Archive for ‘Society’

March 27, 2015

Clarkson: ‘Leave my friend Ois alone, or I’ll punch him in the face again’

by philapilus

“Why can’t you take a leaf out of my book and just be nice to him?”

Jeremy Clarkson has railed at journalists for pestering Oisin Tymon, the producer he punched, leading to his own dismissal from the BBC.

The former Top Gear presenter said he was irate about seeing “Poor little Oisin being hassled by all of you journos, just because I punched him. Oisin has the right to be punched in privacy!

“In this age of

March 27, 2015

Rediscovered remains of Richard III rediscovered again

by philapilus

He was ever so good with kids

The rediscovered corpse of King Richard III has been re-rediscovered this morning in Leicester Cathedral by a team of archaeologists.

The body, which had previously gone missing, then been found under a car park, dug up, seen by thousands of people and featured in a memorial service on live TV, disappeared forever again yesterday.

But just hours ago the semi-mythical remains were refound in Leicester Cathedral by a

March 24, 2015

Cameron: ‘I can’t afford to stay in low-paid job for 10 more years’

by philapilus

‘But…but…you *can’t* go! We’ll miss you so much!’ said no one

David Cameron shocked pundits yesterday by announcing he would definitely not be standing for a third term as Prime Minister.

In an interview with the BBC, the PM said “Britain is fixed now. There’s no inflation at all! The 150 people who have actually still got any money will be delighted! I really don’t need to stay around now that I have made everything brilliant.

“Also, if I’m honest I’ve done this shitty minimum-wage work for five years already, and I want to move onto the big league and earn some serious

March 23, 2015

LGBT activists join Ukip after meeting Farage at pub

by philapilus

‘Beetles in my teeth taught me how to breathe’

A group of LGBT rights campaigners, who targeted Nigel Farage by staging a protest at his local pub, have said the encounter led them to convert to Ukip en masse.

The carnivalesque demonstration, involving protestors in fancy dress lampooning UKip’s perceived targeting of minority groups, ended up benefitting from one of Farage’s impromptu speeches, and soon came to see his point of view.

Protest organiser, Tim Twanks, said “We really thought we’d have him on the ropes. I was dressed in a big pink girl’s dress with a plastic baby strapped to my bared fake boob. But after listening to Nigel for a few minutes, I realised how

March 17, 2015

UK to start again with single-celled organisms

by philapilus

When evolution reaches this stage it is time to prime the machines

It has been agreed that all so-called intelligent life within the UK is to be eradicated imminently, leaving the land barren and void in the hope that something better than us might eventually evolve.

Scientific and military authorities were given the go-ahead, after the news that judges are being fired in their droves for looking at porn on work computers, that police and MPs covered up endemic paedophilia within their ranks, and that Oliver Letwin still hasn’t yet fucked off.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough College of the Apocalypse said “For month after month Britain has just been subjected to an unending diarrhoeic stream of

March 17, 2015

Drunks pretending it’s a ‘one-off’ for St Patrick’s Day

by philapilus

Breakfast

Inveterate alcoholics across the UK held their heads up high this morning, and said that the only reason they were completely pissed before 7AM was because of a deep connection to their Irish roots.

The National Association of Heavy Drinkers insisted that getting rat-arsed on St Patrick’s Day is “as culturally significant and religiously important as ganja is to Rastafarians, or children are to Catholics.”

Tim Twanks, who

March 12, 2015

Millions back Clarkson in campaign for ‘freedom of violence’

by philapilus

“I am saddened by this infringement of my human rights” said Jeremy

Across the world this week millions of people have signed a petition in support of Jeremy Clarkson’s crusade for the right to punch colleagues in the workplace.

Having been villified, censured and suspended by the BBC, simply for gently attacking a co-worker, Jeremy ‘Jesus’ Clarkson has become the spearhead of a movement which aims to protect core human rights.

This morning Mr Clarkson said “If we let them stop us from punching each other in the head today, then tomorrow they’ll be telling us not to use racial slurs, and

March 2, 2015

Prince William in China to meet new masters

by philapilus

Proudly fluttering above Windsor Castle as of right now, says the Express

The Duke of Cambridge arrived in China yesterday for a state visit in which he will be promoting British values, championing wildlife causes, and generally getting to know Britain’s future rulers.

Prince William is the first British Royal to visit the country for almost three decades, and will be the first to place a ceremonial kiss on the buttocks of President Xi Jinping.

The Prince said “Gosh I’m just sooo super-chuffed to be here, yah, it’s just rally super to

March 2, 2015

CAGE sways Mail over ‘nice guy’ Jihadi John

by philapilus
File:Seeboden Treffling Burg Sommeregg Foltermuseum Guillotine 24082007 31.jpg

The mass beheadings that characterised the French Revolution started because a palace guard gave Robespierre a wedgie, and then flicked his earlobe – FIVE TIMES

The Daily Mail said it has “changed its editorial view” of Mohammed Emwazi, the terrorist known as Jihadi John, after reviewing the press conference held last week by advocacy group, CAGE.

The Islamic State militant was the subject of a tribute by CAGE director, Asim Qureshi, who praised Emwazi’s “Beauty, gentleness, softness, lovingness, kindness, sexiness, impressive trouser-snake, skill with a blade, and come-to-bed eyes.”

Mail editor Paul Dacre said today “The editorial team have watched the recording, and we were all really moved. Especially when Qureshi started crying because of how poor Jihadi John had been forced – utterly against his own will – into beheading people because

February 24, 2015

Natalie Bennett wins private bet for longest ever “Errrrm”

by philapilus
File:Natalie Bennett.jpg

There was a worrying moment halfway through when it seemed the sound might mutate into an ‘ummmm’, but she pulled it back marvellously.

The leader of the Green Party was jubilant today, after winning a jackpot of £15.37 for using the word “Erm” continuously for almost ten minutes.

Natalie Bennett was interviewed by Nick Ferrari for LBC Radio, and when asked how the Greens would fund their promised 500,000 new homes, Bennett launched into an epic “Errrrrrrrrrrrrm…” that Ferrari was powerless to interrupt.

Bennett explained after the interview “Caroline Lucas and Amelia Womack bet me all the change they had in their pockets that I wasn’t brave enough to do it. They were

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