Archive for ‘Satire’

December 17, 2014

1st female bishop appointed, then shown where the kettle is

by philapilus

Contemplating the shared locker-room arrangements

Vicar Reverend Libby Lane, the Church of England’s first female bishop, has today been welcomed to the job by the Archbishop of Canterbury, and handed a very pretty pinny.

Archbishop Justin Welby said “We are absolutely delighted that Libby has joined the big boys gang. Now everyone can see how modern the church actually is.

“Also we’ve finally got someone to make the tea, do the hoovering, and type the letters. And of course poor old Bath & Wells won’t have to

December 16, 2014

Microbes from 2km below the ocean floor “just like us”

by philapilus

You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit

The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.

Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely

December 15, 2014

Triumph for Major in X Factor Final

by philapilus

She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time…

Sir John Major said this morning he was”walking on air” after winning this year’s X factor.

The former Conservative Prime Minister said he had entered the competition initially “for a laugh” and had no expectations of getting anywhere with it.

But Major wowed audiences in the early stages with extraordinary renditions of classics like ‘Two Little Boys’ and ‘Tie me Kangaroo Down’ – both by disgraced

December 5, 2014

Farage: “Burkhas for breastfeeding mums”

by philapilus

Nigel Farage has once again courted controversy, after suggesting that breastfeeding mums should sit in a corner

“with a veil completely covering their baby, their upper body, and preferably their own face, so that men don’t

feel uncomfortable.”

Speaking on radio the UKIP leader said “Breasts are unnatural. No one should have to look at them. They aren’t like boobs, you see. Boobs are

November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most inspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared inspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of shoppers in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately

November 28, 2014

Ukip: ‘Immigration not as big a deal as we thought’

by philapilus

Not a minaret

Ukip admitted today that they had vastly overestimated the extent of the “infiltration of other cultures”, after it transpired that 82% of all things they had thought were mosques weren’t.

A spokesman said “Turns out Westminster Cathedral isn’t a mosque! Nor is Blenheim Palace, the London Eye, or Stonehenge.

“Even Charlie Brooker is not a mosque. We’ve

November 27, 2014

‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser immediately gets celestial ASBO

by philapilus

After he was finally subdued, Frankie was strip-searched and had a number of weapons confiscated

Notorious gangster ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser received his first celestial ASBO within minutes of his death yesterday.

Francis Davidson Fraser arrived at the Pearly Gates and was, according to eyewitnesses, in a foul temper, threatening to “Do over the fackin’ doctors what got me in the coma and got me old family to switch off the blahdy machine.”

On being welcomed by St Peter, ‘Mad’ Frankie immediately took offence to

November 26, 2014

Labour’s Grayson Perry bags “for collecting tears of disappointment”

by philapilus

Ukip’s has been designed to reflect their core values and policy… but is it art?

The limited edition bags Grayson Perry has designed for the Labour party have a special waterproof lining, for catching the tears of their supporters after the election defeat next year.

Perry, whose design has been lauded as ‘Fucking terrible’ by almost everyone, said “Is it a lion? Is it a pig? You don’t know. And I don’t know. I can’t draw either of them, so it’s somewhere in between.

“But that’s what makes it art.”

Labour have for almost two weeks been giving

November 24, 2014

“Them Labour lot are a bunch of posh wankers, guv’nor” say Tories

by philapilus

“Personally I have a whole fleet of them” said George Osborne “So you can see I’m bona fide proletariat”

David Cameron said today that “Labour are a right load of lah-de-dah rich kids who ain’t never done a hard day’s work in their life.”

The Prime Minister was just one of the numerous working class people, who have been outraged by the prejudice imputed to Emily Thornberry, after a stupendously idiotic Twitter post last week.

Leaning out of the window of his white Ford Transit, Cameron said “Serious guv'; them posh twats ain’t gotta clue about the ordinary common man, and this is why so many of my fellow white van men are gettin

November 18, 2014

Miliband nearly defeats small child in debate

by philapilus

In what has become a very unhealthy pattern, Ed once again tried to overcome his misery by comfort-eating until he threw up

After what Ed Miliband’s supporters called his “completely unfair ambush” at the hands of political heavyweight, Myleene Klass, the leader of the opposition rallied this morning, and performed incredibly well in an argument with a 10 year old.

Miliband was seen leaving the ITV studios in tears yesterday, where Klass had destroyed him on The Agenda programme with questions like “Are you sure you’ve thought this Mansion Tax through?” and “Don’t you have any other plans?”

But this morning Miliband was not so easily cowed by pupil Samantha Furcup, age 10, who said to

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