Archive for ‘Society’

March 2, 2015

Prince William in China to meet new masters

by philapilus

Proudly fluttering above Windsor Castle as of right now, says the Express

The Duke of Cambridge arrived in China yesterday for a state visit in which he will be promoting British values, championing wildlife causes, and generally getting to know Britain’s future rulers.

Prince William is the first British Royal to visit the country for almost three decades, and will be the first to place a ceremonial kiss on the buttocks of President Xi Jinping.

The Prince said “Gosh I’m just sooo super-chuffed to be here, yah, it’s just rally super to

March 2, 2015

CAGE sways Mail over ‘nice guy’ Jihadi John

by philapilus
File:Seeboden Treffling Burg Sommeregg Foltermuseum Guillotine 24082007 31.jpg

The mass beheadings that characterised the French Revolution started because a palace guard gave Robespierre a wedgie, and then flicked his earlobe – FIVE TIMES

The Daily Mail said it has “changed its editorial view” of Mohammed Emwazi, the terrorist known as Jihadi John, after reviewing the press conference held last week by advocacy group, CAGE.

The Islamic State militant was the subject of a tribute by CAGE director, Asim Qureshi, who praised Emwazi’s “Beauty, gentleness, softness, lovingness, kindness, sexiness, impressive trouser-snake, skill with a blade, and come-to-bed eyes.”

Mail editor Paul Dacre said today “The editorial team have watched the recording, and we were all really moved. Especially when Qureshi started crying because of how poor Jihadi John had been forced – utterly against his own will – into beheading people because

February 24, 2015

Natalie Bennett wins private bet for longest ever “Errrrm”

by philapilus
File:Natalie Bennett.jpg

There was a worrying moment halfway through when it seemed the sound might mutate into an ‘ummmm’, but she pulled it back marvellously.

The leader of the Green Party was jubilant today, after winning a jackpot of £15.37 for using the word “Erm” continuously for almost ten minutes.

Natalie Bennett was interviewed by Nick Ferrari for LBC Radio, and when asked how the Greens would fund their promised 500,000 new homes, Bennett launched into an epic “Errrrrrrrrrrrrm…” that Ferrari was powerless to interrupt.

Bennett explained after the interview “Caroline Lucas and Amelia Womack bet me all the change they had in their pockets that I wasn’t brave enough to do it. They were

February 23, 2015

Oscars 2015: Douglas Hurd ‘Surprised but delighted’ with Best Director Gong

by philapilus

 

 

Oddie missed his night of glory, having been refused entry to the ceremony after turning up pissed in a Hawaiian shirt

Lord Douglas Hurd expressed astonishment at his “completely unexpected” Oscars win last night, for directorial debut ‘Birdman’, his fictionalised account of the life of Bill Oddie.

Unable to attend the ceremony because of onerous government duties in Westminster, Hurd’s acceptance speech was read out by avid twitcher and bearhunter, Chris Packham.

“Douglas says; ‘I never thought for a moment that the biggest film award ceremony in the world would show such interest in the life of a former Goodie, but am

February 19, 2015

Boris to be even more British

by unpseudable

Boris’ inability to whistle the Star-Spangled Banner reveals where his loyalties lie

With the news this week that Boris Johnson plans to approach the US ambassador with the intention of relinquishing his American citizenship, reports are coming in that Matthew Barzun, the ambassador himself, has beaten the capital’s mayor to it.

Barzun yesterday announced that he would contact Johnson personally to fast-track his application.  “I only just heard about this to be honest.  I tend to ignore pretty much everything Boris says as a matter of course, obviously, but eventually an aide brought it to my attention.  Apparently he believes the process to be unnecessarily laborious – that we just don’t make it easy enough.  Well, that won’t do.  I’m going to contact the mayor this very instant and guide him through the business.  We could get rid of- get it resolved by the end of the week.”

Johnson made a statement

February 18, 2015

Jon Snow “became burglar to support drugs habit”

by philapilus
File:Jon Snow.jpg

Snow toking on a disguised bong. Note how out of focus the drugs make him appear

Veteran newsreader Jon Snow was arrested by police this morning, after being discovered apparently  burgling the house of Sir Trevor McDonald.

Snow recently participated in a medical trial smoking skunk for a Channel 4 documentary, and subsequently graduated from the potent cannabis to crack, and then heroin, in the space of twenty minutes.

A police spokesman said “As we all know, using any form of drug whatsoever immediately leads to using all of the others, selling your body to fat truck drivers, and then robbing your

February 10, 2015

Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to

February 6, 2015

Publishers hoping To Kill a Mockingbird sequel will feature wizards and vampires

by philapilus
File:Atticus and Tom Robinson in court.gif

“Maybe Atticus Finch has given up the unprofitable underdog lawsuits, and now runs a Secret Service school for turning delinquent kids into superspies? And his best friend is a giant robot.”

Publishers waiting to get their hands on Harper Lee’s manuscript Go Set A Watchman, said today they are hoping it will be very much in keeping with the current zeitgeist, with a plot that brings together wizards, angry dwarves, and a love triangle between a werewolf, a vampire and a zombie.

According to a spokesman for HarperCollins; “The sequel, which was actually written at the same time as To Kill A Mockingbird, will ideally continue the story of the impetuous Jean Louise ‘Scout’ Finch, and follow her enrolling in Pigverrucas School of Wizardry, battling other children as part of a

February 4, 2015

Fatties celebrate news that ‘jogging is bad for you’

by philapilus

Bit overweight? Well whatever you do, do NOT start exercising

A paper published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology has claimed that too much jogging is bad for you — news which has delighted large people everywhere.Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough College of Sloth, wheezed “Those of us who have trouble getting through doorways are feeling extremely smug today.

“Finally we have a put down for all those joggers who smirk at our girth as they pass: ‘enjoy your heart attack, fitboy!’

“The rotund shall

February 3, 2015

Boots’ boss: “Miliband doesn’t understand the importance of my not paying taxes”

by philapilus

“If only Miliband could understand economics” said Lord Rose, who competently oversaw a 30% drop in shares at M&S, before becoming a lord.

The CEO of Boots, Stefano Pessina, has launched a telling attack on the Labour party, claiming that they “simply do not understand why it is vital to the UK economy that I live in Monaco, rather than the UK where I would have to pay lots of tax.”

Pessina joined other business leaders in lambasting Labour’s “lack of awareness of how capitalism works” citing the party’s “indulgent and unrealistic desire to see shitmunchers being able to afford both commuting costs and heating bills”.

The former boss of

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