Archive for ‘Politics’

November 26, 2014

Labour’s Grayson Perry bags “for collecting tears of disappointment”

by philapilus

Ukip’s has been designed to reflect their core values and policy… but is it art?

The limited edition bags Grayson Perry has designed for the Labour party have a special waterproof lining, for catching the tears of their supporters after the election defeat next year.

Perry, whose design has been lauded as ‘Fucking terrible’ by almost everyone, said “Is it a lion? Is it a pig? You don’t know. And I don’t know. I can’t draw either of them, so it’s somewhere in between.

“But that’s what makes it art.”

Labour have for almost two weeks been giving

November 26, 2014

All Tory MPs “initially trained as cabbies”

by philapilus

“You can get in if you like, but I’m not going South of the bloody river this time of night”

It has emerged that before entering Parliament all prospective Conservative candidates are required to spend at least a year working as taxi drivers.

After cabbies complained about the rudeness of former Cabinet Minister, David Mellor, Conservative HQ retorted that Mellor was “A master of the Hackney Carriage” and knew London “Like the back of his hand.”

Mellor was secretly recorded at the weekend, shouting at a taxi-driver that he could 

November 24, 2014

“Them Labour lot are a bunch of posh wankers, guv’nor” say Tories

by philapilus

“Personally I have a whole fleet of them” said George Osborne “So you can see I’m bona fide proletariat”

David Cameron said today that “Labour are a right load of lah-de-dah rich kids who ain’t never done a hard day’s work in their life.”

The Prime Minister was just one of the numerous working class people, who have been outraged by the prejudice imputed to Emily Thornberry, after a stupendously idiotic Twitter post last week.

Leaning out of the window of his white Ford Transit, Cameron said “Serious guv'; them posh twats ain’t gotta clue about the ordinary common man, and this is why so many of my fellow white van men are gettin

November 18, 2014

Miliband nearly defeats small child in debate

by philapilus

In what has become a very unhealthy pattern, Ed once again tried to overcome his misery by comfort-eating until he threw up

After what Ed Miliband’s supporters called his “completely unfair ambush” at the hands of political heavyweight, Myleene Klass, the leader of the opposition rallied this morning, and performed incredibly well in an argument with a 10 year old.

Miliband was seen leaving the ITV studios in tears yesterday, where Klass had destroyed him on The Agenda programme with questions like “Are you sure you’ve thought this Mansion Tax through?” and “Don’t you have any other plans?”

But this morning Miliband was not so easily cowed by pupil Samantha Furcup, age 10, who said to

November 12, 2014

Hunt: “Donut burger will keep the statistics favourable”

by philapilus

It’s just possible that this isn’t a good idea

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has come out in support of the controversial Double Donut burger, saying that it will “Be the most significant easing of pressure on the NHS since Mrs Thatcher’s plan to thin out the poor.”

The burger, advertised as ‘containing enough calories in one bite to kill a badger’, has been met with criticism by various health experts, but has been praised by that sizeable proportion of the British public that is too fat to put food into its own mouth without help.

Mr Hunt said “Our well-being, as a

November 11, 2014

Cameron scores major EU victory, demanding legislation already in place

by philapilus

“And another thing; we demand that all of Europe apart from us adopt a common currency and call it, I dunno, ‘the Euro’, or something.”

The Conservatives are claiming credit for putting pressure on Europe today, after a thing they have been pushing for turned out to be already covered under current laws.

David Cameron said that an EU Court ruling, that member states can refuse financial aid to so-called benefit tourists,  “Supports not only my opinion, but the whole thinking of the Conservative party in general.

“I am glad they have finally bowed to British pressure, my requests, and decent common sense, in introducing this legal right, several years before I demanded they do so.”

But some critics suggest

November 10, 2014

Catatonia: We will not be cowed by Spain

by philapilus

“All we want is freedom from Spain, Yaki Da!”

In an unofficial poll, Welsh indie rock band Catatonia have voted overwhelmingly for independence from Spain.

Breathy-voiced lead singer Cerys Matthews said “That’s popular opinion, see? There’s lovely int it? It’s about time Spain let us go, see? We’ll do very well without them, so we will.”

The independence ballot was an act of defiance, after a ruling by the Spanish constitutional court refused to allow a referendum on autonomy for the famous ’90s britpop act.

The Spanish

November 7, 2014

Absolutely no one challenging Miliband for ‘unwanted’ leadership

by philapilus

Gold-plated job security: when literally everyone else would rather die than take over from you

Labour rebels denied attempts to overthrow Ed Miliband today, adding that no matter how dissatisfied they were with him, they couldn’t find a single person willing to take over and lead the Labour party into catastrophic general election defeat next year.

Rebel Wedge Antilles, MP for Little Chittface in Hampshire, said “Well, there has been a fair bit of sniping about Ed behind his back. There’s been clandestine meetings where everyone is trying to make out that they’re planning leadership challenges, and so forth, mostly out of bravado.

“But actually we haven’t found a single person who will go through with it and usurp Ed’s place. It’s a shit job, and

November 6, 2014

Dismay after Brand not amongst ‘Guy Fawkes’ Protest arrests

by philapilus

“Viva la Changey-wangey! Up the Reds! Four legs good two legs bad! Bow down for I am your God! All that kinda stuff, orwight??”

Organisers of the so-called ‘Guy Fawkes’ protest in central London yesterday expressed their bitter disappointment that self-styled revolutionary Russell Brand was not amongst those arrested by the police.

Anonymous’s spokesperson said that although they were attempting to dismantle the capitalist state, and naturally loathed the totalitarian-supporting police force, Brand was amongst those they were “really fucking hoping would get thrown into a cell yesterday.”

Russell Brand was one of several celebrities taking part in the Million Masks March, where

November 6, 2014

AC/DC drummer not charged with child abuse

by philapilus

There was widespread shock this morning after an ageing male celebrity was arrested on suspicion of a crime not in any way related to the abuse of children.

Phil Rudd, drummer of the famous heavy rock outfit, AC/DC, has been charged with attempting to arrange a murder and drug offences, but appears to have no connection whatsoever to child sex crimes.

New Zealand police, who arrested Mr Rudd this morning, said “Astonishingly we have no grounds on which to

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