Archive for ‘Journalism’

February 26, 2015

Elderly lady falls over at Brits

by philapilus
File:Madonna à Nice 30 2.jpg

“In MY day everyone was respectable and wore ties”

There was bemusement at the Brit Awards last night, after a confused OAP wandered onto the stage during a song, and then fell down some stairs.

The woman, Ms M. Ciccone, seemed unharmed after the fall. Although members of the dance troupe then on stage tried to help her, she pushed them away, scolding “You young ‘uns don’t know you’re born! I’ve  fallen over more times than you’ve had hot dinners!”

She then fell over again, breaking an ankle, which left her squawking in pain for

February 18, 2015

Jon Snow “became burglar to support drugs habit”

by philapilus
File:Jon Snow.jpg

Snow toking on a disguised bong. Note how out of focus the drugs make him appear

Veteran newsreader Jon Snow was arrested by police this morning, after being discovered apparently  burgling the house of Sir Trevor McDonald.

Snow recently participated in a medical trial smoking skunk for a Channel 4 documentary, and subsequently graduated from the potent cannabis to crack, and then heroin, in the space of twenty minutes.

A police spokesman said “As we all know, using any form of drug whatsoever immediately leads to using all of the others, selling your body to fat truck drivers, and then robbing your

February 6, 2015

Publishers hoping To Kill a Mockingbird sequel will feature wizards and vampires

by philapilus
File:Atticus and Tom Robinson in court.gif

“Maybe Atticus Finch has given up the unprofitable underdog lawsuits, and now runs a Secret Service school for turning delinquent kids into superspies? And his best friend is a giant robot.”

Publishers waiting to get their hands on Harper Lee’s manuscript Go Set A Watchman, said today they are hoping it will be very much in keeping with the current zeitgeist, with a plot that brings together wizards, angry dwarves, and a love triangle between a werewolf, a vampire and a zombie.

According to a spokesman for HarperCollins; “The sequel, which was actually written at the same time as To Kill A Mockingbird, will ideally continue the story of the impetuous Jean Louise ‘Scout’ Finch, and follow her enrolling in Pigverrucas School of Wizardry, battling other children as part of a

January 30, 2015

WW1 soldiers ‘melodramatic pansies’ over gas attacks

by philapilus

“Well they can still bloody walk can’t they? What are they complaining about??”

The BBC has claimed that during the First World War soldiers fighting in the trenches were “A bunch of screaming pansies” when it came to poison gas.

In an article on its website celebrating the centenary of the first major gas attack, journalist Stanley Aubergine said “Basically, if you read over the evidence, these so-called ‘men’ were quaking in their boots as the green deadly vapour rolled unstoppably over the blood-soaked earth towards them.

“Our farmboys and factory workers should really have shown a bit more backbone, and not

January 23, 2015

7-party debates replaced with 93-party debates

by philapilus

Police try to hold back political party leaders as they storm the BBC studios

The breaking news that televised UK political debates may now include seven parties, has been immediately superseded by the news that in fact nineteen parties will be involved. This statement in turn has instantly been made null and void since we wrote it, by the news that twenty-six party leaders will now be debating.

The debates, scheduled to take place ahead of the general election later this year, were initially going to involve only the three main parties; Conservatives, Labour and Ukip. But after much argument between the prime minister and other leaders, the inclusion of smaller parties has now been put forward.

Political analyst Tim Twanks said “After

January 20, 2015

The Sun becomes ‘force for good’ with end of Page 3

by philapilus

Really desperate tossers could always rotate the page 90 degrees, and pretend this is a large bosom…

The Sun announced today it will be scrapping topless photos, leading everyone to agree that the paper is now basically brilliant, and on its way to becoming a commendable bastion of British journalism.

Sun reader Wendy Nailinthehead said “Before, when they showed women with their knockers out, the Sun was a filthy vessel of

January 19, 2015

Religious leaders ask Cameron to explain relevance of MPs to Britain

by philapilus

Eric arriving at a press conference on his giant black moth

Senior religious figures have written an open letter to the Prime Minister, asking “how the complete fuckwits composing the political class can possibly be seen as contributing to British identity.”

The letter follows one written to Muslim leaders by Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, (once favourably described as ‘like the bloated turd that inevitably blocks the only toilet at a house party’). In his letter, Pickles asked Muslims to explain why rabid xenophobic Britons shouldn’t be allowed to just beat the shit out of them.

Imam Abdul Iqbal said “I thought long and hard about the ways that

January 13, 2015

Birmingham ‘Not Jihadi training camp, but still very shit’

by philapilus

Of course Birmingham’s not ALL bad; it does have some lovely parks, like this one

Residents of Birmingham were reminded today that whilst it is true the city is not a Muslim-only enclave peopled by violent adherents to Sharia law, it is nevertheless still a shithole.

Many people were irate after Fox News broadcast an interview with Steven Emerson, in which the professional village idiot said Birmingham was full of rabid terrorists.

Emerson’s claims that “Birmingham is Muslim-only, and that every man, woman and

January 7, 2015

Satire stopped forever to please fundamentalists

by philapilus

Such a good argument

After the brutal slaughter of civilians at French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, the international satirical community has conceded that hardline fundamentalists have clearly won the intellectual argument.

The murders, apparently committed by Islamic extremists, have shown political pomposity-pricking humorists everywhere that having a bit of a laugh at horrible people is just not on.

Satire-recusant Tim Twanks said “There is literally nothing worse in the world than having a bit of a laugh at someone who’s an arsehole.

“Seriously. If you’re a

January 1, 2015

2014 in Headlines

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2a/Nigel_Farage_Autumn_2008.JPG

Farage beat Kelly Brook to become Mail Online’s ‘Most Beloved Person’

Here at TMB we have Googled tirelessly, for more than three minutes, to remind you of the major news headlines from 2014. This is in no way because our entire reporting staff called in sick with epic hangovers, preventing us from giving you any actual news.

 

Blair rejects Nobel Peace Prize “The money’s shit; I’m insulted”

Eastwood finally guns down Eli Wallach

British public loses battle of wits with puddle

Harrods boss: “Everything I

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