Archive for ‘Health’

March 19, 2015

‘Wet-wipes invading from sea’ warn scientists

by philapilus

 

The perfect camouflage

Experts from the Centre for Seaborne Threat Analysis have confirmed that a full-scale invasion is underway, from life-forms masquerading as small, inanimate pieces of cleansing material.

 
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Centre’s Slough Branch, said “For years these creatures have been living amongst us, appearing mysteriously in ‘dispensers’ on supermarket shelves, so that we unwittingly take them into our homes.

“Once they have

March 17, 2015

Drunks pretending it’s a ‘one-off’ for St Patrick’s Day

by philapilus

Breakfast

Inveterate alcoholics across the UK held their heads up high this morning, and said that the only reason they were completely pissed before 7AM was because of a deep connection to their Irish roots.

The National Association of Heavy Drinkers insisted that getting rat-arsed on St Patrick’s Day is “as culturally significant and religiously important as ganja is to Rastafarians, or children are to Catholics.”

Tim Twanks, who

February 18, 2015

Jon Snow “became burglar to support drugs habit”

by philapilus
File:Jon Snow.jpg

Snow toking on a disguised bong. Note how out of focus the drugs make him appear

Veteran newsreader Jon Snow was arrested by police this morning, after being discovered apparently  burgling the house of Sir Trevor McDonald.

Snow recently participated in a medical trial smoking skunk for a Channel 4 documentary, and subsequently graduated from the potent cannabis to crack, and then heroin, in the space of twenty minutes.

A police spokesman said “As we all know, using any form of drug whatsoever immediately leads to using all of the others, selling your body to fat truck drivers, and then robbing your

February 4, 2015

Fatties celebrate news that ‘jogging is bad for you’

by philapilus

Bit overweight? Well whatever you do, do NOT start exercising

A paper published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology has claimed that too much jogging is bad for you — news which has delighted large people everywhere.Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough College of Sloth, wheezed “Those of us who have trouble getting through doorways are feeling extremely smug today.

“Finally we have a put down for all those joggers who smirk at our girth as they pass: ‘enjoy your heart attack, fitboy!’

“The rotund shall

January 19, 2015

Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the

December 5, 2014

Farage: “Burkhas for breastfeeding mums”

by philapilus

Nigel Farage has once again courted controversy, after suggesting that breastfeeding mums should sit in a corner

“with a veil completely covering their baby, their upper body, and preferably their own face, so that men don’t

feel uncomfortable.”

Speaking on radio the UKIP leader said “Breasts are unnatural. No one should have to look at them. They aren’t like boobs, you see. Boobs are

December 2, 2014

‘More friendly’ HIV causes concern about God’s dedication

by philapilus

God’s way of showing He cares, say morons

Almighty God has come under fire from many of his own followers today, after a major scientific study showed that HIV is now “not quite so good at wiping out the gays”.

The suggestion that HIV was generally chilling out a bit, starting to relax, and generally being less deadly, has caused some key church figures to question whether God might be going a bit soft.

Pastor Willy Stroker, of the Church of Christ’s Love and Unmitigated Wrath, said “The Lord is infallible, obviously, but I would just like to remind Him that

November 17, 2014

“Kissing?! Ewww, gross.” say Dutch scientists

by philapilus

“Urrrgh! That’s DISGUSTING!”

A group of Dutch scientists have published a report claiming that kissing “is totally yuck, gay, and gives you cooties.”

The team from the Netherlands Organisation for Applied Scientific Research spent many months hanging around behind the bikesheds, spying on couples kissing, occasionally shouting rude words at them, and then running away.

Professor Dick van Dyck said “We’ve seen a lot of couples snogging now, and

November 12, 2014

Hunt: “Donut burger will keep the statistics favourable”

by philapilus

It’s just possible that this isn’t a good idea

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has come out in support of the controversial Double Donut burger, saying that it will “Be the most significant easing of pressure on the NHS since Mrs Thatcher’s plan to thin out the poor.”

The burger, advertised as ‘containing enough calories in one bite to kill a badger’, has been met with criticism by various health experts, but has been praised by that sizeable proportion of the British public that is too fat to put food into its own mouth without help.

Mr Hunt said “Our well-being, as a

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is

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