Archive for ‘Health’

April 14, 2014

Government promises golf-playing doctors will check their email

by philapilus

The government has today announced that a hundred-squillionty-million people will have 25 hour a day access to GPs, through an initiative to pay doctors overtime for checking their Blackberries.

‘Just listen to it yourself, OK? I’m busy’

David Cameron announced that “Our new GP Access Fund, which is much less gay than any of Labour’s plans, will mean that after your local surgery has shut, you’ll be able to email your doctor.

“Then, whilst he’s teeing off for the 9th hole, he’ll helpfully respond with an email carefully addressing your symptoms point by point, or tell you to just take an aspirin and

April 2, 2014

E-cigarettes now 100% pointless

by philapilus

Already completely shit and unsatisfying in every way, now you have to stand in the rain with the fucking thing

The sole benefit of e-cigarettes is to be potentially stripped away, under new plans to make holding a plastic tube up to your face illegal in enclosed public places.

The scheme is currently being considered for a trial run in Wales, but members of the smoking lobby say they are hopeful that the measures will be rolled out across the whole of the UK in the very near future.

Ivor Biggun, Welsh minister for all non-sheep related matters, said “Since e-cigarettes came in people have been staying inside the pub, instead of going outside for a

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 17, 2014

We’re all going to die

by unpseudable

Well, it was nice while it lasted

It has been confirmed this week that pretty much the whole of humanity should expect horrific and violent death in the almost immediate future.

A scientific study funded by NASA has hypothesised the various ways in which civilisation will almost certainly collapse in the coming decades.  Climate change, societal instability and war – not to mention unparalleled human fuckwittery – are pinpointed as major problems likely to destroy us all.

In the report, applied mathematician Safa Motesharri concludes that, “throughout history, civilisation appears to be on a sustainable path for quite a long time, but the Elites start consuming too much, resulting in famine among the Masses.  Things go a little haywire, and Bob’s your uncle,

March 17, 2014

News briefs: Anorexic Mercury ‘becoming dangerously thin’

by philapilus

TMB: bringing you tight little balls of news

US scientists say that the planet Mercury has shed a dangerous amount of its mass over the last four billion years, and that, if left unchecked, there is a real danger that the planet could starve itself to death.

Images from the US Space Agency’s satellite, Messenger, show that Mercury’s radius has shrunk by a disturbing 7km, prompting calls for medical

March 13, 2014

Jeremy Hunt given power to blow up hospitals

by philapilus
Jeremy Hunt visiting the Kaiser Permanente Center for Total Health, 700 Second St, Washington, USA-3June2013.jpg

The bill also gives the Health Secretary the right of ‘jus prima noctis’ throughout the United Kingdom and Commonwealth

A bill passed on Tuesday has given Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt the power to plant high explosives inside every hospital in the country and then detonate them “as and when he deems it necessary or entertaining”.

A Conservative spokesperson said this morning “After Jeremy failed to shut down Lewisham Hospital because the High Court ruled it unlawful, we decided that the best thing to do was change the law.

“It’s worked really well. We think we’re going to do it for everything from now on; it makes our job so much easier. Maybe we’ll even bring in a law that says you have to vote Conservative. That’d be good.”

Hunt’s new powers also include the ability to shut immediately any hospital that has a vowel in its name, and legally enforces

March 5, 2014

Blowing smoke into your child’s open mouth ‘not good for them’, says report

by philapilus

“Who says you’ll live longer if you don’t smoke? You could get flattened by a charging elephant in Sainsbury’s tomorrow, so why not have a quick cigarette today?”

New research published in the European Heart Journal suggests that smoking cigarettes and then exhaling all over your children is not particularly good for their health, and might even be bad for them.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Smoke Studies, said “What we’ve managed to prove here is that passive smoking is really quite a bad thing. It is much worse for your children than, say, giving them carrots.

“Look, I’m as aware as you are of how ridiculously obvious it is even having to write something so commonsensical down, let alone bother to test it, but you just wouldn’t believe how

February 26, 2014

Shock at possibility Michael Gove might do something right

by philapilus
Michael_Gove_at_Policy_Exchange_delivering_his_keynote_speech_'The_Importance_of_Teaching'There has been widespread surprise this morning, at the news that Michael Gove is thinking of doing something that isn’t a) evil or b) stupid.

The Education Secretary has said he will write to every school in England about the practise of female genital mutilation, and in a rare display of good judgement, will actually condemn the hideous practise.

Teacher and campaigner, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Providing his brain doesn’t melt at the effort of not deliberately ruining everything for a change, Mr Gove may actually make a helpful

February 24, 2014

Stunned Scotland discovers North Sea oil “not for cooking with”

by philapilus

Very much NOT what is coming out of the seabed

The Scottish Independence lobby has today been utterly derailed, after the population discovered that North Sea oil can’t be used in a deep fat fryer.

Alistair Darling, chair of the Better Together campaign, said “Alex Salmond was making an uncharacteristically long, pompous and truculent speech, and he said something about ‘oil to meet our energy needs’.

“At which point a reporter interrupted, saying “Hang on; are we talking about crude oil here then? Not vegetable oil?

“Salmond replied that

February 2, 2014

Heston Blumenthal’s latest dish causes issues

by unpseudable

Served live, garnished with an aiguillette of bull’s penis

Renowned for his trademark ‘bat-shit crazy’ recipes such as snail porridge, and bacon and egg ice cream, celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal has been accused of going “a bit far” by hygiene inspectors with the introduction of his new, experimental, Norovirus soufflé in his London restaurant, Dinner.

Customers who chose the perilous dish said they experienced a unique taste sensation, shortly followed by a variety of increasingly severe stomach pains, violent vomiting and lingering diarrhoea. A source close to Blumenthal said that the gourmet found the diners’ reactions “helpful in his ongoing quest to literally confuse the shit out of the relatively well-off.  However, the fucker left me to deal with their ‘reactions’ in the toilets afterwards.”

This is not the first time

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