Archive for ‘Politics’

August 25, 2015

Labour to “weed out” anyone voting for Corbyn, says Harman

by philapilus

“The world will end” claims Harman

Harriet Harman has promised that the upcoming Labour leadership ballot will be “scrupulously fair and impartial” to which end “party activists are working round the clock to exclude anyone thinking of voting for one candidate in particular – I don’t think I have to name him, but it’s not Andy.”

The acting Labour leader warned that “thousands of cheats are attempting to infiltrate the party, purely to exploit the voting system in order to democratically vote for a candidate who some of us don’t want them to vote for.”

Many senior Labour officials are

August 19, 2015

DWP only paying out for fictional claimants

by philapilus

Jesus wept, what a useless bag of smeg

After being caught out using made-up claimants for a benefits sanctions information leaflet, the Department for Work and Pensions has this morning admitted that the vast majority of the  benefits bill is actually being sunk in to non-existent claimants invented by the marketing department.

The DWP secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “I do have to admit this does sort of seem to go against the narrative of ‘benefits cheats bankrupting the country’ that I have spent the last five years banging on about.

“I’m not going to make any

August 11, 2015

“Corbyn isn’t much like Blair” warns Campbell

by philapilus

“He’s got huge tusks that come out of his jaw about this far, and if we make him leader then he’ll use them to impale babies”

Alastair Campbell has warned Labour members against voting for Jeremy Corbyn, explaining that Corbyn is not Tony Blair, and furthermore “doesn’t even look like him”.

Campbell who was the communications director and enforcer for the Blair government, has told party members that the left-wing leadership candidate is “dangerously unBlair; he doesn’t appear to be remotely interested in Blairism, doesn’t sound or taste like Blair, and doesn’t even remind me of that useless tub of fox excrement Gordon Brown.”

Jeremy Corbyn is leading the

August 4, 2015

Calais migrants “have not yet unleashed armageddon” say experts

by philapilus

“fucking immigrants”

Analysts confirmed this morning that the South East of England has not yet descended into apocalyptic destruction and horror, despite the fact that a few thousand poor bastards are still trying to get across from Calais.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Reading Stuff, said “Even though the newspapers are saying that the Calais hopefuls have instigated the end times by climbing over a fence, we went and checked and Kent has completely failed to subside into the broiling maw of the sea, contra all expectations. In fact the

July 21, 2015

Rob Wilson MP defends 1 1/2p claim for breathing

by philapilus

“You’d be amazed how much shit comes out of me every day” said Wilson

Conservative MP Rob Wilson has lashed out at critics for drawing attention to small expenses claims he has made for driving 350 yards, riding his bicycle, and breathing.

The Member for Reading East said that “As a public servant my every waking moment is spent serving the public. Therefore everything I do during those working moments should be paid for by the public. And as I only receive a salary for my MP work, I see nothing wrong in claiming everything else on expenses.”

His most regular claims revealed by IPSA include: breathing, at 1 1/2p per breath; getting dressed, at 11p per day (13p if it’s a weekend); peeing, at 3p per 200ml; and

July 20, 2015

Queen “not a Nazi”, unlike most of her family

by philapilus

The Duke of Windsor making new friends

Buckingham Palace has responded angrily to the release of footage of the young Princess Elizabeth giving a Nazi salute in 1933, saying that the Queen is no fascist, even if the rest of the family are.Sir Percy Spoke, Keeper of the Queen’s Loo-roll said “Her Majesty deplores Hitler, National Socialism, the Holocaust, and all of the horrors of Nazi rule. Making a silly gesture as a seven-year-old does not equate to any sort of ideological support.

“It’s not like she’s Edward VIII, Prince Philip, Prince Harry, Prin- actually hang on, can we just back up a second? You didn’t record that last bit did you? Oh shit.”

Despite

July 17, 2015

Tim Farron to lead small remainder of Lib Dem party

by philapilus

The future Prime Minister/store manager of a branch of Greggs

Tim Farron has defeated opponent Norman Lamb to become the new leader of the Liberal Democrats after winning no fewer than 19 of the 33 votes cast.

Farron assembled the entire party in a village church hall, where he apologised that the premises were too spacious before praising the ‘new army’ of Lib Dem supporters. He explained that 17 people had joined the party since the general election, bringing the total number of party supporters to an impressive 56

“17 is just a massive number,” said Farron. “It’s much bigger than 11, bigger even than 15, and only slightly less than

July 16, 2015

Trade Unions not really necessary anymore, says government

by philapilus

None of these people brought the mandatory armadillo which would have made the strike legal, so they were all thrown off Beachy Head

The government has said that its plans to change the way Trade Unions vote on strikes are in no way an assault on workers’ rights because “workers already have everything they want”.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid said “All those people who are saying that this will make legal strikes impossible are overlooking the fact that no one really wants to strike anymore. We’ve fixed pretty much everything, and everyone is happy.

“What we need is a country that works for working people who work at the right kind of work and don’t work with other workers to

July 13, 2015

News briefs: “England’s my bitch now ” says Sturgeon

by philapilus

Sturgeon was last seen heading to Westminster in her Ministerial transport

The First Minister of Scotland has said that if England thinks it can decide anything by itself it is “very much fucking mistaken”, after hearing proposals that would allow only English MPs to vote on legislation applicable only to England.

Sturgeon said “I don’t care if

July 12, 2015

Gove overturns draconian legislation of previous government (whoever they were)

by philapilus

Don’t take the piss though

Michael Gove has cemented his reputation as a trailblazing social reformer, after reversing legislation restricting the number of books prisoners are allowed – a measure presumably put in place by an as yet unknown scheming malefactor.

The Justice Secretary said “This draconian law is precisely the sort of thing that the Conservative party has always been completely against. I literally cannot imagine what kind of government could have thought this was a good idea.

“Best if we don’t look into it though I reckon. It’s not important who introduced it or when. All that matters is

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 328 other followers