Archive for ‘International’

May 28, 2015

Blair takes up new role as Middle East ‘war envoy’

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/84/Tony_Blair%2C_UK_Prime_Minister_%281997-2007%29_%288228591861%29.jpg/623px-Tony_Blair%2C_UK_Prime_Minister_%281997-2007%29_%288228591861%29.jpg

Just an all-round great feller

The former British prime minister Tony Blair has said his decision to step down as peace envoy to the middle east was motivated by “the offer of a much more interesting role as war ambassador to the region.”

Blair’s tenure as peace envoy was always troubled by accusations that he was the wrong man for the job. Partly because he had previously been involved in destroying quite a bit of the Middle East, and partly because he achieved fuck-all in 8 years.

But after quitting the post yesterday, he told reporters “I’ve assessed my options to contribute to the world and decided – by which I mean ‘have been offered a much better salary’ –  to spread war and discord instead.

“Sort of like a

May 21, 2015

ISIS to assume curatorial duties in Palmyra

by philapilus

Deeply fond of culture

Islamic State militants announced today that they would be taking over the curating and preservation of the UNESCO World Heritage Site of Palmyra, the ruins of which are amongst the most important in the ancient world.

The IS spokesman for antiquities, Abdul ‘the beheader’ Aziz, said “People think that all we do is go around barbarically destroying anything that doesn’t fit a very specific and medieval version of Islam. But that’s not true.

“For instance, as an archaeologist, I am fascinated by the Temple of Bel, even if it is a place of heathen worship, and… oh hang on, sorry, I think that explosion was probably the temple. Well, to be fair, we probably had to do that one.

“But just look at all the

May 14, 2015

“DEATH TO DEPP’S DOGS!!” screams Australian Minister

by philapilus

Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular

Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.

Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.

Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and

May 13, 2015

‘Game of 72′ disappearances welcomed by parents

by philapilus

“No officer, it wasn’t a struggle with kidnappers. This is just the mess the little shit always leaves. Anyway, there’s no hurry to get him back; take your time.”

A supposed social media ‘game’ encouraging children to disappear for 72 hours, has been applauded by parents of absolute little shits.

Police in France warned the general public to be vigilant with their children, after a girl called Emma went missing for three days – which she later claimed was part of an online challange.

But though warnings have spread many parents have expressed their support for the ‘Game of 72′, even encouraging kids to participate.

Parent Mike Ock said “I have personally

May 5, 2015

Scandinavian gunmen open fire at US ‘Draw Thor’ competition

by philapilus

We can’t show Thor wielding it, for fear of reprisals

Norse mythology extremists have been killed by police, after opening fire at contestants attending a ‘Draw Thor’ competition in Dallas yesterday.

The masked gunmen were shot dead by a traffic policeman, in an exchange of fire following a savage attack, which mercifully left no one harmed other than the perpetrators.

The event’s organiser, controversial anti-Thorian and free speech advocate, Frank Castle, said “This kind of religious extremism is absolutely intolerable in

May 1, 2015

Mayweather Sr pens poem for Pacquiao trainer Freddie Roach

by philapilus

“Yep,” said Floyd Jr, “that’s my dad! A true romantic.”

In an unusual move, Floyd Mayweather’s father has addressed the coach of his son’s opponent through the medium of poetry, ahead of Saturday’s title fight.

The fight, which will be the richest in the sport’s history, has involved a lot of trash talk and accusations flying between the two camps, but Floyd Mayweather Sr seems to have offered an olive branch to Freddie Roach with his touching ode.

Mayweather Sr said “This goes out to my man Freddie:

“When combatants in combat meet,

To vie for victory’s taste, so sweet,

There must, alas! be joy and tears,

Defeat; the

April 22, 2015

New Zealand PM told ‘pulling hair isn’t foreplay’

by philapilus

“Sorry, sorry; tell me again, last time I promise. It’s just really hard to remember. Does no mean yes, or does yes mean no?”

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, has been sternly reminded today that he isn’t 9 years old, and asked to refrain from pulling the hair of girls he fancies.

Key has had to formally apologise to a waitress whose ponytail he has been habitually pulling for months. Witnesses said however that his contrition was slightly ruined by his subsequent request to grope the waitress’s boobs, by way of making it up to her.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said “Mr Key does not consider a bit of light ponytail-tugging to be abusive, any more than a quick slap on the bum would be. It’s

April 21, 2015

‘If we don’t kill all the whales they’ll die’, warns Japan

by philapilus

Saving the species, one whale at a time

Japan has criticised the International Whaling Committee for rejecting its latest proposed hunting programme, and has warned that without substantially increased rates of slaughter, the whales might all die out.

A Japanese official said “The laws against whaling, imposed by so-called “experts” at the International Court of Justice, represent astonishing scientific ignorance.

“Do they really think that if we let these succulent, delicious creatures live, there’s some sort of chance they won’t all die out? Ridiculous! Imagine a

April 10, 2015

Clarkson frontrunner for new British Museum director

by philapilus

It’s thought that Clarkson will turn the famous round reading room into a motorcycle ‘globe of death’

It has emerged that disgraced Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, has become the bookies’ favourite for the soon-to-be vacated top job at the British Museum.

Speculation grew after Clarkson pulled out of a scheduled Have I Got News For You appearance, and simultaneously took out some books about pyramids from the children’s section of his local library.

Jeremy’s friend admitted yesterday that “JC just wants a bit of time to brush up on his knowledge of world cultural history. Which is dire.”

Sajid Javid, Minister for

March 25, 2015

Isis in deadly battle with Tusken raiders

by philapilus

“F*ck you, crazy Isis bastards; we’ve got a f*cking X-Wing”

Isis have become locked in deadly combat with the Tusken raiders, after the Jihadis began using Tatooine as an entry-point to Libya.

The spread of Isis throughout the region has typically been marked by the brutal subjugation of local peoples, but experts think that the religious fundamentalists were probably unaware of the presence of an alien race in Tunisia.

Military Analyst, Randy Fukwitz, said “Whilst the sand-people are mostly uninterested in what completely mental humans do in the name of their imaginary magic friends, they

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