Archive for ‘Society’

February 3, 2016

Lego frustrated at ‘1st disabled minifigure’ misunderstanding

by philapilus

Some of Lego’s earliest characters were the thalidomide triplets

Lego has expressed its annoyance after fans wrongly claimed that a new set containing a Lego man in a wheelchair represents the first disabled minifigure the company has produced.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “It’s nice that fans are praising the appearance of a wheelchair user in a set we are releasing later this year.

“But as a company that has always featured disabilities in our product range, we do

February 3, 2016

Death to have February off

by philapilus

 

Deserved: he has been a very busy boy after all

The Grim reaper has announced that he is going to have a quiet month, having worked extra hard culling some big names in January.

Death said “Having taken down actors Frank Finlay and Alan Rickman, musician David Bowie, and lovable highwayman Terry Wogan – amongst others – I really feel like I’ve earned some time off.

“I am going to spend February on a beautiful island paradise in the Caribbean, letting shoals of little fish nibble at my toebones whilst tanning my skull. It will

January 25, 2016

On this day: 25th January

by philapilus
File:Hippo Indigestion.jpg

Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed

TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…

1925: notorious gangster Al Capone invents the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

1953: Southend is destroyed when a huge interstellar alien craft falls from

January 18, 2016

Match-fixing ‘rampant’ in lawn bowls

by philapilus

Particularly nefarious teams often name themselves after vicious street-gangs; pictured here are the ‘Hiccupton Hells Angels’

The world of sport was further rocked by controversy today, after it transpired that amateur bowls is plagued by match-fixing.

The BBC’s revelations of match-fixing in tennis earlier this morning caused front-page outrage, but the story has been knocked off the headline green by the news that the phenomenon is also widespread in the bowls game.

Investigative journalist Samantha Furcup said “You might think bowls is about gentle-looking old folk standing around in their white clothes and carefully

January 14, 2016

2015 in Headlines

by philapilus

Lenin was amongst the famous people who died in 2015, along with such other political luminaries as Michael Ball, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble and Michael Bay. Astoundingly, Keith Richards survived yet another year

In our annual January attempt to avoid anything as strenuous as finding new news, TMB presents some of the more notable stories appearing in UK newspapers from last year:

Forensic science claims Jesus was spitting image of Brian Blessed

Ed Miliband ‘froze to death’ in park drinking meths on Christmas day

“I just want to kill the Jews” Trump reveals motivation

One Direction revealed as

January 11, 2016

Death of David Bowie reminding everyone what real music sounds like

by philapilus
File:David Bowie Chile.jpg

Beautiful, brilliant, and depressingly about to receive the shit Cover treatment from every single musician on The Voice and X-Factor

The untimely death of musical legend David Bowie from cancer has made everyone realise just how shit most music is now, and exactly how fucking brilliant the man was.

The beloved rockstar’s innovation, stylish androgyny and ability to reinvent himself creatively, made him a household name.

The ubiquitous airtime suddenly given to Bowie this morning has sharply reminded listeners that music doesn’t have to be utter wank, and that it is possible to

January 6, 2016

Jobs are definitely shit, everyone confirms

by philapilus

Like an apocalypse for the soul

Everyone has agreed that work is definitively “fucking awful”, following the annual horror of returning to work after the Christmas break.

Research by the Slough Institute for Misanthropy found that over 68% of people wanted to kill somebody during their first post-holiday commute, and 97% of people spent most of the morning crying in the toilets or hiding under their desks.

Working mum, Samantha Furcup, said “Our family Christmas was horrible, obviously. The kids were

December 12, 2015

Female obesity is a really large, oversized problem, says medical expert

by philapilus

England’s chief medical officer Dame Sally Davies has said that the increasing number of women who are overweight is an enormous problem, which is really not getting any smaller.

Dame Sally said “This is the biggest single health-problem for females, and it’s growing constantly.

“It’s not going to go away, it’s just going to get more and more massive, until it blocks out the sun. It amounts to a gigantic

December 9, 2015

The TMB rundown of top festive book buys

by articulatedsheep

What better gift to give during the season of goodwill than the gift of knowledge? If you’re the kind of insufferable arsehole who gives people books for Christmas, the publishing industry (such as it is) will be happy to take large amounts of money off you – but what are the most mediocre tomes available in Waterstone’s, or sitting haphazardly on a shelf in WH Smith next to a chiller cabinet inexplicably full of copies of the Daily Telegraph?

Here’s a list.

Timecop, Harper Lee. Lee’s long-anticipated third book, rather than a continuation of the world so vividly realised in ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and ‘Go Set a Watchman’, is a novelisation of the 1994 Jean Claude van Damme action film Timecop. Critics are already eagerly anticipating her follow-up, a novelisation of the Steven Seagal film Under Siege 2.

Time to Die, Rodney Bewes. Is life an unremitting, bleak and meaningless charade? Would it just be better to end it all, and embrace the all-consuming, peaceful embrace of death? Star of hit BBCtv series ‘The Likely Lads’ and ‘Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads’, Rodney Bewes, takes readers step-by-step through some of the most popular methods of suicide – from old standards like hanging, to more modern and ironic ways of taking your own life, like leaping from the roof of the Dignitas clinic in Zurich. The ideal gift for a stubbornly alive and wealthy but elderly relative, or a despised older sibling.

A Very Bravo Two Zero Christmas, Andy McNab. ‘I grimaced. The SA80 was a decent squaddie’s weapon – fairly tasty in a close quarters firefight – and god knows it had got me out of a few jams. But on a long distance shot like this, and without a proper sight, I was going to need a steady hand to take Father Christmas out. I squinted, squeezed the trigger, and watched with grim satisfaction as a puff of red, matching the big man’s coat, blew out of the back of Saint Nick’s head, just before he crumpled to the ground’.

The Big Book of Suppurating Wounds. One of a number of coffee table books doing the rounds this season, this compilation of 117 pin-sharp, blown-up pictures of oozing, pus-filled wounds on all parts of the human body is a must for flicking through after Christmas lunch.

Find Out What Happened When These 28 French Huguenots Fled Their Homeland Following the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes… Number 14 Will Blow Your Mind!, David S. Katz. BuzzFeed’s ill-advised foray into the world of academic history.

My Story, Bruce Forsyth. Brucie’s latest autobiography lifts the lid on his years of Strictly, his life at the BBC during the golden years of light entertainment in the 1970s, and his time as a brutal enforcer for the Richardson gang in early 1960s Soho.

Will This Do?, some twenty-three year old you’ve never heard of. Inexplicable book apparently written by a young man who regularly tops seven million views on YouTube for videos featuring him playing Fallout 4 and having rambling, disjointed conversations with his friends. Will make you despair for humanity, and confirm that you have finally left your youth behind as you realise you have no common cultural frame of reference with anyone under the age of thirty.

December 8, 2015

Trump calls for ban on electricity entering the US

by philapilus
File:Donald August 19 (cropped).jpg

Thoughtful: moments after the static left his hair looking like this, Trump hatches his plan for containment and annihilation

Donald Trump has called for a national ban on electricity today, after suffering a ‘static attack’ that completely ruined his carefully coiffured hair.

The Republican presidential hopeful was just entering a revolving door when he received an electric shock, caused by a perfect storm of rubber soles, nylon carpet, and a bloated bag of wind.

Trump immediately called a press conference, launching a tirade against “Un-American electricity that hides in the carpet, or the wall, or the air, and then

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