Archive for ‘Science and Nature’

October 10, 2014

N Korea says leader has invented invisibility cloak

by philapilus

Official state media released this picture of “the Supreme Leader hard at work”, on what is thought to be the country’s only computer

After a period of several weeks during which Kim Jong-un has been noticeably absent, Pyongyang has ended speculation as to his whereabouts by revealing the exciting news that the Supreme Leader has succeeded in achieving invisibility.

The capacity to completely disappear, long a feature of myth, fantasy and legend, became a scientific project in

September 10, 2014

“Great day for prejudice” as Jack the Ripper identified as Jewish foreigner

by philapilus
"No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face"

“No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face”

Across the UK, bigots, xenophobes and racists (so pretty much everyone) were delighted this week, after the Daily Mail announced new evidence which “proves definitively that Jack the Ripper was a Polish Jew”.

Delighted Ripperologists said it was “finally time to break out the flaming torches and go get them stinking Hebes.”

Tim Twanks, a current Whitechapel resident, said “After more than a century of the liberal curtailing of prejudice, and improved education, it turns out the blindly bigoted, squawking, anti-Semitic British public were right all along

“So now we

September 8, 2014

Hawking warns “angry God particle could destroy the universe”

by philapilus

“Fucking bring back Bagpuss. NOW!”

Renowned physicist and DJ Stephen Hawking has said that despite previous declarations by many in the scientific community “God does in fact exist.”

He added however that the Almighty “is a tiny, very angry particle, capable of destroying all of space and time on a vengeful whim.”

In his

September 2, 2014

Greenhouse gases soar as vegetarian smugness pumps into environment

by philapilus

“Face it; I am just better than you in every way”

Scientists said greenhouse gas emissions increased alarmingly yesterday, after a report warned that rising meat consumption had negative environmental effects – leading vegetarians to give off unprecedented amounts of smug.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of The World’s Going to Shit, said “As meat consumption increases we see a corresponding rise in deforestation, cow-flatulence and thus rising greenhouse gases.

“But all of that pales into insignificance compared to the sheer enormity of self-righteous twattery that vegetarians across the UK emitted yesterday. It is

August 22, 2014

Richard Dawkins’ Diary

by philapilus

My, what a handsome fellow I am!

5:15 Woke up. Pointless really, nothing to do for a few hours. Back to bed.

9:00. Woken by doorbell; postman with sack of hatemail. I measure his forehead and congratulate him on finding a job that surpasses his genetically predetermined limitations. Rude little oik calls me “A huge dickhead”.

9:30 Phone starts ringing. Twenty invites to interview within fifteen minutes! All interested in pitting me against parents of mongoloids to debate Down Syndrome. Paid off nicely!

10:00 More writing for my book ‘Why the

August 1, 2014

Dawkins to be date-raped and stranger-raped in name of science

by philapilus

“Um, did I just say something monumentally stupid?”

Scientist Richard Dawkins has agreed to be raped, once by a friend and once by a complete stranger, in order to test scientifically his pronouncement that the former is preferable.

Speaking to the Today programme, Dawkins said “Look, the point I was making is a very simple one: saying X is worse than Y is not an endorsement of X – that’s just plain logic.

“But, as I have made these particular predictions, I feel I have to test my hypotheses, in the spirit of scientific enquiry. I am a man of

July 4, 2014

Chimp communication mostly about football, celebrities and shopping

by philapilus

Thinks Rooney should go, and that Suarez’s biteyness is ‘no big deal’

Scientists say they have managed to translate chimp communication, after cracking the gestural codes the apes use, but with hugely disappointing results.

Research published in Current Biology reveals that most chimp conversation is limited to belligerent arguments about sports, or extensive discussion over what sort of leaves and twigs make the most slimming summer attire.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Simian Speaking, said “I am so depressed. This was my life’s work. Ever since I was a little boy, and saw Doctor Dolittle – the Rex Harrison classic, not that bloody awful Eddie Murphy one – I have wanted to

June 9, 2014

Faces evolved to encourage punching, says study

by philapilus

Didn’t send passive aggressive emails about the office windows being left open, and you don’t particularly want to punch him; coincidence?

New research, founded on careful analysis of the fossil record, claims that as humans became wilier, nastier, and more vindictive, so their faces evolved to be ever more inviting to fists.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Centre for Anthropolgy and Punching, said “Early hominids were hulking simpletons. They’d take your arm off if you had food they wanted, but it wasn’t really malicious.

“They had big faces that you wouldn’t want to hit because you would break every bone in your hand.”

But, Professor McEyebrau claims, as people evolved into mentally agile creatures, capable of spite, meanness, and the invention of call-centres, their face-structure

June 5, 2014

Teaching children about Dawkins could put them off science, claims Santa

by philapilus

Gets really narked if you don’t call him ‘Lord’

Jovial multiple trespasser Santa Claus made an unscheduled appearance at the annual ‘Not smugly convinced of your own superiority’ festival in Cheltenham this week, to warn against the dangers of exposing young minds to Richard Dawkins.

Santa flew in to the festival using his customary means of transport, a Cessna 182 light aircraft, and delivered a pleasant oration on how important it was “not to fill the impressionable minds of children with a bunch of unwavering dogma spouted by elderly white men in positions of influence and power.

“Same goes for religion, of course.” said Mr Claus, finishing another of the sherries he had purloined from festival attendees.

“Basically, whenever you see a

June 5, 2014

Death of Alexander Shulgin proves drugs are bad, say authorities

by philapilus

Unlike, say, a plastic bottle containing 2 litres of vodka mixed with meths, these *might* make you seriously ill.

The Department of Health and the Home Office issued a joint statement this morning, in which they pointed out “an undeniable link” between Dr Alexander Shulgin’s work in psychoactive drugs, and his death on June 2nd.

The government’s spokesperson on drug policy, Percy Spoke, said “This is clinching proof of what we have been saying all along; drugs kill people.

“Far from being a form of sensory experimentation no more inherently dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol, ecstasy-use is the sort of body-poisoning that catches you unawares, and BAM! You’re cut down in your prime, at the premature age of 88.”

Dr Shulgin, a respected

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