Archive for ‘Journalism’

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

August 26, 2014

Salmond ‘wins’ independence debate that no one listened to

by philapilus

“I will crush his pudgy little head”

Political commentators have agreed that Alex Salmond should be declared the victor of last night’s televised Scottish independence debate “for the sake of balance”, after the First Minister’s previous drubbing at the hands of Alistair Darling.The general feeling amonsgt attending journalists and pundits was that “As no one heard a word either man said – because we all fell asleep the moment it started – we thought we’d just give it to Alex this time, to even things out.”

Terry Thomas, political analyst for some shitty newspaper with ‘Mail’ in the title, represented the general consensus when he said “I fell asleep during the first one too, but gave it to Alistair because he’s thinner, and I fucking hate little fat men. But then my sister, who is fat, told me that was

August 22, 2014

IS: ‘Our motivations are holy, pure, noble, and maybe a teeny little bit financial’

by philapilus

It’s almost certainly NOT about being unable to pull

A spokesman for theocratic fundamentalist Jihadists, Islamic State, has explained that the $132m ransom it initially demanded for the return of murdered journalist James Foley was “Absolutely definitely in line with the Koran, and I’ll probably even remember which bit in a minute.”

Foley’s slaughter, apparently “Motivated by the need to do God’s bidding”, is mentioned in a new television ad-campaign IS has launched to prove that its actions “Are profoundly just, and not simply the work of a bunch of misogynist, hypocritical, backward cunts”.

Set against a backdrop of Butlins-style holiday camps, the ad features a

August 14, 2014

Mingers to get their A-level results a day late again

by philapilus

“Ok, on 3 everyone jump up and cheer – those of you we didn’t speak to earlier, please make sure you’re facing in the opposite direction. Everyone ready?”

Unattractive people who took A-Levels this year will once again be denied their results today, leaving the media free to focus on just the pretty ones.

Newspaper editors signalled their approval, after the DfE announced exam boards had only graded the papers of pupils rated at least 8 out of 10 by a board of lecherous teachers.

Ofsted inspector Roger Kidd said “Do I think it’s wrong? Hell no! No one wants to see a fatty jumping up and down excitedly, the outer regions of her stomach wobbling like blancmange.

“Grading attractive students ahead of

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in

June 29, 2014

TMB’s news catch-up

by philapilus
"How do I keep getting away with this??!!"

“How do I keep getting away with this???!!”

Those of our readers not forced to visit this website as part of a community sentence order will have been sad to note that, due to unforeseen circumstances, the Morning Babel has been offline for the past week.

This has been down to an insurmountable technical hitch, involving difficulties locating a computer’s ‘On’ button. It had absolutely nothing to do with the megalomaniac, benzedrine-hopped editor killing the entire

June 19, 2014

MPs delighted as man who asked difficult questions retires

by philapilus

big nasty man with clever brain has to go away now

Politicians breathed a sigh of relief yesterday, after Jeremy Paxman presented Newsnight for the last time ever.

Many MPs heralded “A new dawn” and “A golden age for politics”, and enthused over the possibilities of giving interviews in which they will no longer have to say anything they don’t want to.

Michael Howard, who famously tussled with the presenter over a refusal to answer a question which threatened to reveal what a

June 19, 2014

Shock as conservative paper suggests Cameron is better than Miliband

by philapilus

“Even the alphabet is against him, with these ethereal floating letters standing for ‘Conservatives’ll beat ‘im’!” said the Times newspaper

The world of politics was rocked to its very core this morning, after the right-leaning Times newspaper announced that they reckoned the left-leaning leader of the Labour party wouldn’t cut it as Prime Minister.

The Times said that research indicated 53% of people thought ‘Red Ed’ was “a huge twat”, with a further 11% reckoning him to be “a big gaylord”.

Only 23% of people said they would vote for Miliband, according to the Times’ surveys, although the paper stresses “All of those 23% had mental health problems.”

A Times spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “The

June 18, 2014

Football incredibly boring without shouty man

by philapilus

RIP Phil Neville, 1926-2014, mobbed by a gang of football fans as he hobbled to the shop for a packet of Custard Creams.

Football fans admitted yesterday that ‘the beautiful game’ is actually unbelievably tedious, and virtually unwatchable, without somebody vaguely famous jabbering excitedly throughout the match.

Realisation struck after ex-footballer, Phil Neville, commentated on a game without resorting to hyperbole, yelling, or ejaculating in his pants whilst shouting at players who couldn’t hear him – leaving fans across the country disappointed and bored.

Lorry driver Tim Twanks, who has described himself as ‘football-crazy’ since the age of three, said “I was with

June 13, 2014

Tony Blair: ‘Iraq civil war will vindicate our actions’

by philapilus

We might as well just go over there again; third time lucky and all that

Tony Blair said today that the escalating disaster in Iraq has definitively vindicated “that whole thing a couple of years back where we rode in and saved the day, and then everything was fine.”

After Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani called upon Shia Muslims to fight back against the Sunni insurgency, the former Prime Minister said that a civil war would be “the truest demonstration of democracy possible.”

Blair said “Look, it’s like this; I know what you’re all thinking – ‘maybe that invasion wasn’t the absolutely greatest idea in human history after all’.

“But I want you to rest easy, and have a clear

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