Archive for ‘Music’

January 29, 2014

Pete Seeger’s death unleashes ‘perfect storm’ of Billy Bragg and banjos

by philapilus

Holy shit

The passing of elderly folk singer, Pete Seeger, has inevitably led to Billy Bragg, and to a nostalgia for banjos, according to music experts.

Seeger, one of the greatest statesmen of the folk revival and protest movement, is remembered both for his peaceful resistance to batshit-mad right-wingnuts, and his ability to play the banjo without sounding like an inbred hillbilly.

But Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute of Nasal-singing, said “We are facing a Billy Bragg media-presence of pandemic proportions, and – terrifyingly – a

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

November 28, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus
English: Kanye West performing in December 2008

Totally over the top; no one in real life is this awful

Hi everyone! God here again.

After last week’s ‘Thought for the Week’, in which I tried to explain how I accidentally started this weird fad for chopping the end off willies, the TMB editors have said they’re going to drop me if I don’t write something ‘more culturally relevant’.

So I did some ‘Googling’ (My Me, there’s a lot of porn out there!) and discovered that the things considered most culturally relevant today are cerebrally-challenged celebrities and pop musicians.

And so today I’m going to talk about the music video ‘Bound 2′, with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

 I have to say at the outset that

September 10, 2013

Bob Geldoff to be shot into space “Where he can do no more harm”

by philapilus
bono speak

Please God, PLEASE let this man be next

Campaigner and nasal whiner Bob Geldoff will be launched into space next year, as part of the Space Expedition Corporation’s plan to get rid of the 100 most annoying people on the planet.

SXC spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Firstly, about the fact that our initials are SXC instead of SEC; yes, we know. It’s fucking retarded. But our CEO insisted his 11-year old son be allowed to handle the marketing strategy, and apparently adolescents think things are cooler if you stick an ‘X’ in.

“Anyway. We have come up with a very exciting plan to get rid of every egotistic rich wanker we could find, and to that end we have devised our exclusive ‘space tourism’ programme, codenamed ‘Heffalump Trap’.

“Basically our

August 21, 2013

Birth of the Antichrist may be imminent

by philapilus
English: Satan as Antichrist

Strangely no one has ever really commented upon Cowell’s unusual means of transport to and from the TV studios

The Catholic Church warned this morning that there is a very real possibility that the Antichrist will soon be upon us.

Father Mario Carrta, of the Holy Church’s Committee for Debating the End of the World, said “The Holy Book tells us that in the End Times a beast will arise; noxious and perfidious beyond all imagination.

“And it will sire a son, who, through no fault of his own, will be the antithesis of all that is holy.

“It was thus with great horror and trepidation that the Committee discovered in the paper this morning that Simon Cowell will

June 20, 2013

Breaking News: Osborne to launch singing career

by philapilus
BBC TV The Black & White Minstrel Show

George has enlisted the help of fellow MPs Grant Shapps and Jeremy Hunt, along with four tea-ladies/dominatrixes from Tory HQ


After President Obama repeatedly confused George Osborne with R&B-singer Jeffrey Osborne in a G8 speech, the chancellor has announced his intention to enter the music industry.

An anonymous aide said “The chancellor was so mortified with embarrasment, he couldn’t even correct the US president, which  means the only course of action open to him now is to do his best to become a successful black soul artist.”

David Cameron said “I’m confident George will

April 10, 2013

Johnny Rotten “Not very polite”

by philapilus
John Lydon Public Image Limited (PiL) Taken at...

He’s always been so shy and retiring

Former Sex Pistols frontman, John Lydon, AKA ‘Johnny Rotten’, has caused surprise and shock after being quite impolite to an Australian TV presenter.

The normally soft-spoken and well-mannered singer was being interviewed on Channel Ten’s entertainment programme The Project, when, to everyone’s surprise, he began to behave with less than punctilious propriety.

In an almost unheard-of outburst of language veering slightly towards the aggressive, Rotten slightly belittled his interviewer, Carrie Bickmore, spoke of himself in a slightly grandiose fashion, and at one point appeared accidentally to make

March 8, 2013

News Briefs: Music fans mourn Bieber’s recovery

by philapilus
A male boxer brief

We are so subtle

The crowd attending Justin Bieber’s concert last night were said to be distraught, when it transpired that the young pop singer had not only recovered from his onstage fainting spell, but would actually continue performing.

The audience of children, composed equally of those being punished by their parents, and those on community service, cheered maniacally as Bieber collapsed.

Amy Buttox, a fourth-form pupil at Dairylea Girls School in Cheddar, said “It was wonderful, all my dreams came true. I screamed and screamed with delight. But then a doctor came out and made Justin all better, and he insisted on finishing the concert. We were weeping with despair.”

She finished with a tearful plea “Mum, dad, if you’re listening; I am so sorry, I will never ever steal from you again. Just please, please never make me sit through another Bieber concert, I’m begging you.”

March 5, 2013

Crowd booing Bieber reveals “Actually we were glad he was late”

by philapilus
English: NYC signing September 1, 2009 at Nint...

Once again the pop idol was photographed flaunting his utter contempt for his fans.

Justin Bieber appeared on stage at the O2 yesterday to a cacophony of boos and jeers.

Initial reports suggested that the crowd had become restless because the singer had begun the gig two hours later than scheduled.

But numerous twitter feeds and facebook posts were quick to discount this as spin, as tens of thousands of people explained that they had been hoping he wasn’t going to come on at all.

Unemployed father of

February 19, 2013

Everyone finally understands horrors of Eurovision

by philapilus
A map of Europe showing how many times each co...

This WHO guide shows which countries produce music that could seriously damage your brain and/or ears, in ascending order of awfulness

Controversy over Germany’s 2013 Eurovision entry may signal the end of the mass-myopia that has allowed the song contest to survive, according to the results of a poll published today.

Researchers approached members of the public across Europe, and played them the German song ‘Glorious’ followed by last year’s winning Swedish song ‘Euphoria’.

Then the researcher would reveal that both were Eurovision entries, and hold up a very big card, with the word “SEE?” written on it, in


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