Archive for ‘History’

August 5, 2014

Israeli-Palestinian truce brokered to piss off Baroness Warsi

by philapilus

Principled (well, for a given value of ‘principled’)

A fragile ceasefire has begun between the Israeli armed forces and Hamas, after both sides agreed it would be “an excellent way of making Lady Warsi look like a dick”.

Baronness Warsi resigned as a Foreign Office minister this morning, in protest at the government’s ‘let’s just pretend it isn’t happening’ policy on Gaza.

Israel and Palestine issued a joint statement shortly afterwards, which said “Whilst we love nothing better than murdering each other until the corpses fill the streets, we are going to put this on hold for a little bit, just to make Warsi look like a total idiot for resigning just as

August 5, 2014

Bat symbol seen in London skies

by philapilus

Let’s just hope he didn’t have one of his notorious panic attacks and hide behind his girlfriend again…

Londoners were shocked and awed last night, after a powerful beam of light projected the Bat signal into the brooding clouds above Westminster.

The cloud symbol, which is the traditional and established method of contacting the elusive caped crusader in times of dire need, was visible from an impressive 15km away.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who has ‘DC comics 4eva’ tattooed across her chest, said “I immediately ran down to Victoria Tower Gardens to catch

August 5, 2014

Miliband, Clegg deface War memorial, urinate on Unknown Soldier’s grave

by philapilus

Ed took a dump right on top of it

Middle England was in uproar yesterday, after Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg attempted to ruin the centenary commemoration of the First World War.

After laying wreaths reading ‘Fuck Hisstry’ and ‘Them soljers was well gay’, the Leader of the Opposition and the Deputy Prime Minister tried to sabotage the service in Westminster abbey, heckling the speakers with shouts of “Wankers!” and “Bummers!”.

As angered veterans tried to eject them, the

August 1, 2014

Gymnastics gold for ‘surprised’ Major

by philapilus

It would be easier to list the medals he *hasn’t* won yet

John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” with his victory yesterday in the men’s all-around gymnastics, at the 2014 Commonwealth games.

The former British prime minister said this morning “It is a huge honour, and of course I am overjoyed, but I do feel that really it was a bit of a fluke. The younger gymnasts are just on another level these days, and any one of them could have won.

“Plus my tie kept flopping in my face every time I swung upside-down or did a handstand. But the judges seemed to have liked my performance, and I am really very chuffed.”

The man who fans call ‘Modest Major’ heartily congratulated the

July 30, 2014

Israel and Palestine “giving war another chance”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Damaged_housing_gaza_strip_april_2009.jpg

“Let’s stick together, come on, come on, let’s stick together”

The opposing armed forces of Israel and Hamas have agreed to give conflict another go, saying that there is just too much history between them to give up on it now.

After suffering a night of heavy bombardment that saw scores of people dead, Palestine said this morning “We’ve been together so long, and I don’t want to just walk away from all that.

“What kind of a heartless bastard would I have to be not to repay Israel in kind for last night? After which hopefully it will retaliate again, and we can stay together, doing this for the rest of our lives.”

Israel said “There comes a time when

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in

July 7, 2014

Inquiry into child sex abuse exonerates all past and present MPs

by philapilus

“Probably not that much point actually writing it down, really”

The widely-anticipated inquiry into historical allegations of child sex abuse has found “No evidence of wrongdoing by anyone in public office”, despite not having officially started yet.

The inquiry, which is expected to investigate claims of a paedophile ring in Westminster, and the disappearance of relevant documents passed to the Home Office, was to be announced this afternoon by Theresa May.

But even though as yet it has no chairperson, agenda, or even a defined field of questioning, the Inquiry has produced a 17,000 page dcoument, the Daz Report, completely exonerating everyone.

Government spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “This

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

June 13, 2014

Sun in ‘posing with Miliband’ gaffe

by philapilus
Datei:Ed Miliband (2010).jpg

“At least he wasn’t topless though”

The Sun newspaper has apologised to readers for a “Huge error in judgement”, after a publicity photograph was released showing the paper in the hands of Ed Miliband.

A spokesman for the paper said “We’re sorry, this was a huge oversight on our part, and it won’t happen again.

“We overlooked the fact that our readers want nothing to do with dangerous liberal pinko Marxists whose fathers were traitors, and who boil babies in their cots for fun whilst singing the French national anthem.”

Readers of the Sun expressed

June 9, 2014

Faces evolved to encourage punching, says study

by philapilus

Didn’t send passive aggressive emails about the office windows being left open, and you don’t particularly want to punch him; coincidence?

New research, founded on careful analysis of the fossil record, claims that as humans became wilier, nastier, and more vindictive, so their faces evolved to be ever more inviting to fists.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Centre for Anthropolgy and Punching, said “Early hominids were hulking simpletons. They’d take your arm off if you had food they wanted, but it wasn’t really malicious.

“They had big faces that you wouldn’t want to hit because you would break every bone in your hand.”

But, Professor McEyebrau claims, as people evolved into mentally agile creatures, capable of spite, meanness, and the invention of call-centres, their face-structure

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