Archive for ‘Satire’

April 15, 2014

Cyberthieves commit suicide after reading through Mumsnet data

by philapilus

Police have confirmed that Heartbleed hackers have been killing themselves in droves, after actually reading some of the data they stole from the Mumsnet website’s sorority.

About to unleash hell on another member who thinks disposable nappies are a bad idea

A suicide note left by super-hacker, Hackassassin, said “I am a 32-stone, unemployed, X-Box addict. Dark cycnicism, and engaging in online squabbles about Game of Thrones and Titanfall have been my stock in trade, and subsequently I have suffered from nihilistic, self-loathing depression all my life.

“But it wasn’t until I read through the Mumsnet messages that I truly knew existential despair. Goodbye, cruel

April 15, 2014

Clarkson and Titchmarsh to fight to the death

by philapilus

In what promises to be the least interesting cagefight of all time, the smugly bland/blandly smug multi-platform merchandising whore and occasional gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, is to take on bloated masturbator and vroom-vroom fanatic Jeremy Clarkson.

Burying his last victim in front of cheering fans

Clarkson, who holds obnoxious opinions for money, called out the gardening fraternity for not attempting to sodomise cars up the exhaust pipe, saying “They think a hobby is something to spend time and effort on, whilst hugging plants like a big bunch of hippies.

“The only good use of your time is sitting back, switching on the TV, and watching me drive fast cars, with your hand stuck down the front of

April 14, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Mr Cameron Goes on Holiday

by philapilus

Today’s Cartoon of the Day is another delightful gem from the Grauniad’s very own Stefan Belle! Entitled ‘Mr Cameron Goes On Holiday’, Stefan has really got to the heart of what a selfish b*stard the PM is for going on vacation again!! Ooooh those Tories are evil!

April 14, 2014

Government promises golf-playing doctors will check their email

by philapilus

The government has today announced that a hundred-squillionty-million people will have 25 hour a day access to GPs, through an initiative to pay doctors overtime for checking their Blackberries.

‘Just listen to it yourself, OK? I’m busy’

David Cameron announced that “Our new GP Access Fund, which is much less gay than any of Labour’s plans, will mean that after your local surgery has shut, you’ll be able to email your doctor.

“Then, whilst he’s teeing off for the 9th hole, he’ll helpfully respond with an email carefully addressing your symptoms point by point, or tell you to just take an aspirin and

April 10, 2014

Prince George to feature in next ‘Hobbit’ film

by philapilus

Prince George is using his time in New Zealand to pursue his passion for acting it was revealed today, after the son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge was spotted on a Peter Jackson film set.

An artist’s impression of what it might look like if the young Prince got to fight Smaug

Royal spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, said “The Prince is just doing a cameo really, I don’t think he will be fighting the dragon or anything. Although, come to think of it, that would make for some smashingly pertinent iconography .”

Jackson, who is currently filming inserts for the third film in his decology based on J R R Tolkien’s short children’s book, ‘the Hobbit’, said “Actually the Prince was brilliant. He was the right size and everything.

“I mean, he

April 10, 2014

Cameron’s Europe manifesto “Unlikely to mention Maria Miller”

by philapilus

David Cameron will this afternoon be launching the Conservative manifesto for the European elections, in which he will not be making constant references to the recently departed culture secretary.

“Let me make this clear: this is NOT about not talking about Maria Miller”

In the speech the Prime Minister will say “Europe” quite a lot, and will also frequently use the word “Britain”.

Whilst saying these things he will simultaneously not be saying “Maria Miller”, “Culture Secretary” or “Expenses”.

This has surprised many

April 9, 2014

Miller in shock resignation

by philapilus

David Cameron’s Cabinet was in turmoil this morning, after the completely unexpected resignation of Culture Secretary, Maria Miller.

The stairs that Maria wasn’t pushed down yesterday

Miller, whose tenure has been marked by an admirably laissez-faire approach of careful and principled inaction, had been thought of as one of the government’s key fixtures.

Her departure is as unexplained as it is sudden, and her own party colleagues were as shocked as members of the opposition.

Lord Tebbit, one of the Conservatives most thoughtful and ever-temperate

April 7, 2014

Palace visitors queuing to be threatened at gunpoint

by philapilus

Hordes of tourists are thronging the Mall this afternoon, and queuing all the way down the Strand, for the opportunity to have a rifle waved in their faces by a Queen’s Guardsman.

On their way to beat the crap out of some annoying French schoolkids

The exciting new visitor attraction was unveiled on Friday, when a lucky member of the public had a gun with fixed bayonet shoved within 12 inches of his noseholes.

Traffic in Trafalgar Square was brought to a standstill by mid-morning today, and Buckingham Palace announced

April 7, 2014

Glasgow tower block demolitions opposed by thrifty Scots

by philapilus

“Tha athleets is gon’ haf tae compeet in tha nuddy. We cannae proveed outfits; wurr nae maed o’ money, ye ken?”

A campaign to save the Red Road tower blocks, scheduled for demolition at the opening of the 2014 Commonwealth Games, has been launched by the Scottish ‘Wurr nae maed o’ money, ye ken?’ lobbying group.

Spokesman Tavish McGroin, said “Wheesht tha’ nonsense, will ye? Why blow’t yon tooers, whin they’ll fall doon in a wee millenium or twa anyways fae free?!

“Noo; how muckle ye gon’ gie’s furr spaeken tae ye? Oonly Ahm nae maed o’ money. C’mon, ye cheep basturd, will ye

April 7, 2014

“She has my complete support” PM backs Maria Miller’s application to Dignitas

by philapilus

David Cameron today leaped to the defence of his embattled Culture Secretary, calling her critics “circling vultures”, and demanding that “we all just forget about the expenses thing now, stop searching for scapegoats, and let her get on with the important work of falling on her own sword.”

Might as well use up the stationery whilst you still can

Mr Cameron said “I have absolutely no intention to sack Maria, she is an excellent minister and MP, and I reject all calls for her to resign. Let me make myself clear; I will not bow to pressure, and she will remain in my cabinet right up until her plane leaves for Zurich.”

Maria Miller, who got into trouble claiming

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