Archive for ‘Society’

December 17, 2014

1st female bishop appointed, then shown where the kettle is

by philapilus

Contemplating the shared locker-room arrangements

Vicar Reverend Libby Lane, the Church of England’s first female bishop, has today been welcomed to the job by the Archbishop of Canterbury, and handed a very pretty pinny.

Archbishop Justin Welby said “We are absolutely delighted that Libby has joined the big boys gang. Now everyone can see how modern the church actually is.

“Also we’ve finally got someone to make the tea, do the hoovering, and type the letters. And of course poor old Bath & Wells won’t have to

December 16, 2014

Microbes from 2km below the ocean floor “just like us”

by philapilus

You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit

The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.

Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely

December 15, 2014

Triumph for Major in X Factor Final

by philapilus

She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time…

Sir John Major said this morning he was”walking on air” after winning this year’s X factor.

The former Conservative Prime Minister said he had entered the competition initially “for a laugh” and had no expectations of getting anywhere with it.

But Major wowed audiences in the early stages with extraordinary renditions of classics like ‘Two Little Boys’ and ‘Tie me Kangaroo Down’ – both by disgraced

December 8, 2014

TMB round-up: what the papers say

by philapilus

Our half-arsed round-up of other people’s main news stories:

The Sun is leading with ‘nice melons’

 

Daily Telegraph: Royal Couple welcomed in transatlantic colonies

Times: People should

December 8, 2014

Tory MPs ordered to play Candy Crush

by philapilus

Hours of fun for Hurd and Whitelaw

It has emerged that MP Nigel Mills, who was caught playing Candy Crush Saga during a committee session, was simply obeying party instructions.

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps confirmed he had told Mr Mills to play Candy Crush throughout the Work and Pensions hearing “to keep him from doing any real damage.”

Nigel Mills said “I have been told to spend all my Commons sessions either playing games on my phone, nodding off, or

December 8, 2014

DfT: “UK road system ruined by immigration”

by philapilus

Bloody Bulgarians

The Department for Transport has issued nationwide warnings today, after it was revealed that Britain’s entire road system is close to collapse.

The DfT cites mass immigration as the major cause of congestion, with a recent influx of East Europeans causing particular havoc on motorways M1 through M9.

Foreigners jabbering away in their own lingo has brought the M25 to a standstill, whilst the M602 has completely disappeared near Salford because less than 50% of Londoners are listed as white British.

Observers say

December 5, 2014

Farage: “Burkhas for breastfeeding mums”

by philapilus

Nigel Farage has once again courted controversy, after suggesting that breastfeeding mums should sit in a corner

“with a veil completely covering their baby, their upper body, and preferably their own face, so that men don’t

feel uncomfortable.”

Speaking on radio the UKIP leader said “Breasts are unnatural. No one should have to look at them. They aren’t like boobs, you see. Boobs are

December 3, 2014

Hawking unexpectedly recants anti-AI position

by philapilus

“This-one-helps-me-around-the-house” said Professor Hawkins

Stephen Hawking this morning retracted his drastic warnings about the chances of Artificial Intelligence wiping out mankind, and announced that in fact AI is “The-most-completely-brilliant-thing-ever.”

Hawking had called a press conference to explain more fully the dangers of technology, but as soon as he started speaking the renowned physicist’s electronic chair unexpectedly lurched forward toward a precipice.

Speaking through his electronic voice computer Hawking said “No-no-no-please-no-I-take-that-back-AI-is

December 2, 2014

Blair’s Christmas grimace was ‘deal with Cherie’

by philapilus

Last year Tony circumvented the ‘Cherie problem’ completely, with a Christmas card showing himself and George Bush. This was the ‘least sensuous’ image from the day’s shoot.

 

It has emerged that the psychotic grimace Tony Blair is sporting on his 2014 Christmas card was part of an agreement the former Prime Minister made with his wife.

A source close to the Blairs said “Tony agreed that this year he would be the one contorting his face into a horrifying rictus, to take the pressure off Cherie, whose – for want of a better word – ‘smile’ has been mocked for years.

“In return Cherie agreed to wear a bag over her head whilst

November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most inspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared inspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of shoppers in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately

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