Archive for ‘History’

March 24, 2014

British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a

March 20, 2014

Counterfeiters hold design competition for back of new £1 forgeries

by philapilus

“I’m bored of making these, give me a new challenge”

Counterfeiters today announced that they are launching their own competition to decide what goes on the back of the new fake pound coin.

Whilst the Royal Mint will not have its new twelve-sided coin ready to enter circulation until 2017, the Association of Forgers and Counterfeiters said they already have almost 50m forged coins “Just waiting to go.”

“We really liked the idea of letting the public choose what goes on the tails side,” said master-forger, Geoffrey Howe.

“It gives

March 19, 2014

Proletariat to get drunk and play bingo after brilliant budget

by philapilus

Who says the Conservatives don’t understand modern Britain?

There was widespread praise today for George Osborne, after his egalitarian budget distributed tax breaks to the wealthy, and bestowed slightly cheaper beer and bingo on the unwashed masses.

Lumpenprole Wendy Nailinthehead said “Lor’ bless ‘im, the gennelman ‘as noticed us in our plight, and provided for us. ‘e’s a reg’lar saint. I can’t wait to go and spend me babby’s child allowance down the bingo ‘all.”

Big-fisted coal-miner and drinker, Alf Ardup, said “I don’t know much about economics. That’s for them as has school learning. But I am very thankful to them for the cheaper beer.

“Once a year I’ll be able to afford a whole extra pint, and on those nights the wife’ll get even more of a kicking when

March 19, 2014

Tony Benn could share Thatcher honours

by philapilus

“It might look grand, but essentially it’s just a place where morons scream at each other, with as much probity as retarded children fighting over a stick in a forest”

After John Bercow’s suggestion that Tony Benn’s remains lie in state in the Parliament chapel, the Labour party has formally asked that he receive the other honours bestowed upon Margaret Thatcher after her death.

Ed Miliband announced to the Conservatives that “As Mr Benn was such an incredible statesman, a member of this house for five decades, and a person of great integrity, we would like to honour his remains, in the same way that we all did the corpse of that insane tyrant.

“We were hoping you would join us in curbing your seething resentment, and at least giving the semblance of being sorry he’s dead, whilst we drone on and on about how great he was for

March 17, 2014

We’re all going to die

by unpseudable

Well, it was nice while it lasted

It has been confirmed this week that pretty much the whole of humanity should expect horrific and violent death in the almost immediate future.

A scientific study funded by NASA has hypothesised the various ways in which civilisation will almost certainly collapse in the coming decades.  Climate change, societal instability and war – not to mention unparalleled human fuckwittery – are pinpointed as major problems likely to destroy us all.

In the report, applied mathematician Safa Motesharri concludes that, “throughout history, civilisation appears to be on a sustainable path for quite a long time, but the Elites start consuming too much, resulting in famine among the Masses.  Things go a little haywire, and Bob’s your uncle,

March 16, 2014

Rees-Mogg: my golliwog taught me everything I know

by philapilus

by Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP

Following my comment piece in the Daily Telegraph, about how my nanny made me the man of the people that I am today, I wanted to say something of how my vision of the wider world was informed by Blacky, my dear old golliwog.

Blacky, or Woggy-wog as I first denoted him in my pre-bipedal, crawling years, was a present from an aunt, a marvellously dogmatic, stern-faced elderly lady, who campaigned tirelessly for British marmalade to replace ale, as the working class’s relaxant of choice.

Until she placed Woggy-wog into my youthful arms, I had not yet seen skin that was not reassuringly white, or at least the sausage-pink of the tradesmen, who oftentimes came to the scullery door.

Of course, my first response was to

March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

February 25, 2014

Arizona to become “1950s World” theme park

by philapilus

“In the 1950s they’d NEVER have sunk so low as to let a Goddamn Jap pilot a spaceship”

The State of Arizona is set to become the world’s biggest tourist attraction, under ambitious plans that will see the clocks turned back to the mid-20th century.

All that is needed is for Governor Jan Brewer to sign a bill, SB 1062, into law which will allow business owners to refuse service to gay people, and the process of setting up the statewide theme park will be complete.

Randy Jerkoff, Director of the ’1950s World’ initiative, said “Everyone loves the 1950s. China was weak, cars were brilliant, women wore dresses, young people had proper-length hair, and there wasn’t so much as a whiff of a single hippie, let alone the godawful social revolutions to come.

“Well from now on, when you come to Arizona, you

February 13, 2014

Benn’s illness raises haunting spectre of UK Left headed by Russell Brand

by philapilus

Sometimes it can be quite helpful to have someone around who knows what he’s about to say before he says it

British Left-wingers were said to be in a state of dismay this morning, after much-loved veteran politician Tony Benn spent a fourth night in hospital.

Messages of sincere concern for Benn’s health could not disguise the rising panic amongst his supporters however, who are realising that, without him, the entire legacy of class struggle will be left in the hands of Russell Brand.

Labour spokesman Carl Marks said “If Benn cops it, the technical term for our movement, in terms of classical political theory, is: ‘completely fucked’.

“The sensible Miliband has

January 28, 2014

Queen to leave door on the latch

by philapilus

‘It’s not like she’s even been given a nice house or anything’

MPs have suggested that since the financial burden of supporting the Royal family has increased, the Queen should leave Buckingham Palace open for visitors whenever she pops out.

Margaret Hodge, Chairwoman of the Public Accounts Committee, said “We’re not asking her to physically sit there and entertain thousands of grubby foreigners to tea.

“But if she happens to be on her way out for a pint of milk or a packet of Bourbons, she could just leave the door ajar, and let some more visitors come in and poke around a bit.”

But the suggestion that Royal assets should be used more effectively to relieve the burden on the public purse, has been dismissed by Royalists, and people who are confused as to the difference between the Monarch and God.

Tim Twanks, a self-described unemployed fan of the Royals, said “They’re not like you and me. They’re just inherently, naturally better, right from birth.

“We can’t


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