Archive for ‘Politics’

October 20, 2014

Government to crack down on crazy hormonal mums

by philapilus

‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’

The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.

The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.

The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to

October 13, 2014

Osborne offering Eurostar to Cash Converters

by philapilus

Honestly Chancellor, me old mate; £255 is a fair price, and you won’t find anyone willing to offer more on a quick turnaround…”

George Osborne has instructed the Treasury to ask Cash Converters if they would be interested in taking the Eurostar off his hands.

The Chancellor announced this morning that he wants to try and cash-in the UK’s 40% of shares in the lucrative high-speed rail-link “For a quick fistful of folding money, to get the loansharks off my back. Know what I mean?”

The government’s plan to asset-strip the public

October 10, 2014

Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has

October 10, 2014

N Korea says leader has invented invisibility cloak

by philapilus

Official state media released this picture of “the Supreme Leader hard at work”, on what is thought to be the country’s only computer

After a period of several weeks during which Kim Jong-un has been noticeably absent, Pyongyang has ended speculation as to his whereabouts by revealing the exciting news that the Supreme Leader has succeeded in achieving invisibility.

The capacity to completely disappear, long a feature of myth, fantasy and legend, became a scientific project in

October 9, 2014

GBBO win for ex-PM Major

by philapilus

The judges singled out Major’s ‘Maastricht Muffins’ as one of this year’s highlights

Sir John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” after his victory in yesterday’s final of the 2014 Great British Bake Off.

Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood agreed that the former Conservative prime minister had been “Ahead of the competition from the start.

“His technique and

October 6, 2014

Lib Dems hold farewell conference

by philapilus

“I’m going to tell everyone I’ve done five years of bird, for attacking children in a playground. Which would actually have been preferable.”

The Liberal Democrats are holding the final conference of the season – and the last ever conference for their party.

MPs, delegates, and activists are gathered in Glasgow for one last work mini-break, which will feature valedictory speeches, a bittersweet farewell drinks party, and advice on jobseeking.

Going into the 2015 general election under the slogan ‘Bye Everyone; We’re Sorry’, the Lib Dems agreed a motion on

September 30, 2014

An Open Letter to the Conservatives, by Nigel Farage

by philapilus

Lemon rhymes with bus! When I don’t wipe properly after a poo my botty gets sore, and I have to have Vassasseline on it

TMB is proud to present yet another exclusive scoop. In the wake of several high-profile Tory defections to Ukip,  Nigel Farage has written an open letter to the Conservative party, inviting them to throw off their shackles and join him – a letter only we have been given permission to print!

Dear Conservatories

This is for those of you who don’t want to end up speaking Czechoslavakian and answering to an EU-installed puppet chieftain called Adolf Lenin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once I found a spoon. It was partially buried in a garden, and there were nettles and I stung my tongue and the inside of my eyelid trying to

September 29, 2014

Boris lambastes “Tory nutters for joining Ukip nutters”

by philapilus

The very Reckless Mr Mark Stupid MP

In the run-up to his headline performance at this year’s Conservative Party conference, Boris Johnson has attacked Tory defectors for being “Nuts. But, er…not in, you know, the good way.”

The rockstar-politician and occasional Mayor of London said that traitors Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless “Should be, well, should probably

September 24, 2014

Cameron and Queen in alleged ‘dirty phonecall’ scandal

by philapilus

“Phwooar! Don’t stop, ma’am, don’t stop…”

David Cameron’s office has rejected calls for him to apologise to the Queen, after footage emerged of him allegedly describing a dirty phonecall with the monarch.

The Prime Minister was caught on film telling ex-New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, “Yeah, Liz was purring like a cat, breathing heavy – the works. Then she started describing how she was going to town on herself, real dirty, nasty shit. And that’s when I messed my pants.

“It was just

September 23, 2014

Miliband: “I can fix Britain by 2025, if you all just go away and count to a billion”

by philapilus

“Keep your eyes shut… no peeking, or you’ll spoil it!”

Ed Miliband wowed the Labour conference today, with a closing speech ambitiously pledging to fix absolutely everything in the UK in 10 years – provided everyone just goes away until he’s finished.

The leader of the opposition told party members “This is NOT another slogan. ‘Britain 2025′ is a real, tangible thing.

“I PROMISE you, hand on heart, that if elected I will definitely fix this broken country in a decade. Only thing is, it’s sort of like a magic trick; I have to do it secretly. If you’re all watching and scrutinising me, it won’t work. Kind of like

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