Archive for ‘News Briefs’

February 8, 2013

News Briefs: Dorner murders prove NRA “right again”

by philapilus
Guns 001

“This floor-mounted one is in case the dog needs to shoot anybody”

A survey of people who fill out surveys indicates that the majority of people filling out surveys think the recent shootings by Christopher Jordan Dorner indicate the need for many, many more guns.

Dorner, a former policeman who posted a rambling statement online revealing his intent to kill LAPD officers, embarked on a shooting spree that has left three dead and two injured so far.

In the hunt to find him zealous policeman have also managed to shoot up random vehicles and two innocent members of the public.

NRA spokesman Dick Cheese said “Well this just goes to show! We all need guns! The police need more guns to get him, the public need guns to fire back at police in case of mistakes, and clearly Dorner needs more guns cos he’s only killed three so far! Loser!

“Um, actually hang on, can I retract that last bit?”

January 3, 2013

News Briefs

by philapilus
English: A pair of white briefs.

Geddit?

Shetlanders can keep heroin, say police

After the dramatic seizure of £140,000 worth of heroin, the Northern Constabulary has announced it will be releasing the confiscated drugs back into the hands of the dealers, and will not be making any charges.

PC McGarry No. 452 said “We was gonna nick the lot of ‘em, and confiscate the drugs what we had found through careful detectoring.

“But then the old chief inspector, ‘e says, ‘Poor bastards, Shetland really is a right shithole’, and we thought about all of ‘em sitting there on that miserable rock, and were forced to agree. So we give ‘em back the heroin and threw in a crate of

December 12, 2012

News Briefs

by unpseudable

Paul McCartney to annihilate Nirvana


As reported by TMB earlier, Paul McCartney’s ongoing scheme to cruelly destroy people’s fond memories of the Beatles unfortunately looks set today to take out Nirvana as collateral damage.  Furthermore, given that the gig in question is for the victims of hurricane Sandy, some have seen this move as a massive piss take of them as well.

Whilst Nirvana’s critical and popular breakthrough came in the early 1990s, bringing grunge music to a massive audience, Paul McCartney was embarking on his critically panned foray into orchestral music.  However, music critics considered this work an “improvement” on the fucking Frog Chorus.

Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic

May 10, 2012

2012 Olympics proudly continues Third Reich tradition

by philapilus
The Nazi origins of the Olympic Flame relay wa...

Coe says “The 2012 Olympics logo looks really neat against a white circle on a long banner, don’t you think?”

With the lighting of the Olympic torch in Athens today, the depressingly long summer of sport-obsessed hysteria is officially under way.

Whilst women clad in white robes kindled the torch from sunlight – Greece no longer being able to afford matches – there was an audible ‘clunk’ as everyone switched off their higher brain functions.

Minds around the globe were retuned to Basic Operational Mode, and any word with more than three syllables was officially banned from use until the autumn.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, said “Well this is really brilliant. It was Prometheus who stole fire from the gods, and as we get lots of people to run round and round Britain, with a bit of fire in a confusing relay, I like to think that Prometheus would be sitting up there weeping. Tears of joy, of course.”

“After all, what would be the point in just taking the torch straight to the Olympic stadium? Or, worse still, doing away with the whole torch-transportation thing, and lighting the cauldron with a Zippo? You might as well claim the whole thing is meaningless ceremony, given that fire is now fairly easily generated, and doesn’t have to be passed from one person to another, like some precious and rare commodity.”*

February 15, 2012

Presscuttings

by philapilus
Men boxer underwear

TMB’s news briefs:

Advance purchases of Barbie dolls cancelled by men:

It seems that huge advance sales of Mattel’s Duchess of Cambridge Barbie doll have been cancelled, after purchasers realised what was actually meant by ‘dolls aimed at the adult collectors market’.

February 15, 2012

Presscuttings

by philapilus
Men boxer underwear

TMB’s news briefs:

Fans of music “inconsolable” after Shakira survives sea-lion ‘attack’:

It has been reported that the female ‘singer’ (and frankly if we had space we would put a hell of a lot more inverted commas around that) claims she was seriously and viciously almost mauled to pieces by a sea-lion, which – to the everlasting misfortune of music – did not lay so much as a whisker on her.

January 30, 2012

Presscuttings

by philapilus
Men boxer underwear

TMB’s news briefs:

Livingstone’s devastating assault on Miliband:

The ex-Mayor of London launched a genius back-handed assault on the Leader of the Opposition, complimenting him profoundly for being so much  like Margaret Thatcher, and noting that he, Livingstone, personally lauded politicians who are as ugly as fuck and drone on and on and on.

Miliband told comrades he was on his way round to Ken’s house after work to pay a reciprocal compliment to Livingstone with a length of two-by-four, as a way of saying thanks.

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