that this activity, which it has provisionally called ‘whaling’, has been going on for centuries!

After a recent Facebook campaign drew attention to the plight of pilot whales, which are brutally slaughtered by Faroe islanders in an annual killing spree, the social media site has been labelled “the only way anyone will ever find anything out from now on”.

Wendy Nailinthehead, self-described ‘born again environmentalist’ said “Normally I spend my evenings eating Wotsits, watching Downton Abbey, and wanking in the bath, but yesterday I saw this Facebook page about bloodthirsty Danish people killing whales

“It takes place in the land of Faraway Islands, or something, and it’s just really nasty. Well, I took immediate action. I fired off a ‘Like’ for the page campaigning against it, and commented ‘DISlike’, with an 

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

December 10, 2013

Miller explains decision to stand down at 2015 election

by articulatedsheep

Andrew Miller, MP for Ellesmere Port and Neston, has explained his reasons for standing down from his seat at the 2015 General Election.

Miller: "was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben"

Miller: “was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben”

Mr. Miller, currently chair of the Commons Science and Technology Select Committee, has represented the Cheshire seat since 1992.

“I am actually mechanical, and am operated by a tiny man who sits in my belly, controlling my movements via a complicated system of weights and pulleys.” said the MP, explaining his decision. “As you will appreciate, keeping up this ruse for more than twenty years has been particularly wearing, and I think I deserve a bit of a rest before moving on.”

Miller, whose long-standing interest in science issues is said to derive from the need to understand and better refine his complex internal workings, is constructed from a fibre-glass shell, which covers a lightweight aluminium endoskeleton. Ancillary power is provided by a cluster of lithium batteries which need to be surreptitiously recharged via a cable located under his left arm.

November 18, 2013

Public asks Google and Microsoft: ‘Why the shitting hell didn’t you do that before?’

by philapilus
2 x IBM PC XTs

Microsoft said yesterday that it has ‘rethought’ the ‘Great For Kiddyfiddle Pics!’ slogan used to advertise early versions of its Operating System.

After Google and Microsoft announced joint measures to make it harder to find images of child abuse online, literally everyone has responded by saying in unison “Ok…so why exactly didn’t you do that before, you fucking pricks?”

A spokesman for the partnership project, Percy Spoke, said “Our set of new algorithms will ensure that many inappropriate searches no longer return images of sexual abuse, and instead a big shiny message will pop up, saying ‘Oh you naughty thing, you!’

“We thought we might include a funny GIF of a well-known and trusted celebrity waggling a finger. Someone everyone loves, and who has worked with children; you know, someone like Jimmy Savile.”

As the incredibly

November 6, 2013

Microsoft warns of imminent ‘computer-based apocalypse’

by philapilus
Kismet, a robot with rudimentary social skills

‘It never really occurred to us *not* to give him machine guns for hands’

Microsoft has today issued a statement warning that it has discovered a vulnerability in its systems, which will bring about the decimation of the human race at the hands of giant killer-robots.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Unfortunately our operating sytems have been hacked, and the terminals taken over, by an artificial intelligence which controls a certain percentage of the US military’s offensive and defensive capabilities.

“Um, all of it, in fact.

“Very large robots, which were developed for shelf-stacking in the supermarket and warehouse industry, and

November 5, 2013

India to feed the poor with Martian rocks

by philapilus

 

Less is More  mars and the moon

‘Provided they’re made of paneer, we’re onto a winner’

The Indian Space Research Organisation has defended its decision to send a spacecraft to Mars, citing the vast number of edible rocks it will eventually be able to send back, with which it will combat the country’s endemic poverty.

Dr K. Radhakrishnan, Chairman of the IRSO, said “Whilst it is true that the Mangalyaan Mars craft will not be returning to India with food for the starving and gold for the poor, it will be undertaking incredibly important research, such as confirming the findings of the other three space agencies that beat us there.

“Being the fourth country to reach Mars is incredibly important, as we can send out a little robot to knock down the other countries’ flags and put up one of our own. This is vital for

October 31, 2013

Dell laptops ‘not worth peeing on’ say cats

by philapilus

The feline community has expressed outrage over the suggestion that their urine smells similar to laptops made by manufacturer of very low grade computers, Dell.

Cat

‘Are you fucking kidding? Not if you paid me.’

Mr Mistoffelees, spokescat and conjuror for children’s parties, said “Those assholes who complained that their piece-of-shite laptops smelled of cat pee can go hang themselves.

“My urine is like a fine, dry Tesco’s own brand chardonnay, compared with the un-upgradable, cheap, laughable excuses for ‘computers’ that bunch of morons crap out.

“Honestly, they

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