Archive for ‘Religion’

July 30, 2014

Israel and Palestine “giving war another chance”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Damaged_housing_gaza_strip_april_2009.jpg

“Let’s stick together, come on, come on, let’s stick together”

The opposing armed forces of Israel and Hamas have agreed to give conflict another go, saying that there is just too much history between them to give up on it now.

After suffering a night of heavy bombardment that saw scores of people dead, Palestine said this morning “We’ve been together so long, and I don’t want to just walk away from all that.

“What kind of a heartless bastard would I have to be not to repay Israel in kind for last night? After which hopefully it will retaliate again, and we can stay together, doing this for the rest of our lives.”

Israel said “There comes a time when

June 11, 2014

Catastrophe in Mosul as OH LOOK, FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Presumably Mosul didn’t make it past the qualifiers, because they’re not in any of the groups as far as we can see

Around half a million refugees have fled the city of Mosul after Islamist militants did something or other that will probably sort itself out and be absolutely fine, because IT’S THE FRICKIN’ WORLD CUP!

Middle East experts said today “The next few weeks are going to be amazing, with absolutely and completely non-stop football; football games, football analysis, football interviews, football adverts, and everyone brilliantly never shutting-the-fuck-up about the football.

“It’s going to be

June 5, 2014

Teaching children about Dawkins could put them off science, claims Santa

by philapilus

Gets really narked if you don’t call him ‘Lord’

Jovial multiple trespasser Santa Claus made an unscheduled appearance at the annual ‘Not smugly convinced of your own superiority’ festival in Cheltenham this week, to warn against the dangers of exposing young minds to Richard Dawkins.

Santa flew in to the festival using his customary means of transport, a Cessna 182 light aircraft, and delivered a pleasant oration on how important it was “not to fill the impressionable minds of children with a bunch of unwavering dogma spouted by elderly white men in positions of influence and power.

“Same goes for religion, of course.” said Mr Claus, finishing another of the sherries he had purloined from festival attendees.

“Basically, whenever you see a

May 8, 2014

Non-Halal chickens slaughtered in five-star luxury

by philapilus
Absolutely furious it wasn't killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Absolutely furious it wasn’t killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Several animal welfare groups claimed today that”Decent, neo-liberal Western abattoir methods are infinitely preferable to the decadent barbaric process of Halal slaughter.”

The comments come after questions about the labelling of meat suddenly became the third most important thing in the country – a furore stemming from the fact that some animals slaughtered according to Halal principles have packaging which neglects to mention this.

Brittany Wurstlove, of pressure group ‘Treat ‘em Nice, Then Cleave and Dice’, said “It is positively immoral that live animals are having their throats cut because of some towel-head mumbo jumbo, instead of being ripped apart by the razor-clawed hands of decent, atheistic abattoir robots.

“If you were

May 7, 2014

Beginning of Universe recreated in lab by Christian physicists

by philapilus
'Let there be light'

‘Let there be light’

An astonishingly detailed recreation of the evolution of the universe has been unveiled by a team of internationally renowned religious scientists.

The group, led by Reverend Professor Woody Dicks, have created a computer simulation, which they say matches the available data with such breathtaking accuracy that it is considered “completely impossible” for it to contain a single flaw.

Dicks said “We even solved the problem of Dark Matter, which has puzzled the atheists for years. But if you watch the simulation carefully, you’ll see that right at the start of the video, it’s really, really, really dark.

“Good, eh?”

The simulation begins with an

April 17, 2014

My Christianity, by David Cameron

by philapilus

As Easter approaches I thought it might be appropriate to share with you some of the lessons that Christianity has taught me personally, and which help guide my decisions as Prime Minister.

Favoured significantly lowering the top rate of taxation and abolishing inheritance tax completely

Jesus was a figure of great courage and empathy. Even though he was the Son of God, he spent his life helping the poor, living amongst the working classes, and striving to improve the lot of the common man.

He whipped greedy bankers, and berated the powerful, whilst teaching us all to treat foreigners as brothers, welcoming them into our home, regardless of race or creed.

Looking back over what my coalition government has achieved, I think it would be immodest to say that I am as good as Jesus exactly, but I

April 17, 2014

Easter holidays to be frittered away

by philapilus

Experts said this morning that you are going to completely waste your Easter break, despite your good intentions.

“Ideal for self-improvement!” said no one, ever.

Plans to read mind-improving books, learn a language, play that instrument which is gathering dust in a cupboard, or even just to occasionally open the door and go outside for a minute, are all doomed to fail.

Holiday-wastage analyst, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Your ambitious plans are ridiculous. You should give up on them.

“You aren’t going to spend

March 22, 2014

First impressions of Hell, by Fred Phelps

by philapilus

In yet another exclusive scoop, TMB brings you the first musings on the afterlife of late Westboro Baptist Church pastor, Fred Phelps:

Well, first I thought “Goddamnit, if there ain’t been some kinda disgraceful mistake! Here I am in the wrong Goddamn afterlife!”

Then it hit me; obviously I was such a faithful servant of God, He’s sent me down here for three days, like He did Jesus when he come off the cross. Yessir, just like Jesus came down to kick the crap outta the sinners before being resurrerectered, so ol’ Fred’s gotta do the same.

Anyway, I’m at this big pearly gate, and this goddamn faggot says to me, “Welcome beloved brother” and tries to give me a hug! I says “Get your filthy homosexual hands off

March 18, 2014

Cosmic inflation ‘clinching proof’ of creationism

by philapilus
File:PSR B1509-58 full.jpg

“See? He’s waving”

After scientists claimed to have discovered evidence of the exponential ‘Cosmic inflation’ of space following the Big Bang, Christians have explained that this is in fact final proof of the existence of God.

Reverend-Professor Randy Bumfukowizc said “The so-called gravitational effects on ‘old light’, the Cosmic Microwave Background, are being touted as evidence of some sort of bogus theory of expansion.

“But what the BICEP2 team refuses to acknowledge, is that if you look at the images retrieved from the South Pole telescope, slightly unfocus your eyes, and pray for revelation, you actually begin to see something extraordinary.

“The

March 4, 2014

“Fuck this” says Pope

by philapilus

“Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck what you stick on your todger?”

Pope Francis issued a statement today, explaining that he definitely had not accidentally uttered a swear-word during Sunday’s blessing.

“People say: ‘What a funny slip of the tongue’ or ‘Even the Pope makes mistakes!’, ” said Pope Francis, “but that’s bullshit. I didn’t make a mistake. I am just totally sick of this fucking job.

“I mean, Christ – and that’s not a prayer – what the hell was I thinking? All this kneeling and blessing and

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