Archive for ‘International’

July 25, 2014

McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus
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Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board

July 25, 2014

‘Oh NOW you want to get back together’ say ships

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1e/Flickr_-_ronsaunders47_-_NO_MORE_PLEASURE_TRIPS..jpg

“I’ve moved on. Figuratively speaking that is; I mean, I’ve just been sitting here for forty years. But the answer’s still no.”

Ships, ferries and waterborne vessels of all kinds laughed scornfully today, after passengers asked if they could please rekindle their broken relationship.

After yet another devastating plane crash yesterday, this time in Mali, everybody in the world did their normal thing of screaming and running around like headless chickens, then told airplanes it was over for good, and moments later rang up ships, sobbing and begging to be taken back.

Felicity Fergusson, a ferry who used to take people to the continent, before she and others like her were cruelly dumped, said “I thought our love was going to last forever. I mean, I worked my arse off for you. And along come planes, batting their big eyelashes, plumping up their big engines, and you ran away like I was

July 21, 2014

Glaswegians waxing foreheads for 10 days of nuttings

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/48/Zinedine_Zidane_and_Marco_Materazzi_%28retouch%29.jpg/359px-Zinedine_Zidane_and_Marco_Materazzi_%28retouch%29.jpg

The Glasgow Tourist Board has pamphleted the city with Illustrated leaflets reminding the populace how to perform the Glasgow Kiss, and commissioned this uplifting civic sculpture, entitled ‘Glasgow expects every man to do his duty’

Glasgow’s population have been training hard in preparation for the muggings, headbuttings, brutal assaults, and general acts of violence they will be perpetrating during the next fortnight or so, to celebrate the Commonwealth Games.

Visitors from all around the world will flock to the city, with the aim of watching some of the world’s finest athletes compete, although they will, in fact, spend most of their visit lying in gutters moaning, or visiting the city’s overworked casualty wards.

Spokesperson for the Commonwealth Games Federation, Sir Percy Spoke, said “We were desperate not to hold the event in Scotland, but they sent a note threatening ‘tae do youse all in gud an prop’r if ye’ll no hold tha games heeer’, and so we had no choice.

“We have

July 13, 2014

Motorists baffled by ‘eerily pleasant’ driving

by philapilus
File:Half-empty motorway - geograph.org.uk - 1140736.jpg

In unrelated news, apparently there’s some sort of football match on tonight or something?

Drivers expressed considerable surprise this evening, after the UK’s roads suddenly became relatively pleasant to use, on a day that - coincidentally - some sort of world sporting event is also happening.

Famed for being packed with speeding vehicles driven by complete arseholes, who show no apparent knowledge of the Highway Code or indeed basic human morality, Britain’s roads and motorways have generally been considered “roughly as pleasant as being given eye-surgery by a rabid badger, using only its teeth.”

But this evening, traffic moved at a relatively safe, almost legal pace, and instead of screaming and threatening one another, road-users passed on the country’s highways with barely more than an

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

June 18, 2014

Football incredibly boring without shouty man

by philapilus

RIP Phil Neville, 1926-2014, mobbed by a gang of football fans as he hobbled to the shop for a packet of Custard Creams.

Football fans admitted yesterday that ‘the beautiful game’ is actually unbelievably tedious, and virtually unwatchable, without somebody vaguely famous jabbering excitedly throughout the match.

Realisation struck after ex-footballer, Phil Neville, commentated on a game without resorting to hyperbole, yelling, or ejaculating in his pants whilst shouting at players who couldn’t hear him – leaving fans across the country disappointed and bored.

Lorry driver Tim Twanks, who has described himself as ‘football-crazy’ since the age of three, said “I was with

June 16, 2014

Brazil 2014 shock: England supporter thinks Italy shouldn’t have won

by philapilus

“And, right, did you notice how every time the Italians kicked the ball it went a bit further and was more accurate? Remote-controlled, mate. Bloody cheats.”

An England fan has caused a stir this morning, after claiming that Italy definitely didn’t deserve victory on Saturday, adding “We were totally robbed. I blame the ref, and the cheating Eyeties!”

Italy beat England 2:1 by virtue of being a better team, playing better, and scoring more goals.

But the England fan disputed the loss, and monologued for about half an hour on all the things Roy Hodgson should have done differently, including crushing Wayne Rooney’s thick skull with a sledgehammer instead of letting him play.

Footballologist, Tim Buttox, said “It is

June 13, 2014

Tony Blair: ‘Iraq civil war will vindicate our actions’

by philapilus

We might as well just go over there again; third time lucky and all that

Tony Blair said today that the escalating disaster in Iraq has definitively vindicated “that whole thing a couple of years back where we rode in and saved the day, and then everything was fine.”

After Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani called upon Shia Muslims to fight back against the Sunni insurgency, the former Prime Minister said that a civil war would be “the truest demonstration of democracy possible.”

Blair said “Look, it’s like this; I know what you’re all thinking – ‘maybe that invasion wasn’t the absolutely greatest idea in human history after all’.

“But I want you to rest easy, and have a clear

June 11, 2014

Catastrophe in Mosul as OH LOOK, FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Presumably Mosul didn’t make it past the qualifiers, because they’re not in any of the groups as far as we can see

Around half a million refugees have fled the city of Mosul after Islamist militants did something or other that will probably sort itself out and be absolutely fine, because IT’S THE FRICKIN’ WORLD CUP!

Middle East experts said today “The next few weeks are going to be amazing, with absolutely and completely non-stop football; football games, football analysis, football interviews, football adverts, and everyone brilliantly never shutting-the-fuck-up about the football.

“It’s going to be

June 5, 2014

Ritual humiliation of Merkel planned for D-Day anniversary

by philapilus

Merkel tries to remain stoic, after learning Silvio Berlusconi has been invited

World leaders are meeting in France tomorrow for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landings, where it is understood they will line up and take it in turns to break wind in the face of Angela Merkel.

Visiting dignitaries will walk along a short length of red carpet, marked off with gilded rope, at the end of which will be seated the German chancellor, perched on a crude stool.

Each representative will then turn their rear towards Merkel, and let loose up to three anal salutes, which she will be compelled to give the appearance of savouring.

David Cameron, who will be the third Briton to cut the cheese in Merkel’s

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