Archive for ‘Journalism’

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in

June 29, 2014

TMB’s news catch-up

by philapilus
"How do I keep getting away with this??!!"

“How do I keep getting away with this???!!”

Those of our readers not forced to visit this website as part of a community sentence order will have been sad to note that, due to unforeseen circumstances, the Morning Babel has been offline for the past week.

This has been down to an insurmountable technical hitch, involving difficulties locating a computer’s ‘On’ button. It had absolutely nothing to do with the megalomaniac, benzedrine-hopped editor killing the entire

June 19, 2014

MPs delighted as man who asked difficult questions retires

by philapilus

big nasty man with clever brain has to go away now

Politicians breathed a sigh of relief yesterday, after Jeremy Paxman presented Newsnight for the last time ever.

Many MPs heralded “A new dawn” and “A golden age for politics”, and enthused over the possibilities of giving interviews in which they will no longer have to say anything they don’t want to.

Michael Howard, who famously tussled with the presenter over a refusal to answer a question which threatened to reveal what a

June 19, 2014

Shock as conservative paper suggests Cameron is better than Miliband

by philapilus

“Even the alphabet is against him, with these ethereal floating letters standing for ‘Conservatives’ll beat ‘im’!” said the Times newspaper

The world of politics was rocked to its very core this morning, after the right-leaning Times newspaper announced that they reckoned the left-leaning leader of the Labour party wouldn’t cut it as Prime Minister.

The Times said that research indicated 53% of people thought ‘Red Ed’ was “a huge twat”, with a further 11% reckoning him to be “a big gaylord”.

Only 23% of people said they would vote for Miliband, according to the Times’ surveys, although the paper stresses “All of those 23% had mental health problems.”

A Times spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “The

June 18, 2014

Football incredibly boring without shouty man

by philapilus

RIP Phil Neville, 1926-2014, mobbed by a gang of football fans as he hobbled to the shop for a packet of Custard Creams.

Football fans admitted yesterday that ‘the beautiful game’ is actually unbelievably tedious, and virtually unwatchable, without somebody vaguely famous jabbering excitedly throughout the match.

Realisation struck after ex-footballer, Phil Neville, commentated on a game without resorting to hyperbole, yelling, or ejaculating in his pants whilst shouting at players who couldn’t hear him – leaving fans across the country disappointed and bored.

Lorry driver Tim Twanks, who has described himself as ‘football-crazy’ since the age of three, said “I was with

June 13, 2014

Tony Blair: ‘Iraq civil war will vindicate our actions’

by philapilus

We might as well just go over there again; third time lucky and all that

Tony Blair said today that the escalating disaster in Iraq has definitively vindicated “that whole thing a couple of years back where we rode in and saved the day, and then everything was fine.”

After Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani called upon Shia Muslims to fight back against the Sunni insurgency, the former Prime Minister said that a civil war would be “the truest demonstration of democracy possible.”

Blair said “Look, it’s like this; I know what you’re all thinking – ‘maybe that invasion wasn’t the absolutely greatest idea in human history after all’.

“But I want you to rest easy, and have a clear

June 13, 2014

Sun in ‘posing with Miliband’ gaffe

by philapilus
Datei:Ed Miliband (2010).jpg

“At least he wasn’t topless though”

The Sun newspaper has apologised to readers for a “Huge error in judgement”, after a publicity photograph was released showing the paper in the hands of Ed Miliband.

A spokesman for the paper said “We’re sorry, this was a huge oversight on our part, and it won’t happen again.

“We overlooked the fact that our readers want nothing to do with dangerous liberal pinko Marxists whose fathers were traitors, and who boil babies in their cots for fun whilst singing the French national anthem.”

Readers of the Sun expressed

June 11, 2014

Catastrophe in Mosul as OH LOOK, FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Presumably Mosul didn’t make it past the qualifiers, because they’re not in any of the groups as far as we can see

Around half a million refugees have fled the city of Mosul after Islamist militants did something or other that will probably sort itself out and be absolutely fine, because IT’S THE FRICKIN’ WORLD CUP!

Middle East experts said today “The next few weeks are going to be amazing, with absolutely and completely non-stop football; football games, football analysis, football interviews, football adverts, and everyone brilliantly never shutting-the-fuck-up about the football.

“It’s going to be

June 6, 2014

“Would you say you’re about to die any moment now?” BBC asks D-Day veterans

by philapilus
D-day veterans on Sword Beach as a military aircraft flys past

Oh, get on with it

Reporters covering the ceremonies for the 70th anniversary of D-Day, have spent the morning interviewing the handful of veterans who are still alive – principally about when this state of affairs will cease to exist.

BBC defence correspondent Caroline Wyatt said “I am here in Normandy with Major Lesley Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, one of the last surviving field commanders from the Landings.

“Major, you’re very, very old; do you think you’ll die in the next few minutes? Maybe even during this interview? Are you sure? Well, what if you tried a bit harder, perhaps?”

The bewildered huddle of

June 2, 2014

BBC ‘No intention of sacking Justin Bieber’ over N-word fiasco

by philapilus
"I am SO sorry, honestly..."

“I am SO sorry, honestly…”

The BBC announced today that they “had no plans to terminate Justin Bieber’s employment” after footage emerged of the singer using the ‘N-word’ in a racist joke.

A spokesman said “In line with corporation policy, we have investigated the matter, and on discovering that Bieber is rich and famous, have decided it would not be in the public interest to do anything more than offer a mild reprimand.

“The BBC stands by its established procedure for dealing with alleged racial incidents, which is to refer the incident to the Clarkson-Lowe scale.

“Broadly speaking, the

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