Archive for ‘Sport’

May 18, 2015

A day in the afterlife: Dean Potter

by philapilus

SO much more fun if you know you’re likely to crack your head open at the bottom

Well, just got here today, and the prospects seemed really exciting. It’s no Yosemite, but it is very high up.

First thing I did was scale the pearly gates, which is quite hard as there’s not much grip on pearl. Was ace, although this bearded dude kept jangling his keys and shouting at me to come down and walk in like everyone else. I was like ‘No way dude!’

So I got inside, and there’s

May 5, 2015

John Major wins snooker World Championship

by philapilus

The former conservative prime minister won 18-15 in a match that went to the final session, after initially trailing Bingham. An astonishing achievement, given that Major only took up the sport five months ago.

John Virgo said this morning “I don’t think anyone could have predicted this result, but it was fully deserved. Major beat Ronnie O’Sullivan, Judd Trump and Shaun Murphy to get here, and he took Bingham apart with

May 3, 2015

Pacquiao-Mayweather fight, blow-by-blow

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/49/Pacman.svg/456px-Pacman.svg.png

Pacman got less of the money than Money did

Manny Pacquaio v Floyd Mayweather is over, but only TMB’s boxingologists can give you the complete breakdown:

Both men entered the arena in the normal way, using their feet, which, being located at the end of their legs, made for adequate bipedal locomotion. Next they climbed into the roped-off bit, which seemed to go pretty well too.

Neither boxer fell over.

A shouty man shouted for a bit, and then the fighters started hitting each other.

The first round opened with

May 1, 2015

Mayweather Sr pens poem for Pacquiao trainer Freddie Roach

by philapilus

“Yep,” said Floyd Jr, “that’s my dad! A true romantic.”

In an unusual move, Floyd Mayweather’s father has addressed the coach of his son’s opponent through the medium of poetry, ahead of Saturday’s title fight.

The fight, which will be the richest in the sport’s history, has involved a lot of trash talk and accusations flying between the two camps, but Floyd Mayweather Sr seems to have offered an olive branch to Freddie Roach with his touching ode.

Mayweather Sr said “This goes out to my man Freddie:

“When combatants in combat meet,

To vie for victory’s taste, so sweet,

There must, alas! be joy and tears,

Defeat; the

April 27, 2015

John Major wins 2015 London Marathon

by philapilus

Major said to journalists this morning he’d had so much fun on Sunday that he was not ruling out competing in marathons all around the world.

Sir John Major said he was “Surprised but delighted” after finishing the London Marathon in world record time, streets ahead of the competition.

The ex-Prime Minister’s time of 1:58:59 smashed previous records, making him the first person to run a sub-2 hours marathon – and with a whole minute to spare.

Runner-up Eliud Kipchoga’s 2:04:42 looked positively pedestrian by comparison. The Kenyan runner said

February 13, 2015

Aston Villa appoint John Major to replace Lambert

by philapilus
File:Major00.jpg

Chillaxing after scoring the winning goal in the 2014 World Cup final

Former Tory Prime Minister Sir John Major said today he was “surprised but excited”, after Aston Villa invited him to take over as their new manager.


Villa made the decision to drop current manager Paul Lambert, after going ten games without a win, losing a friendly to the Taplow Women’s Insitute team, and dropping into the premier league’s relegation zone.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for the ailing club, said “Some people think our embarrassing string of losses should be blamed on the chaps who run around on the pitch for forty-five minutes, sit down for a bit, and then run around for another forty-five minutes. They are, after all, the ones kicking – and occasionally headbutting – the round thing.

November 14, 2014

Fifa branching out into banking

by philapilus

You might say the goalposts have been moved. And done up quite a bit too.

After the Fifa ethics row deepened yesterday, with investigator Michael Garcia accusing judge Hans Joachim-Eckert of misrepresentation, the governing body has announced its intention to diversify into banking.

Fifa’s Strategic Analyst, Hans Onmycok, said “Allegations of corruption over the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World cup tournaments to Russia and Qatar have shown us that it’s quite hard to get away with impropriety.

“What we need is to make our operation appear legitimate on the outside, whilst stuffed to the brim with criminal financial deals on the inside, and to

September 22, 2014

Man United lose 5-3 to John Major’s Leicester City

by philapilus

Major said goalie Hurd was his ‘man of the match’, as not a single ball got past him – despite the aging Hurd having to play sitting down.

Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has said his team “were simply outplayed” after their humiliating defeat at the hands of Leicester City.

Leicester’s captain, former Prime Minister Sir John Major, scored four of the five goals that saw his team make an amazing comeback from 3-1 down.

Major said “I am really pleased with this result. I was a bit concerned we wouldn’t do very well, especially as there were only nine of us on the pitch. Heseltine did his hip in after a vigorous country ramble, and it turned out Ted Heath was actually dead.

“It also did not

September 8, 2014

John Major storms through US Open to take 18th Grand Slam title

by philapilus

It’s even more impressive that he won without taking his jacket off

Former British Prime Minister Sir John Major said he was “Over the moon” about his victory in the US Open on Sunday, which saw him join Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert in 4th place on the list of greatest women’s singles title-winners.

He beat Caroline Wozniacki 6-3 6-3 to take victory – an impressive feat for a 71 year old ex-politician, playing against a professional tennis superstar at the top of her game.

Speaking with characteristic humility, Major said “Of course I’m

August 5, 2014

Ecclestone clears his name over bribe charges with massive bribe

by philapilus

Mr Ecclestone has been the boss of Formula 1 racing for years, and is worth over $4bn

Bernie Ecclestone today definitively cleared himself from the boggy mire of accusations of financial bribery, using a massive financial bribe.

Ecclestone, who was being prosecuted in a German court, was able to end the bribery trial, through the application of a very large amount of money.

The F1 boss’s legal team, from the Yewlby, Buggerd, Shatton & Pisston partnership, said “No one may accuse Mr Ecclestone of

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