Archive for ‘Immigration’

June 30, 2015

UK sends bit of fence to France

by philapilus

“Fortunately fences are impossible to break, or indeed to scale” said Brokenshire

The UK government has announced it will send the National Barrier Asset to Calais, to help desperate authorities there cope with the scale of migrants trying to enter Britain illegally.

The National Barrier Asset was developed in the aftermath of terrorist attacks and has been described with glowing reverence by the Ministry of Defence as ‘a really quite long bit of fence’.

Immigration minister, James Brokenshire, said “A shorter bit of the long bit of fence will be sent to France and deployed at their end of the Eurotunnel, to show just

June 24, 2015

Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of

May 7, 2015

Cameron mortified after accidentally voting for Sturgeon

by philapilus
File:David Cameron, London, Saturday, 7 January, 2012.jpg

Not the face of a man who is pleased with himself

David Cameron has said he is mortified after accidentally casting his vote for the leader of the SNP in today’s general election.

The prime minister said “I don’t know what happened, I’m in shock. There I was, having my picture taken, putting my

April 17, 2015

Farage attacks BBC audience “composed entirely of time-travelling Leninists”

by philapilus

“Karl Marx is in my kitchen cupboard!

Nigel Farage has blamed the BBC for audience hostility during last night’s TV debate, claiming that the corporation had filled the seats with time-travellers from the Bolshevik USSR.

During a tirade aimed at one of his thumbs, Farage broke away to castigate the BBC and everyone in the room, saying “I’ve never seen so many Russian revolutionaries in my life! You’re all from that film with the baby carriage and the stairs, and you all want to eat my leg!”

Although David Dimbleby attempted to explain to him the process by which audiences are chosen, Farage ignored him, and shouted that he was “Having none of this darkie-loving pinko lingo” before climbing onto his lectern, and defecating noisily into his cupped hands.

The Ukip leader then

March 23, 2015

LGBT activists join Ukip after meeting Farage at pub

by philapilus

‘Beetles in my teeth taught me how to breathe’

A group of LGBT rights campaigners, who targeted Nigel Farage by staging a protest at his local pub, have said the encounter led them to convert to Ukip en masse.

The carnivalesque demonstration, involving protestors in fancy dress lampooning UKip’s perceived targeting of minority groups, ended up benefitting from one of Farage’s impromptu speeches, and soon came to see his point of view.

Protest organiser, Tim Twanks, said “We really thought we’d have him on the ropes. I was dressed in a big pink girl’s dress with a plastic baby strapped to my bared fake boob. But after listening to Nigel for a few minutes, I realised how

December 8, 2014

DfT: “UK road system ruined by immigration”

by philapilus

Bloody Bulgarians

The Department for Transport has issued nationwide warnings today, after it was revealed that Britain’s entire road system is close to collapse.

The DfT cites mass immigration as the major cause of congestion, with a recent influx of East Europeans causing particular havoc on motorways M1 through M9.

Foreigners jabbering away in their own lingo has brought the M25 to a standstill, whilst the M602 has completely disappeared near Salford because less than 50% of Londoners are listed as white British.

Observers say

November 11, 2014

Cameron scores major EU victory, demanding legislation already in place

by philapilus

“And another thing; we demand that all of Europe apart from us adopt a common currency and call it, I dunno, ‘the Euro’, or something.”

The Conservatives are claiming credit for putting pressure on Europe today, after a thing they have been pushing for turned out to be already covered under current laws.

David Cameron said that an EU Court ruling, that member states can refuse financial aid to so-called benefit tourists,  “Supports not only my opinion, but the whole thinking of the Conservative party in general.

“I am glad they have finally bowed to British pressure, my requests, and decent common sense, in introducing this legal right, several years before I demanded they do so.”

But some critics suggest

November 5, 2014

Creepy-crawly horde to colonize Melua’s ear canal

by philapilus

Spacious, close to the shops, and with excellent public transport links

After Katie Melua saved a spider lodging in her ear and released it into the garden, numerous bugs, arachnids and insects have announced their intention to take up residence in the singer’s inner ears.

Adam Ant, an ant from Bromley, said “Normally, when people get critters stuck in the old lugs they dig us out and squish us flat.

“But Katie’s a class act. Didn’t panic, didn’t disintegrate that spider with a blowtorch; she just gave it a comfortable

October 21, 2014

Cameron: “I have something important to say about Europe, possibly”

by philapilus

“Come on, come on. Why is this taking me so long? How can it be this hard to have an idea? I know people who have had more than one in a single YEAR…”

The Prime Minister has attempted to breach the divide growing in his own party, by announcing that he might make an announcement about the UK and Europe before Christmas. Probably.

Mr Cameron assured the country and fellow Conservatives that he would “be making a very strong statement, maybe outlining some sort of brilliant strategy, probably in a speech, article, open letter, or possibly in a text to my wife Samantha.

“But the

May 27, 2014

EU to be put down

by philapilus

this room is finally as it should be

It was agreed this morning that the EU is to be taken out back and shot in the head, finally putting it out of its decades-long misery.

After European elections resulted in a violent swing to the right, a coalition of mutually loathing MEPs – many of them in power for the first time – announced that the EU had to go.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who won England after last week’s popularity contest, said “The European Union has fractured into a bunch of xenophobic, petty-minded, egotistical shits. It’s brilliant!

“I’ve longed for

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