Archive for ‘Royal Family’

September 24, 2014

Cameron and Queen in alleged ‘dirty phonecall’ scandal

by philapilus

“Phwooar! Don’t stop, ma’am, don’t stop…”

David Cameron’s office has rejected calls for him to apologise to the Queen, after footage emerged of him allegedly describing a dirty phonecall with the monarch.

The Prime Minister was caught on film telling ex-New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, “Yeah, Liz was purring like a cat, breathing heavy – the works. Then she started describing how she was going to town on herself, real dirty, nasty shit. And that’s when I messed my pants.

“It was just

September 8, 2014

Duchess of Cambridge’s foetus opposes Scottish independence

by philapilus

Very much of the opinion that Scotland needs to stay in the union.

The news that Prince William and Kate are expecting their second child has had a huge effect on the Scottish referendum question, with the No campaign claiming that “If the Scots vote for independence they will be deliberately rebelling against a helpless, unborn Royal foetus. Heartless Bastards.”

Alistair Darling said “Naturally the second-born child of the son of the heir to the British throne has a vested interest in maintaining the integrity of the United Kingdom, and does not want to see a sizeable – if truculent, uncouth and pasty – portion of the population pull away.

“The foetus is very definitely in the ‘No’ camp, and nothing that Alex ‘Fishface’ Salmond can say or do will

July 21, 2014

Glaswegians waxing foreheads for 10 days of nuttings

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/48/Zinedine_Zidane_and_Marco_Materazzi_%28retouch%29.jpg/359px-Zinedine_Zidane_and_Marco_Materazzi_%28retouch%29.jpg

The Glasgow Tourist Board has pamphleted the city with Illustrated leaflets reminding the populace how to perform the Glasgow Kiss, and commissioned this uplifting civic sculpture, entitled ‘Glasgow expects every man to do his duty’

Glasgow’s population have been training hard in preparation for the muggings, headbuttings, brutal assaults, and general acts of violence they will be perpetrating during the next fortnight or so, to celebrate the Commonwealth Games.

Visitors from all around the world will flock to the city, with the aim of watching some of the world’s finest athletes compete, although they will, in fact, spend most of their visit lying in gutters moaning, or visiting the city’s overworked casualty wards.

Spokesperson for the Commonwealth Games Federation, Sir Percy Spoke, said “We were desperate not to hold the event in Scotland, but they sent a note threatening ‘tae do youse all in gud an prop’r if ye’ll no hold tha games heeer’, and so we had no choice.

“We have

May 21, 2014

Prince Charles congratulates Putin on “admirably German” handling of Ukraine

by philapilus
File:Duke and Duchess of Windsor meet Adolf Hitler 1937.jpg

“And might I just add; we’re huge fans of how you’ve handled the neighbours, Herr Adolf”

Prince Charles has caused a considerable stir this morning, after it emerged he had praised the Russians’ actions over the Ukraine crisis.

The Prince of Wales said that Putin’s annexation of the Crimea and belligerent military pressure on Ukraine were “Very akin to the robust handling of neighbouring states by the Germans, which was so admired by my Great Uncle Eddie.

“My son Harry is also a huge fan of

April 28, 2014

George Clooney’s marriage ‘to make everything OK’

by philapilus

“It’s OK Barry, everything will be fine from now on”

It was revealed this morning that the small remainder of the world’s problems that weren’t solved by the visit of Prince George to New Zealand and Australia, will be handily mopped up by the news that George Clooney is banging some lawyer.

All news of the crisis in Ukraine, the devastating tornadoes in America, and the escalating hostilities between North and South Korea, dried up completely, as George Clooney’s relationship healed the world like a great big sticking plaster, and a kiss on the hurty bit from your mum.

Clooney’s agent, Vic Smarm, said “After weeks of nearly everything being brilliant because a baby visited

April 10, 2014

Prince George to feature in next ‘Hobbit’ film

by philapilus

Prince George is using his time in New Zealand to pursue his passion for acting it was revealed today, after the son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge was spotted on a Peter Jackson film set.

An artist’s impression of what it might look like if the young Prince got to fight Smaug

Royal spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, said “The Prince is just doing a cameo really, I don’t think he will be fighting the dragon or anything. Although, come to think of it, that would make for some smashingly pertinent iconography .”

Jackson, who is currently filming inserts for the third film in his decology based on J R R Tolkien’s short children’s book, ‘the Hobbit’, said “Actually the Prince was brilliant. He was the right size and everything.

“I mean, he

April 7, 2014

Palace visitors queuing to be threatened at gunpoint

by philapilus

Hordes of tourists are thronging the Mall this afternoon, and queuing all the way down the Strand, for the opportunity to have a rifle waved in their faces by a Queen’s Guardsman.

On their way to beat the crap out of some annoying French schoolkids

The exciting new visitor attraction was unveiled on Friday, when a lucky member of the public had a gun with fixed bayonet shoved within 12 inches of his noseholes.

Traffic in Trafalgar Square was brought to a standstill by mid-morning today, and Buckingham Palace announced

March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

February 12, 2014

Met Office issues revised flood information

by philapilus

Druids,_in_the_early_morning_glow_of_the_sun

The BBC Weather team

As it predicted yet more flooding today, the Met Office has said Britain’s only chance of survival against the righteous wrath of nature is to sacrifice key national figures, at various sacred coves, waterfalls, and ancient fords.

Weather forecasters were instructed this morning to lose the suits and designer dresses, put on their traditional druidic robes, and crown themselves with wreaths of hawthorn, before telling the cowed peasantry the most magical locations for ritually murdering a selection of politicians and celebrities.

BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, said “Obviously you’ll want to keep an eye on regional television, to see which famous people should be dressed in white robes and then hacked up with a sickle, in your particular area.

“But the broad picture for the UK is that Prince Charles needs to be dismembered and thrown off Beachy Head, the Spice Girls must

January 28, 2014

Queen to leave door on the latch

by philapilus

‘It’s not like she’s even been given a nice house or anything’

MPs have suggested that since the financial burden of supporting the Royal family has increased, the Queen should leave Buckingham Palace open for visitors whenever she pops out.

Margaret Hodge, Chairwoman of the Public Accounts Committee, said “We’re not asking her to physically sit there and entertain thousands of grubby foreigners to tea.

“But if she happens to be on her way out for a pint of milk or a packet of Bourbons, she could just leave the door ajar, and let some more visitors come in and poke around a bit.”

But the suggestion that Royal assets should be used more effectively to relieve the burden on the public purse, has been dismissed by Royalists, and people who are confused as to the difference between the Monarch and God.

Tim Twanks, a self-described unemployed fan of the Royals, said “They’re not like you and me. They’re just inherently, naturally better, right from birth.

“We can’t

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