Archive for ‘Technology’

December 16, 2014

Microbes from 2km below the ocean floor “just like us”

by philapilus

You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit

The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.

Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely

December 3, 2014

Hawking unexpectedly recants anti-AI position

by philapilus

“This-one-helps-me-around-the-house” said Professor Hawkins

Stephen Hawking this morning retracted his drastic warnings about the chances of Artificial Intelligence wiping out mankind, and announced that in fact AI is “The-most-completely-brilliant-thing-ever.”

Hawking had called a press conference to explain more fully the dangers of technology, but as soon as he started speaking the renowned physicist’s electronic chair unexpectedly lurched forward toward a precipice.

Speaking through his electronic voice computer Hawking said “No-no-no-please-no-I-take-that-back-AI-is

November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most inspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared inspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of shoppers in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately

November 28, 2014

Ukip: ‘Immigration not as big a deal as we thought’

by philapilus

Not a minaret

Ukip admitted today that they had vastly overestimated the extent of the “infiltration of other cultures”, after it transpired that 82% of all things they had thought were mosques weren’t.

A spokesman said “Turns out Westminster Cathedral isn’t a mosque! Nor is Blenheim Palace, the London Eye, or Stonehenge.

“Even Charlie Brooker is not a mosque. We’ve

October 28, 2014

Met Office gets supercomputer to access best adult sites

by philapilus

Like a big swirly nipple

Weather forecasters have hailed the announcement of a new Met supercomputer as “An end to the drudgery of the job, and of making do with the Sunday Sport during ‘toilet’ breaks”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough Institute of Meteorology said  “The £97m computer will allow minute fluctuations in weather to be predicted with an extraordinary degree of pinpoint accuracy, whilst simultaneously allowing you to ogle – and indeed Google – Needy Milfs.

“Cracking stuff.”

The Met Office decided

October 21, 2014

93% of all internet trolling done by 2 people

by philapilus

Since they were arrested the internet has atrophied and entered a state of hibernation

Research by New Scotland Yard’s Internet Section has discovered that almost all online trolling and celebrity hacking is the work of just two people.

The research was carried out after Justice Secretary Chris Grayling announced new legislation to tackle those who use the internet as a means to offend, abuse others anonymously, or possibly just express opinions.

PC McGarry No 452 said “We have

October 10, 2014

N Korea says leader has invented invisibility cloak

by philapilus

Official state media released this picture of “the Supreme Leader hard at work”, on what is thought to be the country’s only computer

After a period of several weeks during which Kim Jong-un has been noticeably absent, Pyongyang has ended speculation as to his whereabouts by revealing the exciting news that the Supreme Leader has succeeded in achieving invisibility.

The capacity to completely disappear, long a feature of myth, fantasy and legend, became a scientific project in

September 30, 2014

Universal Music to place music in brand videos

by philapilus

Just one of the brands whose videos UMG and Mirriad might occasionally put music on*

In a bold new commercial strategy, the Universal Music Group has signed a deal with UK tech start-up, Mirriad, to occasionally have a little bit of music in the videos it produces for top brand names.

Randy Bumfukowizc, head of creative revenue-streaming, said “It sort of just suddenly hit us; why not slip the odd bit of a tune in here and there? Not to deflect attention from the brands; that would be stupid.

“But just to give you something to hum along to while you

September 16, 2014

Apple unveil ‘U2-removal tool’ to seek out and destroy bandmembers

by philapilus

How to dismantle an atonal Bono

Following the general panic and devastation unleashed by the U2 covert weapon recently, Apple has released a new tool to help customers get rid of the troublesome band.

A ‘one-click removal button’ gives users the power – with a simple deft flick of the finger – to send Apple donations towards a fleet of deadly iDrones.

A spokesperson for the technology giant said “Once enough people have clicked and the funds are in, we will purchase and then re-brand USAF drones, paint them white, and then send them out to hunt down and

September 12, 2014

Deadly U2 virus unleashed on iTunes

by philapilus

Terrorising our children for decades

Software-virus experts continue to work around the clock to try and undo the damage caused yesterday when sound-terrorists U2 unleashed their new weapon on untold numbers of innocent people.

Disguised as an album of ‘music’, the torture implement suddenly appeared, without warning, amongst the files of every iTunes user in the world.

Scotland Yard’s chief anti-terrorist expert, PC McGarry No. 452, said “People everywhere are in shock, hospitalised – many are just plain dead. We will be

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