Archive for ‘Journalism’

November 23, 2015

EXCLUSIVE POLL! 1 in 5 writers for The Sun would DROWN A DOG!

by unpseudable

Tom Newton Dunn, Political Editor of The Sun wants to DROWN THIS DOG*

An exclusive TMB poll of current writers for The Sun newspaper has revealed that a shocking 19% would voluntarily drown a dog.

Furthermore, a shocking 38% of respondents said yes they would ‘probably’ or ‘definitely’ burn every tree on the planet.

Ethics guru, Gary Uru responded to these shocking statistics. “These shocking statistics reveal the depth to which those on the payroll of The Sun might hypothetically sink.  Well, we always knew that people who wrote for the paper had more in common with the cockroach than you or me,

October 12, 2015

Andrew Marr is not really allowed to park his fucking green scooter outside the front door, say BBC chiefs

by philapilus

“I don’t give a fuck” said megalomaniac Marr

Senior staff at the BBC have said that Andy Marr has “positively absolutely definitely NOT got permission to leave that stupid green scooter outside the front fucking door.”

The revelation comes after compliance officers investigated complaints that Marr has a God-complex.

On reviewing footage from the opening sequence of the Andrew Marr show, they notice

September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s

August 10, 2015

“Some of my best friends menstruate” says Trump

by philapilus

“Turtle-faced little piece of shit”

Donald Trump has lashed out at critics after his attack on a Fox journalist, and insisted he did not imply she was menstruating, but added “Even if I had said she was menstruating like a stuck pig, I would only have meant it in a really positive way.”

The tycoon, who had said publicly that Megyn Kelly was “bleeding out of her wherever” continued “I mean, obviously menstruation is gross, unnatural, dirty – and frankly just done to grab attention, but apart from that, I think it’s great.

“Some of my best friends are women. Or at

July 20, 2015

Queen “not a Nazi”, unlike most of her family

by philapilus

The Duke of Windsor making new friends

Buckingham Palace has responded angrily to the release of footage of the young Princess Elizabeth giving a Nazi salute in 1933, saying that the Queen is no fascist, even if the rest of the family are.Sir Percy Spoke, Keeper of the Queen’s Loo-roll said “Her Majesty deplores Hitler, National Socialism, the Holocaust, and all of the horrors of Nazi rule. Making a silly gesture as a seven-year-old does not equate to any sort of ideological support.

“It’s not like she’s Edward VIII, Prince Philip, Prince Harry, Prin- actually hang on, can we just back up a second? You didn’t record that last bit did you? Oh shit.”


July 7, 2015

Daily Mail to make official policy decisions on terrorism

by philapilus

The Daily Mail: literally never wrong, nor batshit mad

It has been announced that the Daily Mail will be allowed to make key decisions regarding the fate of British Jihadis, after the former head of counter-terrorism said he thought their ideas were “on the money”.

Robert Quick said “I was working through the policy implications of letting homegrown Islamists join IS provided they agree never to come back, when I suddenly realised that I was basically quoting a Daily Mail article by John Littlerick, saying we should ‘bloody well send ’em out there and good riddance’.

“I started to look through back issues, and found pretty much the same thing had been expressed on every page for a decade. Ever since 7/7 Britain’s meanest-minded journalists have encouraged everyone to think we should stick the towelheads on a plane, then tell them to fuck off and not

June 28, 2015

“ISIS delighted by gay marriage verdict” says CNN

by philapilus

CNN also revealed this ISIS cell “taking time out from its busy programme of repression and violence to celebrate hot man-on-man action”

CNN has said ISIS is “completely thrilled” by the US Supreme Court’s decision to legalise gay marriage nationwide.

The revelation came after star correspondent Lucy Pawle reported spotting the fundamentalist religious organisation’s flag at a gay pride event in London.

A spokesman for CNN said “I know you’re all probably quite surprised by this, but ISIS are huge fans of gay marriage. Or ‘marriage’ as we should all just get used to calling it.

“Yeah, ISIS are kind of

June 23, 2015

Mark Cavendish shock revelation: ‘sprint cycling is not like going bowling’

by philapilus

“Not much like changing into your pyjamas either” explains Cavendish

Sprint cyclist Mark Cavendish has blown the lid off the secretive world of the sport, after dropping the bombshell that “Cycling’s not similar to chess, ten-pin bowling, sumo wrestling or juggling in any way whatsoever – it’s actually quite unique.”

The world champion offered these important insights in an interview with the BBC – a major journalistic coup for the organisation, as until now everyone had imagined cycling was a bit like putting up shelves, or maybe cooking a risotto.

BBC spokesperson Percy Spoke said “It’s extraordinary. Cavendish has revealed the arcane secrets of the sport, and explained that when you’re on the saddle, you sort of push the pedals, they

May 14, 2015

“DEATH TO DEPP’S DOGS!!” screams Australian Minister

by philapilus

Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular

Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.

Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.

Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and

May 13, 2015

‘Game of 72’ disappearances welcomed by parents

by philapilus

“No officer, it wasn’t a struggle with kidnappers. This is just the mess the little shit always leaves. Anyway, there’s no hurry to get him back; take your time.”

A supposed social media ‘game’ encouraging children to disappear for 72 hours, has been applauded by parents of absolute little shits.

Police in France warned the general public to be vigilant with their children, after a girl called Emma went missing for three days – which she later claimed was part of an online challange.

But though warnings have spread many parents have expressed their support for the ‘Game of 72’, even encouraging kids to participate.

Parent Mike Ock said “I have personally


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