Archive for ‘Sport’

April 7, 2014

Glasgow tower block demolitions opposed by thrifty Scots

by philapilus

“Tha athleets is gon’ haf tae compeet in tha nuddy. We cannae proveed outfits; wurr nae maed o’ money, ye ken?”

A campaign to save the Red Road tower blocks, scheduled for demolition at the opening of the 2014 Commonwealth Games, has been launched by the Scottish ‘Wurr nae maed o’ money, ye ken?’ lobbying group.

Spokesman Tavish McGroin, said “Wheesht tha’ nonsense, will ye? Why blow’t yon tooers, whin they’ll fall doon in a wee millenium or twa anyways fae free?!

“Noo; how muckle ye gon’ gie’s furr spaeken tae ye? Oonly Ahm nae maed o’ money. C’mon, ye cheep basturd, will ye

March 27, 2014

Sport: Flyweight ‘In/Out’ title, Farage vs Clegg

by philapilus

The best bit was when they had both fucked off

Anticipation ran high ahead of last night’s title-fight for the coveted European ‘In/Out’ belt, and an unprecedented crowd of 147 people arrived – more than have ever come to see either fighter before.

The match was mired in controversy before it even began, after a weigh-in on Tuesday which had seen both men struggle to make the minimum weight limit.

Accusations came from both entourages that the opposing fighter had stuffed his pants, but even

March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

February 25, 2014

PISTORIUS ON TRIAL: the series!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Running prosthetics, or WEAPONS OF DEATH attached to a MURDERER?!?! We’ll help you decide!!!!


PISTORIUS! The NAME that’s at the HEART of the ENIGMA wrapped in a CONUNDRUM that’s a DID HE/DIDN’T HE that can hold its own against ANY TRIAL of the last 100 YEARS!!!!

PISTORIUS! You’ve heard the RUMOUR, the OPINION, the GUESSES, now hear…THE TRUTH!!!!


February 7, 2014

Putin threatens to stick his big, hard nuke into virgin Canadian soil

by philapilus

Vladi likes a good tumble, but not in a gay way

Vladimir Putin has lashed out at Canada, after an amusing, gentle Canadian advert protested against the tide of Russian homophobia surrounding the Sochi Winter Olympics. 

Putin said he “will not rule out a nuclear strike against the country of benders, in retaliation for their Satanic support of queers and sodomites.”

Surrounded by big burly security men, with large weapons in their pockets, the president declared his own unimpeachable heterosexual manliness, and called for “violence against anyone who thinks it is ok to have

February 6, 2014

Sochi Olympics handy dos and don’ts guide!

by unpseudable

Ahead of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, TMB has exclusively acquired the visitors’ guide for olympians and spectators alike on their exciting visit to Russia’s Black Sea port.

Sochi is definitely ready to welcome you!

On arrival in Sochi you will probably want to get straight to your hotel and have a rest, being weary after your long travels. Firstly we recommend that you confirm your hotel has been built. Don’t worry – chances are it will have been! Some may still require a few cosmetic finishing touches of course, but once the floor’s put in everything will be fine. If you are one of those lucky enough to be booked into an actual complete hotel, your Sochi adventures can begin!

You may want

February 2, 2014

Tyne-Wear derby match has ‘disappointingly low levels of violence’

by philapilus
File:Bengalisches Feuer Dortmund.jpg

“Ooh look, you can almost see a bit of the pitch in the footage of this match. We’ve still not quite worked out what that’s for…”

Football fans from Sunderland and Newcastle expressed their “pervading sense of disappointment” this morning, after last night’s match provoked no more than a scattering of small riots, with only ten arrests made, and not a single brutal murder.

The two sets of fans – justly celebrated for their disproportionately bitter sense of rivalry, mutual hatred, and tendency to headbutt one another indiscriminately, and irrespective of who actually wins – were successfully kept apart by police escorts.

Joe ‘Hooligan’ Meatball, head of the Newcastle Fans Association, said “The coppers ruined what could have been a really spectacular dust-up. The conditions were perfect, animosity levels were running at 89%, we’d been practising hard all season, and had a brilliant strategy of attacking up the wing with broken bottles, whilst

January 23, 2014

Saatchi and Taki fight will confirm pointlessness of humanity

by philapilus

‘Any minute now one of them will throw a punch, and it’ll be the most exciting, important thing in the entire world’

Experts have said that the anticipated cage-fight, which Charles Saatchi and Taki Theodoracopulos have been challenging one another to in the Spectator, will justify the eradication of the human race.

77 year old millionaire Theodoracopulos first called out the 70 year old art dealer Saatchi, over the latter’s public assault on wife, Nigella Lawson.

Saatchi responded by basically saying “Come on then!”

The prospect of watching two flabby septagenarians tussling - whilst

January 14, 2014

Pair of trainers sues pimp

by philapilus
File:74892143 f94145facb.jpg

“”So emotionally distressed they are undergoing a course of counselling”

A pair of Nike Jordan trainers is suing convicted pimp Sirgiorgio Clardy after he used them to beat a man so savagely that he needed plastic surgery.

Clardy stamped on a client’s face, and also beat ‘his’ prostitute, and then filed a lawsuit for $100m against Nike, on the grounds that they didn’t warn consumers how dangerous the shoes could be.

But a lawyer for the pair of trainers he was wearing said today that they were suing Clardy because when they agreed to be worn on his feet, they “had no idea he was a dangerous, mind-numbingly stupid psycopath.”

Tim Oyly, from Yewlby, Buggerd, Shatton and Pisston partnership, said “My clients feel that when they were tried on in the shop, Clardy did not make his intentions clear, nor was there a huge warning tattooed across his stupid face to explain that

January 9, 2014

Chris Smalling’s ‘Suicide bomb plot’ foiled

by philapilus

“The source of all evil in the world” according to Richard Dawkins

The Manchester United and England defender Chris Smalling has been apprehended by the anti-terrorism squad, after attempting to kill everyone at a party.

Smalling intially insisted that he had just been trying to make “a joke in extremely poor taste”, but officers discovered that his ‘Suicide Jagerbomber fancy-dress outfit’ was in fact loaded with deadly explosives.

PC McGarry No. 452 said “On searching Smalling’s luxury apartment we found masses of anti-Western, extremist Manchester United material.

“This ranges from zealous football tracts, like Alex Fergusson’s autobiography, to


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