Archive for ‘Music’

August 17, 2015

Bin Laden’s tape collection “includes the Bangles and Steeleye Span”

by philapilus

“All around my hat I will wear the green ribbon…”

Experts analysing the vast tape collection of Osama Bin Laden have revealed that the Al Qaeda leader “was a huge fan of bands like the Bangles, the Mamas and the Papas, and British folk rock outfit, Steeleye Span.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Sound Studies went through more than 1500 casettes, and found that Bin Laden’s musical tastes tended to focus on anything recorded before Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’, which was the most recent album that he owned.

“‘Nevermind’ was almost worn out,” said McEyebrau “So he’d obviously listened to it a lot. We think he

June 30, 2015

“Glastonbury gone all corporate for booking Kanye” says man who paid £230 for ticket

by philapilus

Not Crosby, Stills or Nash

Festival goer Tim Twanks has accused Glastonbury of “failing to live up to its hippy credentials”, adding that when he paid £230 for a ticket he hadn’t for one minute expected that the festival was a remotely commercial enterprise.

Twanks returned to work this morning and told colleagues that an appearance by Kanye West had ruined his weekend and permanently undermined Gastonbury’s credibility as far as he was concerned.

“Free love, temporary tattoos, and £15.50 bottles of water is what I

April 7, 2015

American Pie song “is actually about pie”

by philapilus

‘The Levy was dry’ refers to the dark day when Mclean’s favourite shop, Levy’s Little Bakery, ran out of stewed apples

Fans of American Pie, the so-called ‘song of the century’ were left reeling with disappointment today, after 16 pages of notes revealed that Don Mclean’s 8 1/2 minute epic is actually just about pies.

The manuscript, which is to be auctioned at Christie’s, was expected to contain detailed annotations for some of the song’s stranger lyrical moments, providing commentary and explanation for phrases that have been puzzled over by fans for decades.

But, says auctioneer Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, the document is basically one very long list of the types of pie that Don Mclean was particularly fond of.

Fanshawe-Haines-Haines said “My hands were

February 26, 2015

Elderly lady falls over at Brits

by philapilus
File:Madonna à Nice 30 2.jpg

“In MY day everyone was respectable and wore ties”

There was bemusement at the Brit Awards last night, after a confused OAP wandered onto the stage during a song, and then fell down some stairs.

The woman, Ms M. Ciccone, seemed unharmed after the fall. Although members of the dance troupe then on stage tried to help her, she pushed them away, scolding “You young ‘uns don’t know you’re born! I’ve  fallen over more times than you’ve had hot dinners!”

She then fell over again, breaking an ankle, which left her squawking in pain for

January 30, 2015

Centuries-old body of Buddhist monk had ticket to see Rolling Stones

by philapilus

This etching from the 1850s shows the exact moment that Keith wrote the riff for ‘Brown Sugar’

A ticket to one of the first concerts by the Rolling Stones has been discovered amongst the artefacts belonging to a Buddhist monk, who died in the 1800s.

The very-well preserved corpse, discovered in Mongolia, has sat serenely in the Lotus position for perhaps 200 years, with all the appearance of having found peace and enlightenment at the moment of death.

Amongst his pockets archaeologists have found a big bag of weed, a score for pan-pipes music, and a ticket to see ‘Ye Rollinge Stones, in ye Hydde Park, LonDon.’

The ticket, which

November 10, 2014

Catatonia: We will not be cowed by Spain

by philapilus

“All we want is freedom from Spain, Yaki Da!”

In an unofficial poll, Welsh indie rock band Catatonia have voted overwhelmingly for independence from Spain.

Breathy-voiced lead singer Cerys Matthews said “That’s popular opinion, see? There’s lovely int it? It’s about time Spain let us go, see? We’ll do very well without them, so we will.”

The independence ballot was an act of defiance, after a ruling by the Spanish constitutional court refused to allow a referendum on autonomy for the famous ’90s britpop act.

The Spanish

November 7, 2014

Deceitful band frontman CAN hear you

by philapilus

He knows EXACTLY what you’re saying, the deceitful little jerk

It has emerged that the lead singer or frontman of every band on the planet can actually hear the audience, despite frequent protestations to the contrary.

Musicians admitted that the whole  ‘Are you having a good time?…  I can’t HEAR you! I SAID: ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?!’ is actually a ruse, intended to arouse more excitement and adulation from screaming fans.

Audience member Dwayne Tank said “I see a

November 6, 2014

AC/DC drummer not charged with child abuse

by philapilus

There was widespread shock this morning after an ageing male celebrity was arrested on suspicion of a crime not in any way related to the abuse of children.

Phil Rudd, drummer of the famous heavy rock outfit, AC/DC, has been charged with attempting to arrange a murder and drug offences, but appears to have no connection whatsoever to child sex crimes.

New Zealand police, who arrested Mr Rudd this morning, said “Astonishingly we have no grounds on which to

November 5, 2014

Creepy-crawly horde to colonize Melua’s ear canal

by philapilus

Spacious, close to the shops, and with excellent public transport links

After Katie Melua saved a spider lodging in her ear and released it into the garden, numerous bugs, arachnids and insects have announced their intention to take up residence in the singer’s inner ears.

Adam Ant, an ant from Bromley, said “Normally, when people get critters stuck in the old lugs they dig us out and squish us flat.

“But Katie’s a class act. Didn’t panic, didn’t disintegrate that spider with a blowtorch; she just gave it a comfortable

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is

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