Archive for ‘History’

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in

July 7, 2014

Inquiry into child sex abuse exonerates all past and present MPs

by philapilus

“Probably not that much point actually writing it down, really”

The widely-anticipated inquiry into historical allegations of child sex abuse has found “No evidence of wrongdoing by anyone in public office”, despite not having officially started yet.

The inquiry, which is expected to investigate claims of a paedophile ring in Westminster, and the disappearance of relevant documents passed to the Home Office, was to be announced this afternoon by Theresa May.

But even though as yet it has no chairperson, agenda, or even a defined field of questioning, the Inquiry has produced a 17,000 page dcoument, the Daz Report, completely exonerating everyone.

Government spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “This

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

June 13, 2014

Sun in ‘posing with Miliband’ gaffe

by philapilus
Datei:Ed Miliband (2010).jpg

“At least he wasn’t topless though”

The Sun newspaper has apologised to readers for a “Huge error in judgement”, after a publicity photograph was released showing the paper in the hands of Ed Miliband.

A spokesman for the paper said “We’re sorry, this was a huge oversight on our part, and it won’t happen again.

“We overlooked the fact that our readers want nothing to do with dangerous liberal pinko Marxists whose fathers were traitors, and who boil babies in their cots for fun whilst singing the French national anthem.”

Readers of the Sun expressed

June 9, 2014

Faces evolved to encourage punching, says study

by philapilus

Didn’t send passive aggressive emails about the office windows being left open, and you don’t particularly want to punch him; coincidence?

New research, founded on careful analysis of the fossil record, claims that as humans became wilier, nastier, and more vindictive, so their faces evolved to be ever more inviting to fists.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Centre for Anthropolgy and Punching, said “Early hominids were hulking simpletons. They’d take your arm off if you had food they wanted, but it wasn’t really malicious.

“They had big faces that you wouldn’t want to hit because you would break every bone in your hand.”

But, Professor McEyebrau claims, as people evolved into mentally agile creatures, capable of spite, meanness, and the invention of call-centres, their face-structure

June 6, 2014

“Would you say you’re about to die any moment now?” BBC asks D-Day veterans

by philapilus
D-day veterans on Sword Beach as a military aircraft flys past

Oh, get on with it

Reporters covering the ceremonies for the 70th anniversary of D-Day, have spent the morning interviewing the handful of veterans who are still alive – principally about when this state of affairs will cease to exist.

BBC defence correspondent Caroline Wyatt said “I am here in Normandy with Major Lesley Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, one of the last surviving field commanders from the Landings.

“Major, you’re very, very old; do you think you’ll die in the next few minutes? Maybe even during this interview? Are you sure? Well, what if you tried a bit harder, perhaps?”

The bewildered huddle of

June 5, 2014

Ritual humiliation of Merkel planned for D-Day anniversary

by philapilus

Merkel tries to remain stoic, after learning Silvio Berlusconi has been invited

World leaders are meeting in France tomorrow for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landings, where it is understood they will line up and take it in turns to break wind in the face of Angela Merkel.

Visiting dignitaries will walk along a short length of red carpet, marked off with gilded rope, at the end of which will be seated the German chancellor, perched on a crude stool.

Each representative will then turn their rear towards Merkel, and let loose up to three anal salutes, which she will be compelled to give the appearance of savouring.

David Cameron, who will be the third Briton to cut the cheese in Merkel’s

May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

May 21, 2014

Prince Charles congratulates Putin on “admirably German” handling of Ukraine

by philapilus
File:Duke and Duchess of Windsor meet Adolf Hitler 1937.jpg

“And might I just add; we’re huge fans of how you’ve handled the neighbours, Herr Adolf”

Prince Charles has caused a considerable stir this morning, after it emerged he had praised the Russians’ actions over the Ukraine crisis.

The Prince of Wales said that Putin’s annexation of the Crimea and belligerent military pressure on Ukraine were “Very akin to the robust handling of neighbouring states by the Germans, which was so admired by my Great Uncle Eddie.

“My son Harry is also a huge fan of

April 30, 2014

Fans ‘delighted’ as Jessica Tandy and Thora Hird confirm Star Wars VII appearances

by philapilus

“The Mos Eisley Old Folks Home; you will never find a more wretched hive of arthritics and anachronistic witterers.”

Legions of Sci-Fi fans were delirious this morning, as it was confirmed that yet more extremely elderly thespians had accepted parts in the forthcoming Star Wars film.

Yesterday’s announcement that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher will reprise their roles as Han, Luke and Leia, had already wowed the franchise’s most

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 261 other followers