Archive for ‘Health’

July 25, 2014

McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus
http://img.21food.com/20110609/product/1305195435187.jpg

Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board

July 3, 2014

Shock revelation:”NHS spends lots of money on sick people”

by philapilus

“If we get all the patients out, these mattresses will be excellent for stuffing cash in” said one MP

The Health Select Committee has made the remarkable discovery that people with long-term illnesses who require hospital treatment over extended periods of time, “tend to cost the NHS more than those who pop into casualty with a sprained wrist.”

The cross-party group has been investigating the impact of shifting patients requiring long-term care from hospitals to community services which haven’t yet been set up.

The Committee said that “70% of the NHS budget is spent on the 30% of people who keep coming back to hospital, because they haven’t got better from the thing that they aren’t going to get better from because it isn’t

June 17, 2014

Backlogged FSA warns against chicken-washing and out-of-date spam-fritters

by philapilus

The Food Standards Agency has finally cleared enough of its backlog to get as far as making safety recommendations relevant to the kitchen practises of the 1950s.

“If you see flies all over it, that just proves how healthy it is. Otherwise the buggers wouldn’t be eating it, would they?”

Jim Schwartz, senior food wrangler at the FSA said “We’ve mostly been publicising the various ‘Dig For Victory’ recommendations over the last few years, but we’re onto a new decade, and we’ll be bringing you all the up-to-date food information that the 1950s has to offer.

“This week we’re warning that chicken-washing is unhygienic, and also suggesting that leaving your spam fritters out on a hot windowsill for a week might impair the taste, or even give you a poorly tummy.

“We’re also

June 5, 2014

Death of Alexander Shulgin proves drugs are bad, say authorities

by philapilus

Unlike, say, a plastic bottle containing 2 litres of vodka mixed with meths, these *might* make you seriously ill.

The Department of Health and the Home Office issued a joint statement this morning, in which they pointed out “an undeniable link” between Dr Alexander Shulgin’s work in psychoactive drugs, and his death on June 2nd.

The government’s spokesperson on drug policy, Percy Spoke, said “This is clinching proof of what we have been saying all along; drugs kill people.

“Far from being a form of sensory experimentation no more inherently dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol, ecstasy-use is the sort of body-poisoning that catches you unawares, and BAM! You’re cut down in your prime, at the premature age of 88.”

Dr Shulgin, a respected

May 19, 2014

Scientific study links tiredness to racism

by philapilus

DON’T wake him up; it’s basically this or genocide.

Research published today in the British Medical Journal links lack of sleep to racist outbursts, conspiracy theorising, and pathological nostalgia for the 1950s.

The study, published today, coincides neatly with Nigel Farage’s defence of apparent racism in a recent interview, on the grounds that he was very, very tired.

The report’s author, Dr Mike Ock, said “Actually, Mr Farage is a very important case in point here. It’s not that he is a frothing at the mouth moron, he just needs some sleep.”

Farage was destroyed by

May 13, 2014

General public asks to consult on Richard and Judy death-pact

by philapilus

Tough on sofas, tough on the causes of sofas

After Judy Finnigan and Richard Madeley announced their decision to assist one another’s death in the event of serious illness, TV viewers across the UK have asked if they can be part of the decision-making process.

Unemployed daytime-television aficionado Tim Twanks said “I have seen a LOT of Richard and Judy over the years, and as such I feel I should be offered an equal say in the matter of their assisted deaths.

“My recommendation is that we euthanise them both. Now.”

Asked why he had continued to

May 8, 2014

Non-Halal chickens slaughtered in five-star luxury

by philapilus
Absolutely furious it wasn't killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Absolutely furious it wasn’t killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Several animal welfare groups claimed today that”Decent, neo-liberal Western abattoir methods are infinitely preferable to the decadent barbaric process of Halal slaughter.”

The comments come after questions about the labelling of meat suddenly became the third most important thing in the country – a furore stemming from the fact that some animals slaughtered according to Halal principles have packaging which neglects to mention this.

Brittany Wurstlove, of pressure group ‘Treat ‘em Nice, Then Cleave and Dice’, said “It is positively immoral that live animals are having their throats cut because of some towel-head mumbo jumbo, instead of being ripped apart by the razor-clawed hands of decent, atheistic abattoir robots.

“If you were

April 14, 2014

Government promises golf-playing doctors will check their email

by philapilus

The government has today announced that a hundred-squillionty-million people will have 25 hour a day access to GPs, through an initiative to pay doctors overtime for checking their Blackberries.

‘Just listen to it yourself, OK? I’m busy’

David Cameron announced that “Our new GP Access Fund, which is much less gay than any of Labour’s plans, will mean that after your local surgery has shut, you’ll be able to email your doctor.

“Then, whilst he’s teeing off for the 9th hole, he’ll helpfully respond with an email carefully addressing your symptoms point by point, or tell you to just take an aspirin and

April 2, 2014

E-cigarettes now 100% pointless

by philapilus

Already completely shit and unsatisfying in every way, now you have to stand in the rain with the fucking thing

The sole benefit of e-cigarettes is to be potentially stripped away, under new plans to make holding a plastic tube up to your face illegal in enclosed public places.

The scheme is currently being considered for a trial run in Wales, but members of the smoking lobby say they are hopeful that the measures will be rolled out across the whole of the UK in the very near future.

Ivor Biggun, Welsh minister for all non-sheep related matters, said “Since e-cigarettes came in people have been staying inside the pub, instead of going outside for a

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 261 other followers