Archive for ‘Health’

September 12, 2014

Humanity at ‘infinite monkeys stage’ as Chinese student dies jerking off

by philapilus

It’s because three out of every four sperm are destined to create morons, and the fourth is just cursed.

After the news that a Chinese student had died choking his chicken, experts have agreed that “There is now nothing you could possibly think of – no matter how ridiculous – that hasn’t happened already, or won’t happen soon, to someone somewhere in the world”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau and his team of probability analysts at the Slough School of What The Fuck, have been closely monitoring humanity’s activities, waiting for what they called the Quadruple-M – the fabled ‘many, many monkeys moment’.

They announced today that the porn-induced heart attack suffered by a student whilst donating sperm marked the arrival of

August 26, 2014

Stephen Hawking dumped into freezing ocean to raise ALS awareness

by philapilus

George W. Bush, P.K. Subban and Lindsay Lohan are some of the well-known people who have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge, a fundraiser for ALS research.

Well done guys! Without doubt the most altruistic thing anyone has ever done, ever…

Stephen Hawking was this morning flown to the Arctic Circle where, after a suitable hole had been cut in the ice, he was removed from his motorised chair and thrown into the freezing polar sea.

The famous physicist’s dunking resulted in his entering a hypothermic coma, which medical experts say “Will almost certainly kill him, but it’s hard to tell, as he never moves or says anything without the computer anyway.”

ALS ‘Ice Bucket challenge’ co-ordinator

August 22, 2014

Richard Dawkins’ Diary

by philapilus

My, what a handsome fellow I am!

5:15 Woke up. Pointless really, nothing to do for a few hours. Back to bed.

9:00. Woken by doorbell; postman with sack of hatemail. I measure his forehead and congratulate him on finding a job that surpasses his genetically predetermined limitations. Rude little oik calls me “A huge dickhead”.

9:30 Phone starts ringing. Twenty invites to interview within fifteen minutes! All interested in pitting me against parents of mongoloids to debate Down Syndrome. Paid off nicely!

10:00 More writing for my book ‘Why the

August 13, 2014

Buying monkey-picked tea ‘ultimate sign’ of twattishness

by philapilus

There’s nothing people won’t try and force monkeys to do – some folks even use them as ‘side-boob protectors’

Purchasing tea which the packaging claims was picked by monkeys has been revealed as clinching proof that you are a total arse, it was revealed today.

The tea-leaves – which some say are hand-picked by monkeys and others claim just have a fancy title – are sold at a premium considered appropriate “For fleecing morons”, says the Food Standards Agency.

The FSA study found that most purchases of monkey-picked tea are actually gifts, “which are intended to impress upon the

August 7, 2014

Brits ‘now too stupid to sleep’

by philapilus

“This just helps me make sure I don’t miss anything on my iPad”

A new study by Ofcom has found that adults in the UK no longer know how to switch off electronic devices and close their eyes for a bit.

The report found that more time is spent using technology than sleeping, which experts have labelled “Unbelievably fucking stupid”.

Mike Ock, High-tech Thingy Researcher for Ofcom said “I am typing this on my 4G phone. I haven’t switched it off or closed my eyes in five weeks.

“I keep seeing things that

August 4, 2014

GPs telling patients to ‘fuck *ff’ by phone “not making them less ill”

by philapilus

Rubbish for listening to heartbeats

Doctors who instruct patients to bugger off over the phone are not successfully lowering the numbers of people seeking medical help, according to a new study.

The report, published in the Lancet, found that the new ‘time-saving’ measures, whereby patients telephone their GP rather than visit the surgery, “are not fooling anyone.”

It states that “People who have genuine medical issues still

July 25, 2014

McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus
http://img.21food.com/20110609/product/1305195435187.jpg

Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board

July 3, 2014

Shock revelation:”NHS spends lots of money on sick people”

by philapilus

“If we get all the patients out, these mattresses will be excellent for stuffing cash in” said one MP

The Health Select Committee has made the remarkable discovery that people with long-term illnesses who require hospital treatment over extended periods of time, “tend to cost the NHS more than those who pop into casualty with a sprained wrist.”

The cross-party group has been investigating the impact of shifting patients requiring long-term care from hospitals to community services which haven’t yet been set up.

The Committee said that “70% of the NHS budget is spent on the 30% of people who keep coming back to hospital, because they haven’t got better from the thing that they aren’t going to get better from because it isn’t

June 17, 2014

Backlogged FSA warns against chicken-washing and out-of-date spam-fritters

by philapilus

The Food Standards Agency has finally cleared enough of its backlog to get as far as making safety recommendations relevant to the kitchen practises of the 1950s.

“If you see flies all over it, that just proves how healthy it is. Otherwise the buggers wouldn’t be eating it, would they?”

Jim Schwartz, senior food wrangler at the FSA said “We’ve mostly been publicising the various ‘Dig For Victory’ recommendations over the last few years, but we’re onto a new decade, and we’ll be bringing you all the up-to-date food information that the 1950s has to offer.

“This week we’re warning that chicken-washing is unhygienic, and also suggesting that leaving your spam fritters out on a hot windowsill for a week might impair the taste, or even give you a poorly tummy.

“We’re also

June 5, 2014

Death of Alexander Shulgin proves drugs are bad, say authorities

by philapilus

Unlike, say, a plastic bottle containing 2 litres of vodka mixed with meths, these *might* make you seriously ill.

The Department of Health and the Home Office issued a joint statement this morning, in which they pointed out “an undeniable link” between Dr Alexander Shulgin’s work in psychoactive drugs, and his death on June 2nd.

The government’s spokesperson on drug policy, Percy Spoke, said “This is clinching proof of what we have been saying all along; drugs kill people.

“Far from being a form of sensory experimentation no more inherently dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol, ecstasy-use is the sort of body-poisoning that catches you unawares, and BAM! You’re cut down in your prime, at the premature age of 88.”

Dr Shulgin, a respected

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