Archive for ‘Immigration’

April 22, 2014

Farage defends UKIP posters: “if anything, they’re not racist enough”

by philapilus
"They're coming! They're coooommmmmmming! (Vote UKIP)"

“They’re coming! They’re coooommmmmmming! (Oh, and be sure to vote UKIP)”

Nigel Farage has defended UKIP’s poster campaign for the European elections, claiming the images are based on “Facts and documented statistics, which prove definitively that everyone living East of Frankfurt has eaten at least four British babies in the last two years.”

One controversial poster shows an unstoppable zombie horde of swarthy men and whiskered women, advancing from Dover and devouring all in their path, halting occasionally only to perform undeclared manual labouring jobs, such as shoddy bricklaying.

Another shows elderly British grandmothers being murdered in their beds by scheming foreign devils, and yet another – known to be Farage’s personal favourite – shows him dressed in a crusader’s tabard, wielding an Excalibur-like sword and laying waste to a force of elite benefits claimants.

The UKIP leader said today that “93% of all

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 16, 2014

Rees-Mogg: my golliwog taught me everything I know

by philapilus

by Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP

Following my comment piece in the Daily Telegraph, about how my nanny made me the man of the people that I am today, I wanted to say something of how my vision of the wider world was informed by Blacky, my dear old golliwog.

Blacky, or Woggy-wog as I first denoted him in my pre-bipedal, crawling years, was a present from an aunt, a marvellously dogmatic, stern-faced elderly lady, who campaigned tirelessly for British marmalade to replace ale, as the working class’s relaxant of choice.

Until she placed Woggy-wog into my youthful arms, I had not yet seen skin that was not reassuringly white, or at least the sausage-pink of the tradesmen, who oftentimes came to the scullery door.

Of course, my first response was to

March 12, 2014

Miliband less keen on destroying UK than Cameron

by philapilus
File:Europe satellite globe.jpg

“If they weren’t so bloody close we wouldn’t get all these horrible garlicky smells wafting over the channel”

Ed Miliband said today that a Labour government might refrain from letting the British people commit economic and political suicide by severing themselves from the EU.

Miliband said Labour might hold a referendum, but that they would probably think a little bit about how and when, and only do it if it were necessary, rather than just pushing for one blindly, which is the Conservative plan.

A Labour spokesman said “Letting the cattle who read the Daily Mail vote on whether to leave Europe, whilst goading them to do so, is a little bit like pushing an elephant off a cliff and asking it to

March 4, 2014

“Some of our best friends wear bin bags!” protest Tories

by philapilus

“If they’re allowed to dress like bloody bin liners, why can’t we bloody well point that out?” said senior Tories, who really shouldn’t be allowed out unsupervised.

A Conservative spokesman has expressed outrage that the party was forced to expel a councillor “simply because he compared children in burkas to bin-bags.”

Sir Arthur Theremin said it was “Political correctness gone even madder than normal mad” after councillor Chris Joannides was given a 12 month expulsion, for making the derisory comments on an image he had posted on Facebook.

Theremin said “If we can’t make a perfectly rational observation, that darkie children in burkas look like rather full bin bags – which, by the way, anyone with eyes in their head could

March 3, 2014

“Black, gay, jobless immigrants to side with the Scots?!” screams Daily Mail

by philapilus
File:Flag of Scotland.svg

“My mate told me that someone in the pub reckons the Scots and their Ugandan minions plan to crucify the English on it, in the manner of St Andrew”

Most of Middle England had a heart attack this afternoon, after Scotland offered asylum to homosexual Ugandan refugees, fleeing persecution under new anti-gay laws.

President Yoweri Museveni’s  outlawing of gay sex, gay marriage, speaking camply, or quite enjoying the pop music of the 1980s un-ironically, has left many in the country feeling they had nowhere to turn.

But Jock McStrap, Scottish Minister for England-bothering, said “Aye, send em aul o’er heer, we dinnae min’. If it macks yon English shat their troosers, aul the better, d’ye ken? The muir the murrier.”

The parts of

January 23, 2014

Year old story causes panic

by unpseudable

Full of diseased rats

Quality papers, including The Sun, The Mirror and The Mail have today been alerting the British public to the anticipated arrival of a ghost ship packed with hundreds, or even thousands, of disease-riven cannibal rats.

The Lyubov Orlova was being towed from St John’s, Newfoundland, to the Dominican Republic when it was torn adrift in bad weather, just last January.  Or ‘2012’, as reported in The Mirror.  It was helpfully annotated in map form, reproduced by the Daily Mail showing the starting point to the north of Newfoundland, as close as a few hundred miles from the actual location of the port of St John’s.

After being towed into the mid-Atlantic and left to drift, it was later located about 500 miles off the coast of Ireland, last February. 

January 10, 2014

MP warns of influx of time-travelling immigrants

by unpseudable

Every Slav could have had one of these by 1988. We can’t know for sure.

Conservative Member of Parliament, and ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ star, Nadine Dorries, used her appearance on Question Time this week to alert the public to the danger of mass immigration from the Eastern Europe of the mid-1990s. Or potentially chronologically even earlier.

Dorries’ stark warning came in response to an audience member asking if racist rhetoric might subside as the feared large-scale influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria has failed to materialise. “There has been no tidal wave but there might be tomorrow, there might be next year – we don’t know – and that is the problem.” She asserted, continuing, “We could have a tidal wave from Yugoslavia.”

When it was pointed out to her that Yugoslavia broke up during the Yugoslav wars of the early 90s, Dorries continued, “Err, well, yes, of course.

January 7, 2014

“I will become more insane” vows Farage

by philapilus

“Tell you what; you know how we keep having to insist we’re not racist? We could stop doing that for starters…”

Nigel Farage has promised to up his game today, after media claims that his views no longer sufficiently alienated most of the UK.

As a survey revealed that over 75% of the British public now wanted immigration cut, concerns rose amongst senior UKIP members that they might no longer be seen as the batshit-mad party, and could even gain support from ordinarily quite rational people.

On learning of the troubling statistics during a press Q&A, Mr Farage appeared initially puzzled, then increasingly panic-stricken, and eventually

December 23, 2013

Cameron: ‘If I’m like Enoch, then Vince Cable is Mussolini’

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg and Vince Cable

Vince and Nick “or Benito and Adolf, as I like to call ‘em!” sneered Shapps

Senior tories have rounded on Vince Cable, after the Business Secretary suggested current immigration concerns are slightly reminiscent of earlier panics, such as the one which precipitated Enoch Powell’s infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech.

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said Cable was “Like an uppity house negro who’s powdered his face and thinks he can ‘strut wid’ de masser’”, while Nigel Mills, MP for Amber Valley, called Cable “a demented hellspawn, who should be hung from the gallows after such base treachery on a TV programme.”

The prime minister, who was told by the chairman that Cable had definitively called him “The dog-sodomising offspring of Thatcher and Enoch Powell” reportedly told Shapps to

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