Archive for ‘International’

May 1, 2015

Mayweather Sr pens poem for Pacquiao trainer Freddie Roach

by philapilus

“Yep,” said Floyd Jr, “that’s my dad! A true romantic.”

In an unusual move, Floyd Mayweather’s father has addressed the coach of his son’s opponent through the medium of poetry, ahead of Saturday’s title fight.

The fight, which will be the richest in the sport’s history, has involved a lot of trash talk and accusations flying between the two camps, but Floyd Mayweather Sr seems to have offered an olive branch to Freddie Roach with his touching ode.

Mayweather Sr said “This goes out to my man Freddie:

“When combatants in combat meet,

To vie for victory’s taste, so sweet,

There must, alas! be joy and tears,

Defeat; the

April 22, 2015

New Zealand PM told ‘pulling hair isn’t foreplay’

by philapilus

“Sorry, sorry; tell me again, last time I promise. It’s just really hard to remember. Does no mean yes, or does yes mean no?”

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, has been sternly reminded today that he isn’t 9 years old, and asked to refrain from pulling the hair of girls he fancies.

Key has had to formally apologise to a waitress whose ponytail he has been habitually pulling for months. Witnesses said however that his contrition was slightly ruined by his subsequent request to grope the waitress’s boobs, by way of making it up to her.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said “Mr Key does not consider a bit of light ponytail-tugging to be abusive, any more than a quick slap on the bum would be. It’s

April 21, 2015

‘If we don’t kill all the whales they’ll die’, warns Japan

by philapilus

Saving the species, one whale at a time

Japan has criticised the International Whaling Committee for rejecting its latest proposed hunting programme, and has warned that without substantially increased rates of slaughter, the whales might all die out.

A Japanese official said “The laws against whaling, imposed by so-called “experts” at the International Court of Justice, represent astonishing scientific ignorance.

“Do they really think that if we let these succulent, delicious creatures live, there’s some sort of chance they won’t all die out? Ridiculous! Imagine a

April 10, 2015

Clarkson frontrunner for new British Museum director

by philapilus

It’s thought that Clarkson will turn the famous round reading room into a motorcycle ‘globe of death’

It has emerged that disgraced Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, has become the bookies’ favourite for the soon-to-be vacated top job at the British Museum.

Speculation grew after Clarkson pulled out of a scheduled Have I Got News For You appearance, and simultaneously took out some books about pyramids from the children’s section of his local library.

Jeremy’s friend admitted yesterday that “JC just wants a bit of time to brush up on his knowledge of world cultural history. Which is dire.”

Sajid Javid, Minister for

March 25, 2015

Isis in deadly battle with Tusken raiders

by philapilus

“F*ck you, crazy Isis bastards; we’ve got a f*cking X-Wing”

Isis have become locked in deadly combat with the Tusken raiders, after the Jihadis began using Tatooine as an entry-point to Libya.

The spread of Isis throughout the region has typically been marked by the brutal subjugation of local peoples, but experts think that the religious fundamentalists were probably unaware of the presence of an alien race in Tunisia.

Military Analyst, Randy Fukwitz, said “Whilst the sand-people are mostly uninterested in what completely mental humans do in the name of their imaginary magic friends, they

March 24, 2015

Credulous simpletons tricked into trawling through faeces

by philapilus

The report warns that you may feel some discomfort when passing larger bars

An American research group has managed to convince people unencumbered with weighty IQs that they should carefully sift their own poo, looking for particles of gold.

The US Geological Survey team produced a report pointing out the minute amounts of precious metals that are present in human crap, leading morons to start defecating into sieves.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the author of the report, said “It’s hilarious. I keep getting all these letters from idiots complaining they ‘ve been

March 9, 2015

Red Setter “killed himself to escape nightmare of dog shows”

by philapilus

Designed by nature to run around covered in shit and slobber. Brushing not required.

It has emerged today that the poisoned meat which killed an Irish setter at dog show Crufts was self-administered.

Cries of foul play followed the death of Thendara Satisfaction (aka Jagger), with an abundance of conspiracy theories already well-developed in time for the papers this morning.

But the discovery of a suicide note, left by the dog has turned the murder enquiry on its head.

In the

March 6, 2015

Han Solo crashes Millennium Falcon on LA golf course

by philapilus

Silver fox; yes. Credible action hero; not so much…

Veteran Rebel Alliance pilot and smuggler, Han Solo, has been injured after crashing his vintage spaceship in Los Angeles.

A spokesman for the Mos Santa Monica spaceport said “Solo reported engine failure shortly after leaving the runway, but successfully managed a textbook crash landing on a nearby golf course.

“He really is

March 2, 2015

CAGE sways Mail over ‘nice guy’ Jihadi John

by philapilus
File:Seeboden Treffling Burg Sommeregg Foltermuseum Guillotine 24082007 31.jpg

The mass beheadings that characterised the French Revolution started because a palace guard gave Robespierre a wedgie, and then flicked his earlobe – FIVE TIMES

The Daily Mail said it has “changed its editorial view” of Mohammed Emwazi, the terrorist known as Jihadi John, after reviewing the press conference held last week by advocacy group, CAGE.

The Islamic State militant was the subject of a tribute by CAGE director, Asim Qureshi, who praised Emwazi’s “Beauty, gentleness, softness, lovingness, kindness, sexiness, impressive trouser-snake, skill with a blade, and come-to-bed eyes.”

Mail editor Paul Dacre said today “The editorial team have watched the recording, and we were all really moved. Especially when Qureshi started crying because of how poor Jihadi John had been forced – utterly against his own will – into beheading people because

February 19, 2015

Boris to be even more British

by unpseudable

Boris’ inability to whistle the Star-Spangled Banner reveals where his loyalties lie

With the news this week that Boris Johnson plans to approach the US ambassador with the intention of relinquishing his American citizenship, reports are coming in that Matthew Barzun, the ambassador himself, has beaten the capital’s mayor to it.

Barzun yesterday announced that he would contact Johnson personally to fast-track his application.  “I only just heard about this to be honest.  I tend to ignore pretty much everything Boris says as a matter of course, obviously, but eventually an aide brought it to my attention.  Apparently he believes the process to be unnecessarily laborious – that we just don’t make it easy enough.  Well, that won’t do.  I’m going to contact the mayor this very instant and guide him through the business.  We could get rid of- get it resolved by the end of the week.”

Johnson made a statement

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