Archive for ‘Satire’

November 26, 2015

Osborne fails to complete wall on live TV

by philapilus

Presumably the chancellor’s catchphrase about finishing the job doesn’t apply in any concrete way

George Osborne has been criticised after doing a very half-assed bit of bricklaying which was caught by BBC cameras.

Journalists had tracked down the chancellor on a building site, where he spoke about the Spending Review and the economy, whilst working on a wall.

But to the nation’s surprise, after making his statement the chancellor downed his trowel, took off his helmet and hi-vis jacket, and

November 24, 2015

Turkish downing of Russian jet leads to pause for reflection

by philapilus

He’ll probably just tell Turkey that it’s no big deal, accidents happen, and not to worry about it

The shooting down of a Russian warplane by Turkish jets has inadvertently brought about an international detente, after major powers agreed that things were clearly out of hand.

President Putin said “This has given me pause to reflect and to think about all kinds of things in a calm and measured way.

“For instance, I am now wondering whether we should be less belligerent in our testing of other nation’s borders, and also

November 4, 2015

Hard Rock Cafe not very ‘rock’ at all

by philapilus
File:Black Converse sneakers.JPG

Worn by none other than the girl who cleaned the toilets after not one, but TWO Radiohead gigs

A couple who visited a Hard Rock Cafe yesterday have said they are “extremely surprised at how unrock the place was”.

Tim Twanks from Swindon said “I was kind of expecting it to be like a rock concert, only in a cafe.

“It wasn’t.

“Then I

October 29, 2015

Tories warn women: “Stop bleeding everywhere”

by philapilus

Perfect with caviar and a nice brandy

After defeating  a motion to remove the so-called ‘tampon tax’, the Conservative party has reminded women everywhere that bleeding once a month is a luxury and called upon the female population to “just stop menstruating”.

Treasury spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Women need to remember that the whole period thing is basically just one long self-indulgent pampering session enjoyed monthly.

“This whining about the cost of tampons is

October 27, 2015

GP receptionists “not actually in charge”

by philapilus

This could never, ever happen in real life

A new study commissioned by the NHS has returned the shocking finding that doctors’ receptionists are just phone-droids who do not actually run the whole show, despite what they believe.

The study casts doubt on the legitimacy of the officious men and women who have to be cajoled and pleaded with for quarter of an hour before they will huffily get you an appointment at the most inconvenient time possible.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, author of the report, said “Anyone approaching the front desk in a surgery could be forgiven for

October 19, 2015

Downton Abbey celebrates the rise of fascist appeasement

by philapilus

The finale to season 47 will feature the obligatory robot butler

Fans of Downton Abbey have lauded the appearance of Neville Chamberlain in last night’s episode, where he prophesied the rise of European fascism, much to the pleasure of the family and staff.

The pseudo-historical soap opera featured the pro-appeasement politician coming to dinner, where he delighted the Earl of Grantham and Lady Violet with a long-winded explanation about how important it is to make friends with powerful, morally bankrupt dictators.

“If only there was a strong leader in Germany,” said Neville, “someone to

October 12, 2015

Andrew Marr is not really allowed to park his fucking green scooter outside the front door, say BBC chiefs

by philapilus

“I don’t give a fuck” said megalomaniac Marr

Senior staff at the BBC have said that Andy Marr has “positively absolutely definitely NOT got permission to leave that stupid green scooter outside the front fucking door.”

The revelation comes after compliance officers investigated complaints that Marr has a God-complex.

On reviewing footage from the opening sequence of the Andrew Marr show, they notice

October 4, 2015

2015 tory conference: Hunt mobbed by fans, Cameron praised for tax credit cuts

by philapilus


The 2015 Conservative conference has already been judged a huge success, with witnesses describing an electric atmosphere at the Manchester venue.

Activists and party grandees cheered and cried out ‘Hosanna’ as David Cameron arrived riding his giant wild boar, Pickles, and strewing the ground before him with palm leaves.

After the prime minister dismounted he pissed in the face of a street urchin and announced that he would not be changing his mind on

October 4, 2015

England’s love affair with Australia going strong

by philapilus

“‘H’ stands for ‘Happy for them’. The beer-guzzling, wallaby-riding scum” said England

It has been confirmed this weekend that the English are still just absolutely head over heels in love with Australia, and wish Australians nothing but happiness and good fortune in all their ventures.

An online poll which took place between 10PM Saturday night and Sunday lunchtime found that English men were particularly keen on Aussies, with almost 90% of male respondents confirming that they had ‘nothing but good thoughts’ about the chaps from down under.

Englishman Stuart Lancaster said “Ah, Australia. Brings a smile to my face just to think about them. Nothing makes me happier than

September 30, 2015

Entire office wondering what toilet brush does

by philapilus

‘Word of warning though; don’t use them to stir your coffee because it’ll taste rank’

It has been revealed that the entire staff of a company are completely flummoxed by a  plastic stick with bristles which has been discovered in the toilets.

IT solutions company, Solutions For IT, found that its seventy-six employees had literally no idea what the object was, nor why it sat next to the lavatory pan.

They were however all agreed that the toilets were absolutely filthy, and demanded management do something about it.

As part of its investigation into why its staff found cleaning the toilet after using it so fucking difficult, Solutions For IT discovered that almost half of them used the brush as a backscratcher – which is not as unhygienic as it sounds, given that it has never entered the loo.

Nobody was able to even hazard a guess as to its true purpose.

Receptionist Wendy Nailinthehead said “Sometimes when I’m in there explosively shitting, or looking at Tinder, or just hiding, I like to pretend that thing is a microphone, and I mime singing ‘Young Hearts Run Free’ into it.

“Presumably that’s not what it’s really for though?”

Marketing Drone Tim Twanks said “I’ve never noticed it before, but then my attention is always drawn to the filth all over the pan, the seat, and often the floor as well.

“When I am at home I don’t usually coat the room in my excrement, because I would have to clear it up. But in public spaces it normally just disappears of its own accord, doesn’t it? Well not here! It’s a disgrace that they make us use that loo.

“Can you pass me that plastic thingy in the pot? I ate onions for lunch and I want to brush my teeth with it.”


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