Archive for ‘Society’

October 27, 2014

Downton Abbey: TMB’s weekly recap (Series 5 Episode 6)

by philapilus

Downton is the first British Period Drama to feature airborne delivery of a warhead since 1995’s Pride and Prejudice on the BBC

Last night’s Downton was an absolute scorcher of an episode! Starting with a vicious fistfight between Edith and Mary in front of a pack of baying men, it was immediately clear that Series 5 will continue pushing this drama to its limits.

Then there was a nice segue sequence, in which Isis was hung from a tree by a bunch of imbecilic BNP supporters (the programme maintaining its postmodern questioning of

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is

October 21, 2014

Cameron: “I have something important to say about Europe, possibly”

by philapilus

“Come on, come on. Why is this taking me so long? How can it be this hard to have an idea? I know people who have had more than one in a single YEAR…”

The Prime Minister has attempted to breach the divide growing in his own party, by announcing that he might make an announcement about the UK and Europe before Christmas. Probably.

Mr Cameron assured the country and fellow Conservatives that he would “be making a very strong statement, maybe outlining some sort of brilliant strategy, probably in a speech, article, open letter, or possibly in a text to my wife Samantha.

“But the

October 20, 2014

Government to crack down on crazy hormonal mums

by philapilus

‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’

The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.

The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.

The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to

October 17, 2014

Shops now just telling customers to f*ck off

by philapilus

‘Good f*cking riddance…’

The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind

October 10, 2014

Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has

October 10, 2014

Students urged to pee – but stop shitting – in shower

by philapilus

Upright bath, toilet, washing machine, and place to pass out, all rolled into one

A campaign at the University of East Anglia is encouraging students to pee in the shower to save water, but to draw the line at defecating down the plughole.

Student Samantha Furcup said “Our campaign began with the concept of saving water, and raising awareness of

October 9, 2014

GBBO win for ex-PM Major

by philapilus

The judges singled out Major’s ‘Maastricht Muffins’ as one of this year’s highlights

Sir John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” after his victory in yesterday’s final of the 2014 Great British Bake Off.

Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood agreed that the former Conservative prime minister had been “Ahead of the competition from the start.

“His technique and

October 7, 2014

Satan blasts Katie Hopkins’ ‘lack of restraint’

by philapilus

Beelzebub is a hot piece of ass compared with Hopkins

The Devil used his weekly phone-in session on Hampshire local radio to deride Katie Hopkins this morning, after she attacked the McCanns on Twitter.

On his Eagle Radio slot, Lucifer called Hopkins a “moneygrubbing media-whore”, and went on to add “She is viler than

October 6, 2014

UK’s longest Stoptober/Octsober attempt

by philapilus

Millions of these litter the streets today

Britain has achieved its most successful October-abstinence ever, after Glenn Piddel from Gloucester made it through to 11AM this morning without smoking or drinking.

As usual, tens of thousands of people promised to join the concurrent campaigns to give up booze and fags for a month, and bullied friends to sponsor them.

And, also as usual, most people failed by October 3rd, which, falling on a Friday this year, saw

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