Archive for ‘Society’

April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

April 22, 2015

New Zealand PM told ‘pulling hair isn’t foreplay’

by philapilus

“Sorry, sorry; tell me again, last time I promise. It’s just really hard to remember. Does no mean yes, or does yes mean no?”

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, has been sternly reminded today that he isn’t 9 years old, and asked to refrain from pulling the hair of girls he fancies.

Key has had to formally apologise to a waitress whose ponytail he has been habitually pulling for months. Witnesses said however that his contrition was slightly ruined by his subsequent request to grope the waitress’s boobs, by way of making it up to her.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said “Mr Key does not consider a bit of light ponytail-tugging to be abusive, any more than a quick slap on the bum would be. It’s

April 13, 2015

Game of Thrones leak reveals Downton crossover

by philapilus

Suddenly has a huge following amongst members of the National Trust

The leaking of several new Game of Thrones episodes online has left fans confused today, after the shock revelation that Season 5 involves a crossover with BBC period drama, Downton Abbey.

Thrones’ and Downton addicts alike were baffled as a montage of both series’ opening scenes apparently randomly juxtaposed the twee toffery of Downton, with what is essentially just Dungeons and Dragons with tits.

Superfan Geoff Shovel said “Me and the missus thought the TV was on the blink. But then that stately home from the show she likes magically relocated itself to Westeroth after being struck by lightning, and

April 10, 2015

Clarkson frontrunner for new British Museum director

by philapilus

It’s thought that Clarkson will turn the famous round reading room into a motorcycle ‘globe of death’

It has emerged that disgraced Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, has become the bookies’ favourite for the soon-to-be vacated top job at the British Museum.

Speculation grew after Clarkson pulled out of a scheduled Have I Got News For You appearance, and simultaneously took out some books about pyramids from the children’s section of his local library.

Jeremy’s friend admitted yesterday that “JC just wants a bit of time to brush up on his knowledge of world cultural history. Which is dire.”

Sajid Javid, Minister for

April 8, 2015

Less than 1 month till morons refuse to vote

by philapilus

Unfortunately they only get one vote each, and one vote won’t make any difference at all

As the general election looms, dickwads across the country have begun rehearsing their stupid rants about why they won’t vote.

With less than 1 month to go, the political parties are stepping up their campaigns to win over the electorate, which sadly will be largely ineffectual because the few people who bother to vote, vote the same way every time, and 15m people in the UK are too thick or too self-absorbed to make it to the polling station.

Non-voter Samantha Furcup said “I think Russell Brand’s knocked the screw on the head with a saw. The whole political class is

April 7, 2015

American Pie song “is actually about pie”

by philapilus

‘The Levy was dry’ refers to the dark day when Mclean’s favourite shop, Levy’s Little Bakery, ran out of stewed apples

Fans of American Pie, the so-called ‘song of the century’ were left reeling with disappointment today, after 16 pages of notes revealed that Don Mclean’s 8 1/2 minute epic is actually just about pies.

The manuscript, which is to be auctioned at Christie’s, was expected to contain detailed annotations for some of the song’s stranger lyrical moments, providing commentary and explanation for phrases that have been puzzled over by fans for decades.

But, says auctioneer Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, the document is basically one very long list of the types of pie that Don Mclean was particularly fond of.

Fanshawe-Haines-Haines said “My hands were

April 1, 2015

Tories say ‘votes of 100 bosses are the only ones that matter’

by philapilus

British money has not been given the vote yet

The Conservative party expressed its delight this morning, after a supposedly unsolicited letter signed by 100 business leaders backed Cameron for a second term.

Grant Shapps, party chairman, said “The rest of the electorate can fuck off now. These people are richer, cleverer and more important than all of you. With their votes, it’s in the bag.

“Fuck off Britain. Your leaders have spoken.”

Businessman Mike Ock said

March 30, 2015

Katie Hopkins joins Labour campaign with pledge to leave UK

by philapilus

Hopkins is the only female journalist whose existence was prophesied in the Book of Revelation: “Yea, and forth shall come a right bitch who will be unto you as a shard of broken glass through thine eyeballs, and a grating noise of horror in thine ears. And ye shall despair.”

Official Mouthpiece of Satan, Katie Hopkins, has unexpectedly joined forces with Ed Miliband, promising the UK that she will “fuck off forever and leave you all alone, if you promise to vote for Labour”.

Taking to Twitter, the professional harridan said “I guarantee that if Ed becomes PM I will leave this country and never come back. I might even get a surgeon to fuse my jaws together and cut off my typing finger, if you’re lucky.”

Labour spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “When Katie’s agent told us she

March 27, 2015

Clarkson: ‘Leave my friend Ois alone, or I’ll punch him in the face again’

by philapilus

“Why can’t you take a leaf out of my book and just be nice to him?”

Jeremy Clarkson has railed at journalists for pestering Oisin Tymon, the producer he punched, leading to his own dismissal from the BBC.

The former Top Gear presenter said he was irate about seeing “Poor little Oisin being hassled by all of you journos, just because I punched him. Oisin has the right to be punched in privacy!

“In this age of

March 27, 2015

Rediscovered remains of Richard III rediscovered again

by philapilus

He was ever so good with kids

The rediscovered corpse of King Richard III has been re-rediscovered this morning in Leicester Cathedral by a team of archaeologists.

The body, which had previously gone missing, then been found under a car park, dug up, seen by thousands of people and featured in a memorial service on live TV, disappeared forever again yesterday.

But just hours ago the semi-mythical remains were refound in Leicester Cathedral by a

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