Archive for ‘History’

September 10, 2015

“I feel so empty” says Queen

by philapilus
Less than ecstatic

Less than ecstatic

Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II has described her trouncing of Queen Victoria’s longevity-record as “a huge anticlimax”.

The Queen said “I waited decades to reach this milestone; survived all the attempts on my life by my son, and even the foiled coup d’etat launched by the Krankies.

“But it’s a

September 7, 2015

New neolithic site completely ruins pagan maps

by philapilus

“People probably think we look stupid now”

Druids have expressed outrage at the discovery of an enormous neolithic monument less than 2 miles from Stonehenge, claiming that “All the leylines are completely fucked up now”.

Self-proclaimed chief-druid, Uther Merlin Mordred (who legally changed his name from Jeff Scone), said “Can you blame us for being cross? This has ruined years of work.

“Imagine you got a Feng Shui expert to do the room you live in in your mum’s house, right, and he did it all beautifully, but then

August 14, 2015

Delighted Lancastrians lambast Yorkshire for “wimpishly clean water”

by philapilus

The Wars of the Roses began as a squabble between the two counties both of which claimed to have the ugliest women

Lancashire has mocked “Yorkshire softies” this week, claiming that the county “Doesn’t even know its been born,  with its lahdeedah clean water and its lahdeedah sanitation”.

The attack came after proud Lancastrians entered a second week of having to boil their water for health reasons, leading the delighted misanthropes to revel in gleeful masochism.

Pat Greendale, founder of the Antagonise Yorkshire Society, said “Bloody Yorkshire, think they’re so tough; we’re more hard done by than

July 20, 2015

Queen “not a Nazi”, unlike most of her family

by philapilus

The Duke of Windsor making new friends

Buckingham Palace has responded angrily to the release of footage of the young Princess Elizabeth giving a Nazi salute in 1933, saying that the Queen is no fascist, even if the rest of the family are.Sir Percy Spoke, Keeper of the Queen’s Loo-roll said “Her Majesty deplores Hitler, National Socialism, the Holocaust, and all of the horrors of Nazi rule. Making a silly gesture as a seven-year-old does not equate to any sort of ideological support.

“It’s not like she’s Edward VIII, Prince Philip, Prince Harry, Prin- actually hang on, can we just back up a second? You didn’t record that last bit did you? Oh shit.”


July 8, 2015

‘Grexit’ renamed ‘Greverlasting wrangle’

by philapilus

He might be a bit stubborn, but to be fair he was elected as the leader of Greece; you know, to lead Greece…

As talks over the Greek financial crisis enter their 17th year, the feared departure of Greece from the Euro has been renamed, to reflect the fact that most people now expect the debate to go on interminably.

The chief cause of the neverending dispute appears to lie in the worsening relationship between Greece and her German-led creditors.

Hans Onmycok, Advisor on Financial Wrangles to Angela Merkel, said “Greece needs to know that it is absolutely not OK to have a government that acts according to the democratic will of its people alone. It should be obvious to

June 15, 2015

People still inexplicably listening to David Starkey

by philapilus

“Bweaaarrkkk!!! Kweaauurrkkkk CLUK CLUK! BUK-BUK QWEAAARRKK!”

There has been public shock today, after it transpired that some terminally unwise people actually listened while David Starkey spouted some more of his bullshit.

The cantankerous TV ‘history buff’ opened his mouth and allowed a huge river of shit to pour out – ostensibly to liken the SNP to the Nazis, although he was probably just trying to see how much shit he could spew before the room was full and everyone had to leave.

But new SNP MP Jock McStrap said “Wuir nae gon’ tae stan’ fer it! Wuir nae a violent nassty peeple! Wuir peesful as yon next man! Starkey bin takin’ shite an’ weez gon’ tae heidbutt ‘im an gie ‘im a Glasgie smile an’ leev him burrnin’ in

May 28, 2015

Blair takes up new role as Middle East ‘war envoy’

by philapilus

Just an all-round great feller

The former British prime minister Tony Blair has said his decision to step down as peace envoy to the middle east was motivated by “the offer of a much more interesting role as war ambassador to the region.”

Blair’s tenure as peace envoy was always troubled by accusations that he was the wrong man for the job. Partly because he had previously been involved in destroying quite a bit of the Middle East, and partly because he achieved fuck-all in 8 years.

But after quitting the post yesterday, he told reporters “I’ve assessed my options to contribute to the world and decided – by which I mean ‘have been offered a much better salary’ –  to spread war and discord instead.

“Sort of like a

May 20, 2015

Prince Charles and Gerry Adams in suspected ‘bodyswap’

by philapilus

“Well now, dis is a bit o’ a gamechanger, so it is”

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about

May 5, 2015

Scandinavian gunmen open fire at US ‘Draw Thor’ competition

by philapilus

We can’t show Thor wielding it, for fear of reprisals

Norse mythology extremists have been killed by police, after opening fire at contestants attending a ‘Draw Thor’ competition in Dallas yesterday.

The masked gunmen were shot dead by a traffic policeman, in an exchange of fire following a savage attack, which mercifully left no one harmed other than the perpetrators.

The event’s organiser, controversial anti-Thorian and free speech advocate, Frank Castle, said “This kind of religious extremism is absolutely intolerable in

April 28, 2015

RAF to buy Spitfire as riposte to Russian display of might

by philapilus

This is probably fine, right? Nothing to worry about?

As Russia prepares for the world’s biggest ever military parade, the RAF has announced its intention to purchase a renovated WW2 Spitfire, in a retaliatory show of force.

Whilst Russia’s WW2 celebratory parade will showcase new tanks, ICBM missiles, devices for torturing Ukrainians, and hundreds of T-1000 terminators, Britain will be saving really hard to bolster its own arsenal with a 70-year old plane made of aluminium.

An MoD spokesman said “The RAF – like all our armed services – has


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