Archive for ‘Politics’

May 5, 2015

John Major wins snooker World Championship

by philapilus

The former conservative prime minister won 18-15 in a match that went to the final session, after initially trailing Bingham. An astonishing achievement, given that Major only took up the sport five months ago.

John Virgo said this morning “I don’t think anyone could have predicted this result, but it was fully deserved. Major beat Ronnie O’Sullivan, Judd Trump and Shaun Murphy to get here, and he took Bingham apart with

May 1, 2015

‘Stumbling Ed’ pic replaces ‘Half-drowned Kinnock’ as entire basis for Tory campaign

by philapilus

STUMBLE!!! STUMBLE!!!!!!!

After Ed Miliband’s podium-step stumble on Question Time last night, gleeful Conservatives have said that their strategy for the remainder of this year’s election will be entirely based on showing photos of the stumble.

Lynton Crosby, election organiser for David Cameron and huge fan of the tobacco industry, said “This is fantastic. We don’t need to keep pretending we’re winning the economic argument, or even bother with policies. We’re just going to use the word ‘stumble’ over and over and over again on social media.

“It’ll probably still be good for milking in 2020. Just like when Neil Kinnock fell in the sea, all over again; that photo’s been

April 30, 2015

“Me daily diary-wiary!!” by Russell Brand

by philapilus

ME! MEEE! MEEEEEE!! Why do me fans fink it’s all about MEEEEEEEE?!?!?!

‘ere, you’ll never guess wot! Your ‘umble meself only went and got Ed Miliband to come on me show and ‘ave a pow-wow about all politics an’ that!

If you wanna know the really important stuff wot’s gonna change our perfidious political paradigm, look no further than me Trews, mates! But ‘eres a breakdown of it, just for all you lovelies out there.

So I was all like ‘Well, Ed, all you politicians is well greedy, taking all the wonga wot the rest of us ain’t

April 30, 2015

Farage to enlist UK Gold and Granada Television in war against BBC

by philapilus

The Beeb will rue the day it went up against a highly polished organisation like Ukip…

Ukip has said that it will completely bypass the BBC, and communicate only via TV channels embracing “traditional British values”, for the remainder of its election campaign.

The party announced its war on the BBC after Nigel Farage took offence at a dig made against him on its flagship satirical show, Have I got News For You.

Ukip spokeswoman, Gina Flange, said “I think it’s disgraceful that a BBC documentary programme

April 30, 2015

Wanker of the Week: Danny Alexander

by philapilus

Nominated by:

Albert Einstein

Nominated for:

“Vote for us if you don’t want the Tories to get in again, but you don’t mind us helping them get in again!”

Danny has today attempted to launch an offensive against his coalition partners, with all the acumen of a five year old telling tales in school. Basically he’s waving around a piece of paper from 3 years ago,which he says he’s only just found, and which proves definitively that the Conservatives are massive bastards who are

April 27, 2015

John Major wins 2015 London Marathon

by philapilus

Major said to journalists this morning he’d had so much fun on Sunday that he was not ruling out competing in marathons all around the world.

Sir John Major said he was “Surprised but delighted” after finishing the London Marathon in world record time, streets ahead of the competition.

The ex-Prime Minister’s time of 1:58:59 smashed previous records, making him the first person to run a sub-2 hours marathon – and with a whole minute to spare.

Runner-up Eliud Kipchoga’s 2:04:42 looked positively pedestrian by comparison. The Kenyan runner said

April 22, 2015

New Zealand PM told ‘pulling hair isn’t foreplay’

by philapilus

“Sorry, sorry; tell me again, last time I promise. It’s just really hard to remember. Does no mean yes, or does yes mean no?”

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, has been sternly reminded today that he isn’t 9 years old, and asked to refrain from pulling the hair of girls he fancies.

Key has had to formally apologise to a waitress whose ponytail he has been habitually pulling for months. Witnesses said however that his contrition was slightly ruined by his subsequent request to grope the waitress’s boobs, by way of making it up to her.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said “Mr Key does not consider a bit of light ponytail-tugging to be abusive, any more than a quick slap on the bum would be. It’s

April 17, 2015

Miliband disappointed after lesbian threesome fails to happen

by philapilus
Group hug

“Can I join in?”

Ed Miliband said he was devastated this morning, after the televised group hug between Nicola Sturgeon, Nathalie Bennett, and the Welsh one, failed to turn into something more erotic.

The all-female cuddle, which took place at the end of the broadcast election debate, was, said Miliband “One of the most exciting moments of my life since becoming an MP, and also one of the most disappointing.”

The Labour leader confessed “I really hoped there might be some kissing, and then maybe one of them would get out the body lotion, and

April 17, 2015

Farage attacks BBC audience “composed entirely of time-travelling Leninists”

by philapilus

“Karl Marx is in my kitchen cupboard!

Nigel Farage has blamed the BBC for audience hostility during last night’s TV debate, claiming that the corporation had filled the seats with time-travellers from the Bolshevik USSR.

During a tirade aimed at one of his thumbs, Farage broke away to castigate the BBC and everyone in the room, saying “I’ve never seen so many Russian revolutionaries in my life! You’re all from that film with the baby carriage and the stairs, and you all want to eat my leg!”

Although David Dimbleby attempted to explain to him the process by which audiences are chosen, Farage ignored him, and shouted that he was “Having none of this darkie-loving pinko lingo” before climbing onto his lectern, and defecating noisily into his cupped hands.

The Ukip leader then

April 15, 2015

Cameron pledges Good Life DVDs for everyone

by philapilus

A Conservative favourite, the Good Life featured a rich couple, and the peasants next door who lived off roots from the garden.

David Cameron has promised that a Conservative government will ensure everyone in the UK receives a cheap knock-off copy of three Good Life episodes, in one of those cardboard sleeves like you get free in the Daily Mail.

The Prime Minister said “In these times of austerity we will of course stick to the long term economic plan, of encouraging you all to bend over and assume the position. But I want the Good Life for each and every one of you. On DVD, which is cheaper and more realistic than actually providing a genuinely reasonable existence.

“We’re not giving you all of them, obviously; that would be extravagant. But you can have, oh I don’t know, maybe three episodes? Maybe the first one, and the one where they’re fighting over the windbreaker. Oh, and the Christmas one, where they all get drunk, and Tom and Jerry try and seduce each others’ wives.

“Just like when

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