Archive for ‘Society’

August 1, 2014

Dawkins to be date-raped and stranger-raped in name of science

by philapilus

“Um, did I just say something monumentally stupid?”

Scientist Richard Dawkins has agreed to be raped, once by a friend and once by a complete stranger, in order to test scientifically his pronouncement that the former is preferable.

Speaking to the Today programme, Dawkins said “Look, the point I was making is a very simple one: saying X is worse than Y is not an endorsement of X – that’s just plain logic.

“But, as I have made these particular predictions, I feel I have to test my hypotheses, in the spirit of scientific enquiry. I am a man of

July 30, 2014

Athlete denies agreeing with everyone else about Glasgow

by philapilus
File:Usain Bolt (9394490576).jpg

Please God let me get out of this pit alive

Olympic champion Usain Bolt has denied reports that he called the Glasgow Commonwealth Games “a bit shit” and has insisted that the event and the hosting city are both “absolutely brilliant”.

The Times newspaper reported that the runner had made the disparaging comments yesterday, and said that Bolt’s opinions “proved the rest of the Commonwealth stands united with the UK in regarding Glasgow as the arsehole of the British Isles.”

But at a press conference this afternoon, Bolt stood up in front of a crowd of assorted journalists and said the claims were untrue, and that he was having a whale of a time.

This raised a grunt of approval from the

July 30, 2014

Israel and Palestine “giving war another chance”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Damaged_housing_gaza_strip_april_2009.jpg

“Let’s stick together, come on, come on, let’s stick together”

The opposing armed forces of Israel and Hamas have agreed to give conflict another go, saying that there is just too much history between them to give up on it now.

After suffering a night of heavy bombardment that saw scores of people dead, Palestine said this morning “We’ve been together so long, and I don’t want to just walk away from all that.

“What kind of a heartless bastard would I have to be not to repay Israel in kind for last night? After which hopefully it will retaliate again, and we can stay together, doing this for the rest of our lives.”

Israel said “There comes a time when

July 29, 2014

Police ‘to politely ask criminals not to do crime’

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/Capture-of-Blackbeard.jpg

These chaps are downloading the new Planet of the Apes film

The City of London police force announced this morning that it will replace all traditional forms of policing with new, targeted measures, including internet adverts, handing out ‘please don’t’ leaflets to suspicious characters, and using a loudhailer to ask people kindly to refrain from crime.

The process began with police banner ads appearing on piracy websites, with messages such as “Please don’t engage in piracy” and “You aren’t being naughty are you?” and the guilt-inducing “What would your dear old mum think if she saw you, eh?”

But the force decided to expand its use of such relatively passive means of crime-fighting because they are “cheaper, easier, safer, and mean we can spend most of the day sitting at a desk dunking bourbon chocolate biscuits in

July 25, 2014

‘Oh NOW you want to get back together’ say ships

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1e/Flickr_-_ronsaunders47_-_NO_MORE_PLEASURE_TRIPS..jpg

“I’ve moved on. Figuratively speaking that is; I mean, I’ve just been sitting here for forty years. But the answer’s still no.”

Ships, ferries and waterborne vessels of all kinds laughed scornfully today, after passengers asked if they could please rekindle their broken relationship.

After yet another devastating plane crash yesterday, this time in Mali, everybody in the world did their normal thing of screaming and running around like headless chickens, then told airplanes it was over for good, and moments later rang up ships, sobbing and begging to be taken back.

Felicity Fergusson, a ferry who used to take people to the continent, before she and others like her were cruelly dumped, said “I thought our love was going to last forever. I mean, I worked my arse off for you. And along come planes, batting their big eyelashes, plumping up their big engines, and you ran away like I was

July 21, 2014

Glaswegians waxing foreheads for 10 days of nuttings

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/48/Zinedine_Zidane_and_Marco_Materazzi_%28retouch%29.jpg/359px-Zinedine_Zidane_and_Marco_Materazzi_%28retouch%29.jpg

The Glasgow Tourist Board has pamphleted the city with Illustrated leaflets reminding the populace how to perform the Glasgow Kiss, and commissioned this uplifting civic sculpture, entitled ‘Glasgow expects every man to do his duty’

Glasgow’s population have been training hard in preparation for the muggings, headbuttings, brutal assaults, and general acts of violence they will be perpetrating during the next fortnight or so, to celebrate the Commonwealth Games.

Visitors from all around the world will flock to the city, with the aim of watching some of the world’s finest athletes compete, although they will, in fact, spend most of their visit lying in gutters moaning, or visiting the city’s overworked casualty wards.

Spokesperson for the Commonwealth Games Federation, Sir Percy Spoke, said “We were desperate not to hold the event in Scotland, but they sent a note threatening ‘tae do youse all in gud an prop’r if ye’ll no hold tha games heeer’, and so we had no choice.

“We have

July 21, 2014

People who use hashtags to be neutered

by philapilus
File:Hashtag.JPG

#forgodssakeno

The government has announced bold legislation intended to curb the use of hashtags by complete idiots on social media.

A No.10 spokesperson said “Fatuous, self-involved morons who make pathetically ill-informed status updates which they then try to elevate and share by following it with #feminism, or #liberty, or #lovinglife or some other shit, will no longer be able to breed.

“To be honest, we did write a long press statement, but there’s no point reading it out. You all know who these utter, utter dickwads are and everyone with any sense can see why it is vital to stamp them out. Bye.”

Samantha Furcup, a telecommunications

July 16, 2014

TMB’s guide to the cabinet reshuffle

by philapilus
File:NYA typing class.gif

The female members of the reshuffled cabinet settle in to their new roles

The Prime Minister’s reshuffle of his cabinet yesterday saw some MPs promoted, some demoted, and some thrown into the Thames with concrete shoes on. Cameron has finished choosing the team that he hopes will take him to victory in the 2015 general election, but while the new cabinet limbers up for battle, here’s our analysis of the recent arrivals and the

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in

July 13, 2014

Motorists baffled by ‘eerily pleasant’ driving

by philapilus
File:Half-empty motorway - geograph.org.uk - 1140736.jpg

In unrelated news, apparently there’s some sort of football match on tonight or something?

Drivers expressed considerable surprise this evening, after the UK’s roads suddenly became relatively pleasant to use, on a day that – coincidentally – some sort of world sporting event is also happening.

Famed for being packed with speeding vehicles driven by complete arseholes, who show no apparent knowledge of the Highway Code or indeed basic human morality, Britain’s roads and motorways have generally been considered “roughly as pleasant as being given eye-surgery by a rabid badger, using only its teeth.”

But this evening, traffic moved at a relatively safe, almost legal pace, and instead of screaming and threatening one another, road-users passed on the country’s highways with barely more than an

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 262 other followers