Archive for ‘Music’

July 7, 2014

Pink Floyd to release new unprecedented bank balance

by philapilus

The flying pig, stuffed with cash, counted as ‘offshore’ on the tax returns

Pink Floyd will break their 20-year album hiatus, with the release of new album, The Endless River later this year, which the band promises will be “our most thought-provokingly money-making album yet”.

Lead guitarist, David Gilmour, said today “Consisting entirely of new, never before released material, which we recorded two decades ago but deemed not good enough to release, this album will bring together all the original members of the band.

“Except the two that have died, and the arsehole who left after that massive hissy-fit.”

Drummer Nick Mason

July 1, 2014

Juggling skills not the babe-magnet we’d hoped, admit hippies

by philapilus

Didn’t pull this weekend, bizarrely

Scores of men with dreadlocks and tie-dyed T-shirts left Glastonbury disappointed this weekend, after failing to impress hot women with their juggling and friendship bracelet-making skills.

A man who asked to be referred to as ‘Mushroom’, “instead of the slave-name society gave me”, said today “My only contact with the opposite sex was a string of disgusted rejections.

“I even got punched in the face by one girl, just for asking if she’d like a pull on my bong.”

Hippy artisan

June 2, 2014

BBC ‘No intention of sacking Justin Bieber’ over N-word fiasco

by philapilus
"I am SO sorry, honestly..."

“I am SO sorry, honestly…”

The BBC announced today that they “had no plans to terminate Justin Bieber’s employment” after footage emerged of the singer using the ‘N-word’ in a racist joke.

A spokesman said “In line with corporation policy, we have investigated the matter, and on discovering that Bieber is rich and famous, have decided it would not be in the public interest to do anything more than offer a mild reprimand.

“The BBC stands by its established procedure for dealing with alleged racial incidents, which is to refer the incident to the Clarkson-Lowe scale.

“Broadly speaking, the

May 21, 2014

‘Critics are best thing ever’ say critics

by philapilus
File:Pavarotti - Sutherland 1976.jpg

Like something from a Ken Loach film

Cultural commentators of all stripes have joined together in robustly defending the gallant assault some music critics made on a young opera singer’s looks.

The Daily Telegraph’s Rupert Christiansen was amongst those who were unfairly pilloried, after pointing out that Tara Erraught’s “dumpy stature” somehow didn’t sound right.

But he and many other critics have today published a riposte, in the form of an open letter, on the subject of ‘Why critics are beyond criticism’.

They explain that

May 16, 2014

Cameron vows ‘to hunt down’ Status Quo

by philapilus

Whatever you want…

In a bid to win the Scottish electorate over to the ‘Better Together’ position, David Cameron said yesterday that a vote against Scottish Independence will mean “No Status Quo”.

Speaking at a press conference, the Prime Minister said “For too long our joint countries have been blighted by the music of these ageing, MOR rockers. Do you remember those Argos adverts? Jesus Shitting Christ they were awful.

“My message to you, Scotland, is that by sticking with us, we’ll give you ‘Whatever You Want’, part of which will, I know, include the capture and violent butchering of every member, and former member, of Status Quo. It’s something we all want.

“So don’t

May 12, 2014

Russell Brand combs hair, dons dress, wins Eurovision

by philapilus


Russell Brand said this morning that he was delighted with his victory at Eurovision 2014, and that his win was “A win for, like, all the peeps wot are well nice to each ovver, an’ don’t get in like an argy-bargy over nuffink!”

Brand described the huge difficulty of combing his hair for the contest, an operation which took twelve hairdressers over 36 hours to complete.

“But it was well worf it, eh?” Brand said, adding “And, Austria, like, I’m not bein’ argumental or anyfing, but they said me having a go at Andrew Sachs was the funniest thing wot ever happened. That’s

January 29, 2014

Pete Seeger’s death unleashes ‘perfect storm’ of Billy Bragg and banjos

by philapilus

Holy shit

The passing of elderly folk singer, Pete Seeger, has inevitably led to Billy Bragg, and to a nostalgia for banjos, according to music experts.

Seeger, one of the greatest statesmen of the folk revival and protest movement, is remembered both for his peaceful resistance to batshit-mad right-wingnuts, and his ability to play the banjo without sounding like an inbred hillbilly.

But Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute of Nasal-singing, said “We are facing a Billy Bragg media-presence of pandemic proportions, and – terrifyingly – a

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

November 28, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus
English: Kanye West performing in December 2008

Totally over the top; no one in real life is this awful

Hi everyone! God here again.

After last week’s ‘Thought for the Week’, in which I tried to explain how I accidentally started this weird fad for chopping the end off willies, the TMB editors have said they’re going to drop me if I don’t write something ‘more culturally relevant’.

So I did some ‘Googling’ (My Me, there’s a lot of porn out there!) and discovered that the things considered most culturally relevant today are cerebrally-challenged celebrities and pop musicians.

And so today I’m going to talk about the music video ‘Bound 2′, with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

 I have to say at the outset that

September 10, 2013

Bob Geldoff to be shot into space “Where he can do no more harm”

by philapilus
bono speak

Please God, PLEASE let this man be next

Campaigner and nasal whiner Bob Geldoff will be launched into space next year, as part of the Space Expedition Corporation’s plan to get rid of the 100 most annoying people on the planet.

SXC spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Firstly, about the fact that our initials are SXC instead of SEC; yes, we know. It’s fucking retarded. But our CEO insisted his 11-year old son be allowed to handle the marketing strategy, and apparently adolescents think things are cooler if you stick an ‘X’ in.

“Anyway. We have come up with a very exciting plan to get rid of every egotistic rich wanker we could find, and to that end we have devised our exclusive ‘space tourism’ programme, codenamed ‘Heffalump Trap’.

“Basically our


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