Archive for ‘Society’

November 23, 2014

UK responds to SAS killing jihadis: “AWWWWWW YEAHHHH!!!”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/31/NTS_-_BEEF_-_WATUSI.jpg

BOOM! It’s just like we’ve got a massive penis

It was revealed today that the SAS has been carrying out strikes on ISIS, and has killed around 200 jihadis in just four weeks, leading most British men to say “AWWWWWWW YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”, really very loudly.

A defence source confirmed that “SAS squads are being

November 19, 2014

Horses “better than police in every way”

by philapilus

Only one of these two won’t try and chat you up when you’re reporting a rape

A study has found that police horses are more friendly, better at preventing and solving crime, and less institutionally racist than their human counterparts.

The study, commissioned by the Association of Police Officers and conducted by the University of Oxford, suggests that over 80% of those interviewed “Would choose a horse over a person to come and investigate crimes such as domestic burglary, assault, and car theft.”

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “The general feeling was that horses were gentler, less sarcastic, and would not make you wait as long for

November 18, 2014

Miliband nearly defeats small child in debate

by philapilus

In what has become a very unhealthy pattern, Ed once again tried to overcome his misery by comfort-eating until he threw up

After what Ed Miliband’s supporters called his “completely unfair ambush” at the hands of political heavyweight, Myleene Klass, the leader of the opposition rallied this morning, and performed incredibly well in an argument with a 10 year old.

Miliband was seen leaving the ITV studios in tears yesterday, where Klass had destroyed him on The Agenda programme with questions like “Are you sure you’ve thought this Mansion Tax through?” and “Don’t you have any other plans?”

But this morning Miliband was not so easily cowed by pupil Samantha Furcup, age 10, who said to

November 17, 2014

“Kissing?! Ewww, gross.” say Dutch scientists

by philapilus

“Urrrgh! That’s DISGUSTING!”

A group of Dutch scientists have published a report claiming that kissing “is totally yuck, gay, and gives you cooties.”

The team from the Netherlands Organisation for Applied Scientific Research spent many months hanging around behind the bikesheds, spying on couples kissing, occasionally shouting rude words at them, and then running away.

Professor Dick van Dyck said “We’ve seen a lot of couples snogging now, and

November 14, 2014

Fifa branching out into banking

by philapilus

You might say the goalposts have been moved. And done up quite a bit too.

After the Fifa ethics row deepened yesterday, with investigator Michael Garcia accusing judge Hans Joachim-Eckert of misrepresentation, the governing body has announced its intention to diversify into banking.

Fifa’s Strategic Analyst, Hans Onmycok, said “Allegations of corruption over the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World cup tournaments to Russia and Qatar have shown us that it’s quite hard to get away with impropriety.

“What we need is to make our operation appear legitimate on the outside, whilst stuffed to the brim with criminal financial deals on the inside, and to

November 13, 2014

Rosetta’s ‘Philae’ lands on comet, celebrities disembark

by philapilus

Soon all this boring space-rock shit will be replaced with live footage of Charles Kennedy trying to lick Marmite off his foot for a dare

The Philae probe,  successfully landed on Comet 67/P yesterday, has now locked securely to the surface, and unfolded into a house full of cameras and celebrities, as planned.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough branch of the European Space Agency, said “The extraordinary achievement of sending Rosetta on a 10 year, 6 billion km journey, is considerable.

“But now the really important part of the mission is about to begin: beaming back footage for the first ever series of ‘I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Off This Comet’.”

A number of

November 11, 2014

Cameron scores major EU victory, demanding legislation already in place

by philapilus

“And another thing; we demand that all of Europe apart from us adopt a common currency and call it, I dunno, ‘the Euro’, or something.”

The Conservatives are claiming credit for putting pressure on Europe today, after a thing they have been pushing for turned out to be already covered under current laws.

David Cameron said that an EU Court ruling, that member states can refuse financial aid to so-called benefit tourists,  “Supports not only my opinion, but the whole thinking of the Conservative party in general.

“I am glad they have finally bowed to British pressure, my requests, and decent common sense, in introducing this legal right, several years before I demanded they do so.”

But some critics suggest

November 10, 2014

Catatonia: We will not be cowed by Spain

by philapilus

“All we want is freedom from Spain, Yaki Da!”

In an unofficial poll, Welsh indie rock band Catatonia have voted overwhelmingly for independence from Spain.

Breathy-voiced lead singer Cerys Matthews said “That’s popular opinion, see? There’s lovely int it? It’s about time Spain let us go, see? We’ll do very well without them, so we will.”

The independence ballot was an act of defiance, after a ruling by the Spanish constitutional court refused to allow a referendum on autonomy for the famous ’90s britpop act.

The Spanish

November 7, 2014

Deceitful band frontman CAN hear you

by philapilus

He knows EXACTLY what you’re saying, the deceitful little jerk

It has emerged that the lead singer or frontman of every band on the planet can actually hear the audience, despite frequent protestations to the contrary.

Musicians admitted that the whole  ‘Are you having a good time?…  I can’t HEAR you! I SAID: ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?!’ is actually a ruse, intended to arouse more excitement and adulation from screaming fans.

Audience member Dwayne Tank said “I see a

November 7, 2014

Absolutely no one challenging Miliband for ‘unwanted’ leadership

by philapilus

Gold-plated job security: when literally everyone else would rather die than take over from you

Labour rebels denied attempts to overthrow Ed Miliband today, adding that no matter how dissatisfied they were with him, they couldn’t find a single person willing to take over and lead the Labour party into catastrophic general election defeat next year.

Rebel Wedge Antilles, MP for Little Chittface in Hampshire, said “Well, there has been a fair bit of sniping about Ed behind his back. There’s been clandestine meetings where everyone is trying to make out that they’re planning leadership challenges, and so forth, mostly out of bravado.

“But actually we haven’t found a single person who will go through with it and usurp Ed’s place. It’s a shit job, and

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