Archive for ‘Satire’

October 17, 2014

Shops now just telling customers to f*ck off

by philapilus

‘Good f*cking riddance…’

The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind

October 13, 2014

New Bob the Builder has tattoos and big arsecrack

by philapilus

“Can we fix it? Welllllll I dunno; not sure if I can get the parts, and I’m fully booked up till February now”

Mattel has announced a redesign of its Hit Entertainment character, Bob the Builder, causing an outcry amongst the franchise’s wide fanbase.

The new incarnation sees Bob’s physique – specifically his oversized, melon-like head and scrunched up little body – redesigned to more realistic proportions, and then covered in poor-quality tattoos.

Mattel say Bob will also sport “a deep-arse cleavage, and will

October 10, 2014

Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has

October 10, 2014

N Korea says leader has invented invisibility cloak

by philapilus

Official state media released this picture of “the Supreme Leader hard at work”, on what is thought to be the country’s only computer

After a period of several weeks during which Kim Jong-un has been noticeably absent, Pyongyang has ended speculation as to his whereabouts by revealing the exciting news that the Supreme Leader has succeeded in achieving invisibility.

The capacity to completely disappear, long a feature of myth, fantasy and legend, became a scientific project in

October 10, 2014

Students urged to pee – but stop shitting – in shower

by philapilus

Upright bath, toilet, washing machine, and place to pass out, all rolled into one

A campaign at the University of East Anglia is encouraging students to pee in the shower to save water, but to draw the line at defecating down the plughole.

Student Samantha Furcup said “Our campaign began with the concept of saving water, and raising awareness of

October 9, 2014

GBBO win for ex-PM Major

by philapilus

The judges singled out Major’s ‘Maastricht Muffins’ as one of this year’s highlights

Sir John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” after his victory in yesterday’s final of the 2014 Great British Bake Off.

Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood agreed that the former Conservative prime minister had been “Ahead of the competition from the start.

“His technique and

October 8, 2014

Dad’s Army movie to star Brand, LaBoeuf, and other A-listers

by philapilus

The dour, miserabilist Scot, Private Frazer, will be played by Alex Salmond, who has been whining ‘We’re doomed!’ over and over for a couple of weeks now

An all-star cast has been announced for the  big-screen remake of Dad’s Army, ending months of excited speculation.

Director Oliver Parker said “The feel of the classic sitcom, which followed the comedic mishaps of elderly Home Guard recruits in WW2, will permeate the new film, and our cast reflects that.

“The lead part of

October 7, 2014

Satan blasts Katie Hopkins’ ‘lack of restraint’

by philapilus

Beelzebub is a hot piece of ass compared with Hopkins

The Devil used his weekly phone-in session on Hampshire local radio to deride Katie Hopkins this morning, after she attacked the McCanns on Twitter.

On his Eagle Radio slot, Lucifer called Hopkins a “moneygrubbing media-whore”, and went on to add “She is viler than

October 6, 2014

Lib Dems hold farewell conference

by philapilus

“I’m going to tell everyone I’ve done five years of bird, for attacking children in a playground. Which would actually have been preferable.”

The Liberal Democrats are holding the final conference of the season – and the last ever conference for their party.

MPs, delegates, and activists are gathered in Glasgow for one last work mini-break, which will feature valedictory speeches, a bittersweet farewell drinks party, and advice on jobseeking.

Going into the 2015 general election under the slogan ‘Bye Everyone; We’re Sorry’, the Lib Dems agreed a motion on

October 6, 2014

UK’s longest Stoptober/Octsober attempt

by philapilus

Millions of these litter the streets today

Britain has achieved its most successful October-abstinence ever, after Glenn Piddel from Gloucester made it through to 11AM this morning without smoking or drinking.

As usual, tens of thousands of people promised to join the concurrent campaigns to give up booze and fags for a month, and bullied friends to sponsor them.

And, also as usual, most people failed by October 3rd, which, falling on a Friday this year, saw

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 287 other followers