Archive for ‘Immigration’

December 8, 2014

DfT: “UK road system ruined by immigration”

by philapilus

Bloody Bulgarians

The Department for Transport has issued nationwide warnings today, after it was revealed that Britain’s entire road system is close to collapse.

The DfT cites mass immigration as the major cause of congestion, with a recent influx of East Europeans causing particular havoc on motorways M1 through M9.

Foreigners jabbering away in their own lingo has brought the M25 to a standstill, whilst the M602 has completely disappeared near Salford because less than 50% of Londoners are listed as white British.

Observers say

November 11, 2014

Cameron scores major EU victory, demanding legislation already in place

by philapilus

“And another thing; we demand that all of Europe apart from us adopt a common currency and call it, I dunno, ‘the Euro’, or something.”

The Conservatives are claiming credit for putting pressure on Europe today, after a thing they have been pushing for turned out to be already covered under current laws.

David Cameron said that an EU Court ruling, that member states can refuse financial aid to so-called benefit tourists,  “Supports not only my opinion, but the whole thinking of the Conservative party in general.

“I am glad they have finally bowed to British pressure, my requests, and decent common sense, in introducing this legal right, several years before I demanded they do so.”

But some critics suggest

November 5, 2014

Creepy-crawly horde to colonize Melua’s ear canal

by philapilus

Spacious, close to the shops, and with excellent public transport links

After Katie Melua saved a spider lodging in her ear and released it into the garden, numerous bugs, arachnids and insects have announced their intention to take up residence in the singer’s inner ears.

Adam Ant, an ant from Bromley, said “Normally, when people get critters stuck in the old lugs they dig us out and squish us flat.

“But Katie’s a class act. Didn’t panic, didn’t disintegrate that spider with a blowtorch; she just gave it a comfortable

October 21, 2014

Cameron: “I have something important to say about Europe, possibly”

by philapilus

“Come on, come on. Why is this taking me so long? How can it be this hard to have an idea? I know people who have had more than one in a single YEAR…”

The Prime Minister has attempted to breach the divide growing in his own party, by announcing that he might make an announcement about the UK and Europe before Christmas. Probably.

Mr Cameron assured the country and fellow Conservatives that he would “be making a very strong statement, maybe outlining some sort of brilliant strategy, probably in a speech, article, open letter, or possibly in a text to my wife Samantha.

“But the

May 27, 2014

EU to be put down

by philapilus

this room is finally as it should be

It was agreed this morning that the EU is to be taken out back and shot in the head, finally putting it out of its decades-long misery.

After European elections resulted in a violent swing to the right, a coalition of mutually loathing MEPs – many of them in power for the first time – announced that the EU had to go.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who won England after last week’s popularity contest, said “The European Union has fractured into a bunch of xenophobic, petty-minded, egotistical shits. It’s brilliant!

“I’ve longed for

May 14, 2014

Farage: ‘No biggie; students all look the same to me anyway’

by philapilus

“This is my invisible tortoise. It’s juicy.”

After a prominent student-member quit UKIP over its racist campaigning, Nigel Farage announced that he couldn’t care less, because “they all look the same to me anyway.”

Sanya-Jeet Thandi, who had been something of a poster-girl for UKIP because she isn’t a belligerent, middle-aged white man, blogged that she was quitting the party’s youth wing, Young Independence.

But Nigel Farage said “What’s one more or less? They should all go back to where they came from anyway.

“Did you know that students are actually descended from a different sort of monkey from us? And, what’s

May 6, 2014

Clegg instructs Lib Dems to shout for help from the rooftops

by philapilus
Cleggcable

No longer the party of the ‘protest vote’, they’re more about the ‘throwaway vote’ now

Nick Clegg has urged supporters and party members to run about wildly, waving their arms and screaming for help.

At the launch of the party’s campaign for the forthcoming local elections, the Lib Dem leader said “The time for complacency is over. We need to get out there, amongst the British people, and shout from the rooftops; ‘Help! We don’t know what we’re doing! Put us out of our misery, before we make things even worse!’

“We are no longer just the protest vote. Somehow, despite losing an election, we transmogrified into a party with a disproportionate amount of power in a coalition government, and we need to use that position as a springboard to talk about our deepest convictions.

“Convictions like our

April 22, 2014

Farage defends UKIP posters: “if anything, they’re not racist enough”

by philapilus
"They're coming! They're coooommmmmmming! (Vote UKIP)"

“They’re coming! They’re coooommmmmmming! (Oh, and be sure to vote UKIP)”

Nigel Farage has defended UKIP’s poster campaign for the European elections, claiming the images are based on “Facts and documented statistics, which prove definitively that everyone living East of Frankfurt has eaten at least four British babies in the last two years.”

One controversial poster shows an unstoppable zombie horde of swarthy men and whiskered women, advancing from Dover and devouring all in their path, halting occasionally only to perform undeclared manual labouring jobs, such as shoddy bricklaying.

Another shows elderly British grandmothers being murdered in their beds by scheming foreign devils, and yet another – known to be Farage’s personal favourite – shows him dressed in a crusader’s tabard, wielding an Excalibur-like sword and laying waste to a force of elite benefits claimants.

The UKIP leader said today that “93% of all

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 16, 2014

Rees-Mogg: my golliwog taught me everything I know

by philapilus

by Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP

Following my comment piece in the Daily Telegraph, about how my nanny made me the man of the people that I am today, I wanted to say something of how my vision of the wider world was informed by Blacky, my dear old golliwog.

Blacky, or Woggy-wog as I first denoted him in my pre-bipedal, crawling years, was a present from an aunt, a marvellously dogmatic, stern-faced elderly lady, who campaigned tirelessly for British marmalade to replace ale, as the working class’s relaxant of choice.

Until she placed Woggy-wog into my youthful arms, I had not yet seen skin that was not reassuringly white, or at least the sausage-pink of the tradesmen, who oftentimes came to the scullery door.

Of course, my first response was to

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