Archive for ‘Society’

January 29, 2015

Tesco apologises for ‘kill the poor’ strategy

by philapilus

“Now with no added strychnine”

Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.

The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were

January 20, 2015

The Sun becomes ‘force for good’ with end of Page 3

by philapilus

Really desperate tossers could always rotate the page 90 degrees, and pretend this is a large bosom…

The Sun announced today it will be scrapping topless photos, leading everyone to agree that the paper is now basically brilliant, and on its way to becoming a commendable bastion of British journalism.

Sun reader Wendy Nailinthehead said “Before, when they showed women with their knockers out, the Sun was a filthy vessel of

January 19, 2015

Religious leaders ask Cameron to explain relevance of MPs to Britain

by philapilus

Eric arriving at a press conference on his giant black moth

Senior religious figures have written an open letter to the Prime Minister, asking “how the complete fuckwits composing the political class can possibly be seen as contributing to British identity.”

The letter follows one written to Muslim leaders by Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, (once favourably described as ‘like the bloated turd that inevitably blocks the only toilet at a house party’). In his letter, Pickles asked Muslims to explain why rabid xenophobic Britons shouldn’t be allowed to just beat the shit out of them.

Imam Abdul Iqbal said “I thought long and hard about the ways that

January 19, 2015

Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the

January 16, 2015

Pope continues magnificent ‘wave but don’t make waves’ campaign

by philapilus

Pope Francis has continued to highlight the plight of the poor and needy by visiting the Philippines and saying what a bad thing inequality is, whilst sitting in the relative isolation of a bullet-proof car.

The Pope insisted that the best way to defeat poverty is to be pictured smiling and waving at people in threadbare clothes, whilst offering non-specific platitudes about the wealthy that stop short of actually ticking them off per se.

Taking a break from punching his aide, Alberto Gasparri, the

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January 13, 2015

British army generals deny bi-curiousity

by philapilus

“If we don’t know which ones are gay, how can we possibly treat them all the same?”

The MoD has defended questioning of new recruits about homosexuality, claiming that senior soldiers “have the right to know what kind of bumsex is going on underneath them, so to speak.”

Recruits are asked questions including; ‘Are you gay?’ ‘How long have you been gay?’ and ‘What’s it like?’

Further optional questions include

January 13, 2015

MPs to run everything past children

by philapilus

MPs were surprised and dismayed to learn that ‘It’s quite long, and so will cost lots of money’

The government has announced its intention to run all policies past small children, after discovering that they are intellectually better equipped to spot the huge flaws that evade MPs.

The move comes after a 9-year old boy appeared before the HS2 committee and, according to one MP, “deftly explained in words of one syllable quite how fucking stupid the whole thing is.”

Tory MP Mike Ock said “We were all expecting this precocious little know-it-all to fall apart within seconds before our mighty scrutiny, and then we’d spend the rest of the day patronising the fuck out of him.

“But actually, he turned up, basically said ‘This is a pants plan’ and then went on to show us exactly why. It was

January 7, 2015

Satire stopped forever to please fundamentalists

by philapilus

Such a good argument

After the brutal slaughter of civilians at French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, the international satirical community has conceded that hardline fundamentalists have clearly won the intellectual argument.

The murders, apparently committed by Islamic extremists, have shown political pomposity-pricking humorists everywhere that having a bit of a laugh at horrible people is just not on.

Satire-recusant Tim Twanks said “There is literally nothing worse in the world than having a bit of a laugh at someone who’s an arsehole.

“Seriously. If you’re a

January 1, 2015

2014 in Headlines

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2a/Nigel_Farage_Autumn_2008.JPG

Farage beat Kelly Brook to become Mail Online’s ‘Most Beloved Person’

Here at TMB we have Googled tirelessly, for more than three minutes, to remind you of the major news headlines from 2014. This is in no way because our entire reporting staff called in sick with epic hangovers, preventing us from giving you any actual news.

 

Blair rejects Nobel Peace Prize “The money’s shit; I’m insulted”

Eastwood finally guns down Eli Wallach

British public loses battle of wits with puddle

Harrods boss: “Everything I

December 29, 2014

Everyone desperate to see online montage of your 2014

by philapilus

“You’re so brilliantly whacky!” said no one, ever

Everybody you know is clamoring for a social media-based precis of your year, it emerged today.

As millions of people used formulaic Facebook apps, such as quirky pretend newspapers, to provide a lazy potted history of their year, everyone said that really they couldn’t be happy until they had seen yours as well.

Public appetite has risen sharply since last year’s montage, consisting of a bunch of photos of you in the pub, on holiday, or paralytic at that wedding, moments before you

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