Archive for ‘Society’

October 4, 2015

2015 tory conference: Hunt mobbed by fans, Cameron praised for tax credit cuts

by philapilus


The 2015 Conservative conference has already been judged a huge success, with witnesses describing an electric atmosphere at the Manchester venue.

Activists and party grandees cheered and cried out ‘Hosanna’ as David Cameron arrived riding his giant wild boar, Pickles, and strewing the ground before him with palm leaves.

After the prime minister dismounted he pissed in the face of a street urchin and announced that he would not be changing his mind on

October 4, 2015

England’s love affair with Australia going strong

by philapilus

“‘H’ stands for ‘Happy for them’. The beer-guzzling, wallaby-riding scum” said England

It has been confirmed this weekend that the English are still just absolutely head over heels in love with Australia, and wish Australians nothing but happiness and good fortune in all their ventures.

An online poll which took place between 10PM Saturday night and Sunday lunchtime found that English men were particularly keen on Aussies, with almost 90% of male respondents confirming that they had ‘nothing but good thoughts’ about the chaps from down under.

Englishman Stuart Lancaster said “Ah, Australia. Brings a smile to my face just to think about them. Nothing makes me happier than

September 30, 2015

North Carolina redefines the concept of age

by unpseudable
Neil Young

You see, it can be confusing *

North Carolina’s legal system has successfully transcended logic with the recent prosecution of two children as adults for exploiting children who were themselves.

Facing up to ten years imprisonment for the possession of revealing selfies, the accused ultimately accepted plea bargains, requiring them to do community service.

Prosecutor, Nick Dobend, expressed his thoughts on the result: “Well, of course I was gunning for a custodial sentence, but we sure did teach them kids a lesson! Oh yeah, I know all those whiny liberals think it must be some kinda big hoax. But they don’t seem to get that these laws are there so that we can prosecute our children.

“Protect or prosecute? Well, one or the other.

September 30, 2015

Entire office wondering what toilet brush does

by philapilus

‘Word of warning though; don’t use them to stir your coffee because it’ll taste rank’

It has been revealed that the entire staff of a company are completely flummoxed by a  plastic stick with bristles which has been discovered in the toilets.

IT solutions company, Solutions For IT, found that its seventy-six employees had literally no idea what the object was, nor why it sat next to the lavatory pan.

They were however all agreed that the toilets were absolutely filthy, and demanded management do something about it.

As part of its investigation into why its staff found cleaning the toilet after using it so fucking difficult, Solutions For IT discovered that almost half of them used the brush as a backscratcher – which is not as unhygienic as it sounds, given that it has never entered the loo.

Nobody was able to even hazard a guess as to its true purpose.

Receptionist Wendy Nailinthehead said “Sometimes when I’m in there explosively shitting, or looking at Tinder, or just hiding, I like to pretend that thing is a microphone, and I mime singing ‘Young Hearts Run Free’ into it.

“Presumably that’s not what it’s really for though?”

Marketing Drone Tim Twanks said “I’ve never noticed it before, but then my attention is always drawn to the filth all over the pan, the seat, and often the floor as well.

“When I am at home I don’t usually coat the room in my excrement, because I would have to clear it up. But in public spaces it normally just disappears of its own accord, doesn’t it? Well not here! It’s a disgrace that they make us use that loo.

“Can you pass me that plastic thingy in the pot? I ate onions for lunch and I want to brush my teeth with it.”

September 16, 2015

Corbyn refuses to sing ‘Happy Birthday’

by philapilus

Jeremy Corbyn has caused an outcry amongst the conservative press, after it was revealed that he did not sing Happy Birthday during a party at the weekend.

According to witnesses, Jeremy arrived at the party and appeared to be engaging normally. He made full use of the bouncy castle, ate fistfuls of Wotsits and Iced Gems, and

September 16, 2015

Corbyn-Cameron PMQs “to last all week”

by philapilus

Obi Wan Corbyn is about to pop that lightsaber

The first PMQs between David Cameron and Jeremy Corbyn has substantially overrun, and according to sources “could last all week if not longer”, because of the huge sheaf of questions Corbyn is holding.

The session began well, with the two men making a pact that Prime Ministers Questions “should no longer be a screaming ‘Yo Mama’ match between middle-aged white men”. But interest in the chamber waned as the Labour leader began trawling through a list of 40,000 crowd-sourced questions.

MPs’ expressions changed from

September 14, 2015

Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet announced

by philapilus

Following a resounding victory in the battle for the Labour leadership at the weekend, Jeremy Corbyn has today announced the Appointments for his first shadow cabinet.

Shadow chancellor: Randy Rhoads.

Randy’s consummate skill is best exemplified by his solo on Ozzy Osboune’s ‘Mr Crowley’, but Rhoads’ phenomenal

September 10, 2015

“I feel so empty” says Queen

by philapilus
Less than ecstatic

Less than ecstatic

Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II has described her trouncing of Queen Victoria’s longevity-record as “a huge anticlimax”.

The Queen said “I waited decades to reach this milestone; survived all the attempts on my life by my son, and even the foiled coup d’etat launched by the Krankies.

“But it’s a

September 7, 2015

New neolithic site completely ruins pagan maps

by philapilus

“People probably think we look stupid now”

Druids have expressed outrage at the discovery of an enormous neolithic monument less than 2 miles from Stonehenge, claiming that “All the leylines are completely fucked up now”.

Self-proclaimed chief-druid, Uther Merlin Mordred (who legally changed his name from Jeff Scone), said “Can you blame us for being cross? This has ruined years of work.

“Imagine you got a Feng Shui expert to do the room you live in in your mum’s house, right, and he did it all beautifully, but then

September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s


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