Archive for ‘Health’

January 19, 2015

Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the

December 5, 2014

Farage: “Burkhas for breastfeeding mums”

by philapilus

Nigel Farage has once again courted controversy, after suggesting that breastfeeding mums should sit in a corner

“with a veil completely covering their baby, their upper body, and preferably their own face, so that men don’t

feel uncomfortable.”

Speaking on radio the UKIP leader said “Breasts are unnatural. No one should have to look at them. They aren’t like boobs, you see. Boobs are

December 2, 2014

‘More friendly’ HIV causes concern about God’s dedication

by philapilus

God’s way of showing He cares, say morons

Almighty God has come under fire from many of his own followers today, after a major scientific study showed that HIV is now “not quite so good at wiping out the gays”.

The suggestion that HIV was generally chilling out a bit, starting to relax, and generally being less deadly, has caused some key church figures to question whether God might be going a bit soft.

Pastor Willy Stroker, of the Church of Christ’s Love and Unmitigated Wrath, said “The Lord is infallible, obviously, but I would just like to remind Him that

November 17, 2014

“Kissing?! Ewww, gross.” say Dutch scientists

by philapilus

“Urrrgh! That’s DISGUSTING!”

A group of Dutch scientists have published a report claiming that kissing “is totally yuck, gay, and gives you cooties.”

The team from the Netherlands Organisation for Applied Scientific Research spent many months hanging around behind the bikesheds, spying on couples kissing, occasionally shouting rude words at them, and then running away.

Professor Dick van Dyck said “We’ve seen a lot of couples snogging now, and

November 12, 2014

Hunt: “Donut burger will keep the statistics favourable”

by philapilus

It’s just possible that this isn’t a good idea

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has come out in support of the controversial Double Donut burger, saying that it will “Be the most significant easing of pressure on the NHS since Mrs Thatcher’s plan to thin out the poor.”

The burger, advertised as ‘containing enough calories in one bite to kill a badger’, has been met with criticism by various health experts, but has been praised by that sizeable proportion of the British public that is too fat to put food into its own mouth without help.

Mr Hunt said “Our well-being, as a

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is

October 20, 2014

Government to crack down on crazy hormonal mums

by philapilus

‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’

The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.

The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.

The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to

October 10, 2014

Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has

October 6, 2014

UK’s longest Stoptober/Octsober attempt

by philapilus

Millions of these litter the streets today

Britain has achieved its most successful October-abstinence ever, after Glenn Piddel from Gloucester made it through to 11AM this morning without smoking or drinking.

As usual, tens of thousands of people promised to join the concurrent campaigns to give up booze and fags for a month, and bullied friends to sponsor them.

And, also as usual, most people failed by October 3rd, which, falling on a Friday this year, saw

September 12, 2014

Humanity at ‘infinite monkeys stage’ as Chinese student dies jerking off

by philapilus

It’s because three out of every four sperm are destined to create morons, and the fourth is just cursed.

After the news that a Chinese student had died choking his chicken, experts have agreed that “There is now nothing you could possibly think of – no matter how ridiculous – that hasn’t happened already, or won’t happen soon, to someone somewhere in the world”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau and his team of probability analysts at the Slough School of What The Fuck, have been closely monitoring humanity’s activities, waiting for what they called the Quadruple-M – the fabled ‘many, many monkeys moment’.

They announced today that the porn-induced heart attack suffered by a student whilst donating sperm marked the arrival of

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