Archive for ‘Politics’

July 16, 2014

TMB’s guide to the cabinet reshuffle

by philapilus
File:NYA typing class.gif

The female members of the reshuffled cabinet settle in to their new roles

The Prime Minister’s reshuffle of his cabinet yesterday saw some MPs promoted, some demoted, and some thrown into the Thames with concrete shoes on. Cameron has finished choosing the team that he hopes will take him to victory in the 2015 general election, but while the new cabinet limbers up for battle, here’s our analysis of the recent arrivals and the

July 15, 2014

Gove’s new role as blackboard monitor “not a demotion” says PM

by philapilus

Michael was escorted off the premises today, and delivered to his new office, in a broom cupboard in Watford

David Cameron’s office insisted today that the reassigment of Michael Gove, from Education Secretary to ‘chief whip, blackboard monitor and photocopier paper fetcher’, is “not even slightly a demotion. Not even a teeny-weenie bit.”

A spokesperson said that “Michael has been doing some really brilliant work over at Education. He managed the unprecedented feat of uniting opinion amongst all the various education stakeholders in the UK. Teachers, heads, Ofsted, PTAs, pupil focus groups – have all joined in universal agreement for the first time ever.

“And that is, I think, an astonishing achievement, even if they are only, in fact, united by a common loathing of Michael.”

Gove, who was affectionately

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in

July 7, 2014

Inquiry into child sex abuse exonerates all past and present MPs

by philapilus

“Probably not that much point actually writing it down, really”

The widely-anticipated inquiry into historical allegations of child sex abuse has found “No evidence of wrongdoing by anyone in public office”, despite not having officially started yet.

The inquiry, which is expected to investigate claims of a paedophile ring in Westminster, and the disappearance of relevant documents passed to the Home Office, was to be announced this afternoon by Theresa May.

But even though as yet it has no chairperson, agenda, or even a defined field of questioning, the Inquiry has produced a 17,000 page dcoument, the Daz Report, completely exonerating everyone.

Government spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “This

July 3, 2014

Shock revelation:”NHS spends lots of money on sick people”

by philapilus

“If we get all the patients out, these mattresses will be excellent for stuffing cash in” said one MP

The Health Select Committee has made the remarkable discovery that people with long-term illnesses who require hospital treatment over extended periods of time, “tend to cost the NHS more than those who pop into casualty with a sprained wrist.”

The cross-party group has been investigating the impact of shifting patients requiring long-term care from hospitals to community services which haven’t yet been set up.

The Committee said that “70% of the NHS budget is spent on the 30% of people who keep coming back to hospital, because they haven’t got better from the thing that they aren’t going to get better from because it isn’t

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

June 30, 2014

Cameron: ‘Man who disagrees with me is worst possible thing for Europe’

by philapilus

 

Representing the UK like a BOSS

Representing the UK like a BOSS

David Cameron said today that the appointment of Jean-Claude Juncker “is the worst thing to hit Europe since Nazism, and may even be as bad as the Status Quo tour of 1988″.

The Prime Minister rang Juncker this afternoon to congratulate him, but immediately afterwards called a press conference in which he ranted for fifteen minutes about how the European Commission president-designate was “A gaylord, and wanker of the highest order”.

He went on to compare Juncker to the Black Death, Nazism, and

June 19, 2014

MPs delighted as man who asked difficult questions retires

by philapilus

big nasty man with clever brain has to go away now

Politicians breathed a sigh of relief yesterday, after Jeremy Paxman presented Newsnight for the last time ever.

Many MPs heralded “A new dawn” and “A golden age for politics”, and enthused over the possibilities of giving interviews in which they will no longer have to say anything they don’t want to.

Michael Howard, who famously tussled with the presenter over a refusal to answer a question which threatened to reveal what a

June 19, 2014

Shock as conservative paper suggests Cameron is better than Miliband

by philapilus

“Even the alphabet is against him, with these ethereal floating letters standing for ‘Conservatives’ll beat ‘im’!” said the Times newspaper

The world of politics was rocked to its very core this morning, after the right-leaning Times newspaper announced that they reckoned the left-leaning leader of the Labour party wouldn’t cut it as Prime Minister.

The Times said that research indicated 53% of people thought ‘Red Ed’ was “a huge twat”, with a further 11% reckoning him to be “a big gaylord”.

Only 23% of people said they would vote for Miliband, according to the Times’ surveys, although the paper stresses “All of those 23% had mental health problems.”

A Times spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “The

June 13, 2014

Tony Blair: ‘Iraq civil war will vindicate our actions’

by philapilus

We might as well just go over there again; third time lucky and all that

Tony Blair said today that the escalating disaster in Iraq has definitively vindicated “that whole thing a couple of years back where we rode in and saved the day, and then everything was fine.”

After Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani called upon Shia Muslims to fight back against the Sunni insurgency, the former Prime Minister said that a civil war would be “the truest demonstration of democracy possible.”

Blair said “Look, it’s like this; I know what you’re all thinking – ‘maybe that invasion wasn’t the absolutely greatest idea in human history after all’.

“But I want you to rest easy, and have a clear

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