Archive for ‘Sport’

July 2, 2015

England’s male team hugely relieved at Lionesses loss

by philapilus

“What a pity” said men, opening the champagne.

Everyone in the country involved in men’s football has breathed a huge collective sigh of relief, after Laura Bassett’s own goal saw the women’s team knocked out of the World Cup.

Manager Roy Hodgson said “Shit that was close! What a stroke of luck; we would have looked like complete incompetents if the girls had got through to the final – something we haven’t achieved since the early days of the Cold War.

“Um, I mean, what a pity that they’ve been knocked out. We were rooting for them all the way.

“Speaking on

June 23, 2015

Mark Cavendish shock revelation: ‘sprint cycling is not like going bowling’

by philapilus

“Not much like changing into your pyjamas either” explains Cavendish

Sprint cyclist Mark Cavendish has blown the lid off the secretive world of the sport, after dropping the bombshell that “Cycling’s not similar to chess, ten-pin bowling, sumo wrestling or juggling in any way whatsoever – it’s actually quite unique.”

The world champion offered these important insights in an interview with the BBC – a major journalistic coup for the organisation, as until now everyone had imagined cycling was a bit like putting up shelves, or maybe cooking a risotto.

BBC spokesperson Percy Spoke said “It’s extraordinary. Cavendish has revealed the arcane secrets of the sport, and explained that when you’re on the saddle, you sort of push the pedals, they

June 15, 2015

Cricket now a full contact sport

by philapilus

Makes sense; they’ve already got body armour and massive wooden swords.

The game of cricket this weekend underwent the most radical change since its codification in the 18th century, after being redesignated as a full contact sport.

The first match under the new rules also saw the game’s first ever ultra-brutal takedown, when Rory Burns and Moises Henrique collided so violently that they were both hospitalised.

Umpire Roland Stump said “It was a brilliant tackle by both men – the only slight problem with which was that they weren’t on opposing teams. But we’ve only

June 9, 2015

FIFA offering London Mayoralty to most ‘convincing’ bidder

by philapilus

“I’ve got this terrible pain in my head, right here. I hope it’s not the early onset of dementia and regrettable associated amnesia!”

The disgraced FIFA organisation has offered to ‘help secure’ the position of Mayor of London “for whichever of the candidates does the best job of convincing our board of their case.”

Embattled president Sepp Blatter said “By ‘case’ we obviously don’t just mean a case full of cash! No; we’d like to help whoever shows us that they have the whole package. We want to see someone who can really push the brown envelope. Someone willing to put a bit of elbow grease into our han- into the job.”

The offer “to assist in an advisory capacity” in the 2016 mayoral elections, comes after FIFA announced its diversification “into other lucrative markets, you know, in case the football thing doesn’t

May 18, 2015

A day in the afterlife: Dean Potter

by philapilus

SO much more fun if you know you’re likely to crack your head open at the bottom

Well, just got here today, and the prospects seemed really exciting. It’s no Yosemite, but it is very high up.

First thing I did was scale the pearly gates, which is quite hard as there’s not much grip on pearl. Was ace, although this bearded dude kept jangling his keys and shouting at me to come down and walk in like everyone else. I was like ‘No way dude!’

So I got inside, and there’s

May 5, 2015

John Major wins snooker World Championship

by philapilus

The former conservative prime minister won 18-15 in a match that went to the final session, after initially trailing Bingham. An astonishing achievement, given that Major only took up the sport five months ago.

John Virgo said this morning “I don’t think anyone could have predicted this result, but it was fully deserved. Major beat Ronnie O’Sullivan, Judd Trump and Shaun Murphy to get here, and he took Bingham apart with

May 3, 2015

Pacquiao-Mayweather fight, blow-by-blow

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/49/Pacman.svg/456px-Pacman.svg.png

Pacman got less of the money than Money did

Manny Pacquaio v Floyd Mayweather is over, but only TMB’s boxingologists can give you the complete breakdown:

Both men entered the arena in the normal way, using their feet, which, being located at the end of their legs, made for adequate bipedal locomotion. Next they climbed into the roped-off bit, which seemed to go pretty well too.

Neither boxer fell over.

A shouty man shouted for a bit, and then the fighters started hitting each other.

The first round opened with

May 1, 2015

Mayweather Sr pens poem for Pacquiao trainer Freddie Roach

by philapilus

“Yep,” said Floyd Jr, “that’s my dad! A true romantic.”

In an unusual move, Floyd Mayweather’s father has addressed the coach of his son’s opponent through the medium of poetry, ahead of Saturday’s title fight.

The fight, which will be the richest in the sport’s history, has involved a lot of trash talk and accusations flying between the two camps, but Floyd Mayweather Sr seems to have offered an olive branch to Freddie Roach with his touching ode.

Mayweather Sr said “This goes out to my man Freddie:

“When combatants in combat meet,

To vie for victory’s taste, so sweet,

There must, alas! be joy and tears,

Defeat; the

April 27, 2015

John Major wins 2015 London Marathon

by philapilus

Major said to journalists this morning he’d had so much fun on Sunday that he was not ruling out competing in marathons all around the world.

Sir John Major said he was “Surprised but delighted” after finishing the London Marathon in world record time, streets ahead of the competition.

The ex-Prime Minister’s time of 1:58:59 smashed previous records, making him the first person to run a sub-2 hours marathon – and with a whole minute to spare.

Runner-up Eliud Kipchoga’s 2:04:42 looked positively pedestrian by comparison. The Kenyan runner said

February 13, 2015

Aston Villa appoint John Major to replace Lambert

by philapilus
File:Major00.jpg

Chillaxing after scoring the winning goal in the 2014 World Cup final

Former Tory Prime Minister Sir John Major said today he was “surprised but excited”, after Aston Villa invited him to take over as their new manager.


Villa made the decision to drop current manager Paul Lambert, after going ten games without a win, losing a friendly to the Taplow Women’s Insitute team, and dropping into the premier league’s relegation zone.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for the ailing club, said “Some people think our embarrassing string of losses should be blamed on the chaps who run around on the pitch for forty-five minutes, sit down for a bit, and then run around for another forty-five minutes. They are, after all, the ones kicking – and occasionally headbutting – the round thing.

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