Archive for ‘Health’

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is

October 20, 2014

Government to crack down on crazy hormonal mums

by philapilus

‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’

The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.

The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.

The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to

October 10, 2014

Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has

October 6, 2014

UK’s longest Stoptober/Octsober attempt

by philapilus

Millions of these litter the streets today

Britain has achieved its most successful October-abstinence ever, after Glenn Piddel from Gloucester made it through to 11AM this morning without smoking or drinking.

As usual, tens of thousands of people promised to join the concurrent campaigns to give up booze and fags for a month, and bullied friends to sponsor them.

And, also as usual, most people failed by October 3rd, which, falling on a Friday this year, saw

September 12, 2014

Humanity at ‘infinite monkeys stage’ as Chinese student dies jerking off

by philapilus

It’s because three out of every four sperm are destined to create morons, and the fourth is just cursed.

After the news that a Chinese student had died choking his chicken, experts have agreed that “There is now nothing you could possibly think of – no matter how ridiculous – that hasn’t happened already, or won’t happen soon, to someone somewhere in the world”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau and his team of probability analysts at the Slough School of What The Fuck, have been closely monitoring humanity’s activities, waiting for what they called the Quadruple-M – the fabled ‘many, many monkeys moment’.

They announced today that the porn-induced heart attack suffered by a student whilst donating sperm marked the arrival of

August 26, 2014

Stephen Hawking dumped into freezing ocean to raise ALS awareness

by philapilus

George W. Bush, P.K. Subban and Lindsay Lohan are some of the well-known people who have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge, a fundraiser for ALS research.

Well done guys! Without doubt the most altruistic thing anyone has ever done, ever…

Stephen Hawking was this morning flown to the Arctic Circle where, after a suitable hole had been cut in the ice, he was removed from his motorised chair and thrown into the freezing polar sea.

The famous physicist’s dunking resulted in his entering a hypothermic coma, which medical experts say “Will almost certainly kill him, but it’s hard to tell, as he never moves or says anything without the computer anyway.”

ALS ‘Ice Bucket challenge’ co-ordinator

August 22, 2014

Richard Dawkins’ Diary

by philapilus

My, what a handsome fellow I am!

5:15 Woke up. Pointless really, nothing to do for a few hours. Back to bed.

9:00. Woken by doorbell; postman with sack of hatemail. I measure his forehead and congratulate him on finding a job that surpasses his genetically predetermined limitations. Rude little oik calls me “A huge dickhead”.

9:30 Phone starts ringing. Twenty invites to interview within fifteen minutes! All interested in pitting me against parents of mongoloids to debate Down Syndrome. Paid off nicely!

10:00 More writing for my book ‘Why the

August 13, 2014

Buying monkey-picked tea ‘ultimate sign’ of twattishness

by philapilus

There’s nothing people won’t try and force monkeys to do – some folks even use them as ‘side-boob protectors’

Purchasing tea which the packaging claims was picked by monkeys has been revealed as clinching proof that you are a total arse, it was revealed today.

The tea-leaves – which some say are hand-picked by monkeys and others claim just have a fancy title – are sold at a premium considered appropriate “For fleecing morons”, says the Food Standards Agency.

The FSA study found that most purchases of monkey-picked tea are actually gifts, “which are intended to impress upon the

August 7, 2014

Brits ‘now too stupid to sleep’

by philapilus

“This just helps me make sure I don’t miss anything on my iPad”

A new study by Ofcom has found that adults in the UK no longer know how to switch off electronic devices and close their eyes for a bit.

The report found that more time is spent using technology than sleeping, which experts have labelled “Unbelievably fucking stupid”.

Mike Ock, High-tech Thingy Researcher for Ofcom said “I am typing this on my 4G phone. I haven’t switched it off or closed my eyes in five weeks.

“I keep seeing things that

August 4, 2014

GPs telling patients to ‘fuck *ff’ by phone “not making them less ill”

by philapilus

Rubbish for listening to heartbeats

Doctors who instruct patients to bugger off over the phone are not successfully lowering the numbers of people seeking medical help, according to a new study.

The report, published in the Lancet, found that the new ‘time-saving’ measures, whereby patients telephone their GP rather than visit the surgery, “are not fooling anyone.”

It states that “People who have genuine medical issues still

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