Archive for ‘Religion’

April 7, 2015

Everyone wishing Jesus had stayed dead a bit longer

by philapilus

If only Jesus had stayed in his magical cocoon for a few more days…

There have been reports of considerable anger and bad-feeling in workplaces across the country this morning, as Britain returned to work after the long Easter weekend, and agreed that the Messiah should have provided for at least another couple of days off.

Mike Ock, hungover in Brighton, said “What I don’t get, right, is Jesus was God, yeah? He could do anything. So why couldn’t he just play dead for a bit longer, get some kip in, and extend the whole Easter break by a couple of days?

“I was just getting into my drinking stride, and now I’m back at my sodding desk.”

Wendy Nailinthehead from Reading added

March 25, 2015

Isis in deadly battle with Tusken raiders

by philapilus

“F*ck you, crazy Isis bastards; we’ve got a f*cking X-Wing”

Isis have become locked in deadly combat with the Tusken raiders, after the Jihadis began using Tatooine as an entry-point to Libya.

The spread of Isis throughout the region has typically been marked by the brutal subjugation of local peoples, but experts think that the religious fundamentalists were probably unaware of the presence of an alien race in Tunisia.

Military Analyst, Randy Fukwitz, said “Whilst the sand-people are mostly uninterested in what completely mental humans do in the name of their imaginary magic friends, they

January 28, 2015

Michelle Obama chastised for offending bigoted misogynists

by philapilus

Apparently it’s impossible for anyone to form a rational opinion that isn’t full of either religious or anti-religious shit.

The First Lady of America, Michelle Obama, has been criticised for not wearing a headscarf whilst visiting Saudi Arabia this week.

Fans of fundamentalism, liberal apologists, and cerebrally challenged people with internet connections, have all lambasted Barack Obama’s wife, accusing her of cultural insensitivity, especially in the wake of the death of Saudi monarch, King Abdullah.

Wendy Nailinthehead, an unemployed person somewhat larger than her own doorway, tweeted “It’s

January 19, 2015

Religious leaders ask Cameron to explain relevance of MPs to Britain

by philapilus

Eric arriving at a press conference on his giant black moth

Senior religious figures have written an open letter to the Prime Minister, asking “how the complete fuckwits composing the political class can possibly be seen as contributing to British identity.”

The letter follows one written to Muslim leaders by Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, (once favourably described as ‘like the bloated turd that inevitably blocks the only toilet at a house party’). In his letter, Pickles asked Muslims to explain why rabid xenophobic Britons shouldn’t be allowed to just beat the shit out of them.

Imam Abdul Iqbal said “I thought long and hard about the ways that

January 16, 2015

Pope continues magnificent ‘wave but don’t make waves’ campaign

by philapilus

Pope Francis has continued to highlight the plight of the poor and needy by visiting the Philippines and saying what a bad thing inequality is, whilst sitting in the relative isolation of a bullet-proof car.

The Pope insisted that the best way to defeat poverty is to be pictured smiling and waving at people in threadbare clothes, whilst offering non-specific platitudes about the wealthy that stop short of actually ticking them off per se.

Taking a break from punching his aide, Alberto Gasparri, the

Tags:
January 7, 2015

Satire stopped forever to please fundamentalists

by philapilus

Such a good argument

After the brutal slaughter of civilians at French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, the international satirical community has conceded that hardline fundamentalists have clearly won the intellectual argument.

The murders, apparently committed by Islamic extremists, have shown political pomposity-pricking humorists everywhere that having a bit of a laugh at horrible people is just not on.

Satire-recusant Tim Twanks said “There is literally nothing worse in the world than having a bit of a laugh at someone who’s an arsehole.

“Seriously. If you’re a

January 1, 2015

2014 in Headlines

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2a/Nigel_Farage_Autumn_2008.JPG

Farage beat Kelly Brook to become Mail Online’s ‘Most Beloved Person’

Here at TMB we have Googled tirelessly, for more than three minutes, to remind you of the major news headlines from 2014. This is in no way because our entire reporting staff called in sick with epic hangovers, preventing us from giving you any actual news.

 

Blair rejects Nobel Peace Prize “The money’s shit; I’m insulted”

Eastwood finally guns down Eli Wallach

British public loses battle of wits with puddle

Harrods boss: “Everything I

December 17, 2014

1st female bishop appointed, then shown where the kettle is

by philapilus

Contemplating the shared locker-room arrangements

Vicar Reverend Libby Lane, the Church of England’s first female bishop, has today been welcomed to the job by the Archbishop of Canterbury, and handed a very pretty pinny.

Archbishop Justin Welby said “We are absolutely delighted that Libby has joined the big boys gang. Now everyone can see how modern the church actually is.

“Also we’ve finally got someone to make the tea, do the hoovering, and type the letters. And of course poor old Bath & Wells won’t have to

December 15, 2014

Sewell on Theatre: 2B’s Nativity Play

by philapilus

One was hardly put in mind of Piero Della Francesca

Review by Brian Sewell

Depressingly, this year’s offering to the dramatic muses Thalia and Melpomene once again took place in the School Hall – that most unimpressive and drab of venues. But one cannot blame the actors for that.

What one can – and does – blame the actors for, however, is the appalling quality of the performance. After last year’s debacle one hoped that the budding thespians would put some effort into their art.

But alas, the same ill-prepared cast recited lines in a manner that could only be evidence of severe mental retardation, under the

November 28, 2014

Ukip: ‘Immigration not as big a deal as we thought’

by philapilus

Not a minaret

Ukip admitted today that they had vastly overestimated the extent of the “infiltration of other cultures”, after it transpired that 82% of all things they had thought were mosques weren’t.

A spokesman said “Turns out Westminster Cathedral isn’t a mosque! Nor is Blenheim Palace, the London Eye, or Stonehenge.

“Even Charlie Brooker is not a mosque. We’ve

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 320 other followers