Archive for ‘Journalism’

April 7, 2014

Palace visitors queuing to be threatened at gunpoint

by philapilus

Hordes of tourists are thronging the Mall this afternoon, and queuing all the way down the Strand, for the opportunity to have a rifle waved in their faces by a Queen’s Guardsman.

On their way to beat the crap out of some annoying French schoolkids

The exciting new visitor attraction was unveiled on Friday, when a lucky member of the public had a gun with fixed bayonet shoved within 12 inches of his noseholes.

Traffic in Trafalgar Square was brought to a standstill by mid-morning today, and Buckingham Palace announced

March 28, 2014

Giant rodent ‘Morganzilla’ found in Swedish kitchen

by philapilus

Many Swedes say they have been unable to sleep since seeing pictures of the rodent, and feel constantly sullied and dirty.

Pictures of a giant Piers Morgan caught in a trap have taken Swedish social media by storm, after a Stockholm family captured the oversize rodent in their kitchen.

Father of four, Eric Ericsson, said to Swedish SVT news “We noticed a foul stench coming from the kitchen, accompanied by a horrible chattering sound.

“I opened the door, and there was this horrible creature sitting there, it’s massive, bloated head between its legs so it could lick its

March 27, 2014

North Korean revolution begins

by philapilus
Kim Jong-Un clapping

The must-have hairstyle for that ‘I’m a batshit mad perverted donkey-fucker’ look, that’s so ‘in’ this season

Preliminary reports suggest that bloody revolution is taking place in North Korea, after attempts to make Kim Jong-Un’s hairstyle mandatory for all men resulted in “all the barbers going completely fucking mental”.

The revolt began on Tuesday, after officials proclaimed the compulsory hairstyle via state media. Within an hour of the announcement, incensed hairdressers had downed their scissors, then, having literally nothing else, picked them up again, and stormed government buildings.

A cohort of angry barbers decimated the people’s army in a vicious battle for Pyongyang, and Kim Jong-un was forced to retreat to the countryside to regroup his

March 27, 2014

Winnie the Pooh preventing your child from being a genius

by philapilus

Presumably if you know their names you are thicker than porridge

A team from Toronto University has announced that your children would be a bunch of veritable Einsteins by now, if it weren’t for the fact that you read them stories about Paddington Bear, and Peter Rabbit.

Dr Wendy Nailinthehead said “Our research proves that exposing children to the callous lies encoded in texts like ‘The House at Pooh Corner’, will completely destroy their chances of ever getting into a decent university.

“It is precisely because very small children persist in the dangerous delusion, for about a year or so, that animals can talk, that our society is not yet peopled with a master-race of genius-intellectuals.

“Basically

March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

March 19, 2014

Tony Benn could share Thatcher honours

by philapilus

“It might look grand, but essentially it’s just a place where morons scream at each other, with as much probity as retarded children fighting over a stick in a forest”

After John Bercow’s suggestion that Tony Benn’s remains lie in state in the Parliament chapel, the Labour party has formally asked that he receive the other honours bestowed upon Margaret Thatcher after her death.

Ed Miliband announced to the Conservatives that “As Mr Benn was such an incredible statesman, a member of this house for five decades, and a person of great integrity, we would like to honour his remains, in the same way that we all did the corpse of that insane tyrant.

“We were hoping you would join us in curbing your seething resentment, and at least giving the semblance of being sorry he’s dead, whilst we drone on and on about how great he was for

March 18, 2014

Missing plane MH370 was carrying the news

by philapilus

“Stop the press. Literally.”

After 10 days of not being able to find the news, news agencies around the world have realised that most – in fact probably all – of it was on board the missing jet, MH370.

The Malaysian Airlines flight vanished without trace on 8th March, the exact same date that almost all the news disappeared. Until now this was thought to be a coincidence.

But news-sleuth, Crapname Morse, said “After wide-ranging searches, undertaken by the international community, we have concluded that the missing news was on board the missing plane, which is why there hasn’t been any other news since it went off the radar.

“Our only

March 17, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Matty on the Left’s Losses

by philapilus

In a special double-bill we bring you a second daily cartoon today, syndicated from the Daily Torygraph, and drawn by that hilarious stalwart of the black and white cartoons-about-the-right-being-better-than-the-left scene, Matty. This week Matty has made a cartoon about

March 17, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Belle on the budget

by philapilus

Once again we bring you the daily cartoon syndicated from sister paper the Grauniad! Today satirist Stefan Belle has, with outstanding, impartial insight, cut right to the heart of the budget debate! No wonder they call him “one of the least irrelevant 18th century

March 11, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Bob Crow’s passing

by philapilus

Once again the Guardian’s Stefan Belle turns the acerbic blowtorch of his scintillating wit onto the news of the day. Here Belle mourns the passing of a titan, and the inevitable mean-spiritedness of those awful Tories!

This cartoon is

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