Archive for ‘Royal Family’

April 10, 2014

Prince George to feature in next ‘Hobbit’ film

by philapilus

Prince George is using his time in New Zealand to pursue his passion for acting it was revealed today, after the son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge was spotted on a Peter Jackson film set.

An artist’s impression of what it might look like if the young Prince got to fight Smaug

Royal spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, said “The Prince is just doing a cameo really, I don’t think he will be fighting the dragon or anything. Although, come to think of it, that would make for some smashingly pertinent iconography .”

Jackson, who is currently filming inserts for the third film in his decology based on J R R Tolkien’s short children’s book, ‘the Hobbit’, said “Actually the Prince was brilliant. He was the right size and everything.

“I mean, he

April 7, 2014

Palace visitors queuing to be threatened at gunpoint

by philapilus

Hordes of tourists are thronging the Mall this afternoon, and queuing all the way down the Strand, for the opportunity to have a rifle waved in their faces by a Queen’s Guardsman.

On their way to beat the crap out of some annoying French schoolkids

The exciting new visitor attraction was unveiled on Friday, when a lucky member of the public had a gun with fixed bayonet shoved within 12 inches of his noseholes.

Traffic in Trafalgar Square was brought to a standstill by mid-morning today, and Buckingham Palace announced

March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

February 12, 2014

Met Office issues revised flood information

by philapilus

Druids,_in_the_early_morning_glow_of_the_sun

The BBC Weather team

As it predicted yet more flooding today, the Met Office has said Britain’s only chance of survival against the righteous wrath of nature is to sacrifice key national figures, at various sacred coves, waterfalls, and ancient fords.

Weather forecasters were instructed this morning to lose the suits and designer dresses, put on their traditional druidic robes, and crown themselves with wreaths of hawthorn, before telling the cowed peasantry the most magical locations for ritually murdering a selection of politicians and celebrities.

BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, said “Obviously you’ll want to keep an eye on regional television, to see which famous people should be dressed in white robes and then hacked up with a sickle, in your particular area.

“But the broad picture for the UK is that Prince Charles needs to be dismembered and thrown off Beachy Head, the Spice Girls must

January 28, 2014

Queen to leave door on the latch

by philapilus

‘It’s not like she’s even been given a nice house or anything’

MPs have suggested that since the financial burden of supporting the Royal family has increased, the Queen should leave Buckingham Palace open for visitors whenever she pops out.

Margaret Hodge, Chairwoman of the Public Accounts Committee, said “We’re not asking her to physically sit there and entertain thousands of grubby foreigners to tea.

“But if she happens to be on her way out for a pint of milk or a packet of Bourbons, she could just leave the door ajar, and let some more visitors come in and poke around a bit.”

But the suggestion that Royal assets should be used more effectively to relieve the burden on the public purse, has been dismissed by Royalists, and people who are confused as to the difference between the Monarch and God.

Tim Twanks, a self-described unemployed fan of the Royals, said “They’re not like you and me. They’re just inherently, naturally better, right from birth.

“We can’t

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

November 18, 2013

‘Let them watch vegetables’, says Camilla

by philapilus

Camilla and Charles are both very green in their outlook

The Duchess of Cornwall yesterday showed how in touch and hip the Royal family are, when she called for youngsters to “Put away their iPods and their Youtube, go and sit in the garden and watch some vegetables grow.”

The Duchess, who is the wife of Prince Charles (and will therefore be our future queen for seven days in 2029, until Charles keels over and dies a week after being crowned) exhorted kids to “Go and stare at vegetables, just like your peasant ancestors in the good old days.

“Being married to a man who talks to trees, and being the daughter-in-law of Prince Philip, has given me ample opportunity to relish the slow, gentle pace of vegetable-watching.

“If more of

November 1, 2013

“I was murdered by Simone Simmons” says Diana’s ghost

by philapilus
English: Princess Diana meeting with Sri Chinm...

The departed spirits of Princess Diana and Sri Chinmoy revealed this morning that they frequently had foursomes with Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson in a spaceship orbiting Pluto

Princess Diana’s ghost has lashed out at Simone Simmons today, after the Daily Star published an article in which her former ‘spiritual counsellor’ claimed to be carrying messages from the dead royal to the Duchess of Cambridge.

In an extraordinary revelation, the mother of Princes William and Harry, and would-have-been-grandmother to Prince George, said to TMB’s very own spiritual guru, Randy Bumfukowitz, “Tell everyone not to believe that lying little twat. It was none-other than Simone who orchestrated my death, through her links with the shady and secretive illuminati of the Royal British Legion.”

Diana, former daughter-in-law of the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh, then

October 24, 2013

Royal Christening chaos

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Still missing

The private christening yesterday of Prince George was mildly overshadowed by ‘supernatural oddities’, according to eye witnesses.

A close relative of the couple said “It all started when Kate carried him in to the Royal Chapel at St James Palace. The walls began trembling, and the pews bounced across the floor, which hadn’t happened in the chapel since Prince Philip ate that dodgy curry in 1987.

“Then, just as the Duchess was about to

September 13, 2013

“We wouldn’t date you bastards either” say Blobfish

by philapilus
English: A dominant male proboscis monkey at t...

“I wouldn’t kiss Richard Littlejohn to save the fucking rainforests”

After being named the planet’s ugliest creature in a competition to pick a mascot for the Ugly Animal Preservation Society, blobfish said today that, as far as they were concerned, humans weren’t all that either.

Spokesfish Bob Flish said “Speaking on behalf of the various species that you hairless monkeys have taken it upon yourselves to call ugly, I’d like to say that, collectively, the entire animal kingdom would rather go extinct than on a date with Bruce Forsyth.

“I mean you’ve got some fucking nerve, haven’t you? Look at Esther Rantzen, Anne Diamond, David

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