Archive for ‘Technology’

October 10, 2014

N Korea says leader has invented invisibility cloak

by philapilus

Official state media released this picture of “the Supreme Leader hard at work”, on what is thought to be the country’s only computer

After a period of several weeks during which Kim Jong-un has been noticeably absent, Pyongyang has ended speculation as to his whereabouts by revealing the exciting news that the Supreme Leader has succeeded in achieving invisibility.

The capacity to completely disappear, long a feature of myth, fantasy and legend, became a scientific project in

September 30, 2014

Universal Music to place music in brand videos

by philapilus

Just one of the brands whose videos UMG and Mirriad might occasionally put music on*

In a bold new commercial strategy, the Universal Music Group has signed a deal with UK tech start-up, Mirriad, to occasionally have a little bit of music in the videos it produces for top brand names.

Randy Bumfukowizc, head of creative revenue-streaming, said “It sort of just suddenly hit us; why not slip the odd bit of a tune in here and there? Not to deflect attention from the brands; that would be stupid.

“But just to give you something to hum along to while you

September 16, 2014

Apple unveil ‘U2-removal tool’ to seek out and destroy bandmembers

by philapilus

How to dismantle an atonal Bono

Following the general panic and devastation unleashed by the U2 covert weapon recently, Apple has released a new tool to help customers get rid of the troublesome band.

A ‘one-click removal button’ gives users the power – with a simple deft flick of the finger – to send Apple donations towards a fleet of deadly iDrones.

A spokesperson for the technology giant said “Once enough people have clicked and the funds are in, we will purchase and then re-brand USAF drones, paint them white, and then send them out to hunt down and

September 12, 2014

Deadly U2 virus unleashed on iTunes

by philapilus

Terrorising our children for decades

Software-virus experts continue to work around the clock to try and undo the damage caused yesterday when sound-terrorists U2 unleashed their new weapon on untold numbers of innocent people.

Disguised as an album of ‘music’, the torture implement suddenly appeared, without warning, amongst the files of every iTunes user in the world.

Scotland Yard’s chief anti-terrorist expert, PC McGarry No. 452, said “People everywhere are in shock, hospitalised – many are just plain dead. We will be

August 7, 2014

Brits ‘now too stupid to sleep’

by philapilus

“This just helps me make sure I don’t miss anything on my iPad”

A new study by Ofcom has found that adults in the UK no longer know how to switch off electronic devices and close their eyes for a bit.

The report found that more time is spent using technology than sleeping, which experts have labelled “Unbelievably fucking stupid”.

Mike Ock, High-tech Thingy Researcher for Ofcom said “I am typing this on my 4G phone. I haven’t switched it off or closed my eyes in five weeks.

“I keep seeing things that

July 29, 2014

Police ‘to politely ask criminals not to do crime’

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/Capture-of-Blackbeard.jpg

These chaps are downloading the new Planet of the Apes film

The City of London police force announced this morning that it will replace all traditional forms of policing with new, targeted measures, including internet adverts, handing out ‘please don’t’ leaflets to suspicious characters, and using a loudhailer to ask people kindly to refrain from crime.

The process began with police banner ads appearing on piracy websites, with messages such as “Please don’t engage in piracy” and “You aren’t being naughty are you?” and the guilt-inducing “What would your dear old mum think if she saw you, eh?”

But the force decided to expand its use of such relatively passive means of crime-fighting because they are “cheaper, easier, safer, and mean we can spend most of the day sitting at a desk dunking bourbon chocolate biscuits in

July 15, 2014

MoD ‘unsure’ whether stealth fighter is at Farnborough or not

by philapilus

Fuck knows where it is

After reports that Britain’s new £70m stealth fighter, the F-35, would not make it to the opening of the Farnborough International Airshow, the MoD has been forced to admit that it has no idea where the plane actually is.

Air Vice-Marshal Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines said “Well, we did put about this rot about having to delay its debut because of some engine fire in a test model, but to be quite frank with you, we haven’t an earthly clue where the bally thing is.

“Damn plane is stealth, isn’t it? Bloody problem right there, if you think about it, what? Once the old stealth mode’s on, can’t find the blighter.

“I mean, we’re saying it won’t be

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

May 7, 2014

Beginning of Universe recreated in lab by Christian physicists

by philapilus
'Let there be light'

‘Let there be light’

An astonishingly detailed recreation of the evolution of the universe has been unveiled by a team of internationally renowned religious scientists.

The group, led by Reverend Professor Woody Dicks, have created a computer simulation, which they say matches the available data with such breathtaking accuracy that it is considered “completely impossible” for it to contain a single flaw.

Dicks said “We even solved the problem of Dark Matter, which has puzzled the atheists for years. But if you watch the simulation carefully, you’ll see that right at the start of the video, it’s really, really, really dark.

“Good, eh?”

The simulation begins with an

April 28, 2014

‘Oh my god will you just STOP sending me sodding Candy Crush invites?’ says everyone

by philapilus

‘This could be the end of a beautiful friendship’

There was a huge Facebook backlash yesterday, as thousands of members finally lost it after being invited to play Candy Crush Saga for the 458th time.

Many users left the site altogether, others posted statuses such as “Ask again and I will kill you”, “If I didn’t accept when you first asked me two months ago, why the sh*tt*ng f*ck would I now?” and the succinct, if desperate, “I will hunt you down and run over your legs with a lawn-mower”.

Inventor of Candy Crush Saga, Dr Ken Unterman, said “I had an awful childhood. Now it’s your turn to suffer. And guess what? Here come seven new versions of the game! Screw you all.”

Wendy Nailinthehead, an

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