Archive for ‘Journalism’

November 18, 2014

Miliband nearly defeats small child in debate

by philapilus

In what has become a very unhealthy pattern, Ed once again tried to overcome his misery by comfort-eating until he threw up

After what Ed Miliband’s supporters called his “completely unfair ambush” at the hands of political heavyweight, Myleene Klass, the leader of the opposition rallied this morning, and performed incredibly well in an argument with a 10 year old.

Miliband was seen leaving the ITV studios in tears yesterday, where Klass had destroyed him on The Agenda programme with questions like “Are you sure you’ve thought this Mansion Tax through?” and “Don’t you have any other plans?”

But this morning Miliband was not so easily cowed by pupil Samantha Furcup, age 10, who said to

November 6, 2014

Dismay after Brand not amongst ‘Guy Fawkes’ Protest arrests

by philapilus

“Viva la Changey-wangey! Up the Reds! Four legs good two legs bad! Bow down for I am your God! All that kinda stuff, orwight??”

Organisers of the so-called ‘Guy Fawkes’ protest in central London yesterday expressed their bitter disappointment that self-styled revolutionary Russell Brand was not amongst those arrested by the police.

Anonymous’s spokesperson said that although they were attempting to dismantle the capitalist state, and naturally loathed the totalitarian-supporting police force, Brand was amongst those they were “really fucking hoping would get thrown into a cell yesterday.”

Russell Brand was one of several celebrities taking part in the Million Masks March, where

November 6, 2014

World responds to US Republican victory

by philapilus

“The amount that we do not care what you think is impossible to express in any other way”

After the Republican party took control of the Senate in the mid-term elections, the rest of the world collectively sent the US an email, saying “Oh for fuck’s sake, America.”

All around the globe, people – many of whom aren’t very well-informed about US politics -chastised the American public for not being very well-informed about US politics, and for electing a bunch of right wing nutjobs.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, Head of USAology at the Slough School of Despondency said “It’s miserably depressing that a country where the majority are spiralling ever

October 16, 2014

BBC to offer tips on ‘most dangerous poker games’

by philapilus

“You should bet your house and family on Black 17″ said John Humphreys this morning on the Today programme

The BBC has announced that it will be expanding its advice to gamblers, from simple horse tips to how to locate the really full-on poker games where you can lose all your fingers.

BBC Spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Whilst we have always provided an admirable information service for those who fancy a ‘flutter’ on the horses, we have never really reached out to the other gambling communities.

“The

October 10, 2014

Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has

October 7, 2014

Satan blasts Katie Hopkins’ ‘lack of restraint’

by philapilus

Beelzebub is a hot piece of ass compared with Hopkins

The Devil used his weekly phone-in session on Hampshire local radio to deride Katie Hopkins this morning, after she attacked the McCanns on Twitter.

On his Eagle Radio slot, Lucifer called Hopkins a “moneygrubbing media-whore”, and went on to add “She is viler than

September 16, 2014

Some vote or something going on in Scotland…?

by philapilus

“Is this their flag? I think this is their flag…”

People throughout the UK have been surprised to learn this lunchtime that there is going to be some kind of referendum or something taking place in Scotland – apparently really quite soon.

The ‘Scottish vote’ was first mentioned this morning on local radio in Torquay, during a phone-in session about the drawbacks of catsitting, but has gradually been picked up by the main news organs during the course of the morning.

The three main UK political parties and the Scottish National Party all admitted they were not in a position to comment on the forthcoming vote, because none of them could quite remember anything about it.

But the

September 8, 2014

Duchess of Cambridge’s foetus opposes Scottish independence

by philapilus

Very much of the opinion that Scotland needs to stay in the union.

The news that Prince William and Kate are expecting their second child has had a huge effect on the Scottish referendum question, with the No campaign claiming that “If the Scots vote for independence they will be deliberately rebelling against a helpless, unborn Royal foetus. Heartless Bastards.”

Alistair Darling said “Naturally the second-born child of the son of the heir to the British throne has a vested interest in maintaining the integrity of the United Kingdom, and does not want to see a sizeable – if truculent, uncouth and pasty – portion of the population pull away.

“The foetus is very definitely in the ‘No’ camp, and nothing that Alex ‘Fishface’ Salmond can say or do will

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

August 26, 2014

Salmond ‘wins’ independence debate that no one listened to

by philapilus

“I will crush his pudgy little head”

Political commentators have agreed that Alex Salmond should be declared the victor of last night’s televised Scottish independence debate “for the sake of balance”, after the First Minister’s previous drubbing at the hands of Alistair Darling.The general feeling amonsgt attending journalists and pundits was that “As no one heard a word either man said - because we all fell asleep the moment it started - we thought we’d just give it to Alex this time, to even things out.”

Terry Thomas, political analyst for some shitty newspaper with ‘Mail’ in the title, represented the general consensus when he said “I fell asleep during the first one too, but gave it to Alistair because he’s thinner, and I fucking hate little fat men. But then my sister, who is fat, told me that was

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