Archive for ‘Science and Nature’

August 22, 2014

Richard Dawkins’ Diary

by philapilus

My, what a handsome fellow I am!

5:15 Woke up. Pointless really, nothing to do for a few hours. Back to bed.

9:00. Woken by doorbell; postman with sack of hatemail. I measure his forehead and congratulate him on finding a job that surpasses his genetically predetermined limitations. Rude little oik calls me “A huge dickhead”.

9:30 Phone starts ringing. Twenty invites to interview within fifteen minutes! All interested in pitting me against parents of mongoloids to debate Down Syndrome. Paid off nicely!

10:00 More writing for my book ‘Why the

August 1, 2014

Dawkins to be date-raped and stranger-raped in name of science

by philapilus

“Um, did I just say something monumentally stupid?”

Scientist Richard Dawkins has agreed to be raped, once by a friend and once by a complete stranger, in order to test scientifically his pronouncement that the former is preferable.

Speaking to the Today programme, Dawkins said “Look, the point I was making is a very simple one: saying X is worse than Y is not an endorsement of X – that’s just plain logic.

“But, as I have made these particular predictions, I feel I have to test my hypotheses, in the spirit of scientific enquiry. I am a man of

July 4, 2014

Chimp communication mostly about football, celebrities and shopping

by philapilus

Thinks Rooney should go, and that Suarez’s biteyness is ‘no big deal’

Scientists say they have managed to translate chimp communication, after cracking the gestural codes the apes use, but with hugely disappointing results.

Research published in Current Biology reveals that most chimp conversation is limited to belligerent arguments about sports, or extensive discussion over what sort of leaves and twigs make the most slimming summer attire.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Simian Speaking, said “I am so depressed. This was my life’s work. Ever since I was a little boy, and saw Doctor Dolittle – the Rex Harrison classic, not that bloody awful Eddie Murphy one – I have wanted to

June 9, 2014

Faces evolved to encourage punching, says study

by philapilus

Didn’t send passive aggressive emails about the office windows being left open, and you don’t particularly want to punch him; coincidence?

New research, founded on careful analysis of the fossil record, claims that as humans became wilier, nastier, and more vindictive, so their faces evolved to be ever more inviting to fists.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Centre for Anthropolgy and Punching, said “Early hominids were hulking simpletons. They’d take your arm off if you had food they wanted, but it wasn’t really malicious.

“They had big faces that you wouldn’t want to hit because you would break every bone in your hand.”

But, Professor McEyebrau claims, as people evolved into mentally agile creatures, capable of spite, meanness, and the invention of call-centres, their face-structure

June 5, 2014

Teaching children about Dawkins could put them off science, claims Santa

by philapilus

Gets really narked if you don’t call him ‘Lord’

Jovial multiple trespasser Santa Claus made an unscheduled appearance at the annual ‘Not smugly convinced of your own superiority’ festival in Cheltenham this week, to warn against the dangers of exposing young minds to Richard Dawkins.

Santa flew in to the festival using his customary means of transport, a Cessna 182 light aircraft, and delivered a pleasant oration on how important it was “not to fill the impressionable minds of children with a bunch of unwavering dogma spouted by elderly white men in positions of influence and power.

“Same goes for religion, of course.” said Mr Claus, finishing another of the sherries he had purloined from festival attendees.

“Basically, whenever you see a

June 5, 2014

Death of Alexander Shulgin proves drugs are bad, say authorities

by philapilus

Unlike, say, a plastic bottle containing 2 litres of vodka mixed with meths, these *might* make you seriously ill.

The Department of Health and the Home Office issued a joint statement this morning, in which they pointed out “an undeniable link” between Dr Alexander Shulgin’s work in psychoactive drugs, and his death on June 2nd.

The government’s spokesperson on drug policy, Percy Spoke, said “This is clinching proof of what we have been saying all along; drugs kill people.

“Far from being a form of sensory experimentation no more inherently dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol, ecstasy-use is the sort of body-poisoning that catches you unawares, and BAM! You’re cut down in your prime, at the premature age of 88.”

Dr Shulgin, a respected

May 29, 2014

Roy Hodgson sends Stephen Hawking proposal for complete theory of the universe

by philapilus

“For-God’s-Sake-Is-The-Referee-Blind-Or-Something?”

Following Professor Stephen Hawking’s comprehensive predictions of exactly how and why England will lose the 2014 World Cup, Roy Hodgson has reciprocated by offering Hawking a Grand Theory of Everything.

Hodgson’s theory has brought together the disparate strands of modern physics, and, if correct, will revolutionise human understanding.

The England manager hypothesises that “The multiverse can best be understood as something like a tube of Smarties, with the logo accidentally printed on the inside, which has been emptied by a playful kitten, and then stretched out with a medieval torture rack, before being scrunched up by an angry Northern housewife, and then shaped into a frog by an origami expert from Merthyr Tydfil.”

Professor Hawking said “I have

May 21, 2014

Cats ‘high all the time’

by philapilus

Not high?

A study in New Zealand has revealed that the erratic behaviour of cats can be attributed to their near-continual use of drugs.

After cat, Samantha Furcup, was caught by her owner bringing home cannabis, the NZ police force launched a public awareness campaign, based on the work of a Professor Hamish McEyebrau.

McEyebrau claims that cats’ characteristic lethargy, blinkered selfishness, extreme dependence on and exploitation of family members, and bouts of batshit mad psychotic aggression, are all down to the constant use of a whole cocktail of drugs, by every moggy in

May 19, 2014

Antarctic diet working, say climate change sceptics

by philapilus

“Someone left the tap running, that’s all”

The surprisingly large number of people who still think climate change isn’t happening said today that the Antarctic was looking especially trim this summer, and “clearly benefitting from its 5:2 diet.”

Wendy Nailinthehead, who realised climate change and global warming “was a bunch of arse” when her drafty flat failed to turn into a toasty sauna, said “People say the Antarctic has lost double the amount of ice they were expecting.

“But if you ask me, its about time. It was starting to get very podgy around the thighs and belly.

“Now it has a whole ‘New Look’, and its going to be bikinis and sarongs all the way.”

Climate change sceptic, Dr Tim Twanks said

May 19, 2014

Scientific study links tiredness to racism

by philapilus

DON’T wake him up; it’s basically this or genocide.

Research published today in the British Medical Journal links lack of sleep to racist outbursts, conspiracy theorising, and pathological nostalgia for the 1950s.

The study, published today, coincides neatly with Nigel Farage’s defence of apparent racism in a recent interview, on the grounds that he was very, very tired.

The report’s author, Dr Mike Ock, said “Actually, Mr Farage is a very important case in point here. It’s not that he is a frothing at the mouth moron, he just needs some sleep.”

Farage was destroyed by

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 271 other followers