Archive for ‘Science and Nature’

April 17, 2014

Sharks “had legs and a prehensile trunk”, new fossil reveals

by philapilus

A new fossil found in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas has debunked the myth that sharks have remained unchanged since before the time of the dinosaurs.

A fascinating new fact about sharks, it is not

The findings, published in the weekly journal Nature, reveal that “Ancient sharks had three legs, long elephant-style trunks, and were covered in thick, luminous yellow fur.

“They also had a growth on the tip of the dorsal fin, shaped exactly like a small chicken.

“We don’t yet know what the evolutionary purpose of this was.”

Sharks were previously

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 31, 2014

UK completely disoriented by thing that happens every year

by philapilus

“I say we take the hands off and nuke the clock from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

Work has stagnated across the country, and thousands of people were found stumbling around the streets in their pyjamas and dressing gowns, after the annual thing that happens with the clocks once again caught everyone unawares.

Builder Mike Ock said “Has time gone forwards or backwards? Do I get up, or am I meant to stay in bed till it’s dark and/or light? Am I older or younger than I was?

“The clock on the oven says it is 7:30, but does that mean it is actually 8:30 or 6:30? I am completely freaking out.”

Wendy

March 28, 2014

Giant rodent ‘Morganzilla’ found in Swedish kitchen

by philapilus

Many Swedes say they have been unable to sleep since seeing pictures of the rodent, and feel constantly sullied and dirty.

Pictures of a giant Piers Morgan caught in a trap have taken Swedish social media by storm, after a Stockholm family captured the oversize rodent in their kitchen.

Father of four, Eric Ericsson, said to Swedish SVT news “We noticed a foul stench coming from the kitchen, accompanied by a horrible chattering sound.

“I opened the door, and there was this horrible creature sitting there, it’s massive, bloated head between its legs so it could lick its

March 27, 2014

Winnie the Pooh preventing your child from being a genius

by philapilus

Presumably if you know their names you are thicker than porridge

A team from Toronto University has announced that your children would be a bunch of veritable Einsteins by now, if it weren’t for the fact that you read them stories about Paddington Bear, and Peter Rabbit.

Dr Wendy Nailinthehead said “Our research proves that exposing children to the callous lies encoded in texts like ‘The House at Pooh Corner’, will completely destroy their chances of ever getting into a decent university.

“It is precisely because very small children persist in the dangerous delusion, for about a year or so, that animals can talk, that our society is not yet peopled with a master-race of genius-intellectuals.

“Basically

March 26, 2014

Danish zoo: “Lion culling and new ‘Big Game’ restaurant unrelated”

by philapilus

God I could really go for one of those right now; I’m starving

The Danish zoo which gained notoriety for euthanising Marius the giraffe last month has denied that its new culling of four lions is in any way linked to the opening of a new exotic meats restaurant.

Manager of Copenhagen zoo, Pernilla Hvalros, said that ‘Big Game Burger’, which the zoo hopes will one day become an outlet-chain, was “in no way connected with our completely legitimate and necessary killing of big game creatures.”

Hvalros said “Although the menu offers Bacon Double Lion Burgers, and an XL Giraffe-fillet Sandwich, these are just fanciful, playful, product-titles.

“All our burgers are made with meat from the normal cattle; horses, sheep, and maybe the odd cow every now and then.”

March 25, 2014

Selfie donation errors masterminded by polar bears

by philapilus

Contrary to popular belief, many polar bears do wear make-up, especially copious amounts of eye shadow

It was discovered this morning that the donations intended for the ‘no make-up selfie’ campaign which went erroneously to the WWF, were pilfered as part of a clever ursine scam.

Attempts to divert a sizeable portion of the funds into the WWF’s ‘adopt a polar bear’ campaign, were thwarted when Cancer Research UK administrators noticed that the people who came to collect the money were “nine feet tall and considerably more hairy than you’d expect”.

The subsequent evisceration and devouring of said clerks, and a dropped wallet with pictures of fluffy white cubs in it, enabled even the police to work out that the culprits must be polar bears in disguise.

PC McGarry No. 452, of New Scotland Yard’s Arctic Creatures division, said “This is not the first time that animals have attempted to pilfer funds.

March 18, 2014

Cosmic inflation ‘clinching proof’ of creationism

by philapilus
File:PSR B1509-58 full.jpg

“See? He’s waving”

After scientists claimed to have discovered evidence of the exponential ‘Cosmic inflation’ of space following the Big Bang, Christians have explained that this is in fact final proof of the existence of God.

Reverend-Professor Randy Bumfukowizc said “The so-called gravitational effects on ‘old light’, the Cosmic Microwave Background, are being touted as evidence of some sort of bogus theory of expansion.

“But what the BICEP2 team refuses to acknowledge, is that if you look at the images retrieved from the South Pole telescope, slightly unfocus your eyes, and pray for revelation, you actually begin to see something extraordinary.

“The

March 17, 2014

We’re all going to die

by unpseudable

Well, it was nice while it lasted

It has been confirmed this week that pretty much the whole of humanity should expect horrific and violent death in the almost immediate future.

A scientific study funded by NASA has hypothesised the various ways in which civilisation will almost certainly collapse in the coming decades.  Climate change, societal instability and war – not to mention unparalleled human fuckwittery – are pinpointed as major problems likely to destroy us all.

In the report, applied mathematician Safa Motesharri concludes that, “throughout history, civilisation appears to be on a sustainable path for quite a long time, but the Elites start consuming too much, resulting in famine among the Masses.  Things go a little haywire, and Bob’s your uncle,

March 17, 2014

News briefs: Anorexic Mercury ‘becoming dangerously thin’

by philapilus

TMB: bringing you tight little balls of news

US scientists say that the planet Mercury has shed a dangerous amount of its mass over the last four billion years, and that, if left unchecked, there is a real danger that the planet could starve itself to death.

Images from the US Space Agency’s satellite, Messenger, show that Mercury’s radius has shrunk by a disturbing 7km, prompting calls for medical

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