Archive for ‘Satire’

February 9, 2016

Cameron’s mother furious after Mirror headline error

by philapilus

Enter a caption

David Cameron’s mother has expressed her rage today after the Daily Mirror ran with the headline ‘Cameron’s mum fights tory cuts’.

“I am sick and tired of newspaper staff failing to do simple spellchecks” said the former magistrate, “Obviously I am

January 31, 2016

Lord Farmer leads campaign to save British peers

by philapilus

It wouldn’t be such a problem if the Lords and Ladies didn’t have such a restricted diet, but unfortunately the only way they can survive is if you stuff hundreds and hundreds of these into their mouths

Senior treasurer of the Conservative party, Baron Michael Farmer, has unveiled a new campaign to save  endangered British peers, after his research revealed that the breed is almost extinct.

Lord Farmer said “I want to draw the nation’s attention to an extremely urgent issue; the paucity of the habitat for lords and ladies, many of whom are going so hungry that they may migrate from London for good.

“If the public knew that the only sustenance available to these noble creatures is a measly £300 per day, I think you would see a real outcry. I mean, for one of the aristocracy £300 is nothing; barely the equivalent of half a Mars Bar to the average Jocelyn on the street. No wonder the

January 11, 2016

Corbyn ‘pretended his Twitter was hacked’ after drunken tweets

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn No More War crop.jpg

Feeling and looking rough as f*ck

Jeremy Corbyn has admitted this morning that he lied about his Twitter account being hacked, after making a series of unwise drunken tweets last night.

The leader of the opposition addressed a press conference in a pained whisper. Holding a cold flannel to his forehead and shutting his eyes tightly, he said “Look, I’m really sorry. Both for the inappropriate tweets and for lying, but please just leave me alone with

December 11, 2015

Mugabe backs Hopkins on backing Trump

by philapilus

‘England’s Rose’: according to Peter Sutcliffe, 84% of people consider Katie Hopkins to be the epitome of beauty

Robert Mugabe has this morning weighed into the argument over Donald Trump’s call for a US Muslim ban, claiming that “65% of all Britons agree with Katie Hopkins that at least 25% of all Britons agree with Donald Trump. Britain First! America First! Rights for Whites!”

Mugabe’s words were immediately backed by Kim Jong Un, whose support for Mugabe was subsequently backed by ISIS, who claimed that 3.3bn people (including themselves) had signed a petition calling for Trump to be king of the world.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Fuckwit-Analysis said “This is not the first time this has happened; a bigoted twat comes up with some spurious bullshit, which is immediately backed by an even bigger moron who invents some statistics, which are

December 10, 2015

Daily Mail launches appeal to fix teeth of Lee Rigby killer

by philapilus

The Britain First campaign is asking the public to imagine Lee Rigby as “a little Christmas elf, who would want us all to join together in the spirit of charity”

The Daily Mail newspaper has announced a charitable appeal in order to raise funds for Michael Adebolago’s dental work.

The newspaper learned that the killer of Lee Rigby had lost two front teeth whilst being restrained by prison officers, and immediately decided to help.

Mail spokesperson, Mike Ock, said “Our paper is not just about cutting-edge journalism, we’re also about compassion. Lots of compassion. When we heard

December 8, 2015

Trump calls for ban on electricity entering the US

by philapilus
File:Donald August 19 (cropped).jpg

Thoughtful: moments after the static left his hair looking like this, Trump hatches his plan for containment and annihilation

Donald Trump has called for a national ban on electricity today, after suffering a ‘static attack’ that completely ruined his carefully coiffured hair.

The Republican presidential hopeful was just entering a revolving door when he received an electric shock, caused by a perfect storm of rubber soles, nylon carpet, and a bloated bag of wind.

Trump immediately called a press conference, launching a tirade against “Un-American electricity that hides in the carpet, or the wall, or the air, and then

December 7, 2015

Youtube adverts celebrated by everyone

by philapilus
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9d/Toothpaste.jpg/320px-Toothpaste.jpg

We were going to put a big shiny picture of Youtube’s logo here, but thought you might enjoy this ad for toothpaste instead

It was confirmed today that everyone just really fucking loves it when they click on a Youtube video and are subjected to a three minute sodding advert before being able to watch the sodding thing they clicked on in the first place.

A study found that the experience topped a list of things people enjoy, beating other contenders such as receiving automated calls about PPI, that moment when

December 7, 2015

BBC: Major makes petition to axe Tyson Fury from SPOTY shortlist unnecessary

by philapilus

He can snap a man’s hand off with those powerful fingers

The BBC has said today that there is no need for anyone to get worked up about Tyson Fury’s nomination for Sports Personality of the Year as “he doesn’t stand a chance against top candidate John Major anyway”.

The response came after 55,000 people signed a petition to take Fury out of the running, due to comments that many considered sexist and homophobic.

Corporation spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Admittedly Fury’s words weren’t at all in keeping with the genteel, politically correct, and

November 30, 2015

Grant Shapps “definitely not fed into woodchipper”, says PM

by philapilus
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b1/Europe_Chippers_1.jpg/640px-Europe_Chippers_1.jpg

What, this old thing? No we just keep that for…um…in case a large tree blocks the road.

Number 10 have robustly denied allegations that senior tories were seen pushing the body of former government minister Grant Shapps through a woodchipper.

A statement this morning said that “No one would dream of pulping his bloodied remains onto a large tarpaulin which could then be emptied over a fast-flowing section of the Thames.

“All allegations to the contrary are completely unfounded, and Shapps is definitely alive and well. Look, here’s a note he wrote, it says ‘Hi everyone, I’m totally fine, best

November 26, 2015

Osborne fails to complete wall on live TV

by philapilus
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/d1/Brick_wall_close-up_view.jpg/320px-Brick_wall_close-up_view.jpg

Presumably the chancellor’s catchphrase about finishing the job doesn’t apply in any concrete way

George Osborne has been criticised after doing a very half-assed bit of bricklaying which was caught by BBC cameras.

Journalists had tracked down the chancellor on a building site, where he spoke about the Spending Review and the economy, whilst working on a wall.

But to the nation’s surprise, after making his statement the chancellor downed his trowel, took off his helmet and hi-vis jacket, and

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