Archive for ‘Satire’

June 30, 2015

UK sends bit of fence to France

by philapilus

“Fortunately fences are impossible to break, or indeed to scale” said Brokenshire

The UK government has announced it will send the National Barrier Asset to Calais, to help desperate authorities there cope with the scale of migrants trying to enter Britain illegally.

The National Barrier Asset was developed in the aftermath of terrorist attacks and has been described with glowing reverence by the Ministry of Defence as ‘a really quite long bit of fence’.

Immigration minister, James Brokenshire, said “A shorter bit of the long bit of fence will be sent to France and deployed at their end of the Eurotunnel, to show just

June 30, 2015

“Glastonbury gone all corporate for booking Kanye” says man who paid £230 for ticket

by philapilus

Not Crosby, Stills or Nash

Festival goer Tim Twanks has accused Glastonbury of “failing to live up to its hippy credentials”, adding that when he paid £230 for a ticket he hadn’t for one minute expected that the festival was a remotely commercial enterprise.

Twanks returned to work this morning and told colleagues that an appearance by Kanye West had ruined his weekend and permanently undermined Gastonbury’s credibility as far as he was concerned.

“Free love, temporary tattoos, and £15.50 bottles of water is what I

June 24, 2015

Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of

June 24, 2015

Queen ‘to move into a Travelodge’

by philapilus

It’s thought she might change her mind when she actually sees one

The Royal Household has today said it is looking into the option of putting the Queen up at a Travelodge whilst extensive repairs to Buckingham Palace take place.

According to contractors the maintenance work, expected to cost £150m, will require the palace to be vacated because “Prince Philip can’t be trusted not to open fire on Polish builders.”

The Queen’s suggestion that she be put up at the Ritz however was vetoed, after the

June 23, 2015

Mark Cavendish shock revelation: ‘sprint cycling is not like going bowling’

by philapilus

“Not much like changing into your pyjamas either” explains Cavendish

Sprint cyclist Mark Cavendish has blown the lid off the secretive world of the sport, after dropping the bombshell that “Cycling’s not similar to chess, ten-pin bowling, sumo wrestling or juggling in any way whatsoever – it’s actually quite unique.”

The world champion offered these important insights in an interview with the BBC – a major journalistic coup for the organisation, as until now everyone had imagined cycling was a bit like putting up shelves, or maybe cooking a risotto.

BBC spokesperson Percy Spoke said “It’s extraordinary. Cavendish has revealed the arcane secrets of the sport, and explained that when you’re on the saddle, you sort of push the pedals, they

June 19, 2015

Government ends austerity due to protest march

by philapilus
george-osborne-trade-mission | by Chingster23

“Just to show how sorry I am, there’ll be one of these stuffed full of cash for everyone”

George Osborne will today officially announce the end of the Conservative austerity programme, after the government learned of an impending demonstration organised by The Peoples Assembly Against Austerity.

Mr Osborne said “We knew that austerity wasn’t popular, but I don’t think any of us realised how unpopular it truly was. I mean, these people are going to actually do a protest march tomorrow. They’re not going to sit around reading the papers and having a late brunch, they’re going to march with their actual feet; that’s how strongly they feel about it.

“I’m just really sorry that

June 18, 2015

Labour candidates promise paperclips and Fanta

by philapilus

The 1926 General Strike was Corbyn’s first venture into the world of politics

The candidates for the Labour leadership engaged in a TV debate in Nuneaton yesterday, unleashing a fierce battle of ideological one-upmanship.

Although pundits had predicted little in the way of substance or policy, the four hopefuls exceeded expectations and laid out their candidacies with firm strategy.

Liz Kendall offered “A Britain that has many, many more paperclips available, not just in our offices but in our schools, our townhalls, and even

June 18, 2015

Millions unable to enjoy porn properly because of broadband speed

by philapilus

‘Half the time there’s no point even plugging the fucking thing in’

Consumer watchdog Which? has discovered that the vast majority of UK homes are not getting the broadband speed they are paying for, seriously limiting their enjoyment of HD adult material, online gambling, and pictures of goats (the latter not necessarily separately from the adult material).

With evidence suggesting that BT and TalkTalk failed to provide the advertised top speed to even 10% of their customers, Which? has brought the matter to Ofcom, who are now investigating the UK’s lack of access to “the really nasty stuff”.

Which? spokesman Percy Spoke said “Our tests found

June 17, 2015

RBS to refuse customers access to their money

by philapilus

No one noticed before that this translates as ‘The bank that despises you all”

RBS said this morning that the 600,000 payments to customers that went ‘missing’ last night were not the result of a mistake. A statement by the publicly owned bank also warned that “customers can expect a lot more of this sort of thing once nice Mr Osborne lets us go private again.”

Jerry Grossekatzen, spokesman for the RBS group said “Normally I’d say some bollocks about the computer system, probably. Or elves with little nets coming and taking your money in the night. But actually we can’t be bothered to make this shit up anymore; we’ll soon be free of you grubby little oiks.

“Our CEO Ross McEwan has filled a swimming pool with your cash, and once Osborne flogs RBS, he and Fred Goodwin are going to swim in it all day. You remember

June 15, 2015

People still inexplicably listening to David Starkey

by philapilus

“Bweaaarrkkk!!! Kweaauurrkkkk CLUK CLUK! BUK-BUK QWEAAARRKK!”

There has been public shock today, after it transpired that some terminally unwise people actually listened while David Starkey spouted some more of his bullshit.

The cantankerous TV ‘history buff’ opened his mouth and allowed a huge river of shit to pour out – ostensibly to liken the SNP to the Nazis, although he was probably just trying to see how much shit he could spew before the room was full and everyone had to leave.

But new SNP MP Jock McStrap said “Wuir nae gon’ tae stan’ fer it! Wuir nae a violent nassty peeple! Wuir peesful as yon next man! Starkey bin takin’ shite an’ weez gon’ tae heidbutt ‘im an gie ‘im a Glasgie smile an’ leev him burrnin’ in

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