Archive for ‘Music’

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is

September 30, 2014

Universal Music to place music in brand videos

by philapilus

Just one of the brands whose videos UMG and Mirriad might occasionally put music on*

In a bold new commercial strategy, the Universal Music Group has signed a deal with UK tech start-up, Mirriad, to occasionally have a little bit of music in the videos it produces for top brand names.

Randy Bumfukowizc, head of creative revenue-streaming, said “It sort of just suddenly hit us; why not slip the odd bit of a tune in here and there? Not to deflect attention from the brands; that would be stupid.

“But just to give you something to hum along to while you

September 16, 2014

Apple unveil ‘U2-removal tool’ to seek out and destroy bandmembers

by philapilus

How to dismantle an atonal Bono

Following the general panic and devastation unleashed by the U2 covert weapon recently, Apple has released a new tool to help customers get rid of the troublesome band.

A ‘one-click removal button’ gives users the power – with a simple deft flick of the finger – to send Apple donations towards a fleet of deadly iDrones.

A spokesperson for the technology giant said “Once enough people have clicked and the funds are in, we will purchase and then re-brand USAF drones, paint them white, and then send them out to hunt down and

September 12, 2014

Deadly U2 virus unleashed on iTunes

by philapilus

Terrorising our children for decades

Software-virus experts continue to work around the clock to try and undo the damage caused yesterday when sound-terrorists U2 unleashed their new weapon on untold numbers of innocent people.

Disguised as an album of ‘music’, the torture implement suddenly appeared, without warning, amongst the files of every iTunes user in the world.

Scotland Yard’s chief anti-terrorist expert, PC McGarry No. 452, said “People everywhere are in shock, hospitalised – many are just plain dead. We will be

July 7, 2014

Pink Floyd to release new unprecedented bank balance

by philapilus

The flying pig, stuffed with cash, counted as ‘offshore’ on the tax returns

Pink Floyd will break their 20-year album hiatus, with the release of new album, The Endless River later this year, which the band promises will be “our most thought-provokingly money-making album yet”.

Lead guitarist, David Gilmour, said today “Consisting entirely of new, never before released material, which we recorded two decades ago but deemed not good enough to release, this album will bring together all the original members of the band.

“Except the two that have died, and the arsehole who left after that massive hissy-fit.”

Drummer Nick Mason

July 1, 2014

Juggling skills not the babe-magnet we’d hoped, admit hippies

by philapilus

Didn’t pull this weekend, bizarrely

Scores of men with dreadlocks and tie-dyed T-shirts left Glastonbury disappointed this weekend, after failing to impress hot women with their juggling and friendship bracelet-making skills.

A man who asked to be referred to as ‘Mushroom’, “instead of the slave-name society gave me”, said today “My only contact with the opposite sex was a string of disgusted rejections.

“I even got punched in the face by one girl, just for asking if she’d like a pull on my bong.”

Hippy artisan

June 2, 2014

BBC ‘No intention of sacking Justin Bieber’ over N-word fiasco

by philapilus
"I am SO sorry, honestly..."

“I am SO sorry, honestly…”

The BBC announced today that they “had no plans to terminate Justin Bieber’s employment” after footage emerged of the singer using the ‘N-word’ in a racist joke.

A spokesman said “In line with corporation policy, we have investigated the matter, and on discovering that Bieber is rich and famous, have decided it would not be in the public interest to do anything more than offer a mild reprimand.

“The BBC stands by its established procedure for dealing with alleged racial incidents, which is to refer the incident to the Clarkson-Lowe scale.

“Broadly speaking, the

May 21, 2014

‘Critics are best thing ever’ say critics

by philapilus
File:Pavarotti - Sutherland 1976.jpg

Like something from a Ken Loach film

Cultural commentators of all stripes have joined together in robustly defending the gallant assault some music critics made on a young opera singer’s looks.

The Daily Telegraph’s Rupert Christiansen was amongst those who were unfairly pilloried, after pointing out that Tara Erraught’s “dumpy stature” somehow didn’t sound right.

But he and many other critics have today published a riposte, in the form of an open letter, on the subject of ‘Why critics are beyond criticism’.

They explain that

May 16, 2014

Cameron vows ‘to hunt down’ Status Quo

by philapilus

Whatever you want…

In a bid to win the Scottish electorate over to the ‘Better Together’ position, David Cameron said yesterday that a vote against Scottish Independence will mean “No Status Quo”.

Speaking at a press conference, the Prime Minister said “For too long our joint countries have been blighted by the music of these ageing, MOR rockers. Do you remember those Argos adverts? Jesus Shitting Christ they were awful.

“My message to you, Scotland, is that by sticking with us, we’ll give you ‘Whatever You Want’, part of which will, I know, include the capture and violent butchering of every member, and former member, of Status Quo. It’s something we all want.

“So don’t

May 12, 2014

Russell Brand combs hair, dons dress, wins Eurovision

by philapilus


Russell Brand said this morning that he was delighted with his victory at Eurovision 2014, and that his win was “A win for, like, all the peeps wot are well nice to each ovver, an’ don’t get in like an argy-bargy over nuffink!”

Brand described the huge difficulty of combing his hair for the contest, an operation which took twelve hairdressers over 36 hours to complete.

“But it was well worf it, eh?” Brand said, adding “And, Austria, like, I’m not bein’ argumental or anyfing, but they said me having a go at Andrew Sachs was the funniest thing wot ever happened. That’s


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