Archive for ‘International’

January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

January 16, 2015

Pope continues magnificent ‘wave but don’t make waves’ campaign

by philapilus

Pope Francis has continued to highlight the plight of the poor and needy by visiting the Philippines and saying what a bad thing inequality is, whilst sitting in the relative isolation of a bullet-proof car.

The Pope insisted that the best way to defeat poverty is to be pictured smiling and waving at people in threadbare clothes, whilst offering non-specific platitudes about the wealthy that stop short of actually ticking them off per se.

Taking a break from punching his aide, Alberto Gasparri, the

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January 13, 2015

Birmingham ‘Not Jihadi training camp, but still very shit’

by philapilus

Of course Birmingham’s not ALL bad; it does have some lovely parks, like this one

Residents of Birmingham were reminded today that whilst it is true the city is not a Muslim-only enclave peopled by violent adherents to Sharia law, it is nevertheless still a shithole.

Many people were irate after Fox News broadcast an interview with Steven Emerson, in which the professional village idiot said Birmingham was full of rabid terrorists.

Emerson’s claims that “Birmingham is Muslim-only, and that every man, woman and

January 7, 2015

Satire stopped forever to please fundamentalists

by philapilus

Such a good argument

After the brutal slaughter of civilians at French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, the international satirical community has conceded that hardline fundamentalists have clearly won the intellectual argument.

The murders, apparently committed by Islamic extremists, have shown political pomposity-pricking humorists everywhere that having a bit of a laugh at horrible people is just not on.

Satire-recusant Tim Twanks said “There is literally nothing worse in the world than having a bit of a laugh at someone who’s an arsehole.

“Seriously. If you’re a

January 1, 2015

2014 in Headlines

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2a/Nigel_Farage_Autumn_2008.JPG

Farage beat Kelly Brook to become Mail Online’s ‘Most Beloved Person’

Here at TMB we have Googled tirelessly, for more than three minutes, to remind you of the major news headlines from 2014. This is in no way because our entire reporting staff called in sick with epic hangovers, preventing us from giving you any actual news.

 

Blair rejects Nobel Peace Prize “The money’s shit; I’m insulted”

Eastwood finally guns down Eli Wallach

British public loses battle of wits with puddle

Harrods boss: “Everything I

December 23, 2014

North Korea temporarily unable to access Kim Jong-un pictures

by philapilus

Coping without the famous Putin vs Kim Jong-il dance-off video has been particularly gruelling

North Korean internet ground to a halt yesterday and the country remained offline for nearly ten hours, causing severe disruption to citizens’ enjoyment of articles about Kim Jong-un.

The secretive country has a vibrant and growing internet culture, consisting entirely of websites featuring the Dear Leader posing with cats, ‘FAIL’ Gifs of service personnel pratfalling in front of him, and ripped-off adult films in which his chubby little face is poorly super-imposed over Peter North’s.

As the row over the Sony cyber-attack deepens, many commentators have suggested the

December 16, 2014

Microbes from 2km below the ocean floor “just like us”

by philapilus

You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit

The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.

Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely

December 10, 2014

CIA “is not a very nice organisation” shock

by philapilus

Couldn’t give a fuck about Monet

There has been widespread shock at the discovery that the CIA is a secretive military intelligence organisation, which frequently makes use of extreme violence – and not, as was previously thought, the American branch of the Courtauld Institute of Art.

At a press conference yesterday, President Obama described revelations of brutal ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’ used on terror-suspects as “Excessive, inhumane, and shameful.

“Such torturous methods are not at all in keeping with the principles of art history as practised by an august part of London University.”

There followed

November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most inspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared inspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of shoppers in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately

November 14, 2014

Fifa branching out into banking

by philapilus

You might say the goalposts have been moved. And done up quite a bit too.

After the Fifa ethics row deepened yesterday, with investigator Michael Garcia accusing judge Hans Joachim-Eckert of misrepresentation, the governing body has announced its intention to diversify into banking.

Fifa’s Strategic Analyst, Hans Onmycok, said “Allegations of corruption over the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World cup tournaments to Russia and Qatar have shown us that it’s quite hard to get away with impropriety.

“What we need is to make our operation appear legitimate on the outside, whilst stuffed to the brim with criminal financial deals on the inside, and to

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