Archive for ‘Politics’

September 1, 2014

The Martyrdom of a Modern Hero, by George Galloway

by philapilus

 

The thought of that beautiful smile being wiped off his face is more than we lowly commoners can bear…

Bravely stood the proud and noble man; erect, full of purpose, indefatigable as a Persian dictator, though with the moral complexion of a Saint, astride the London streets like a mighty colossus, blessing common people, as was his wont.

But even his great mind was unable to foresee what was coming; a savage beating at the hands of a maniac.

You will be distraught, I know, to hear that this brutally set-upon genius was not some remote ivory-tower intellectual, but one

August 26, 2014

Boris calls for small change in law to let him become Emperor

by philapilus

Behold! The God-king descends majestically from the sky!

After calling this morning for legal reforms to do away with “All that rotten guff about fair trial and habeas corpus“, Boris Johnson has now suggested yet more “minute changes to the law, that will allow me to, you know, sort of rule you all as an Emperor/God-incarnate type of chap.”

Boris said this lunchtime that he would like to see “Some really very, very minor alterations in British Sovereign law, that just kind of ‘bump up’ my role a bit.

“Kind of elevating the

August 26, 2014

Salmond ‘wins’ independence debate that no one listened to

by philapilus

“I will crush his pudgy little head”

Political commentators have agreed that Alex Salmond should be declared the victor of last night’s televised Scottish independence debate “for the sake of balance”, after the First Minister’s previous drubbing at the hands of Alistair Darling.The general feeling amonsgt attending journalists and pundits was that “As no one heard a word either man said – because we all fell asleep the moment it started – we thought we’d just give it to Alex this time, to even things out.”

Terry Thomas, political analyst for some shitty newspaper with ‘Mail’ in the title, represented the general consensus when he said “I fell asleep during the first one too, but gave it to Alistair because he’s thinner, and I fucking hate little fat men. But then my sister, who is fat, told me that was

August 22, 2014

IS: ‘Our motivations are holy, pure, noble, and maybe a teeny little bit financial’

by philapilus

It’s almost certainly NOT about being unable to pull

A spokesman for theocratic fundamentalist Jihadists, Islamic State, has explained that the $132m ransom it initially demanded for the return of murdered journalist James Foley was “Absolutely definitely in line with the Koran, and I’ll probably even remember which bit in a minute.”

Foley’s slaughter, apparently “Motivated by the need to do God’s bidding”, is mentioned in a new television ad-campaign IS has launched to prove that its actions “Are profoundly just, and not simply the work of a bunch of misogynist, hypocritical, backward cunts”.

Set against a backdrop of Butlins-style holiday camps, the ad features a

August 19, 2014

Assange: ‘I’m probably OK to come out now, yeah?’

by philapilus

“I don’t get out much, but I thought the press would be the best people to ask about my chances for freedom, given their unimpeachable code of honour and great integrity.”

Julian Assange yesterday invited reporters to the Ecuadorian embassy, saying “I just wanted to see if you guys reckon I can come out of hiding yet?”

The Australian fled to the embassy two years ago to avoid extradition to Sweden on charges of sexual assault. He also fears incarceration by the US over the Wikileaks revelations.

Assange exhorted journalists to “Be honest; I really don’t want to make a boob here”, adding “but like, all that stuff was a

August 18, 2014

‘Is Cornwall like Scotland?’ asks BBC

by philapilus

In the build-up to what has been favourably called ‘the sinfully dull Scottish independence referendum’, our plucky sister news organ, the BBC, has today posed the fascinating question of whether Cornwall is a bit like Scotland! In an act of almost unfathomable charity, we have devoted ourselves to this

August 12, 2014

Scots to keep pound but not spend it

by philapilus

Youse cannae ha’it bak, yon thievin’ tyrant that ye are!

A recent survey has found that over 90% of Scots agree with Alex Salmond that Scotland should keep the pound, as well as all the smaller denomination coinage and banknotes, in “A tightly clenched fist or easy to hide purse.”

The poll adds to the already substantial evidence that Scotland has no intention of handing over any of its money, for anything, and is intending to continue standing at the bar cadging drinks off everyone else whilst pretending to be broke indefinitely.

Alistair Darling, chairman of the Better Together campaign, said “Knowing that Scotland is about as likely to part

August 12, 2014

Russia sends not-at-all suspicious aid convoy to Ukraine

by philapilus

“You couldn’t fit a platoon, a small armoured car, an anti-tank artillery piece and enough supplies and ammunition to last three months into one of these. And we should know, we checked!”

Russia insisted today that the 300 lorries full of food and medicine it is sending to Ukraine “Really don’t need to be checked very thoroughly at all.”

Vladimir Putin, whose country has clashed with the West over Russia’s attempt to dominate the region, said that the vehicles “Are full of socks, vodka, and pickled fish, and definitely not packed with special forces and munitions.”

But Western military intelligence warned that the 45,000 troops currently massing on the

August 11, 2014

US trying to reanimate Saddam

by philapilus

In the hierarchy of American foreign policy options, creating a Frankenstein’s Monster traditionally sits somewhere between drone-strikes and the deployment of the entire US armed forces for an indefinite period of time.

President Obama has authorised the Pentagon’s medical science divisions to attempt a radical new procedure that it is hoped will bring the corpse of Saddam Hussein back from the dead.

The US has intervened in Iraq for decades, using sanctions, military occupation, drone strikes, political strong-arming, and even flooding the country with porn and jam – all without success.

The President held a press conference and announced that it was “Now time for a different approach.

“In line with our long-held policy of not really having a strategy and making

August 7, 2014

Boris to eat dinner

by philapilus

The dinner revelations have not helped anyone solve the impossible conundrum over whether or not BoJo will return to the mainstream of British politics or make a leadership challenge

The UK’s media buzzed with unprecedented excitement this morning, after months of speculation finally ended with the confirmation that Boris Johnson will eat some food later.

Although it had long been said that Boris would very obviously eat dinner tonight, the coy Mayor of London had avoided giving away any clues one way or the other, leading to a storm of gossip and rumour.

Political analyst Mike Ock said “Of course, we did expect Mr Johnson would do this very unsurprising thing, and, by the same token, we imagined that

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