Archive for ‘Religion’

August 11, 2014

US trying to reanimate Saddam

by philapilus

In the hierarchy of American foreign policy options, creating a Frankenstein’s Monster traditionally sits somewhere between drone-strikes and the deployment of the entire US armed forces for an indefinite period of time.

President Obama has authorised the Pentagon’s medical science divisions to attempt a radical new procedure that it is hoped will bring the corpse of Saddam Hussein back from the dead.

The US has intervened in Iraq for decades, using sanctions, military occupation, drone strikes, political strong-arming, and even flooding the country with porn and jam – all without success.

The President held a press conference and announced that it was “Now time for a different approach.

“In line with our long-held policy of not really having a strategy and making

August 7, 2014

Iraq: followers of Christopher Hitchens flee, as Dennet’s supporters take Qaraqosh

by philapilus

After his death many of Hitch’s followers interpreted his death-rattle as an incitement to terrible Jihad against the Dawkinsist minority.

The crisis in Iraq moved one step further to full-scale civil war yesterday, after thousands of Hitchensites fled from the ruthless Daniel Dennettian militants.

UN experts said that up to a quarter of the country’s Hitchensites were in flight, after Qaraqosh was captured yesterday.

Iraqi Dennettians have unleashed a wave of violence, in their war to secure a pan-Middle Eastern state founded on the principles of Daniel Dennett.

But whilst many devout followers of the Hitch are

August 5, 2014

Israeli-Palestinian truce brokered to piss off Baroness Warsi

by philapilus

Principled (well, for a given value of ‘principled’)

A fragile ceasefire has begun between the Israeli armed forces and Hamas, after both sides agreed it would be “an excellent way of making Lady Warsi look like a dick”.

Baronness Warsi resigned as a Foreign Office minister this morning, in protest at the government’s ‘let’s just pretend it isn’t happening’ policy on Gaza.

Israel and Palestine issued a joint statement shortly afterwards, which said “Whilst we love nothing better than murdering each other until the corpses fill the streets, we are going to put this on hold for a little bit, just to make Warsi look like a total idiot for resigning just as

July 30, 2014

Israel and Palestine “giving war another chance”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Damaged_housing_gaza_strip_april_2009.jpg

“Let’s stick together, come on, come on, let’s stick together”

The opposing armed forces of Israel and Hamas have agreed to give conflict another go, saying that there is just too much history between them to give up on it now.

After suffering a night of heavy bombardment that saw scores of people dead, Palestine said this morning “We’ve been together so long, and I don’t want to just walk away from all that.

“What kind of a heartless bastard would I have to be not to repay Israel in kind for last night? After which hopefully it will retaliate again, and we can stay together, doing this for the rest of our lives.”

Israel said “There comes a time when

June 11, 2014

Catastrophe in Mosul as OH LOOK, FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Presumably Mosul didn’t make it past the qualifiers, because they’re not in any of the groups as far as we can see

Around half a million refugees have fled the city of Mosul after Islamist militants did something or other that will probably sort itself out and be absolutely fine, because IT’S THE FRICKIN’ WORLD CUP!

Middle East experts said today “The next few weeks are going to be amazing, with absolutely and completely non-stop football; football games, football analysis, football interviews, football adverts, and everyone brilliantly never shutting-the-fuck-up about the football.

“It’s going to be

June 5, 2014

Teaching children about Dawkins could put them off science, claims Santa

by philapilus

Gets really narked if you don’t call him ‘Lord’

Jovial multiple trespasser Santa Claus made an unscheduled appearance at the annual ‘Not smugly convinced of your own superiority’ festival in Cheltenham this week, to warn against the dangers of exposing young minds to Richard Dawkins.

Santa flew in to the festival using his customary means of transport, a Cessna 182 light aircraft, and delivered a pleasant oration on how important it was “not to fill the impressionable minds of children with a bunch of unwavering dogma spouted by elderly white men in positions of influence and power.

“Same goes for religion, of course.” said Mr Claus, finishing another of the sherries he had purloined from festival attendees.

“Basically, whenever you see a

May 8, 2014

Non-Halal chickens slaughtered in five-star luxury

by philapilus
Absolutely furious it wasn't killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Absolutely furious it wasn’t killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Several animal welfare groups claimed today that”Decent, neo-liberal Western abattoir methods are infinitely preferable to the decadent barbaric process of Halal slaughter.”

The comments come after questions about the labelling of meat suddenly became the third most important thing in the country – a furore stemming from the fact that some animals slaughtered according to Halal principles have packaging which neglects to mention this.

Brittany Wurstlove, of pressure group ‘Treat ‘em Nice, Then Cleave and Dice’, said “It is positively immoral that live animals are having their throats cut because of some towel-head mumbo jumbo, instead of being ripped apart by the razor-clawed hands of decent, atheistic abattoir robots.

“If you were

May 7, 2014

Beginning of Universe recreated in lab by Christian physicists

by philapilus
'Let there be light'

‘Let there be light’

An astonishingly detailed recreation of the evolution of the universe has been unveiled by a team of internationally renowned religious scientists.

The group, led by Reverend Professor Woody Dicks, have created a computer simulation, which they say matches the available data with such breathtaking accuracy that it is considered “completely impossible” for it to contain a single flaw.

Dicks said “We even solved the problem of Dark Matter, which has puzzled the atheists for years. But if you watch the simulation carefully, you’ll see that right at the start of the video, it’s really, really, really dark.

“Good, eh?”

The simulation begins with an

April 17, 2014

My Christianity, by David Cameron

by philapilus

As Easter approaches I thought it might be appropriate to share with you some of the lessons that Christianity has taught me personally, and which help guide my decisions as Prime Minister.

Favoured significantly lowering the top rate of taxation and abolishing inheritance tax completely

Jesus was a figure of great courage and empathy. Even though he was the Son of God, he spent his life helping the poor, living amongst the working classes, and striving to improve the lot of the common man.

He whipped greedy bankers, and berated the powerful, whilst teaching us all to treat foreigners as brothers, welcoming them into our home, regardless of race or creed.

Looking back over what my coalition government has achieved, I think it would be immodest to say that I am as good as Jesus exactly, but I

April 17, 2014

Easter holidays to be frittered away

by philapilus

Experts said this morning that you are going to completely waste your Easter break, despite your good intentions.

“Ideal for self-improvement!” said no one, ever.

Plans to read mind-improving books, learn a language, play that instrument which is gathering dust in a cupboard, or even just to occasionally open the door and go outside for a minute, are all doomed to fail.

Holiday-wastage analyst, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Your ambitious plans are ridiculous. You should give up on them.

“You aren’t going to spend

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