Archive for ‘Satire’

January 26, 2015

Cameron threatens to kneecap hoax-caller

by philapilus
File:David Cameron, London, Saturday, 7 January, 2012.jpg

Just look at the psychotic rage simmering beneath that tightlipped veneer of respectability…

David Cameron has said he is making it a personal priority to find the person who hoax-called him, and introduce him or her to a world of pain.The Prime Minister tweeted this morning “Going to f*cking find that c*nt who had the f*cking nerve to hoax-call me. Think it’s f*cking funny do ya, motherf*cka? Let’s see you laugh when I’ve run over your f*cking kneecaps with a grass-roller.”

Although Number 10 insists security wasn’t breached, and that someone managing to get the Prime Minister’s number is “No biggie”, an aide to Mr Cameron has admitted that

January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

January 23, 2015

7-party debates replaced with 93-party debates

by philapilus

Police try to hold back political party leaders as they storm the BBC studios

The breaking news that televised UK political debates may now include seven parties, has been immediately superseded by the news that in fact nineteen parties will be involved. This statement in turn has instantly been made null and void since we wrote it, by the news that twenty-six party leaders will now be debating.

The debates, scheduled to take place ahead of the general election later this year, were initially going to involve only the three main parties; Conservatives, Labour and Ukip. But after much argument between the prime minister and other leaders, the inclusion of smaller parties has now been put forward.

Political analyst Tim Twanks said “After

January 21, 2015

Obama uses State of the Union Address to remind everyone Republicans are c*nts

by philapilus

“Let me spell that for you: C-U-N-…”

President Obama has used his annual State of the Union Address to remind Americans that the collapse of his personal trajectory, from shining star to damp squib, doesn’t mean that the Republicans have in any way stopped being “A bunch of utter c*nts”.

The President said to Congress “I admit that I appear to have frittered away the goodwill of the nation, and gone from hero to zero with impressive speed. And I know that generally ‘Yes We Can’ has kind of turned into ‘Sorry, Actually It Turns Out I Can’t’.

“But I’d like everyone to remember that the alternative is a party of total assholes, whose

January 20, 2015

The Sun becomes ‘force for good’ with end of Page 3

by philapilus

Really desperate tossers could always rotate the page 90 degrees, and pretend this is a large bosom…

The Sun announced today it will be scrapping topless photos, leading everyone to agree that the paper is now basically brilliant, and on its way to becoming a commendable bastion of British journalism.

Sun reader Wendy Nailinthehead said “Before, when they showed women with their knockers out, the Sun was a filthy vessel of

January 19, 2015

Religious leaders ask Cameron to explain relevance of MPs to Britain

by philapilus

Eric arriving at a press conference on his giant black moth

Senior religious figures have written an open letter to the Prime Minister, asking “how the complete fuckwits composing the political class can possibly be seen as contributing to British identity.”

The letter follows one written to Muslim leaders by Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, (once favourably described as ‘like the bloated turd that inevitably blocks the only toilet at a house party’). In his letter, Pickles asked Muslims to explain why rabid xenophobic Britons shouldn’t be allowed to just beat the shit out of them.

Imam Abdul Iqbal said “I thought long and hard about the ways that

January 19, 2015

Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the

January 16, 2015

Pope continues magnificent ‘wave but don’t make waves’ campaign

by philapilus

Pope Francis has continued to highlight the plight of the poor and needy by visiting the Philippines and saying what a bad thing inequality is, whilst sitting in the relative isolation of a bullet-proof car.

The Pope insisted that the best way to defeat poverty is to be pictured smiling and waving at people in threadbare clothes, whilst offering non-specific platitudes about the wealthy that stop short of actually ticking them off per se.

Taking a break from punching his aide, Alberto Gasparri, the

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January 16, 2015

Meryl Streep receives 107th Oscar nomination

by philapilus

She was nominated last year for waving

Hollywood actress Meryl Streep is celebrating her 107th nomination for an Academy Award, for her portrayal of Meryl Streep in ‘Into the Woods’.

Streep, who has been favourably referred to as “The most consistently overrated actress of her – or any other – generation”, said she was delighted that once again she had been nominated for turning up on a set somewhere.

The Oscars ceremony, now in its

January 13, 2015

Birmingham ‘Not Jihadi training camp, but still very shit’

by philapilus

Of course Birmingham’s not ALL bad; it does have some lovely parks, like this one

Residents of Birmingham were reminded today that whilst it is true the city is not a Muslim-only enclave peopled by violent adherents to Sharia law, it is nevertheless still a shithole.

Many people were irate after Fox News broadcast an interview with Steven Emerson, in which the professional village idiot said Birmingham was full of rabid terrorists.

Emerson’s claims that “Birmingham is Muslim-only, and that every man, woman and

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