Archive for ‘Satire’

October 22, 2014

“And your plan is…?” Russia asks Sweden

by philapilus

‘Ah, um, ohh…yeah that’s…that’s quite…Jesus it’s a biggy…Um, you know what? Actually, you can sail anywhere you like! Who cares about stuffy old nonsense like territorial waters? Not us!’ said Sweden

As the Swedish armed forces continue to search for what they claim is a Russian submarine in the waters near Stockholm, Russia has asked Sweden exactly what it is planning to do about it anyway.

Russian Foreign Minister, Ivan Everhaditov, said “Let’s say, hypothetically, that one of our subs is in your territorial waters.

“In fact, let’s say, hypothetically, it surfaces, and the crew comes out on deck, pull down their pants and

October 21, 2014

93% of all internet trolling done by 2 people

by philapilus

Since they were arrested the internet has atrophied and entered a state of hibernation

Research by New Scotland Yard’s Internet Section has discovered that almost all online trolling and celebrity hacking is the work of just two people.

The research was carried out after Justice Secretary Chris Grayling announced new legislation to tackle those who use the internet as a means to offend, abuse others anonymously, or possibly just express opinions.

PC McGarry No 452 said “We have

October 21, 2014

Cameron: “I have something important to say about Europe, possibly”

by philapilus

“Come on, come on. Why is this taking me so long? How can it be this hard to have an idea? I know people who have had more than one in a single YEAR…”

The Prime Minister has attempted to breach the divide growing in his own party, by announcing that he might make an announcement about the UK and Europe before Christmas. Probably.

Mr Cameron assured the country and fellow Conservatives that he would “be making a very strong statement, maybe outlining some sort of brilliant strategy, probably in a speech, article, open letter, or possibly in a text to my wife Samantha.

“But the

October 20, 2014

Government to crack down on crazy hormonal mums

by philapilus

‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’

The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.

The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.

The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to

October 17, 2014

Shops now just telling customers to f*ck off

by philapilus

‘Good f*cking riddance…’

The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind

October 13, 2014

New Bob the Builder has tattoos and big arsecrack

by philapilus

“Can we fix it? Welllllll I dunno; not sure if I can get the parts, and I’m fully booked up till February now”

Mattel has announced a redesign of its Hit Entertainment character, Bob the Builder, causing an outcry amongst the franchise’s wide fanbase.

The new incarnation sees Bob’s physique – specifically his oversized, melon-like head and scrunched up little body – redesigned to more realistic proportions, and then covered in poor-quality tattoos.

Mattel say Bob will also sport “a deep-arse cleavage, and will

October 10, 2014

Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has

October 10, 2014

N Korea says leader has invented invisibility cloak

by philapilus

Official state media released this picture of “the Supreme Leader hard at work”, on what is thought to be the country’s only computer

After a period of several weeks during which Kim Jong-un has been noticeably absent, Pyongyang has ended speculation as to his whereabouts by revealing the exciting news that the Supreme Leader has succeeded in achieving invisibility.

The capacity to completely disappear, long a feature of myth, fantasy and legend, became a scientific project in

October 10, 2014

Students urged to pee – but stop shitting – in shower

by philapilus

Upright bath, toilet, washing machine, and place to pass out, all rolled into one

A campaign at the University of East Anglia is encouraging students to pee in the shower to save water, but to draw the line at defecating down the plughole.

Student Samantha Furcup said “Our campaign began with the concept of saving water, and raising awareness of

October 9, 2014

GBBO win for ex-PM Major

by philapilus

The judges singled out Major’s ‘Maastricht Muffins’ as one of this year’s highlights

Sir John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” after his victory in yesterday’s final of the 2014 Great British Bake Off.

Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood agreed that the former Conservative prime minister had been “Ahead of the competition from the start.

“His technique and

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