Archive for ‘Health’

October 29, 2015

Tories warn women: “Stop bleeding everywhere”

by philapilus

Perfect with caviar and a nice brandy

After defeating  a motion to remove the so-called ‘tampon tax’, the Conservative party has reminded women everywhere that bleeding once a month is a luxury and called upon the female population to “just stop menstruating”.

Treasury spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Women need to remember that the whole period thing is basically just one long self-indulgent pampering session enjoyed monthly.

“This whining about the cost of tampons is

October 27, 2015

GP receptionists “not actually in charge”

by philapilus

This could never, ever happen in real life

A new study commissioned by the NHS has returned the shocking finding that doctors’ receptionists are just phone-droids who do not actually run the whole show, despite what they believe.

The study casts doubt on the legitimacy of the officious men and women who have to be cajoled and pleaded with for quarter of an hour before they will huffily get you an appointment at the most inconvenient time possible.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, author of the report, said “Anyone approaching the front desk in a surgery could be forgiven for

September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s

August 14, 2015

Delighted Lancastrians lambast Yorkshire for “wimpishly clean water”

by philapilus

The Wars of the Roses began as a squabble between the two counties both of which claimed to have the ugliest women

Lancashire has mocked “Yorkshire softies” this week, claiming that the county “Doesn’t even know its been born,  with its lahdeedah clean water and its lahdeedah sanitation”.

The attack came after proud Lancastrians entered a second week of having to boil their water for health reasons, leading the delighted misanthropes to revel in gleeful masochism.

Pat Greendale, founder of the Antagonise Yorkshire Society, said “Bloody Yorkshire, think they’re so tough; we’re more hard done by than

June 2, 2015

Jeremy Hunt launches attack on himself over NHS agency bills

by philapilus

“I am a total fuckwit, what am I?”

The Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has launched a scathing attack on “the blithering idiot who in the last Parliament got rid of all those nurses and nurse training places, sending our agency staff bills shooting sky-high and making it harder for us to find staff.”

After the bill for agency staff rose from £1.8bn to £3.3bn over the last three years, Mr Hunt said that the Minister for Health who presided over such failure “must have been one of the most gigantic bell-ends the world has ever seen, and a total innumerate pillock to boot. ”

He added that “Bringing in doctors at £3,500-per-shift is a disgrace, and I can’t believe the taxpayers haven’t revolted against that useless stream of piss. Who

May 18, 2015

Cameron states “NHS pledges are achievable with sofa-cash”

by philapilus

“There’s probably four grand in that one”

David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”

The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.

“Well imagine that for every sofa in every hospital, but then

March 19, 2015

‘Wet-wipes invading from sea’ warn scientists

by philapilus


The perfect camouflage

Experts from the Centre for Seaborne Threat Analysis have confirmed that a full-scale invasion is underway, from life-forms masquerading as small, inanimate pieces of cleansing material.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Centre’s Slough Branch, said “For years these creatures have been living amongst us, appearing mysteriously in ‘dispensers’ on supermarket shelves, so that we unwittingly take them into our homes.

“Once they have

March 17, 2015

Drunks pretending it’s a ‘one-off’ for St Patrick’s Day

by philapilus


Inveterate alcoholics across the UK held their heads up high this morning, and said that the only reason they were completely pissed before 7AM was because of a deep connection to their Irish roots.

The National Association of Heavy Drinkers insisted that getting rat-arsed on St Patrick’s Day is “as culturally significant and religiously important as ganja is to Rastafarians, or children are to Catholics.”

Tim Twanks, who

February 18, 2015

Jon Snow “became burglar to support drugs habit”

by philapilus
File:Jon Snow.jpg

Snow toking on a disguised bong. Note how out of focus the drugs make him appear

Veteran newsreader Jon Snow was arrested by police this morning, after being discovered apparently  burgling the house of Sir Trevor McDonald.

Snow recently participated in a medical trial smoking skunk for a Channel 4 documentary, and subsequently graduated from the potent cannabis to crack, and then heroin, in the space of twenty minutes.

A police spokesman said “As we all know, using any form of drug whatsoever immediately leads to using all of the others, selling your body to fat truck drivers, and then robbing your

February 4, 2015

Fatties celebrate news that ‘jogging is bad for you’

by philapilus

Bit overweight? Well whatever you do, do NOT start exercising

A paper published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology has claimed that too much jogging is bad for you — news which has delighted large people everywhere.Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough College of Sloth, wheezed “Those of us who have trouble getting through doorways are feeling extremely smug today.

“Finally we have a put down for all those joggers who smirk at our girth as they pass: ‘enjoy your heart attack, fitboy!’

“The rotund shall


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