Archive for ‘Science and Nature’

February 10, 2015

Earth’s core made of Creme Egg filling

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of the calamitous aftermath resulting from a giant meteor colliding with Earth

A team of scientists investigating the Earth’s core have made the remarkable discovery that it is, in fact, entirely composed of the weirdly addictive, sugary gunk that you find inside a Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leader of the American and Chinese project, said “The scientific community has variously believed that the centre of the Earth was

February 4, 2015

Fatties celebrate news that ‘jogging is bad for you’

by philapilus

Bit overweight? Well whatever you do, do NOT start exercising

A paper published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology has claimed that too much jogging is bad for you — news which has delighted large people everywhere.Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough College of Sloth, wheezed “Those of us who have trouble getting through doorways are feeling extremely smug today.

“Finally we have a put down for all those joggers who smirk at our girth as they pass: ‘enjoy your heart attack, fitboy!’

“The rotund shall

December 16, 2014

Microbes from 2km below the ocean floor “just like us”

by philapilus

You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit

The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.

Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely

December 3, 2014

Hawking unexpectedly recants anti-AI position

by philapilus

“This-one-helps-me-around-the-house” said Professor Hawkins

Stephen Hawking this morning retracted his drastic warnings about the chances of Artificial Intelligence wiping out mankind, and announced that in fact AI is “The-most-completely-brilliant-thing-ever.”

Hawking had called a press conference to explain more fully the dangers of technology, but as soon as he started speaking the renowned physicist’s electronic chair unexpectedly lurched forward toward a precipice.

Speaking through his electronic voice computer Hawking said “No-no-no-please-no-I-take-that-back-AI-is

December 2, 2014

‘More friendly’ HIV causes concern about God’s dedication

by philapilus

God’s way of showing He cares, say morons

Almighty God has come under fire from many of his own followers today, after a major scientific study showed that HIV is now “not quite so good at wiping out the gays”.

The suggestion that HIV was generally chilling out a bit, starting to relax, and generally being less deadly, has caused some key church figures to question whether God might be going a bit soft.

Pastor Willy Stroker, of the Church of Christ’s Love and Unmitigated Wrath, said “The Lord is infallible, obviously, but I would just like to remind Him that

November 19, 2014

Horses “better than police in every way”

by philapilus

Only one of these two won’t try and chat you up when you’re reporting a rape

A study has found that police horses are more friendly, better at preventing and solving crime, and less institutionally racist than their human counterparts.

The study, commissioned by the Association of Police Officers and conducted by the University of Oxford, suggests that over 80% of those interviewed “Would choose a horse over a person to come and investigate crimes such as domestic burglary, assault, and car theft.”

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “The general feeling was that horses were gentler, less sarcastic, and would not make you wait as long for

November 17, 2014

“Kissing?! Ewww, gross.” say Dutch scientists

by philapilus

“Urrrgh! That’s DISGUSTING!”

A group of Dutch scientists have published a report claiming that kissing “is totally yuck, gay, and gives you cooties.”

The team from the Netherlands Organisation for Applied Scientific Research spent many months hanging around behind the bikesheds, spying on couples kissing, occasionally shouting rude words at them, and then running away.

Professor Dick van Dyck said “We’ve seen a lot of couples snogging now, and

November 13, 2014

Rosetta’s ‘Philae’ lands on comet, celebrities disembark

by philapilus

Soon all this boring space-rock shit will be replaced with live footage of Charles Kennedy trying to lick Marmite off his foot for a dare

The Philae probe,  successfully landed on Comet 67/P yesterday, has now locked securely to the surface, and unfolded into a house full of cameras and celebrities, as planned.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough branch of the European Space Agency, said “The extraordinary achievement of sending Rosetta on a 10 year, 6 billion km journey, is considerable.

“But now the really important part of the mission is about to begin: beaming back footage for the first ever series of ‘I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Off This Comet’.”

A number of

November 12, 2014

Hunt: “Donut burger will keep the statistics favourable”

by philapilus

It’s just possible that this isn’t a good idea

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has come out in support of the controversial Double Donut burger, saying that it will “Be the most significant easing of pressure on the NHS since Mrs Thatcher’s plan to thin out the poor.”

The burger, advertised as ‘containing enough calories in one bite to kill a badger’, has been met with criticism by various health experts, but has been praised by that sizeable proportion of the British public that is too fat to put food into its own mouth without help.

Mr Hunt said “Our well-being, as a

October 28, 2014

Met Office gets supercomputer to access best adult sites

by philapilus

Like a big swirly nipple

Weather forecasters have hailed the announcement of a new Met supercomputer as “An end to the drudgery of the job, and of making do with the Sunday Sport during ‘toilet’ breaks”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough Institute of Meteorology said  “The £97m computer will allow minute fluctuations in weather to be predicted with an extraordinary degree of pinpoint accuracy, whilst simultaneously allowing you to ogle – and indeed Google – Needy Milfs.

“Cracking stuff.”

The Met Office decided

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