Archive for ‘History’

October 31, 2014

Benefits stopped for those giving out free Halloween treats

by philapilus

 

A super-tax on pumpkins will fund extra police presence tonight, to keep the UK’s children cowed and under curfew.

The government has warned that any0ne on benefits caught giving out free sweets to trick-or-treaters tonight will face an immediate withdrawal of all state aid, and possible prosecution.

The Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said “This is not about punishing generosity, or interfering with fun traditions.

“But in order to maintain an honest and just society where hard work is rewarded, we will be stripping all benefit from those who give away valuable commodities whilst simultaneously demanding that the state support their

September 22, 2014

Derbyshire dam “accidentally destroyed” in historic aircraft flypast

by philapilus

In 2012 one of the planes accidentally killed a standful of veterans at a memorial airshow, an action welcomed by Iain Duncan Smith’s DWP.

Tragedy struck during an RAF flypast yesterday, when the last two remaining World War Two Avro Lancasters accidentally bombed and obliterated Derwent Dam.

An excited crowd of enthusiasts and spectators had assembled at the dam – the practise site for the famous ‘Dambusters’ raid – all of whom were drowned when the planes unleashed a massive payload of bouncing bombs.

Wing Commander Sir Leslie Fanshawe Haines-Haines, the RAF liaison for all commemorative displays and historical re-enactmants, said “Bloody bad luck, what? No idea the bloody bombs were still on the bally planes!

“Shame about

September 10, 2014

“Great day for prejudice” as Jack the Ripper identified as Jewish foreigner

by philapilus
"No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face"

“No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face”

Across the UK, bigots, xenophobes and racists (so pretty much everyone) were delighted this week, after the Daily Mail announced new evidence which “proves definitively that Jack the Ripper was a Polish Jew”.

Delighted Ripperologists said it was “finally time to break out the flaming torches and go get them stinking Hebes.”

Tim Twanks, a current Whitechapel resident, said “After more than a century of the liberal curtailing of prejudice, and improved education, it turns out the blindly bigoted, squawking, anti-Semitic British public were right all along

“So now we

September 8, 2014

Britain “Completely fine with austerity if it means we’re like Downton”

by philapilus

“I will work for free if you let me touch the building – even if its only the outside”

Frances O’Grady’s attempt to rouse the British masses against rising inequality has backfired, after the TUC leader warned Britain was becoming like Downton Abbey – at which point the whole country said “Well that’s all right then!”

Unemployed builder Tim Twanks said “I’ve been fucking mad about the social unfairness and the divide between rich and poor since I lost my job. But I hadn’t twigged it was all just like it is in Downton. Now I feel quite upbeat about the whole thing.

“My daily financial misery is

August 28, 2014

Hello Kitty “actually Jack the Ripper” say creators

by philapilus

Often cut out the victim’s uterus and disfigured the face

Children, fans of stationery, and adults who refuse to grow up, have expressed surprise and dismay on learning that popular icon Hello Kitty is in fact a serial killer, and not – as was previously thought – an inoffensive cartoon cat.

Collectors of cutesy paraphernalia said they felt “deceived and angry”, after creators Sanrio revealed that Kitty was the infamous Jack the Ripper – almost as far from being a cloying lunchbox decoration as physically possible.

Fan Samantha Furcup said “All my clothes, bedcovers, posters, bags, mugs – everything – are covered with Hello Kitty. I have her face tattooed across my breasts, for fuck’s sake. And now it

August 26, 2014

Salmond ‘wins’ independence debate that no one listened to

by philapilus

“I will crush his pudgy little head”

Political commentators have agreed that Alex Salmond should be declared the victor of last night’s televised Scottish independence debate “for the sake of balance”, after the First Minister’s previous drubbing at the hands of Alistair Darling.The general feeling amonsgt attending journalists and pundits was that “As no one heard a word either man said – because we all fell asleep the moment it started – we thought we’d just give it to Alex this time, to even things out.”

Terry Thomas, political analyst for some shitty newspaper with ‘Mail’ in the title, represented the general consensus when he said “I fell asleep during the first one too, but gave it to Alistair because he’s thinner, and I fucking hate little fat men. But then my sister, who is fat, told me that was

August 5, 2014

Israeli-Palestinian truce brokered to piss off Baroness Warsi

by philapilus

Principled (well, for a given value of ‘principled’)

A fragile ceasefire has begun between the Israeli armed forces and Hamas, after both sides agreed it would be “an excellent way of making Lady Warsi look like a dick”.

Baronness Warsi resigned as a Foreign Office minister this morning, in protest at the government’s ‘let’s just pretend it isn’t happening’ policy on Gaza.

Israel and Palestine issued a joint statement shortly afterwards, which said “Whilst we love nothing better than murdering each other until the corpses fill the streets, we are going to put this on hold for a little bit, just to make Warsi look like a total idiot for resigning just as

August 5, 2014

Bat symbol seen in London skies

by philapilus

Let’s just hope he didn’t have one of his notorious panic attacks and hide behind his girlfriend again…

Londoners were shocked and awed last night, after a powerful beam of light projected the Bat signal into the brooding clouds above Westminster.

The cloud symbol, which is the traditional and established method of contacting the elusive caped crusader in times of dire need, was visible from an impressive 15km away.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who has ‘DC comics 4eva’ tattooed across her chest, said “I immediately ran down to Victoria Tower Gardens to catch

August 5, 2014

Miliband, Clegg deface War memorial, urinate on Unknown Soldier’s grave

by philapilus

Ed took a dump right on top of it

Middle England was in uproar yesterday, after Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg attempted to ruin the centenary commemoration of the First World War.

After laying wreaths reading ‘Fuck Hisstry’ and ‘Them soljers was well gay’, the Leader of the Opposition and the Deputy Prime Minister tried to sabotage the service in Westminster abbey, heckling the speakers with shouts of “Wankers!” and “Bummers!”.

As angered veterans tried to eject them, the

August 1, 2014

Gymnastics gold for ‘surprised’ Major

by philapilus

It would be easier to list the medals he *hasn’t* won yet

John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” with his victory yesterday in the men’s all-around gymnastics, at the 2014 Commonwealth games.

The former British prime minister said this morning “It is a huge honour, and of course I am overjoyed, but I do feel that really it was a bit of a fluke. The younger gymnasts are just on another level these days, and any one of them could have won.

“Plus my tie kept flopping in my face every time I swung upside-down or did a handstand. But the judges seemed to have liked my performance, and I am really very chuffed.”

The man who fans call ‘Modest Major’ heartily congratulated the

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