Archive for ‘Satire’

September 29, 2014

Boris lambastes “Tory nutters for joining Ukip nutters”

by philapilus

The very Reckless Mr Mark Stupid MP

In the run-up to his headline performance at this year’s Conservative Party conference, Boris Johnson has attacked Tory defectors for being “Nuts. But, er…not in, you know, the good Tory way.”

The rockstar-politician and occasional Mayor of London said that traitors Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless “Should be, well, should probably

September 23, 2014

Miliband: “I can fix Britain by 2025, if you all just go away and count to a billion”

by philapilus

“Keep your eyes shut… no peeking, or you’ll spoil it!”

Ed Miliband wowed the Labour conference today, with a closing speech ambitiously pledging to fix absolutely everything in the UK in 10 years – provided everyone just goes away until he’s finished.

The leader of the opposition told party members “This is NOT another slogan. ‘Britain 2025′ is a real, tangible thing.

“I PROMISE you, hand on heart, that if elected I will definitely fix this broken country in a decade. Only thing is, it’s sort of like a magic trick; I have to do it secretly. If you’re all watching and scrutinising me, it won’t work. Kind of like

September 22, 2014

“You’re not actually PM anymore” Cameron tells Blair

by philapilus
Leaders from the three main political parties were forced to make An Intervention this morning, after unhinged

WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM ANNUAL MEETING 2009 - Tony Blair.jpg

Has been very busy recently writing long emails to God instructing him how to run the universe

megalomaniac Tony Blair rang up the Ministry of Defence and ordered ground troops into Iraq and Syria.

A recording of his phonecall to the MoD revealed Blair instructed the UK armed forces to “Unleash a fiery hell” upon the Islamic State militia, adding “We’re going in again boys; I’ve led you to military triumph before, and I’ll do it again!”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said “David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband went round to Tony’s and knocked on the door. He answered it wearing a toga, paratrooper boots

September 22, 2014

Man United lose 5-3 to John Major’s Leicester City

by philapilus

Major said goalie Hurd was his ‘man of the match’, as not a single ball got past him – despite the aging Hurd having to play sitting down.

Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has said his team “were simply outplayed” after their humiliating defeat at the hands of Leicester City.

Leicester’s captain, former Prime Minister Sir John Major, scored four of the five goals that saw his team make an amazing comeback from 3-1 down.

Major said “I am really pleased with this result. I was a bit concerned we wouldn’t do very well, especially as there were only nine of us on the pitch. Heseltine did his hip in after a vigorous country ramble, and it turned out Ted Heath was actually dead.

“It also did not

September 22, 2014

Tesco makes minor accounting error of £250m

by philapilus

Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.

Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.

The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.

Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more

September 22, 2014

Derbyshire dam “accidentally destroyed” in historic aircraft flypast

by philapilus

In 2012 one of the planes accidentally killed a standful of veterans at a memorial airshow, an action welcomed by Iain Duncan Smith’s DWP.

Tragedy struck during an RAF flypast yesterday, when the last two remaining World War Two Avro Lancasters accidentally bombed and obliterated Derwent Dam.

An excited crowd of enthusiasts and spectators had assembled at the dam – the practise site for the famous ‘Dambusters’ raid – all of whom were drowned when the planes unleashed a massive payload of bouncing bombs.

Wing Commander Sir Leslie Fanshawe Haines-Haines, the RAF liaison for all commemorative displays and historical re-enactmants, said “Bloody bad luck, what? No idea the bloody bombs were still on the bally planes!

“Shame about

September 19, 2014

Defeated Salmond to be dragged through streets in victory parade

by philapilus

The No campaign’s brilliant ‘Trojan Horse’ subterfuge involved getting a bunch of hypocritical non-resident celebrities, like Sean Connery, to come out in favour of independence. The principles of reverse psychology did the rest.

David Cameron will today chain the body of vanquished foe Alex Salmond to the back of a Nissan Micra, and then drag it around Edinburgh – just like Achilles did with Hector at Troy.

The defeat of the Yes campaign in yesterday’s referendum marks the end of the SNP’s dreams for independence, and the crushing of the First Minister’s long-held ambition to crown himself King of Scotland.

In a press statement this morning

September 18, 2014

Scottish referendum: what they’re saying

by philapilus
File:Scotland map.png

If they vote yes, can we just dig a trench along the border and push them into the Atlantic Ocean?

Voters are flocking to the polling stations today, as the referendum on Scottish independence is finally under way.

During the nerve-biting, nail-wracking wait for tomorrow morning’s results, TMB brings you a round-up of what the great, the good, and the twattish are saying.

David Cameron: Voting yes would be a terrible mistake. Especially as we know where all of you live. You’re on our list, folks. Literally. We have

September 16, 2014

Some vote or something going on in Scotland…?

by philapilus

“Is this their flag? I think this is their flag…”

People throughout the UK have been surprised to learn this lunchtime that there is going to be some kind of referendum or something taking place in Scotland – apparently really quite soon.

The ‘Scottish vote’ was first mentioned this morning on local radio in Torquay, during a phone-in session about the drawbacks of catsitting, but has gradually been picked up by the main news organs during the course of the morning.

The three main UK political parties and the Scottish National Party all admitted they were not in a position to comment on the forthcoming vote, because none of them could quite remember anything about it.

But the

September 16, 2014

Apple unveil ‘U2-removal tool’ to seek out and destroy bandmembers

by philapilus

How to dismantle an atonal Bono

Following the general panic and devastation unleashed by the U2 covert weapon recently, Apple has released a new tool to help customers get rid of the troublesome band.

A ‘one-click removal button’ gives users the power – with a simple deft flick of the finger – to send Apple donations towards a fleet of deadly iDrones.

A spokesperson for the technology giant said “Once enough people have clicked and the funds are in, we will purchase and then re-brand USAF drones, paint them white, and then send them out to hunt down and

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