Archive for ‘Society’

November 23, 2015

EXCLUSIVE POLL! 1 in 5 writers for The Sun would DROWN A DOG!

by unpseudable

Tom Newton Dunn, Political Editor of The Sun wants to DROWN THIS DOG*

An exclusive TMB poll of current writers for The Sun newspaper has revealed that a shocking 19% would voluntarily drown a dog.

Furthermore, a shocking 38% of respondents said yes they would ‘probably’ or ‘definitely’ burn every tree on the planet.

Ethics guru, Gary Uru responded to these shocking statistics. “These shocking statistics reveal the depth to which those on the payroll of The Sun might hypothetically sink.  Well, we always knew that people who wrote for the paper had more in common with the cockroach than you or me,

November 23, 2015

IS in shock as Paris attacks fail to establish world-wide caliphate

by philapilus

Interestingly not designed by someone who thought batshit-mad medieval edicts and fictional super-powered friends were the be-all and end-all of human endeavour

Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.

Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.

Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a

November 9, 2015

Fappers of the fortnight: Philip Davies MP MP and Alistair Burt MP MP MP

by philapilus

What an odious little shit

Proposed by:

Winnie the Pooh

Proposed for:

Pooh says: “Whether it is filibustering proposals to curb exploitative landlords, blocking a bill to reduce hospital parking charges for carers, or generally cackling maniacally, Philip Davies MP can be relied upon to talk out of his arse for as long as it takes to get the job done.  Or rather, to avoid jobs getting done.

“But hot on his heels this week is Alistair Burt, tory health minister and

November 4, 2015

Hard Rock Cafe not very ‘rock’ at all

by philapilus
File:Black Converse sneakers.JPG

Worn by none other than the girl who cleaned the toilets after not one, but TWO Radiohead gigs

A couple who visited a Hard Rock Cafe yesterday have said they are “extremely surprised at how unrock the place was”.

Tim Twanks from Swindon said “I was kind of expecting it to be like a rock concert, only in a cafe.

“It wasn’t.

“Then I

October 29, 2015

Tories warn women: “Stop bleeding everywhere”

by philapilus

Perfect with caviar and a nice brandy

After defeating  a motion to remove the so-called ‘tampon tax’, the Conservative party has reminded women everywhere that bleeding once a month is a luxury and called upon the female population to “just stop menstruating”.

Treasury spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Women need to remember that the whole period thing is basically just one long self-indulgent pampering session enjoyed monthly.

“This whining about the cost of tampons is

October 27, 2015

Assassin’s Creed Syndicate features man falling over a lot

by philapilus

Moments later he falls down an open manhole

The new Assassin’s Creed has been praised for its dedication to realism, after players discovered that most of the game involves tripping over things and falling into gutters, because of the debilitating hood.

This has been hailed as a bold departure from previous games, which have seen characters perform amazing feats of derring-do and skullduggery, despite having all the field of vision of a mole wrapped up in a sock and then smashed against a wall till it loses consciousness.

AC obsessive Tim Twanks said “I have always wondered how

October 19, 2015

Downton Abbey celebrates the rise of fascist appeasement

by philapilus

The finale to season 47 will feature the obligatory robot butler

Fans of Downton Abbey have lauded the appearance of Neville Chamberlain in last night’s episode, where he prophesied the rise of European fascism, much to the pleasure of the family and staff.

The pseudo-historical soap opera featured the pro-appeasement politician coming to dinner, where he delighted the Earl of Grantham and Lady Violet with a long-winded explanation about how important it is to make friends with powerful, morally bankrupt dictators.

“If only there was a strong leader in Germany,” said Neville, “someone to

October 12, 2015

Andrew Marr is not really allowed to park his fucking green scooter outside the front door, say BBC chiefs

by philapilus

“I don’t give a fuck” said megalomaniac Marr

Senior staff at the BBC have said that Andy Marr has “positively absolutely definitely NOT got permission to leave that stupid green scooter outside the front fucking door.”

The revelation comes after compliance officers investigated complaints that Marr has a God-complex.

On reviewing footage from the opening sequence of the Andrew Marr show, they notice

October 7, 2015

People “worse than radiation” report claims

by unpseudable


A study into the area surrounding Chernobyl has found that wildlife is thriving, despite the high levels of radiation.  The few reports of monstrously mutated ferocious four-headed beasts are as yet unsubstantiated.

The complete absence of human meddling in the area in the 29 years since the explosion at the nuclear reactor has allowed animals to live happily, unhampered by people.

This surprising flourishing of wildlife has led scientists to conclude that humans themselves, just doing ordinary human things, are even worse for the planet than the hideously destructive things they invent.

Report author Arthur Orton stated, “It’s quite an indictment really isn’t it?  

October 4, 2015

2015 tory conference: Hunt mobbed by fans, Cameron praised for tax credit cuts

by philapilus


The 2015 Conservative conference has already been judged a huge success, with witnesses describing an electric atmosphere at the Manchester venue.

Activists and party grandees cheered and cried out ‘Hosanna’ as David Cameron arrived riding his giant wild boar, Pickles, and strewing the ground before him with palm leaves.

After the prime minister dismounted he pissed in the face of a street urchin and announced that he would not be changing his mind on


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