Archive for ‘Religion’

April 17, 2014

My Christianity, by David Cameron

by philapilus

As Easter approaches I thought it might be appropriate to share with you some of the lessons that Christianity has taught me personally, and which help guide my decisions as Prime Minister.

Favoured significantly lowering the top rate of taxation and abolishing inheritance tax completely

Jesus was a figure of great courage and empathy. Even though he was the Son of God, he spent his life helping the poor, living amongst the working classes, and striving to improve the lot of the common man.

He whipped greedy bankers, and berated the powerful, whilst teaching us all to treat foreigners as brothers, welcoming them into our home, regardless of race or creed.

Looking back over what my coalition government has achieved, I think it would be immodest to say that I am as good as Jesus exactly, but I

April 17, 2014

Easter holidays to be frittered away

by philapilus

Experts said this morning that you are going to completely waste your Easter break, despite your good intentions.

“Ideal for self-improvement!” said no one, ever.

Plans to read mind-improving books, learn a language, play that instrument which is gathering dust in a cupboard, or even just to occasionally open the door and go outside for a minute, are all doomed to fail.

Holiday-wastage analyst, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Your ambitious plans are ridiculous. You should give up on them.

“You aren’t going to spend

March 22, 2014

First impressions of Hell, by Fred Phelps

by philapilus

In yet another exclusive scoop, TMB brings you the first musings on the afterlife of late Westboro Baptist Church pastor, Fred Phelps:

Well, first I thought “Goddamnit, if there ain’t been some kinda disgraceful mistake! Here I am in the wrong Goddamn afterlife!”

Then it hit me; obviously I was such a faithful servant of God, He’s sent me down here for three days, like He did Jesus when he come off the cross. Yessir, just like Jesus came down to kick the crap outta the sinners before being resurrerectered, so ol’ Fred’s gotta do the same.

Anyway, I’m at this big pearly gate, and this goddamn faggot says to me, “Welcome beloved brother” and tries to give me a hug! I says “Get your filthy homosexual hands off

March 18, 2014

Cosmic inflation ‘clinching proof’ of creationism

by philapilus
File:PSR B1509-58 full.jpg

“See? He’s waving”

After scientists claimed to have discovered evidence of the exponential ‘Cosmic inflation’ of space following the Big Bang, Christians have explained that this is in fact final proof of the existence of God.

Reverend-Professor Randy Bumfukowizc said “The so-called gravitational effects on ‘old light’, the Cosmic Microwave Background, are being touted as evidence of some sort of bogus theory of expansion.

“But what the BICEP2 team refuses to acknowledge, is that if you look at the images retrieved from the South Pole telescope, slightly unfocus your eyes, and pray for revelation, you actually begin to see something extraordinary.

“The

March 4, 2014

“Fuck this” says Pope

by philapilus

“Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck what you stick on your todger?”

Pope Francis issued a statement today, explaining that he definitely had not accidentally uttered a swear-word during Sunday’s blessing.

“People say: ‘What a funny slip of the tongue’ or ‘Even the Pope makes mistakes!’, ” said Pope Francis, “but that’s bullshit. I didn’t make a mistake. I am just totally sick of this fucking job.

“I mean, Christ – and that’s not a prayer – what the hell was I thinking? All this kneeling and blessing and

February 25, 2014

Arizona to become “1950s World” theme park

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/George_Takei_Sulu_Star_Trek.JPG

“In the 1950s they’d NEVER have sunk so low as to let a Goddamn Jap pilot a spaceship”

The State of Arizona is set to become the world’s biggest tourist attraction, under ambitious plans that will see the clocks turned back to the mid-20th century.

All that is needed is for Governor Jan Brewer to sign a bill, SB 1062, into law which will allow business owners to refuse service to gay people, and the process of setting up the statewide theme park will be complete.

Randy Jerkoff, Director of the ’1950s World’ initiative, said “Everyone loves the 1950s. China was weak, cars were brilliant, women wore dresses, young people had proper-length hair, and there wasn’t so much as a whiff of a single hippie, let alone the godawful social revolutions to come.

“Well from now on, when you come to Arizona, you

February 16, 2014

Britain thanks gays for day of celibacy

by philapilus

“Right now, somewhere in Britain, men are doing things to each other that would make your dad feel very, very uncomfortable”

After an unprecedented Sunday in which areas of the country saw blue sky – and occasionally even the sun – the UK has offered thanks to the gay community, who have presumably abstained from having sex all day.

UKIP homosexual weather spokesman, Martin Vinegarsole, said “The last few weeks of Biblical-style destruction have proved that God finds the bum-bandits every bit as annoying as stepping on a piece of LEGO in the dark.

“But today has been dry, sunny, and the neck-high water covering everything has had a lukewarm feel to it, which means that obviously the gays have managed to keep their willies to themselves for a change! Let’s just hope

February 10, 2014

Taliban captures budgie

by philapilus

‘Terrified’

After releasing a video last week showing what they claimed was an imprisoned British military dog, the Taliban says it has now captured an RAF budgerigar.

Taliban footage shows the bird, allegedly kidnapped during a night raid,  imprisoned in a makeshift container – an upturned colander glued to a plastic Disney Princesses party plate – and appearing to be in considerable distress.

A masked Taliban fighter then speaks, saying “Victorious Mujahideen once again triumph over you! We have warrior-budgie, and we keep where you never find it, and not necessarily in cave this time!

“We will execute your infidel bird , then wrap  corpse in  American flag, douse with petrol and

January 30, 2014

Confirmation that people who confirm demon possessions are confirmed morons

by philapilus

Many terrified Americans believe this to be clinching photographic proof of the devil’s existence

It was confirmed today that religious specialists and medical staff who confirm that children are possessed by demons, are not only incredible morons, but are also possessed by moron spirits.

The Association of Americans Who Aren’t Fuckwits warned of “mass moronacy”, after Indiana Police Captain, Billy-Bob Bucktooth, said that the only possible explanation for some children behaving strangely was ‘demon possession’.

Captain Bucktooth announced at a press conference yesterday “We’m saw them there chillun an’ they was

January 28, 2014

Pope relaunches himself as the ‘Ozzy Osbourne of religion’

by philapilus

Remarkably similar to the current gesture of benediction

Pope Francis has said he was ‘delighted’ with the success of a performance earlier this week, in which he flung two helpless white doves into the path of a maddened crow and seagull.

The congregation massed in St Peter’s square were visibly shocked when the Holy Father arrived at his window, thrashing out power chords on a black Gibson SG.

Moments later he hurled the birds from the window, screaming in bloodcurdling tones “Dark Master, accept this

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