Archive for ‘International’

April 10, 2014

Prince George to feature in next ‘Hobbit’ film

by philapilus

Prince George is using his time in New Zealand to pursue his passion for acting it was revealed today, after the son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge was spotted on a Peter Jackson film set.

An artist’s impression of what it might look like if the young Prince got to fight Smaug

Royal spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, said “The Prince is just doing a cameo really, I don’t think he will be fighting the dragon or anything. Although, come to think of it, that would make for some smashingly pertinent iconography .”

Jackson, who is currently filming inserts for the third film in his decology based on J R R Tolkien’s short children’s book, ‘the Hobbit’, said “Actually the Prince was brilliant. He was the right size and everything.

“I mean, he

April 7, 2014

Palace visitors queuing to be threatened at gunpoint

by philapilus

Hordes of tourists are thronging the Mall this afternoon, and queuing all the way down the Strand, for the opportunity to have a rifle waved in their faces by a Queen’s Guardsman.

On their way to beat the crap out of some annoying French schoolkids

The exciting new visitor attraction was unveiled on Friday, when a lucky member of the public had a gun with fixed bayonet shoved within 12 inches of his noseholes.

Traffic in Trafalgar Square was brought to a standstill by mid-morning today, and Buckingham Palace announced

April 7, 2014

Glasgow tower block demolitions opposed by thrifty Scots

by philapilus

“Tha athleets is gon’ haf tae compeet in tha nuddy. We cannae proveed outfits; wurr nae maed o’ money, ye ken?”

A campaign to save the Red Road tower blocks, scheduled for demolition at the opening of the 2014 Commonwealth Games, has been launched by the Scottish ‘Wurr nae maed o’ money, ye ken?’ lobbying group.

Spokesman Tavish McGroin, said “Wheesht tha’ nonsense, will ye? Why blow’t yon tooers, whin they’ll fall doon in a wee millenium or twa anyways fae free?!

“Noo; how muckle ye gon’ gie’s furr spaeken tae ye? Oonly Ahm nae maed o’ money. C’mon, ye cheep basturd, will ye

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 27, 2014

North Korean revolution begins

by philapilus
Kim Jong-Un clapping

The must-have hairstyle for that ‘I’m a batshit mad perverted donkey-fucker’ look, that’s so ‘in’ this season

Preliminary reports suggest that bloody revolution is taking place in North Korea, after attempts to make Kim Jong-Un’s hairstyle mandatory for all men resulted in “all the barbers going completely fucking mental”.

The revolt began on Tuesday, after officials proclaimed the compulsory hairstyle via state media. Within an hour of the announcement, incensed hairdressers had downed their scissors, then, having literally nothing else, picked them up again, and stormed government buildings.

A cohort of angry barbers decimated the people’s army in a vicious battle for Pyongyang, and Kim Jong-un was forced to retreat to the countryside to regroup his

March 27, 2014

Winnie the Pooh preventing your child from being a genius

by philapilus

Presumably if you know their names you are thicker than porridge

A team from Toronto University has announced that your children would be a bunch of veritable Einsteins by now, if it weren’t for the fact that you read them stories about Paddington Bear, and Peter Rabbit.

Dr Wendy Nailinthehead said “Our research proves that exposing children to the callous lies encoded in texts like ‘The House at Pooh Corner’, will completely destroy their chances of ever getting into a decent university.

“It is precisely because very small children persist in the dangerous delusion, for about a year or so, that animals can talk, that our society is not yet peopled with a master-race of genius-intellectuals.

“Basically

March 27, 2014

Sport: Flyweight ‘In/Out’ title, Farage vs Clegg

by philapilus

The best bit was when they had both fucked off

Anticipation ran high ahead of last night’s title-fight for the coveted European ‘In/Out’ belt, and an unprecedented crowd of 147 people arrived – more than have ever come to see either fighter before.

The match was mired in controversy before it even began, after a weigh-in on Tuesday which had seen both men struggle to make the minimum weight limit.

Accusations came from both entourages that the opposing fighter had stuffed his pants, but even

March 26, 2014

Danish zoo: “Lion culling and new ‘Big Game’ restaurant unrelated”

by philapilus

God I could really go for one of those right now; I’m starving

The Danish zoo which gained notoriety for euthanising Marius the giraffe last month has denied that its new culling of four lions is in any way linked to the opening of a new exotic meats restaurant.

Manager of Copenhagen zoo, Pernilla Hvalros, said that ‘Big Game Burger’, which the zoo hopes will one day become an outlet-chain, was “in no way connected with our completely legitimate and necessary killing of big game creatures.”

Hvalros said “Although the menu offers Bacon Double Lion Burgers, and an XL Giraffe-fillet Sandwich, these are just fanciful, playful, product-titles.

“All our burgers are made with meat from the normal cattle; horses, sheep, and maybe the odd cow every now and then.”

March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

March 25, 2014

Selfie donation errors masterminded by polar bears

by philapilus

Contrary to popular belief, many polar bears do wear make-up, especially copious amounts of eye shadow

It was discovered this morning that the donations intended for the ‘no make-up selfie’ campaign which went erroneously to the WWF, were pilfered as part of a clever ursine scam.

Attempts to divert a sizeable portion of the funds into the WWF’s ‘adopt a polar bear’ campaign, were thwarted when Cancer Research UK administrators noticed that the people who came to collect the money were “nine feet tall and considerably more hairy than you’d expect”.

The subsequent evisceration and devouring of said clerks, and a dropped wallet with pictures of fluffy white cubs in it, enabled even the police to work out that the culprits must be polar bears in disguise.

PC McGarry No. 452, of New Scotland Yard’s Arctic Creatures division, said “This is not the first time that animals have attempted to pilfer funds.

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