Archive for ‘Politics’

June 24, 2015

Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of

June 19, 2015

Government ends austerity due to protest march

by philapilus
george-osborne-trade-mission | by Chingster23

“Just to show how sorry I am, there’ll be one of these stuffed full of cash for everyone”

George Osborne will today officially announce the end of the Conservative austerity programme, after the government learned of an impending demonstration organised by The Peoples Assembly Against Austerity.

Mr Osborne said “We knew that austerity wasn’t popular, but I don’t think any of us realised how unpopular it truly was. I mean, these people are going to actually do a protest march tomorrow. They’re not going to sit around reading the papers and having a late brunch, they’re going to march with their actual feet; that’s how strongly they feel about it.

“I’m just really sorry that

June 18, 2015

Labour candidates promise paperclips and Fanta

by philapilus

The 1926 General Strike was Corbyn’s first venture into the world of politics

The candidates for the Labour leadership engaged in a TV debate in Nuneaton yesterday, unleashing a fierce battle of ideological one-upmanship.

Although pundits had predicted little in the way of substance or policy, the four hopefuls exceeded expectations and laid out their candidacies with firm strategy.

Liz Kendall offered “A Britain that has many, many more paperclips available, not just in our offices but in our schools, our townhalls, and even

June 17, 2015

RBS to refuse customers access to their money

by philapilus

No one noticed before that this translates as ‘The bank that despises you all”

RBS said this morning that the 600,000 payments to customers that went ‘missing’ last night were not the result of a mistake. A statement by the publicly owned bank also warned that “customers can expect a lot more of this sort of thing once nice Mr Osborne lets us go private again.”

Jerry Grossekatzen, spokesman for the RBS group said “Normally I’d say some bollocks about the computer system, probably. Or elves with little nets coming and taking your money in the night. But actually we can’t be bothered to make this shit up anymore; we’ll soon be free of you grubby little oiks.

“Our CEO Ross McEwan has filled a swimming pool with your cash, and once Osborne flogs RBS, he and Fred Goodwin are going to swim in it all day. You remember

June 15, 2015

People still inexplicably listening to David Starkey

by philapilus

“Bweaaarrkkk!!! Kweaauurrkkkk CLUK CLUK! BUK-BUK QWEAAARRKK!”

There has been public shock today, after it transpired that some terminally unwise people actually listened while David Starkey spouted some more of his bullshit.

The cantankerous TV ‘history buff’ opened his mouth and allowed a huge river of shit to pour out – ostensibly to liken the SNP to the Nazis, although he was probably just trying to see how much shit he could spew before the room was full and everyone had to leave.

But new SNP MP Jock McStrap said “Wuir nae gon’ tae stan’ fer it! Wuir nae a violent nassty peeple! Wuir peesful as yon next man! Starkey bin takin’ shite an’ weez gon’ tae heidbutt ‘im an gie ‘im a Glasgie smile an’ leev him burrnin’ in

June 9, 2015

FIFA offering London Mayoralty to most ‘convincing’ bidder

by philapilus

“I’ve got this terrible pain in my head, right here. I hope it’s not the early onset of dementia and regrettable associated amnesia!”

The disgraced FIFA organisation has offered to ‘help secure’ the position of Mayor of London “for whichever of the candidates does the best job of convincing our board of their case.”

Embattled president Sepp Blatter said “By ‘case’ we obviously don’t just mean a case full of cash! No; we’d like to help whoever shows us that they have the whole package. We want to see someone who can really push the brown envelope. Someone willing to put a bit of elbow grease into our han- into the job.”

The offer “to assist in an advisory capacity” in the 2016 mayoral elections, comes after FIFA announced its diversification “into other lucrative markets, you know, in case the football thing doesn’t

June 8, 2015

Cameron’s tough-talk to cabinet on EU ‘unrelated to warning from Obama’

by philapilus

The Prime Minister said “Do not fuck with me on this, because you will lose and you will die. I am definitely completely in charge here. Disagree with me and I will end you.”

But critics have suggested that Mr Cameron is acting tough to save face, after a weekend in which Barack Obama “heavily suggested” Britain should not cut defence spending, and that he “looked forward” to Britain staying in

June 4, 2015

Ed Miliband found rescuing kittens

by philapilus

“God told me to find them, bless their sweet little paws”

The former Leader of the Opposition Ed Miliband has been found wandering up and down motorways rescuing kittens, according to Thames Valley Police.

Making a statement to the press, PC McGarry of the Missing Politicians unit, said “I can confirm that having disappeared after his disastrous electoral defeat almost a month ago, Ed was found by a patrol vehicle, cycling along the hard shoulder of the M4 with a net and a little cage containing several feral cats.”

Mr Miliband initially pretended to be a Welshman called Dai Cheesebag, but officers found his House of Commons pass in his jacket pocket and

June 4, 2015

Perjury “fine if it’s just a bit of silly fun” says High Court

by philapilus

“What does this thing do?”

The High Court has declared that perjury is basically no problem provided that it’s done “in a light-hearted way”, after Andy Coulson’s trial collapsed yesterday over a technicality.

Lord Judge Justice General Judge Arthur Theremin decided that it didn’t matter whether or not Coulson had perjured himself, because “If he did do it, then it was done in an immaterial, pulling-your-leg type of way.

Lord Theremin said “Everyone bullshits, and who cares if someone is – or isn’t – a lying little arsehole? Not saying that

June 2, 2015

Jeremy Hunt launches attack on himself over NHS agency bills

by philapilus

“I am a total fuckwit, what am I?”

The Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has launched a scathing attack on “the blithering idiot who in the last Parliament got rid of all those nurses and nurse training places, sending our agency staff bills shooting sky-high and making it harder for us to find staff.”

After the bill for agency staff rose from £1.8bn to £3.3bn over the last three years, Mr Hunt said that the Minister for Health who presided over such failure “must have been one of the most gigantic bell-ends the world has ever seen, and a total innumerate pillock to boot. ”

He added that “Bringing in doctors at £3,500-per-shift is a disgrace, and I can’t believe the taxpayers haven’t revolted against that useless stream of piss. Who

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