Archive for ‘Society’

July 21, 2015

Rob Wilson MP defends 1 1/2p claim for breathing

by philapilus

“You’d be amazed how much shit comes out of me every day” said Wilson

Conservative MP Rob Wilson has lashed out at critics for drawing attention to small expenses claims he has made for driving 350 yards, riding his bicycle, and breathing.

The Member for Reading East said that “As a public servant my every waking moment is spent serving the public. Therefore everything I do during those working moments should be paid for by the public. And as I only receive a salary for my MP work, I see nothing wrong in claiming everything else on expenses.”

His most regular claims revealed by IPSA include: breathing, at 1 1/2p per breath; getting dressed, at 11p per day (13p if it’s a weekend); peeing, at 3p per 200ml; and

July 17, 2015

Tim Farron to lead small remainder of Lib Dem party

by philapilus

The future Prime Minister/store manager of a branch of Greggs

Tim Farron has defeated opponent Norman Lamb to become the new leader of the Liberal Democrats after winning no fewer than 19 of the 33 votes cast.

Farron assembled the entire party in a village church hall, where he apologised that the premises were too spacious before praising the ‘new army’ of Lib Dem supporters. He explained that 17 people had joined the party since the general election, bringing the total number of party supporters to an impressive 56

“17 is just a massive number,” said Farron. “It’s much bigger than 11, bigger even than 15, and only slightly less than

July 16, 2015

Trade Unions not really necessary anymore, says government

by philapilus

None of these people brought the mandatory armadillo which would have made the strike legal, so they were all thrown off Beachy Head

The government has said that its plans to change the way Trade Unions vote on strikes are in no way an assault on workers’ rights because “workers already have everything they want”.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid said “All those people who are saying that this will make legal strikes impossible are overlooking the fact that no one really wants to strike anymore. We’ve fixed pretty much everything, and everyone is happy.

“What we need is a country that works for working people who work at the right kind of work and don’t work with other workers to

July 13, 2015

News briefs: “England’s my bitch now ” says Sturgeon

by philapilus

Sturgeon was last seen heading to Westminster in her Ministerial transport

The First Minister of Scotland has said that if England thinks it can decide anything by itself it is “very much fucking mistaken”, after hearing proposals that would allow only English MPs to vote on legislation applicable only to England.

Sturgeon said “I don’t care if

July 12, 2015

John Major “surprised but delighted” after Wimbledon victory

by philapilus

Sheer class

Sir John Major has said he is “surprised – delighted but surprised!” after beating Novak Djokovic to win Wimbledon yesterday.

The 72 year old former Prime Minister, who beat the 28 year old defending champion in 4 sets, said “I didn’t know I had it in me! To be honest it’s the first time I’d picked up a racket since school.”

To the surprise of many pundits, the racket Major used was in fact the old school racket mentioned, a vintage wooden affair – certainly a strange choice against Djokovic’s

July 12, 2015

Gove overturns draconian legislation of previous government (whoever they were)

by philapilus

Don’t take the piss though

Michael Gove has cemented his reputation as a trailblazing social reformer, after reversing legislation restricting the number of books prisoners are allowed – a measure presumably put in place by an as yet unknown scheming malefactor.

The Justice Secretary said “This draconian law is precisely the sort of thing that the Conservative party has always been completely against. I literally cannot imagine what kind of government could have thought this was a good idea.

“Best if we don’t look into it though I reckon. It’s not important who introduced it or when. All that matters is

July 8, 2015

‘Grexit’ renamed ‘Greverlasting wrangle’

by philapilus

He might be a bit stubborn, but to be fair he was elected as the leader of Greece; you know, to lead Greece…

As talks over the Greek financial crisis enter their 17th year, the feared departure of Greece from the Euro has been renamed, to reflect the fact that most people now expect the debate to go on interminably.

The chief cause of the neverending dispute appears to lie in the worsening relationship between Greece and her German-led creditors.

Hans Onmycok, Advisor on Financial Wrangles to Angela Merkel, said “Greece needs to know that it is absolutely not OK to have a government that acts according to the democratic will of its people alone. It should be obvious to

July 7, 2015

Daily Mail to make official policy decisions on terrorism

by philapilus

The Daily Mail: literally never wrong, nor batshit mad

It has been announced that the Daily Mail will be allowed to make key decisions regarding the fate of British Jihadis, after the former head of counter-terrorism said he thought their ideas were “on the money”.

Robert Quick said “I was working through the policy implications of letting homegrown Islamists join IS provided they agree never to come back, when I suddenly realised that I was basically quoting a Daily Mail article by John Littlerick, saying we should ‘bloody well send ’em out there and good riddance’.

“I started to look through back issues, and found pretty much the same thing had been expressed on every page for a decade. Ever since 7/7 Britain’s meanest-minded journalists have encouraged everyone to think we should stick the towelheads on a plane, then tell them to fuck off and not

July 2, 2015

England’s male team hugely relieved at Lionesses loss

by philapilus

“What a pity” said men, opening the champagne.

Everyone in the country involved in men’s football has breathed a huge collective sigh of relief, after Laura Bassett’s own goal saw the women’s team knocked out of the World Cup.

Manager Roy Hodgson said “Shit that was close! What a stroke of luck; we would have looked like complete incompetents if the girls had got through to the final – something we haven’t achieved since the early days of the Cold War.

“Um, I mean, what a pity that they’ve been knocked out. We were rooting for them all the way.

“Speaking on

June 30, 2015

UK sends bit of fence to France

by philapilus

“Fortunately fences are impossible to break, or indeed to scale” said Brokenshire

The UK government has announced it will send the National Barrier Asset to Calais, to help desperate authorities there cope with the scale of migrants trying to enter Britain illegally.

The National Barrier Asset was developed in the aftermath of terrorist attacks and has been described with glowing reverence by the Ministry of Defence as ‘a really quite long bit of fence’.

Immigration minister, James Brokenshire, said “A shorter bit of the long bit of fence will be sent to France and deployed at their end of the Eurotunnel, to show just

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