Archive for ‘Politics’

March 30, 2015

Katie Hopkins joins Labour campaign with pledge to leave UK

by philapilus

Hopkins is the only female journalist whose existence was prophesied in the Book of Revelation: “Yea, and forth shall come a right bitch who will be unto you as a shard of broken glass through thine eyeballs, and a grating noise of horror in thine ears. And ye shall despair.”

Official Mouthpiece of Satan, Katie Hopkins, has unexpectedly joined forces with Ed Miliband, promising the UK that she will “fuck off forever and leave you all alone, if you promise to vote for Labour”.

Taking to Twitter, the professional harridan said “I guarantee that if Ed becomes PM I will leave this country and never come back. I might even get a surgeon to fuse my jaws together and cut off my typing finger, if you’re lucky.”

Labour spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “When Katie’s agent told us she

March 24, 2015

Cameron: ‘I can’t afford to stay in low-paid job for 10 more years’

by philapilus

‘But…but…you *can’t* go! We’ll miss you so much!’ said no one

David Cameron shocked pundits yesterday by announcing he would definitely not be standing for a third term as Prime Minister.

In an interview with the BBC, the PM said “Britain is fixed now. There’s no inflation at all! The 150 people who have actually still got any money will be delighted! I really don’t need to stay around now that I have made everything brilliant.

“Also, if I’m honest I’ve done this shitty minimum-wage work for five years already, and I want to move onto the big league and earn some serious

March 23, 2015

LGBT activists join Ukip after meeting Farage at pub

by philapilus

‘Beetles in my teeth taught me how to breathe’

A group of LGBT rights campaigners, who targeted Nigel Farage by staging a protest at his local pub, have said the encounter led them to convert to Ukip en masse.

The carnivalesque demonstration, involving protestors in fancy dress lampooning UKip’s perceived targeting of minority groups, ended up benefitting from one of Farage’s impromptu speeches, and soon came to see his point of view.

Protest organiser, Tim Twanks, said “We really thought we’d have him on the ropes. I was dressed in a big pink girl’s dress with a plastic baby strapped to my bared fake boob. But after listening to Nigel for a few minutes, I realised how

March 12, 2015

Cameron-Miliband PMQs exchange voted ‘best ever’

by philapilus

A panel of experts has said that Wednesday’s argument between the prime minister and the leader of the opposition was “the greatest ever display of political debate, rhetoric and intellectual acumen this country has seen.”

The exchange which took place during this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions, involved David Cameron and Ed Miliband cerebrally trading blows over the proposals for the televised pre-election debates.

Miliband began with a well-rehearsed flourish, asking “Mr Speaker, is the Prime Minister aware that he is feeble, ugly, and a big girly coward?”

But Cameron was

March 5, 2015

Miliband going round saying he ‘could totally have’ Cameron

by philapilus

“I could basically be in UFC”

Ed Miliband has been walking round like a puffed-up pigeon and asking girls if they want to feel his biceps, after David Cameron today ruled out taking him on in a one-on-one.

The Labour leader said “Dave is well-scared. I was all like ‘Come on then; let’s have it!’, and he was all like ‘Um…oh…I’m not free that day, um…I’ve got a note from my mum… please don’t hurt me!’

“It’s cos he knows how well hard I am. Do you want to

February 24, 2015

Malcolm Rifkind’s diary

by philapilus

“What’s a salary?”

23/2/2015

9:15

Sat down to breakfast, papers say Jack Straw’s got himself into hot water; seems he offered to accept cash for questions! Haha! Idiot!

9:30

Finished my egg, looked a bit more closely at article and noticed they’re accusing me too! That bloody Chink firm I spoke with; I knew something didn’t add up when the representative’s fake nose fell off. Well, if the

February 24, 2015

Natalie Bennett wins private bet for longest ever “Errrrm”

by philapilus
File:Natalie Bennett.jpg

There was a worrying moment halfway through when it seemed the sound might mutate into an ‘ummmm’, but she pulled it back marvellously.

The leader of the Green Party was jubilant today, after winning a jackpot of £15.37 for using the word “Erm” continuously for almost ten minutes.

Natalie Bennett was interviewed by Nick Ferrari for LBC Radio, and when asked how the Greens would fund their promised 500,000 new homes, Bennett launched into an epic “Errrrrrrrrrrrrm…” that Ferrari was powerless to interrupt.

Bennett explained after the interview “Caroline Lucas and Amelia Womack bet me all the change they had in their pockets that I wasn’t brave enough to do it. They were

February 19, 2015

Boris to be even more British

by unpseudable

Boris’ inability to whistle the Star-Spangled Banner reveals where his loyalties lie

With the news this week that Boris Johnson plans to approach the US ambassador with the intention of relinquishing his American citizenship, reports are coming in that Matthew Barzun, the ambassador himself, has beaten the capital’s mayor to it.

Barzun yesterday announced that he would contact Johnson personally to fast-track his application.  “I only just heard about this to be honest.  I tend to ignore pretty much everything Boris says as a matter of course, obviously, but eventually an aide brought it to my attention.  Apparently he believes the process to be unnecessarily laborious – that we just don’t make it easy enough.  Well, that won’t do.  I’m going to contact the mayor this very instant and guide him through the business.  We could get rid of- get it resolved by the end of the week.”

Johnson made a statement

February 13, 2015

Aston Villa appoint John Major to replace Lambert

by philapilus
File:Major00.jpg

Chillaxing after scoring the winning goal in the 2014 World Cup final

Former Tory Prime Minister Sir John Major said today he was “surprised but excited”, after Aston Villa invited him to take over as their new manager.


Villa made the decision to drop current manager Paul Lambert, after going ten games without a win, losing a friendly to the Taplow Women’s Insitute team, and dropping into the premier league’s relegation zone.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for the ailing club, said “Some people think our embarrassing string of losses should be blamed on the chaps who run around on the pitch for forty-five minutes, sit down for a bit, and then run around for another forty-five minutes. They are, after all, the ones kicking – and occasionally headbutting – the round thing.

February 10, 2015

Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to

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