Archive for ‘History’

January 25, 2016

On this day: 25th January

by philapilus
File:Hippo Indigestion.jpg

Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed

TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…

1925: notorious gangster Al Capone invents the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

1953: Southend is destroyed when a huge interstellar alien craft falls from

January 14, 2016

2015 in Headlines

by philapilus

Lenin was amongst the famous people who died in 2015, along with such other political luminaries as Michael Ball, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble and Michael Bay. Astoundingly, Keith Richards survived yet another year

In our annual January attempt to avoid anything as strenuous as finding new news, TMB presents some of the more notable stories appearing in UK newspapers from last year:

Forensic science claims Jesus was spitting image of Brian Blessed

Ed Miliband ‘froze to death’ in park drinking meths on Christmas day

“I just want to kill the Jews” Trump reveals motivation

One Direction revealed as

November 23, 2015

IS in shock as Paris attacks fail to establish world-wide caliphate

by philapilus

Interestingly not designed by someone who thought batshit-mad medieval edicts and fictional super-powered friends were the be-all and end-all of human endeavour

Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.

Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.

Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a

October 19, 2015

Downton Abbey celebrates the rise of fascist appeasement

by philapilus

The finale to season 47 will feature the obligatory robot butler

Fans of Downton Abbey have lauded the appearance of Neville Chamberlain in last night’s episode, where he prophesied the rise of European fascism, much to the pleasure of the family and staff.

The pseudo-historical soap opera featured the pro-appeasement politician coming to dinner, where he delighted the Earl of Grantham and Lady Violet with a long-winded explanation about how important it is to make friends with powerful, morally bankrupt dictators.

“If only there was a strong leader in Germany,” said Neville, “someone to

September 10, 2015

“I feel so empty” says Queen

by philapilus
Less than ecstatic

Less than ecstatic

Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II has described her trouncing of Queen Victoria’s longevity-record as “a huge anticlimax”.

The Queen said “I waited decades to reach this milestone; survived all the attempts on my life by my son, and even the foiled coup d’etat launched by the Krankies.

“But it’s a

September 7, 2015

New neolithic site completely ruins pagan maps

by philapilus

“People probably think we look stupid now”

Druids have expressed outrage at the discovery of an enormous neolithic monument less than 2 miles from Stonehenge, claiming that “All the leylines are completely fucked up now”.

Self-proclaimed chief-druid, Uther Merlin Mordred (who legally changed his name from Jeff Scone), said “Can you blame us for being cross? This has ruined years of work.

“Imagine you got a Feng Shui expert to do the room you live in in your mum’s house, right, and he did it all beautifully, but then

August 14, 2015

Delighted Lancastrians lambast Yorkshire for “wimpishly clean water”

by philapilus

The Wars of the Roses began as a squabble between the two counties both of which claimed to have the ugliest women

Lancashire has mocked “Yorkshire softies” this week, claiming that the county “Doesn’t even know its been born,  with its lahdeedah clean water and its lahdeedah sanitation”.

The attack came after proud Lancastrians entered a second week of having to boil their water for health reasons, leading the delighted misanthropes to revel in gleeful masochism.

Pat Greendale, founder of the Antagonise Yorkshire Society, said “Bloody Yorkshire, think they’re so tough; we’re more hard done by than

July 20, 2015

Queen “not a Nazi”, unlike most of her family

by philapilus

The Duke of Windsor making new friends

Buckingham Palace has responded angrily to the release of footage of the young Princess Elizabeth giving a Nazi salute in 1933, saying that the Queen is no fascist, even if the rest of the family are.Sir Percy Spoke, Keeper of the Queen’s Loo-roll said “Her Majesty deplores Hitler, National Socialism, the Holocaust, and all of the horrors of Nazi rule. Making a silly gesture as a seven-year-old does not equate to any sort of ideological support.

“It’s not like she’s Edward VIII, Prince Philip, Prince Harry, Prin- actually hang on, can we just back up a second? You didn’t record that last bit did you? Oh shit.”

Despite

July 8, 2015

‘Grexit’ renamed ‘Greverlasting wrangle’

by philapilus

He might be a bit stubborn, but to be fair he was elected as the leader of Greece; you know, to lead Greece…

As talks over the Greek financial crisis enter their 17th year, the feared departure of Greece from the Euro has been renamed, to reflect the fact that most people now expect the debate to go on interminably.

The chief cause of the neverending dispute appears to lie in the worsening relationship between Greece and her German-led creditors.

Hans Onmycok, Advisor on Financial Wrangles to Angela Merkel, said “Greece needs to know that it is absolutely not OK to have a government that acts according to the democratic will of its people alone. It should be obvious to

June 15, 2015

People still inexplicably listening to David Starkey

by philapilus

“Bweaaarrkkk!!! Kweaauurrkkkk CLUK CLUK! BUK-BUK QWEAAARRKK!”

There has been public shock today, after it transpired that some terminally unwise people actually listened while David Starkey spouted some more of his bullshit.

The cantankerous TV ‘history buff’ opened his mouth and allowed a huge river of shit to pour out – ostensibly to liken the SNP to the Nazis, although he was probably just trying to see how much shit he could spew before the room was full and everyone had to leave.

But new SNP MP Jock McStrap said “Wuir nae gon’ tae stan’ fer it! Wuir nae a violent nassty peeple! Wuir peesful as yon next man! Starkey bin takin’ shite an’ weez gon’ tae heidbutt ‘im an gie ‘im a Glasgie smile an’ leev him burrnin’ in

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