Archive for ‘Local Government’

March 4, 2014

“Some of our best friends wear bin bags!” protest Tories

by philapilus

“If they’re allowed to dress like bloody bin liners, why can’t we bloody well point that out?” said senior Tories, who really shouldn’t be allowed out unsupervised.

A Conservative spokesman has expressed outrage that the party was forced to expel a councillor “simply because he compared children in burkas to bin-bags.”

Sir Arthur Theremin said it was “Political correctness gone even madder than normal mad” after councillor Chris Joannides was given a 12 month expulsion, for making the derisory comments on an image he had posted on Facebook.

Theremin said “If we can’t make a perfectly rational observation, that darkie children in burkas look like rather full bin bags – which, by the way, anyone with eyes in their head could

February 5, 2014

Joyful London declares ‘Bob Crow for Mayor’

by philapilus

‘You utter bastards’

Many Londoners were ecstatic this morning in their support for Bob Crow and striking Underground workers, and called for immediate elections, to install the rotund trade unionist as mayor.

Striking London Underground employee, Cob Brow, said “Bob is the best of us. He nestles us in his rolls of flesh like a mother hen taking chicks under her wing.

“If it wasn’t for this brilliant and meaningful strike, which will achieve all our goals in one fell swoop, we would be hurled into the indifferent maw of the BoJo monster.”

But not everyone shared this

November 21, 2013

UK ‘City of Culture’ title only open to shitholes from now on

by philapilus
Español: Samuel Beckett

With such a plethora of UK cities qualifying as contenders, is it any wonder that Beckett spent most of his life in France?

As Hull revelled in the news that it would be the UK City of Culture in 2017, other cities previously tarred with the ‘complete shithole’ tag have stepped up their campaigns to win the coveted title.

A spokesman for Scunthorpe, who was too embarrassed to give his name, said “What’s Hull got that we haven’t? They’ve only won this on the basis that a poet had to take a library job there, because poetry pays fuck-all.

“Well Samuel Beckett once gobbed on the platform of Scunthorpe station when he was on a train passing through. We’ve made a blue plaque and everything. If that’s not culture I don’t know what is.”

Similarly Bradford is

October 7, 2013

Cabinet reshuffle expected this week

by philapilus

English: More clowns at Clown School

The new line-up pose for a photo at No.10

Rumours of an anticipated cabinet reshuffle have heightened, after Chloe Smith and John Randall stepped down from their government posts on Sunday.

The two signed a joint letter of resignation, saying “Dave, you are a twat. We know you were going to axe us, so we’re off. Go fuck yourself with a splintery broom-handle.”

Although the Prime Minister has been relatively secretive about when the reshuffle will happen, a Westminster source says that the likely recipients of certain posts are “obvious really. It’s a no-brainer.” The expected changes include the following:

May 9, 2013

Tories to ‘Out-bonkers’ Ukip by bringing back Dorries

by philapilus

Nadine says the colourful voices that live in her teeth told her to rejoin

After losing ground to Ukip in last week’s county council elections, the conservative party has reinstated Nadine Dorries, in an attempt to reclaim the status of ‘party with the highest appeal to lunatics’.

Dorries was suspended from the Tory benches for taking a holiday whilst parliament was sitting, in order to appear on a reality TV show.

But as the conservatives realised they were being out-manoeuvered by the preternaturally unhinged Nigel Farage, chief whip Sir George Young said they had “No alternative but to roll out the biggest nutters we possibly can. And they don’t come more batshit-crazy than Nadine.”

Dorries has

May 2, 2013

Wanker of the Week: Nigel Farage

by philapilus
Nick Farage Interviev

“I would like to see your fanny, but failing that, please will you vote for me?”

Nominated by:

Everyone.

Nominated for:

Being Nigel Farage.

TMB would like to state that in all fairness we feel we should not reflect political biases. Therefore despite the fact that, due to voting-patterns of our readers which are beyond our control, Farage is named our ‘Wanker of the Week’, we will also provide some

May 2, 2013

Nazi Germany “Full of people pretending to be pot-plants”

by philapilus
A mass rally on Tempelhof field, 1 May 1935

This crowd were pretending to be a large garden-centre. Obviously.

A new history of the Third Reich by Nigel Farage has made the bold and novel claim that the vast majority of people in the country were swept up in a faddish craze which is only now beginning to be understood.

In Why it’s Fine to Goosestep Farage states that, contrary to the popular belief that Germany was in thrall to a bunch of racist chubnuts, the 1930s and 1940s were characterised by “A really jolly craze, in which people pretended to be pot-plants. I believe it was as widespread then as Gangnam is now. Whatever that is.”

His thesis came to light after he was able to explain that a Ukip candidate was not, in fact, making a Nazi salute in a photograph discovered online, but was imitating a pot-plant, whilst

May 2, 2013

Severe Weather Warning: Nigel Farage

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at Lord's cricket ground...

God help us all

The Met office has released a nation-wide alert today, as it emerged that Britain is facing severe amounts of Nigel Farage.

As polls opened this morning for county council elections across England, news channels warned that high levels of Nigel Farage are to be expected, which could affect voting.

Schools and businesses will remain open, but the Met Office forecasts that “Britain will be inundated with Nigel Farage by midday, with Farage continuing well into

March 21, 2013

Bradford’s Rubbish says Bradford MP

by unpseudable

Not Mr Galloway’s natural environment at all

Respect MP for Bradford West, George Galloway yesterday tabled an Early Day Motion ripping the entire city of Bradford a new one.

The carefully chosen wording of the EDM begins conventionally enough with a vociferous complaint about the excessive pay award of £178,476 to the Chief Executive of Bradford’s district council.  It then goes on to point out that Bradford “has some of the worst schools, the worst hospitals, and among the highest rates of unemployment in the country, not to mention possibly the most unattractive mingers in the whole of Yorkshire.”  Getting into his stride, he claims that there’s always a stench of urine coming from the public swimming baths, and even the drinking water “tastes a little pissy”.

Unable to let it go there, he then challenges the entire pensioner community to a fight “with or without zimmer frames, it’s all the same to me”,

March 1, 2013

Eastleigh put under quarantine

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at a conference in the G...

Sectioned since this morning

The town of Eastleigh has been blockaded and surrounded by the armed forces this morning, after the Ministry of Defence realised that its inhabitants were displaying total collective insanity.

MoD officials said the only possible conclusion after yesterday’s ‘sanity litmus-test’ was that the entire population of adult residents had been affected on a massive level by some devastatingly potent biological or chemical brain-warping agent.

Major Dick Haines-Fanshaw-Fanshaw said

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