Archive for ‘Science and Nature’

July 31, 2015

Walter Palmer “unrepentant” after killing trophy patients

by philapilus


Dentist Walter Palmer has admitted he has “no intention of ceasing to blow the living fuck out of big game animals” after reports that he hunted down and shot several of his patients.

The Minnesota tooth-wrangler shot Zimbabwe’s most famous lion, Cecil, on a hunting trip after the creature was lured out of its reservation.

But, bloodlust unsated, Palmer returned to the States, put on his pith helmet, and went on another big game spree, killing three of his patients, an ice cream vendor, four squirrels, a cat, and a goldfish, using a minigun and several sticks of 

June 10, 2015

Walmart ‘Mom fight’ video wrecks both theory of evolution and creationism

by philapilus

It really is the only way

The normally opposing worlds of science and religion have been brought together today in joint recognition of their failure, after it became clear that not only does humanity display no traits of being highly evolved, but it is also too despicable to have been divinely ordained.

The revelation came after a video of two women fighting on the floor in an Indiana Walmart went viral, proving indisputably that both the prole-ish participants, and the gleefully voyeuristic internet audience, are all just absolutely vile.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, ex-evolutionary scientist said “I have argued for years that

April 21, 2015

‘If we don’t kill all the whales they’ll die’, warns Japan

by philapilus

Saving the species, one whale at a time

Japan has criticised the International Whaling Committee for rejecting its latest proposed hunting programme, and has warned that without substantially increased rates of slaughter, the whales might all die out.

A Japanese official said “The laws against whaling, imposed by so-called “experts” at the International Court of Justice, represent astonishing scientific ignorance.

“Do they really think that if we let these succulent, delicious creatures live, there’s some sort of chance they won’t all die out? Ridiculous! Imagine a

March 24, 2015

Credulous simpletons tricked into trawling through faeces

by philapilus

The report warns that you may feel some discomfort when passing larger bars

An American research group has managed to convince people unencumbered with weighty IQs that they should carefully sift their own poo, looking for particles of gold.

The US Geological Survey team produced a report pointing out the minute amounts of precious metals that are present in human crap, leading morons to start defecating into sieves.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the author of the report, said “It’s hilarious. I keep getting all these letters from idiots complaining they ‘ve been

March 20, 2015

Lazy sun ‘workshy’ says IDS

by philapilus

Sleeping on the job

The sun has drawn considerable criticism from the Department for Work and Pensions, for its decision to take a bit of a breather this morning.

DWP Secretary Ian Duncan Smith said the solar body’s eclipse was “the second such break in less than twenty years” and constituted “the kind of behaviour that a Conservative government will be clamping down on after the next election.”

Mr Duncan Smith warned that too-soft workplace legislation “has already removed whips from the hands of bosses, allowed workers toilet breaks on company time, and now

March 17, 2015

UK to start again with single-celled organisms

by philapilus

When evolution reaches this stage it is time to prime the machines

It has been agreed that all so-called intelligent life within the UK is to be eradicated imminently, leaving the land barren and void in the hope that something better than us might eventually evolve.

Scientific and military authorities were given the go-ahead, after the news that judges are being fired in their droves for looking at porn on work computers, that police and MPs covered up endemic paedophilia within their ranks, and that Oliver Letwin still hasn’t yet fucked off.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough College of the Apocalypse said “For month after month Britain has just been subjected to an unending diarrhoeic stream of

February 10, 2015

Earth’s core made of Creme Egg filling

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of the calamitous aftermath resulting from a giant meteor colliding with Earth

A team of scientists investigating the Earth’s core have made the remarkable discovery that it is, in fact, entirely composed of the weirdly addictive, sugary gunk that you find inside a Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leader of the American and Chinese project, said “The scientific community has variously believed that the centre of the Earth was

February 4, 2015

Fatties celebrate news that ‘jogging is bad for you’

by philapilus

Bit overweight? Well whatever you do, do NOT start exercising

A paper published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology has claimed that too much jogging is bad for you — news which has delighted large people everywhere.Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough College of Sloth, wheezed “Those of us who have trouble getting through doorways are feeling extremely smug today.

“Finally we have a put down for all those joggers who smirk at our girth as they pass: ‘enjoy your heart attack, fitboy!’

“The rotund shall

December 16, 2014

Microbes from 2km below the ocean floor “just like us”

by philapilus

You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit

The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.

Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely

December 3, 2014

Hawking unexpectedly recants anti-AI position

by philapilus

“This-one-helps-me-around-the-house” said Professor Hawkins

Stephen Hawking this morning retracted his drastic warnings about the chances of Artificial Intelligence wiping out mankind, and announced that in fact AI is “The-most-completely-brilliant-thing-ever.”

Hawking had called a press conference to explain more fully the dangers of technology, but as soon as he started speaking the renowned physicist’s electronic chair unexpectedly lurched forward toward a precipice.

Speaking through his electronic voice computer Hawking said “No-no-no-please-no-I-take-that-back-AI-is


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