Archive for ‘Politics’

December 8, 2014

Tory MPs ordered to play Candy Crush

by philapilus

Hours of fun for Hurd and Whitelaw

It has emerged that MP Nigel Mills, who was caught playing Candy Crush Saga during a committee session, was simply obeying party instructions.

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps confirmed he had told Mr Mills to play Candy Crush throughout the Work and Pensions hearing “to keep him from doing any real damage.”

Nigel Mills said “I have been told to spend all my Commons sessions either playing games on my phone, nodding off, or

December 8, 2014

DfT: “UK road system ruined by immigration”

by philapilus

Bloody Bulgarians

The Department for Transport has issued nationwide warnings today, after it was revealed that Britain’s entire road system is close to collapse.

The DfT cites mass immigration as the major cause of congestion, with a recent influx of East Europeans causing particular havoc on motorways M1 through M9.

Foreigners jabbering away in their own lingo has brought the M25 to a standstill, whilst the M602 has completely disappeared near Salford because less than 50% of Londoners are listed as white British.

Observers say

December 5, 2014

Farage: “Burkhas for breastfeeding mums”

by philapilus

Nigel Farage has once again courted controversy, after suggesting that breastfeeding mums should sit in a corner

“with a veil completely covering their baby, their upper body, and preferably their own face, so that men don’t

feel uncomfortable.”

Speaking on radio the UKIP leader said “Breasts are unnatural. No one should have to look at them. They aren’t like boobs, you see. Boobs are

December 3, 2014

Osborne uses c-word 57 times in Autumn statement

by philapilus

 

Osborne finally broke the long-standing record of Margaret Bondfield, the first female cabinet minister in British history, who in 1930 called Stanley Baldwin a cunt 43 times in one sitting.

George Osborne made his mark on British political history today, after using the word ‘cunt’ 57 times in one sitting – more than any other government minister in history.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer made use of his last Autumn statement before the General Election to single out members of the opposition who  he deemed “particularly worthy of being called cunts”.

Osborne began his speech by saying “Mr Speaker, there are some utter cunts sitting over there.

“The right honourable leader of the opposition is a cunt. The right honourable

December 2, 2014

Blair’s Christmas grimace was ‘deal with Cherie’

by philapilus

Last year Tony circumvented the ‘Cherie problem’ completely, with a Christmas card showing himself and George Bush. This was the ‘least sensuous’ image from the day’s shoot.

 

It has emerged that the psychotic grimace Tony Blair is sporting on his 2014 Christmas card was part of an agreement the former Prime Minister made with his wife.

A source close to the Blairs said “Tony agreed that this year he would be the one contorting his face into a horrifying rictus, to take the pressure off Cherie, whose – for want of a better word – ‘smile’ has been mocked for years.

“In return Cherie agreed to wear a bag over her head whilst

November 28, 2014

Ukip: ‘Immigration not as big a deal as we thought’

by philapilus

Not a minaret

Ukip admitted today that they had vastly overestimated the extent of the “infiltration of other cultures”, after it transpired that 82% of all things they had thought were mosques weren’t.

A spokesman said “Turns out Westminster Cathedral isn’t a mosque! Nor is Blenheim Palace, the London Eye, or Stonehenge.

“Even Charlie Brooker is not a mosque. We’ve

November 26, 2014

Labour’s Grayson Perry bags “for collecting tears of disappointment”

by philapilus

Ukip’s has been designed to reflect their core values and policy… but is it art?

The limited edition bags Grayson Perry has designed for the Labour party have a special waterproof lining, for catching the tears of their supporters after the election defeat next year.

Perry, whose design has been lauded as ‘Fucking terrible’ by almost everyone, said “Is it a lion? Is it a pig? You don’t know. And I don’t know. I can’t draw either of them, so it’s somewhere in between.

“But that’s what makes it art.”

Labour have for almost two weeks been giving

November 26, 2014

All Tory MPs “initially trained as cabbies”

by philapilus

“You can get in if you like, but I’m not going South of the bloody river this time of night”

It has emerged that before entering Parliament all prospective Conservative candidates are required to spend at least a year working as taxi drivers.

After cabbies complained about the rudeness of former Cabinet Minister, David Mellor, Conservative HQ retorted that Mellor was “A master of the Hackney Carriage” and knew London “Like the back of his hand.”

Mellor was secretly recorded at the weekend, shouting at a taxi-driver that he could 

November 24, 2014

“Them Labour lot are a bunch of posh wankers, guv’nor” say Tories

by philapilus

“Personally I have a whole fleet of them” said George Osborne “So you can see I’m bona fide proletariat”

David Cameron said today that “Labour are a right load of lah-de-dah rich kids who ain’t never done a hard day’s work in their life.”

The Prime Minister was just one of the numerous working class people, who have been outraged by the prejudice imputed to Emily Thornberry, after a stupendously idiotic Twitter post last week.

Leaning out of the window of his white Ford Transit, Cameron said “Serious guv'; them posh twats ain’t gotta clue about the ordinary common man, and this is why so many of my fellow white van men are gettin

November 18, 2014

Miliband nearly defeats small child in debate

by philapilus

In what has become a very unhealthy pattern, Ed once again tried to overcome his misery by comfort-eating until he threw up

After what Ed Miliband’s supporters called his “completely unfair ambush” at the hands of political heavyweight, Myleene Klass, the leader of the opposition rallied this morning, and performed incredibly well in an argument with a 10 year old.

Miliband was seen leaving the ITV studios in tears yesterday, where Klass had destroyed him on The Agenda programme with questions like “Are you sure you’ve thought this Mansion Tax through?” and “Don’t you have any other plans?”

But this morning Miliband was not so easily cowed by pupil Samantha Furcup, age 10, who said to

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